The Long Road Back to You
by knicnort3
Summary: Raised closely together since they were five, Bella and Edward fight like siblings until they make a discovery that sends Edward spiraling out of control. Riddled with guilt, Bella does whatever she can to try to fix the situation, and along the way she discovers a love she never expected… B/E, AH, AU
1. Screaming

**The Long Road Back To You**

B/E, Romance, Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort

***This is a companion piece to "The Long Road Home", however, it is not a sequel, so there is no need to read that story in order to understand this one.

***For those who read "The Long Road Home", this story is a "What if" alternate version, completely separate from that story, with the only thing similar being the backstory and the nature of the character's relationships. It takes place a little earlier in their lives than that one, because I think that's where the drama would happen in this alternate universe. Please try to keep an open mind, and remember nothing in the other version applies to this one except for events that happened before Edward turned 5. I hope you give it a shot, it's coming together rather interestingly in my head, but I do have to say, I miss the other Edward. He was so much sweeter than this one in the beginning ;)

 ***Warning:** Contains topics that may be triggering for anyone sensitive about child abuse, rape, kidnapping, and/or suicide. Do not read if you have issues on any of these topics!

…

 **Chapter 1 – Screaming**

 _The screaming..._

 _That's what I remember most about my early childhood…_

 _That blood curdling kind of scream that would echo off of every wall in the house, and pierce through you until it was reverberating in all the corners of your mind and straight down your spine. The kind that was so loud that not even the roof could contain that level of pain…_

 _Night after night of torturous screaming._

 _Neighbors had called the police more than once, which was always shocking since we lived on a forty acre ranch. How did they even hear it? Then again, those were the nights that were the darkest. When the clouds were so thick they shrouded the moon, and not even a single twinkle from a single star could shine through. I suppose the screams were held down by those clouds, and couldn't escape into the endlessness of the sky._

 _As loud as the midnight screaming was, it was nothing compared to the cold deafening silence that plagued the house during the day. Even the sound of the squeaking floorboards below our feet as we crept through the halls, sounded like a crashing freight train compared to the hush the house always existed in back in those days._

 _Things eventually got better - quieter at night, and louder during the day… but there was never a time, even after a decade of calmness, when the house felt truly at peace. There was still a heaviness that would follow us through every room, and we became so used to the feeling that it disguised itself as an old friend. That is the feeling that lingers in the house to this day..._

"You know, usually people write in their journals in the privacy of their bedroom," Edward said as he plopped on the couch besides me and basically stole my notebook right out of my hands as I was writing.

"Don't! I'm serious!"

"Oh, you're serious. Now I'm scared," he replied mockingly.

"Edward, just give it back to me!" I said in an angry panic.

"Bella listen, I'm just trying to help you here. It's best if I read this. It's not healthy for you to keep your feelings all bottled up inside. Trust me, my therapist spews that shit at me all the time."

"Stop being a jerk, and give it back to me!" I said frustrated, and because he smiled at me while slowly opening the cover in a brazen display of disrespect, I jumped on him to try to take it back by force.

Of course, he was stronger than me, and far too fast. He leapt to his feet, and actually started jumping on the couch as he read the first line…

"The screaming. That's what I remember most about my early childhood…"

Thankfully, I somehow managed to tackle his arm, and use all of my strength to wrestle the pages out of his hand before he could read any more.

"Jesus, Bella, what the hell are you writing? Some kind of angsty horror novel? I wish you would have at least let me get to the good part about how the masked serial killer chops up the girl with a chain saw."

"Its not a novel!" I snapped at him.

"Well, who writes shit like that in their journal?"

"I didn't say it was my journal either. It's none of your business!" I shouted a little louder than I intended to.

"Wow, I really hit a button there, didn't I?" he said, far too amused by my anger.

"You always hit all of my buttons!" I growled at him.

He chuckled at me, just like the pompous jackass he was, and I was literally seeing red. I was generally a calm and reserved person… except when it came to Edward Cullen. He knew exactly how to push me over the edge, and pushing me over the edge seemed to be his favorite pastime.

"Hey now, what's going on in here?" Emmett said as he walked into the living room, and could immediately see how upset I was; he probably heard me yelling and wanted to intervene.

"Nothing. Just Edward being Edward," I explained bitterly.

"Man, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Emmett asked Edward. "Seriously, when the hell are you going to grow up?"

"Me grow up?" Edward scoffed. "You're like twenty one years old, and you still live at home. That's pretty pathetic, bro."

"I'm living at home while going to college. A ton of people do that," Emmett said defensively.

"A ton of losers," Edward snickered.

"Do you know what your problem is?" Emmett asked him frustrated. "Mom and dad have always been way too easy on you. You have zero respect for anyone or anything."

"Who am I supposed to be respecting? You?" Edward laughed again.

"Someday…. Someday you'll get what's coming to you, and nobody around here will give a damn anymore, and then you will be alone," Em warned him.

"I can't wait for that," Edward deadpanned.

"Look, you can be a prick to me all you want, but just leave Bella alone. Alright?" he tried defending me.

"Emmett, don't. I'm fine," I told him, not wanting it to escalate any further than it already had.

"No, I'm not going to just let him treat you like crap. He gets away with everything around here, and I'm sick of it!"

"Or maybe I get away with everything because mom and dad just like me better than you," Edward said in a belittling tone. "Actually, everyone likes me better than you, even your girlfriend has eyes for me. You should have heard the things she was saying to me the last time she was here. _'Oh Edward, I wish Emmett was as sexy as you are. Please, take me now. I want to squeal out your name..."_

Edward's crass rudeness was abruptly cut off when Emmett's right hook met his jaw. He obviously didn't hit him hard, because if he did Edward certainly couldn't have recovered as fast as he did, and then he retaliated. The two began throwing punches – Well, Edward was throwing punches, Emmett looked to be just trying to restrain him while protect himself.

It probably would have ended quick enough on its own, because despite Edward's rudeness, Emmett had an unyielding love for his little brother and hated fighting with him, but that was the moment Carlisle arrived home from work…

"What the hell are you doing?" Carlisle shouted as he somehow managed to pull Emmett out from under Edward, and then he got in his face. "You could have killed him!"

"Are you kidding me?" Emmett retorted before wiping the blood from his freshly split lip. "I barely touched him! Look at my face compared to his. Maybe instead of jumping to conclusions, you could have asked what happened."

"It doesn't matter what happened!" Carlisle continued yelling in Em's face. "You are bigger than him, and older. There should never be a reason for you to strike him."

"No, it was my fault," Edward spoke up unexpectedly. "I was being a prick."

Carlisle refused to listen. "I don't ever want to see or hear about you laying a violent hand on him again. Do you understand me?"

"But he…"

"Do you understand me?" Carlisle repeated himself sternly.

Emmett sighed. "Yeah, I understand… but just so you know, ones of these days, his mouth is going to get him into a whole heap of trouble with someone who won't go easy on him… and it'll be your fault for never punishing him," Emmett said to his father, before storming out of the house.

Carlisle stared at the door Emmett had just slammed, and then he turned to Edward. "Are you okay?" he asked him.

"Yeah, well, I probably shouldn't have said what I said to him… I guess I deserved that," Edward mumbled.

"What matters is that you're not hurt. If he bothers you again, just let me know," Carlisle said before heading into his home office.

Edward stood there for a moment, then he turned his head to look at me. When he saw that I was staring back at him, he quickly looked away, but it wasn't quick enough. For that brief moment I was able to catch a glimpse of something I had never seen in his eyes before… pain.

I had a sudden, overwhelming desire to rush to him, and wrap my arms around him until that pain was gone forever, but that urge only confused me. Edward and I were not friends. If anything, he made my time with the Cullens almost unbearable, but that brief peek into the depths of his eyes actually made me begin to question everything about him.

Edward was generally a cold, obnoxious, jerk that the Cullens all seemed to walk on tiptoes around. It was like they always did whatever they possibly could not to upset him in any way… all of them except for Emmett it seemed. Em was the only one out if the family that actually cared when Edward was being a jackass, and he was always the one to get into trouble for it. It wasn't uncommon, but for whatever reason, Emmett continued to get shocked by it every time he'd get punished for Edward's behavior.

"You should apologize to Emmett," I mumbled after a minute.

Edward glared at me, and then he headed for the stairs, pausing only for a moment when he saw Alice sitting halfway up. I hadn't notice her there before either, which I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised by. She seemed to always silently appear whenever there was any kind of loud confrontation in the house. In fact, her quiet presence often melted into the scenery there, and many times we didn't even notice her at all.

Edward didn't even politely excuse himself as he passed her, he just mumbled some kind of annoyance with her being in his way, and then I heard his bedroom door slam above me.

Alice's eyes found mine, so I sighed. "Boys were fighting again," I said to her. "I kind of thought they'd grow out of that eventually."

"Some boys never grow out of it," she murmured. She then got up, and headed outside to presumably sit on the porch swing, as she often did.

I followed her out, since it was clear to me she was upset, but as soon as I stepped foot out the door, a car pulled up to the house.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" I asked, surprised to see him.

"What? Can't I visit my girlfriend?" Mike said with an irritated undertone.

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

"Nothing is wrong except for the fact my girlfriend is questioning why I'm visiting her."

"All I meant was that you didn't text me before you came like you usually do," I said slowly. He was definitely in a mood; it seemed all the men around there were.

"Well, I was in the neighborhood," he explained a little more gently.

"You were in the neighborhood?" I said with a little laugh. "We're way out in the country. There is no neighborhood."

"Well, maybe I was out and about and started thinking about you, and just ended up here," he said while wrapping me in his heavy arms uncomfortably. He then leaned in for a kiss, but I turned my head away from him. "What's that about?" he asked insulted.

"Alice is sitting right there," I pointed out.

"So? Has she never seen two people kiss before?"

"Come on," I said, pulling away.

"She's not even paying attention!" he argued. "She looks fully engrossed in her little stupid baby book."

"Shhh-ut up!" I hissed at him quietly. The last thing I wanted was for him to make Alice feel bad, when she was already upset enough about her brothers fighting.

I took Mike's hand, and then led him out to the barn so we could speak more privately.

"You have to understand something about Alice," I started, but Mike stopped me.

"You don't have to tell me again about how traumatized Alice was and all that. I know. We've been dating for six months and you've only told me five hundred times. I get it. Hell, even before you told me what happened to her, I already knew. Everyone in a five hundred mile radius knows what happened to her."

"If you know, then why would you make that snide comment about her book? She reads 'Paddington Bear' when she's feeling anxious and upset. She certainly doesn't need your insensitive comments to add to it."

"Fine, whatever," he said in a clear attempt to end the conversation. "Do you want me to go apologize or something?"

"No, it's okay. Just please try to watch what you say around her."

"Alright! I get it. You know, I have to be honest, I don't understand why you stay here with the Cullens so much. I mean, I get your dad is a cop, and all that, but you are fully capable of staying home alone when he works long shifts."

"My dad is a detective, not a cop, and you know he would never allow me to stay alone at night…."

"You're almost eighteen! So, after your birthday he will let you? What difference does a few months make? The law is so dumb when you think about it that way."

"I don't think it has anything to do with any law. He's just… overprotective. He doesn't trust the world anymore. He's been like that since before I was even born, especially after what happened to Alice. He never knew that kind of evil really existed, and he's a detective."

"He's going to have to let you go sooner or later. Can't be under daddy's watchful eye your entire life," he said condescendingly.

"Well, I'm not… I'm also watched by the Cullens," I pointed out.

"What's going to happen next year when you go off to college?"

I shrugged. "I may just go locally and commute back and forth. I don't want to leave my dad alone, and I really like being here to help with Alice. She talks to me… which is more than she does with most other people."

"Well, I hope you change your mind about that. This town is shit. I can't wait to move away from here next year."

I smiled at him. "If you move away, who will help your dad at the family store?"

"They have plenty of employees," he said evenly, and then he started looking around. "Hey, maybe staying out here isn't so bad after all. It seems pretty secluded…. Nobody can see us," he said suggestively.

He attempted to kiss me, but I ducked away from him. "An old run down barn doesn't scream romance…. And it kind of stinks," I told him.

"I don't think there's ever been animals in here, so I don't know how it could stink," he argued, before attempting to kiss me again.

"I'm sure there were animals in here before the Cullens bought the place," I said while avoiding him again. "It just smells musty and gross."

"Fine. Get in my car. We're going to my place," he practically ordered.

"No… not today. Alice was upset earlier. I just want to hang here to make sure she's okay."

"She has parents for that!" Mike said incredulously.

"But sometimes I can make her feel better when no one else can," I argued. "I'll see you at school on Monday."

"I can't believe you won't leave with me. Why the hell did I have to fall for a goodie-goodie?" he grumbled to himself.

"No one said you had to," I replied bitterly.

"Whatever. I'll see you on Monday," he said before walking over to his car, and then leaving. It was strange just how relieved I felt every time he left, and I wondered what the hell that meant. Mike could be a jerk at times, but he was definitely better than some guys our age. I could definitely have a worse boyfriend, in fact, most girls envied me because of him. Still, I often found myself preferring the company of a good book than him. I sighed just thinking about it.

By the next evening I was home with my dad again, and I was back to writing my memoir for English class…

 _The screaming… it still haunts me. Sometimes I hear it in the silence, even when no one is around, and sometimes, when I close my eyes at night, I can still see those terrified eyes staring back at me. It makes my heart leap out of my chest, and then I'm the one who is screaming…_

…

 *****A/N:** Quite a difference from the other version so far, right? Just because Carlisle made a different choice, doesn't mean he made the right one. There are millions of little choices people make everyday, and clearly some of them were wrong in this family.

Anyone interested in this version? I still don't have every last detail mapped out perfectly just yet, so if you have any interesting ideas to add to the storyline, I'd love to read them. Thanks!


	2. Family

**Chapter 2 – Family**

"Hey, um… so I texted you this morning," I said carefully at school one afternoon.

"Yeah, I know," Edward replied carelessly.

"You got the message? Because you didn't respond," I told him, trying to contain my bitterness. I really didn't feel like getting into a fight with him right then, especially at school, so I was attempting to be as calm and collected as possible. Although, when it came to Edward, that was a truly difficult task.

"I saw your text, but I didn't care enough to read it," he said pompously.

I took a deep breath in an attempt to contain my temper. "Okay, well I'll just have to ask you out loud then. My truck is pretty much down for the count, so… I was hoping you could give me a ride home for a while… until I can get it fixed or save up some money for a new one. So… can you?"

"Can I what?" he asked, clearly not paying attention to a word I was saying.

"Can you give me a ride home from school?" I said, letting my frustration seep into my tone more than I'd like.

"Why would I give you a ride home? Where the hell is your truck?"

I took another deep breath, and silently counted backwards from five, just to keep myself from yelling at him. "Edward, I know I'm probably the least interesting person you know, but can you please just try to pay attention to me for one minute."

"I don't know, that's asking a lot," he deadpanned.

"I need a ride home. My truck is broken. I don't know when it'll get fixed. Please."

"There is a bus," he said seriously.

"I'm going to your house. It's like a mile and a half from the closest bus stop," I argued.

"Exercise is good for you," he said unwavering.

"I don't have a problem with the walking, I just know my dad would freak out if he knew I was alone for that long."

"If your dad would freak out, then maybe he should be picking you up. "

"My dad is working on a case, he can't just take off to come get me from school," I argued.

"Don't you have any friends that can take you? Where's Mr. Perfect Hair?"

"Mike has water polo practice after school. Come on, Edward! We are literally going to the same place."

"Yeah, but you have a weird smell. It'll linger in my car for months."

I huffed. "Fine! Forget I asked," I said, before storming away. I honestly didn't know how he could possibly be as popular as he was. He was seriously the most immature jerk I had ever encountered.

I went about the rest of my school day, and figured I would just wait there for Mike to finish his practice so he could give me a ride home. It would be at least an hour and a half, so I sat on a picnic table and started on my homework, but then…

"What the hell are you doing?" Edward shouted at me from behind.

I turned to glare at him. "Um… my homework. Why are you yelling at me?"

"You said I needed to give you a ride home. I've been waiting for you for over fifteen minutes!"

"You made it perfectly clear I was not wanted in your car," I said, confused and annoyed.

"You're not wanted in there, but that doesn't mean I won't take you home."

I rolled my eyes at him. I wanted to be stubborn and wait for Mike regardless of Edward allowing me to taint his car with my smell, but I really wanted to get home more, so I grudgingly packed up my homework and followed him to the parking lot.

"Are you almost done with your memoir yet?" I reluctantly asked Edward on the drive home.

"What memoir?" he asked clueless.

"For English. You have the same teacher I do; you must have this assignment too. The first draft is due at the end of next week."

"I honestly have no idea what you're talking about."

"Mr. Banner didn't assign your class the memoir?" I asked in disbelief. "I thought the entire senior body had to do it."

Edward shrugged.

"You should probably ask him about it," I suggested. "Maybe you ditched the day the assignment was issued out. It's a big percentage of your grade."

"There's no way I'm asking him about it. Who would willingly ask for more work?"

"People who want to graduate," I told him.

"I'll graduate," he said unconcerned. "You think there's a single teacher in that school that wants to fail Carlisle Cullen's son? He's like a god around here, and that would make me… a demigod."

I shook my head at his comment. "They may not want to fail you, but that doesn't mean they won't."

"I'm not worried about it. Besides, I literally can't think of a more ridiculous assignment than a memoir. We're fucking seniors in high school, not senior citizens. What's our memoirs going to include? Our tumultuous experiences on the kindergarten playground?" he snickered at his lame joke.

"I don't know, mine is coming together pretty well. It doesn't have to be all drama, it can just be special memories from our childhood, just written out in a readable form."

"Wait a minute, that thing you were writing last week about all the screaming or whatever, that was your memoir?"

"You mean the pages from my notebook that you got enjoyment from stealing right out of my hands and attempting to read out loud? Yeah, that was my memoir. I've added a bunch to it since then, but that was the beginning."

"So….basically, you decided to write more of a dramatic, over-embellished, partially made up version of your life… or was that based on a dream you once had?"

"What are you talking about? Every word on those pages was true."

"Wait, how did it go again?" he asked mockingly. " _Screaming … every night it was screaming. It was my most significant memory of my early childhood_ …. Funny, we had the exact same childhood, and I don't remember any screaming. You totally made that up for added drama. That's sort of the opposite of what a memoir is supposed to be."

I stared at him for a long moment, and tried to understand him. Was he being serious? I remembered the screaming like it was yesterday, how could he not?

"Edward… when Alice first came home…." Something made me hesitate, and then we arrived at the house and my trail of thought abruptly cut off.

"Why does she just sit there like that?" Edward mumbled while looking at Alice through the windshield. She was in her usual spot on the porch swing, but instead of reading, she was watching us intently.

"Maybe she had a rough day," I suggested.

Edward shook his head no. "She stares like that every freaking time I come home from school… or anywhere, for that matter. It's obnoxious." He huffed. "Why does she have to be so weird? I can't even have friends over here because she's going to freak them out."

"She's been through a lot," I defended her, before unbuckling my seatbelt. When Edward didn't do the same, I realized he wasn't planning on getting out of the car. "Where are you going?" I asked him confused.

"Anywhere but here. There's got to be something better to do it this shithole town than sitting at home."

"Didn't your dad ask you to be home more on school days?" I asked, thinking about the conversation I had just overheard a few days prior.

"Pfft, like he was serious," he replied dismissively.

"He sounded pretty serious," I disagreed.

"Nah. He just feels like he has to say crap like that. He's not even here. He wouldn't know the difference either way."

"I'm sure your mom is here," I argued.

"She's probably busy doing something too."

"But…" I was about to give him another reason to stay home, but he cut me off.

"Bella, if my parents don't care what I do, then why do you?" he asked seriously.

"What makes you think they don't care? I heard your dad ask you to be home after school."

"They don't care," he repeated.

"Well, someone should," I told him quietly.

Edward shook his head again. "You certainly don't need to," he said impassively.

I could tell by the tone of his voice, and the sudden heaviness in the car, that he was done talking to me about it, or anything for that matter. Edward had a unique ability to completely shut down and turn off all his emotions on a drop of a hat. Typically, he tended to joke around and act immature, but I knew it was all a charade to hide his hollow interior. He was definitely missing something on the inside, and I wondered if he even realized it.

Without another word spoken between us, I got out of the car, and the moment I shut the door behind me, he backed away from the house, and then turned the car around so he could speed away.

I watched the direction his car had left in, and then I sighed, before heading towards the house. To my surprise, Alice was no longer sitting on the porch. In the brief few minutes it had been since I saw her there, she managed to slip away and disappear to wherever she usually disappeared to. I considered looking for her to see if everything was okay, but I figured if she wanted to talk to me, she'd seek me out like she often did in the past.

I went into the kitchen to get a snack and finish my homework, but that old familiar feeling of deafening silence filled the house, and it actually sent chills up my spine. Where was everyone? I knew Emmett didn't usually get home from school that early, and Carlisle was probably at work, but it was unusual not to see Esme anywhere. She was always moving about the house and seemed to be in the middle of ten different projects; that afternoon, however, there was no sign of her. Then again, Alice was home somewhere, so I knew Esme had to be too since they'd never leave her home alone.

I tried to focus on my work and not worry about where everyone was, but the eerie quiet was just too loud, so I put down my snack and started looking for Esme.

I went upstairs, and was surprised to see the housekeeper cleaning the windows in the master bedroom, while wearing her headphones.

"Maggie?" I said while waving at her.

"Oh hello, child. You startled me," she said with a hand over her heart.

"Sorry. Where is everyone?" I asked her.

"Mrs. had to go to the hospital with Mr. Cullen for a while," she explained.

"But… who's here with Alice?" I asked confused.

"Well, I am," she said with a smile.

"You've never stayed with Alice before," I said surprised.

"Mrs. wanted her to go to the hospital with her, but she refused. You know how she always wants to be here when you kids get home from school. She's just so sweet like that."

I smiled politely and nodded in agreement. "Well, do you know where she is?" I asked while peeking out the window to see if I could see her outside somewhere still.

"No. She was just on the porch a little bit ago. Is she not there still? I guess I'll need to go look for her."

"You know what, you can finish up here, I'll go look for her," I offered.

Thankfully, I didn't have to look long. I easily found her in her room, curled up in the corner, hugging a stuffed bear and rocking it back and forth.

"Alice?" I asked gently. "What's wrong?"

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Why does he hate me?" she asked so quietly I almost didn't understand her.

"Who?" I asked gently.

"He's going to leave… as soon as he can, and then I'll never see him again," she mumbled against the animal she was holding. "We're running out of time, and I don't know how to make him stop hating me."

"Alice, who are you talking about?" I asked unsure.

She looked like she wanted to talk to me - like it was right there, caught in her throat, but she just couldn't get it out. She then re-buried her head into the animal, and went back to rocking.

I sat with her for a while, but she finally asked me to leave, so I reluctantly agreed. I hated leaving her like that, but I wanted to respect her wishes just the same.

I went back down the stairs, and was shocked to see Edward had returned, but he wasn't alone.

"Um… what's going on?" I asked confused as I noticed the intense standoff in the living room.

"Nothing is going on. Edward and I were just having a little guy talk," Mike said with forced casualness. "We don't exactly run in the same circles at school, so when I got here and he was just pulling up as well, I thought it would be a good opportunity to get to know each other a little better."

"Practice end early?" I asked while looking at my watch. He wasn't supposed to be done for another ten minutes.

"Yeah, well I felt bad because I knew you were waiting for me," he said, and then he wrapped his arms around me, and immediately shoved his tongue in my throat.

I tried to pull away from him, because I certainly wasn't cool with kissing like that in front of anyone, especially Edward, but even more so because he was acting really odd and it kind of just weirded me out.

When I couldn't get him off of me fast enough, I noticed Edward get up from the couch and storm out of the room.

"Okay stop!" I finally managed to push him off. "What the hell was that?"

"Bella, don't start this shit with me again!" he warned me.

"Excuse me? What shit?"

"You know what shit! This shit. You get fucking weird every time I visit you here. You don't act like this when we're at your dad's house."

"I'm not acting like anything. You know I don't like kissing like that in front of people. And what the hell were you talking to Edward about anyway? He looked upset."

"When is that jackass ever not upset? He's either a retarded jokester, or a fucking douchebag. He has no in between. Besides, he approached me. He was driving in the opposite direction, and when he saw my car heading this way, he turned around. Then he started hassling me in the driveway, so I told him we should talk it out."

"Why would he hassle you?" I asked in disbelief.

"Because he is a douchebag!" Mike repeated. "Ever since we started dating, he's been harassing me. He clearly has a thing for you."

"What?" I nearly laughed at him. "A thing for me? That's reaching, even for you."

"We never had any issues before I asked you out. I actually used to think he was cool. Now, he's just a prick."

"Whatever," I mumbled with irritation. "What happened just now before I came down here? You guys looked like you were arguing about something."

"We weren't arguing. I just told him that he can be a prick to me all he wants, but I'm not going anywhere. He didn't like that too much because he has a thing for you."

"Stop being ridiculous! He's like a brother to me."

Mike snorted. "Sure he's a brother to you, a brother in the freaky 'Game of Thrones' kind of way."

"Actually, he's not even a brother," I added, choosing to ignore his 'Game of Thrones' comment. "Emmett is like a brother to me, Edward is more like a rock in my shoe."

Mike shook his head. "I'm serious, he stares at you like you're something to eat. You may choose to ignore it, but as your boyfriend, I can't."

"As my boyfriend, you're just paranoid," I told him. "You thought the waiter at dinner last weekend was hitting on me, because he brought me another soda before I was finished with the one I already had."

"He was hitting on you. A ton of guys hit on you, Bella, you are just completely blind to it. You miss all the cues. Hell, it took me asking you out three times before you actually understood I liked you like that."

"Okay, yeah, I don't have a lot of experience with dating, but I know for a fact Edward has nothing but platonic feelings for me. In fact, I don't think he even has platonic feelings… The only feeling he has towards me is loathing. Trust me. I'm here all the time and he hates it."

"I do trust you, Bella… it's him I don't trust. There's this weird vibe about him, and I don't want you alone with him."

I raised my brows at him. "You don't want me alone with him? What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means exactly what it sounds like. You're not to be alone with him anymore. If he's here without his parents home, I want you to leave. And no more getting rides from him. I'll make sure I can drive you everywhere until your car is fixed. If I have practice, I'll have one of the guys drive you."

"Mike… I basically live with Edward. There is no reason for you, or anyone else, to give me a ride home when Edward and I are going to the same place. And because we live together half the time, we may be alone with each other at home sometimes too. He's part of my family, not your competition, but more importantly, you have no right to forbid me from anything!"

Mike retorted with some kind of asinine defense for his demand, but I stopped listening. I honestly couldn't believe his audacity. To think Edward had a thing for me was ridiculous enough, but ordering me to stay away from him was completely over the top. Regardless of how I felt about Edward personally, I didn't have a doubt he'd always be in my life. We were family. Mike, on the other hand…

"I don't think this is working," I said to him. He was my first and only boyfriend, and we really did get along when he wasn't being a paranoid jerk, but I had better things to do with my time than being controlled by anyone in that way.

"You're breaking up with me?" he asked incredulously. "No. No way. I have every right to be concerned about that guy. He's not your brother, and he has a thing for you.."

"Mike, please stop. It's over."

"No, it's not. You're just mad at me. I'll leave and let you cool off, and I'll see you at school," he said unfazed. He even brazenly kissed me on the lips, before retreating back to his car.

It wasn't the first time we had broken up, and unfortunately, I was fairly sure it wouldn't be the last. I just couldn't end things permanently, and I worried it had less to do with my feelings for him, and more to do with my fear of something else. What that something else was, however, I wasn't quite sure - or perhaps I did know deep down, and I just wasn't ready to admit it…

...

 *****A/N:** I think we can all agree Mike is a jerk, but is he right about Edward?

**If you read the other version, you are probably confused about the Cullen family dynamic here, but I promise the answers are coming.

*Just curious, anyone following this story that didn't read the other version? It seems most have, which is great, but I'd also love to hear from some new readers too. It should be fun to unravel all of this with people who have no idea what's coming.

 **As always, thanks for reading and leaving a few words. I appreciate it!**


	3. Talking

**Chapter 3 – Talking**

"My mother always told me that when God closes a door, he opens a window…" Jasper had to pause as he was overcome with emotions, and then he somehow found the strength to continue. "She believed that with all her heart… So, Ma, for you, I'm going to do my best to keep looking for that window... She was the best person I ever knew, and I'll miss her for the rest of my days… but I know I'll see her again." He paused again, except this time, he couldn't continue, so he stepped down from the platform and took his seat next to me.

"You did good," I whispered encouragingly while hugging him from the side. My cousin, Jasper, just lost his mother to a brain aneurysm, and he was understandably devastated. She was my dad's older sister, so we were all sharing in his pain. She had raised him all on her own, and even though he was in his twenties now, they had always remained close and he wasn't coping well with her sudden loss.

"Despite the circumstance, I'm actually really grateful you will be staying with us for a bit," Charlie told Jasper after the funeral. "Bella could use someone to be home with her on a more regular basis."

"Um… Not that I'm unhappy about Jasper living with us for a while, but why would I need someone home on a regular basis?" I asked my dad confused. "I'm always at the Cullen's when you're working."

"Yes, but they've been busy lately," Charlie pointed out.

"Carlisle has always been away from home a lot, so that's nothing new," I argued.

"And now Esme has been gone more often as well, so this will solve that issue," he maintained.

"What issue?" I asked confused. "Dad, I'm sure the last thing Jasper wants is to be stuck at our house babysitting me. I'm fine going to the Cullens."

"Bella, there's no reason for you to be at the Cullens if both Carlisle and Esme are gone. It defeats the purpose," Charlie continued.

"I thought the purpose of me going there was to not be alone. Just because Esme and Carlisle aren't there, that doesn't mean the house is empty."

"Emmett has late afternoon classes at the college. He's not there either," Charlie disagreed.

"And that leaves Alice and Edward… and usually Maggie," I told him.

"Bella, why are you suddenly so keen on going to the Cullens all the time?" Charlie asked confused. "You used to complain when I was working because you'd have to be there."

"I just don't get it," I said honestly. "It seems like you don't ever want me going over there anymore. Just the other day you told me to take the bus home to our house if my truck can't get fixed soon. You've never let me be home alone before, what changed?"

"Look, there's just a lot going on with the Cullens right now, and I think it would be best if you spent a little less time over there for a while."

"What's going on with them?" I asked concerned. It was odd that Esme seemed to be always busy lately, but it was even more strange for my dad to prefer me to be home alone than with them. He was usually far too overprotective for that.

"It's grown up stuff, sweetheart," Charlie said, which pretty much just pissed me off.

"I'm almost eighteen!" I spat. "I think I can handle whatever it is."

He shook his head. "It's their business. It's not my place to tell you, and this wouldn't be the time either," he emphasized while gesturing at Jasper, who had walked off during our conversation, and was standing alone and staring blankly at nothing.

I sighed, and then went to Jasper. "Sorry about that. I'm glad you're staying with us. Really, I am. I just wasn't expecting to not be going to the Cullens anymore. It's going to be weird."

"It's okay, I get it," he said supportively. "It's a big change for you. You've been living with them part time since you were a toddler."

"I just don't understand any of it. Did my dad and Carlisle have a falling out, or something?"

"I doubt it. They're more like brothers than best friends."

I nodded in agreement. "I don't even remember a time when they argued. I'm really starting to worry about Carlisle and Esme. Something weird is going on."

"I'm sure whatever it is will work itself out," Jasper said supportively. "I know the Cullens consider you and your dad as part of their family, so it's probably only temporary. When I get shipped off, I bet you'll be going back there."

"When you get shipped off?" I asked confused.

"I've decided to enlist in the military."

"What?" I nearly shouted. "Jazz, you can't. Why would you even consider that?"

He sighed. "Honestly, I don't know what else to do with myself now that my mom is gone. I really don't want to go back to the cattle auction. I mean, I'm going to miss being around the horses, but I really only stayed working there for so long because my mom had asked me to. I might be able to keep my job without her, but… " He shrugged.

"Why would you go back to Texas alone anyway?" I asked him. "Just stay here and find a job. Don't enlist! That is the worst thing you could do."

"It's something I've always thought about doing," he argued. "Grandpa Swan was in the military, and so was his father and grandfather. Just seems like the thing to do in our family."

"Jasper, they also all died in combat. It's not worth it."

"I have no plans on dying in combat; I just think fighting for your country is an honorable thing to do. I haven't even decided completely yet, but right now, that's where I'm thinking I'll end up."

I shook my head at him, but decided it wasn't the right time nor place to argue anymore about it. He said his mind wasn't made up yet, so at least I had a little time to convince him not to go through with it.

…

Having Jasper around was great, because he was one of my favorite people in the world, but after a couple weeks it became clear that being idle at my home wasn't really good for him. He should have been healing from his mother's passing, but instead it seemed like he was just sinking lower and lower into a pit of depression. I didn't want him to enlist in the military, but he needed to do something, so I did one of the last things I wanted - I called Mike…

"Thanks…. for setting this up," I said sincerely as I watched Jasper shaking hands with Mike's uncle, who owned the local mechanic shop. Jasper was great with car engines, so I figured working at the shop would help pass his time. I hated having to ask for that favor from my ex, but with our town being as small as it was, people usually only hired friends or family to work in their small businesses, so he really needed that in.

"Well, if he's half as good with cars and you boosted over the phone, then my uncle is lucky to have him," Mike replied.

"He won't be disappointed," I assured him.

"Great…. So… where does this leave us?" he asked slowly.

"It leaves me being grateful that you could set this up," I told him, trying to evade his real question.

"Come on, Bella!" he said frustrated. "I said I was sorry for the way I treated you a hundred times."

"Mike, I just… don't want you, or anyone else, to try to control me like that."

"Well, if Cullen would have just backed off like I told him to…"

"It wasn't about Edward!" I cut him off. "It was about you treating me like your possession. I'm seventeen. I certainly don't need to belong to someone like that."

"I know. It was a mistake. Can you just give me another chance? I miss you. I miss our movie marathons, and all the fun we always had. I just miss you. There's nobody in this town like you. We were pretty good together, weren't we?"

I sighed. "I guess," I agreed reluctantly. We did get along pretty well, and despite having a less than exciting relationship, it worked enough to be comfortable. And my dad liked him, which I suppose was something. Other than his occasional temper tantrums and controlling jealous paranoia, we were actually fairly similar with our personalities and preferences. We just made sense. We made perfectly, predictable, lackluster sense.

"I guess? Is that Bella talk for 'Yes'?" Mike asked unsure. "Yes, we can try again?"

I sighed. "Yes… on a trial basis," I told him, far less enthused than I should have been from reconciling with my boyfriend.

Our relationship basically picked right up where we had left off, and we quickly re-opened the discussion about living together after graduation while we attended college. Like me, Mike was a planner, and we were making long term goals for not only our relationship, but our lives. I knew what I wanted to do with myself, and Mike's plans fell right in sync. - I wanted to own my own horse therapy ranch, and he wanted to be a physical therapist that specialized in sport related injuries. They were complimentary professions, and we could see our entire lives before us...

"Isn't that a little boring?" Jasper asked me one evening as I was explaining my life goal to him.

"Um… I don't think so," I told him, slightly offended. "Horse therapy is amazing. I went with the Cullens to a ranch once, and Alice just responded so well with the horses. You could feel their connection, it was amazing."

"Well, you don't have to convince me about that, you know I love horses too, but… I was actually talking about the part where you have your entire life planned out to a T. There's no room for surprises in there. You're even planning to marry your boring boyfriend. What if you meet some dude in college that sweeps you off your feet? I mean, isn't that what everyone really hopes for? Some sweeping, all-consuming, love story?"

I laughed once. "You watch too many movies. Mike and I may not be passionately in love, or anything, but… it's a solid steady relationship, and he's trustworthy."

"Sounds thrilling," Jasper said sarcastically.

"Well, it's not, but that's okay. The most important thing to me is making my life mean something. I want to change people's lives with my ranch someday."

"And I think that's awesome, but it's your life that I'm worried about. Don't turn yourself off of finding a truly great relationship just because Mike is comfortable."

I shrugged. "I just… don't really care enough to worry about that type of thing," I said honestly.

"And that's my biggest issue with it. You don't care enough. I sincerely hope someday you do find someone you care enough about to… risk everything for… Because love is what life is really about."

I nodded. "Wow… that was very poetic, Jazz. I think you missed your calling in life. Maybe Hallmark is hiring people to write their cards."

"I'm serious," he said with slight annoyance.

"Yeah, well… you should talk. You haven't dated since you've been in town."

"Yeah, well I have certainly dated enough in my time to know what I don't want," he said meaningfully, before roughing my hair, and then heading for the door. "I'm off to work," he said with a wave.

...

The next couple weeks sped by, and even though I remained busy studying for all my end of the year finals, I couldn't seem to settle into the oddity of my new living arrangement. I made a point to go visit Alice at least once a week, but I never spent the night over the Cullens house anymore, and a big part of me actually felt homesick from it. That house had been my source of stability over the years as my father and I moved from one rental to another. I even had my own bedroom at their home, where I kept my most personal childhood mementos. I really missed every aspect of it. I even missed bantering with Edward.

"Hey," I said to him one day at school. I didn't really expect much of a response from him, since he was hanging with his friends, but I just wanted to talk to him… I may have even wanted to fight with him a little, just for that hint of a connection we once had.

Surprisingly, he didn't seem to be annoyed by my presence. "Hey, what's up?" he asked, seemingly sincerely interested in whatever I had to say. – _What did I have to say?_ I hadn't thought that far ahead yet…

"Um… so Alice's birthday is coming up. Are your parents planning some kind of party for her?" I asked, not knowing what else to say to him at the moment.

Edward shrugged. "They usually do every year."

I nodded. "She's turning twenty nine… I bet when she turns thirty next year they will have a huge celebration."

"A huge celebration that Alice will hide in her room for," Edward said with subtle bitterness. "My mom should really take a hint and stop forcing such big crowds on her. She doesn't like it."

"She likes all the decorations though," I pointed out.

"So why don't they just decorate the house and forget inviting people? I mean, that's what she'd really want."

I nodded again. "You're probably right. Although, you better be careful with suggestions like that. People might actually think you care."

He rolled his eyes. "Well, it's embarrassing having all those people over, just to have Alice hide away in her room. My parents like to live in denial and pretend she's normal. She's never going to be normal. They should just accept it."

"I think that would be hard for any parent," I said softly.

"Maybe," he conceded.

The bell rang, so I reluctantly said bye to Edward. Even though we rarely got along, I realized right then just how much I cared about him, and it made me miss my time at the Cullen house even more than I already had.

…

As predicted, we soon got the invite for Alice's birthday, and even Jasper tagged along with my dad and me for the event.

"Hey kid, where's everyone at?" my dad asked Emmett as he held the door open for us to go into the house.

"Mom decided to keep it just family this year," Em replied unexpectedly.

"Really? Wow, that's cool," I said impressed, and couldn't help but wonder if Edward convinced her to do it that way after all.

"Oh, maybe I should head back home then," Jasper suggested uncomfortably.

"No way!" Emmett told him. "Any family of Charlie and Bella's, is family to us."

"You sure? I don't want to impose or make anyone uncomfortable," Jasper asked.

"I'm sure, bro. Come on inside. Besides, I want you all to meet my new girlfriend. I think I'm going to marry this girl," Em said quietly. We followed him to the kitchen where everyone was convened. "Rosalie, this is Charlie, Bella, and Jasper," he introduced us.

The beautiful blonde outstretched her hand towards us. "I'm so happy to finally meet you all," she said in a friendly manner, while we took turns shaking her hand.

"It's a pleasure to meet you as well," Charlie replied.

The rest of the Cullens were waiting for our meeting to finish before they each excitedly greeted us… well, all of them greeted us except for Edward, who seemed to be M.I.A.

"Where's Edward?" I asked after hugging everyone.

"Oh, sulking in his room. Where else?" Esme told me dismissively.

"Right," I said, realizing I shouldn't have even asked. "Happy birthday!" I told Alice.

She smiled and thanked me, but her eyes remained sad. When she finally noticed Jasper lingering behind me, however, her apparent sadness morphed into nervousness.

"Oh, you remember my cousin, Jasper, right?" I asked her. "He visited a few times before."

"I remember," she said quietly.

"I hope you don't mind me being here. I can leave if you're uncomfortable," Jazz offered graciously.

"It's okay," she replied. "Um… I'm sorry about your mother," she told him, taking him by surprise.

"Oh… uh, thank you," he said awkwardly, unsure how else to respond. "I.. uh, I brought you a little something. I didn't have any time to shop because I didn't realize it was your birthday until a few hours ago, but this is something I've had for a while," he said before handing her a small unwrapped box. "Happy Birthday."

"You got me a present?" she said surprised.

"I would never come to a birthday party empty handed. It's nothing big, or anything," he said embarrassed.

"That is so sweet of you. You certainly didn't need to bring anything," Esme said while reaching for the box. "Why don't I put it with the other gifts for you to open after dinner," she told Alice, but she quickly turned away from her so she couldn't take it.

"You know… it's really nothing. If she wants to open it now it won't take away from her real gifts from everyone else," Jasper told Esme.

"Well… alright then," Esme said reluctantly.

Alice smiled at Jasper, and then slowly opened the lid to the box, and pulled out a multicolored sparkly rock.

"Oh, what a beautiful… rock," Esme said as enthusiastically as possible, but she couldn't conceal her confusion in her voice entirely.

"It's actually a 'Worry Stone'," Jasper explained. "My mom made it for me when I was little. Whenever I was worried, or scared, or even just had a bad dream, I'd hold onto that, and it would take all that away. I was still using it from time to time, especially since my mom passed, I even used it yesterday, but… I don't know, I saw it this morning sitting on my nightstand, and I just thought you should have it," Jasper told Alice.

"What a sweet gesture," Esme said sincerely. "Isn't that wonderful, Alice?"

Alice stared at the rock for a few moments, and then she looked up at Jasper. "Thank you, so much," she murmured. "I'll keep it, always."

"Well, I'm glad you like it. I'm sorry Its not something better. Next year I'm sure I'll have more time to go out and buy you something," Jasper told her with a smile.

"This is perfect," she assured him. "I wouldn't want anything else."

Everyone started talking amongst themselves, and all the while, Alice held Jasper's stone firmly in her palm.

"I cant believe you gave away your worry stone," I whispered to Jasper a little while later.

"I think it's right where it belongs," he told me confidently.

Jasper and Emmett started talking baseball, and everyone else were deep into their own conversations, so I decided to slip away and go bother Edward.

"I hope you're not doing anything gross in there, because I'm coming in!" I told him before opening his bedroom door.

Thankfully, Edward was just sitting on his little couch wearing headphones. Since he clearly didn't hear me, he looked a little startled by my intrusion.

"Sorry. I did knock," I said before walking over to him, and plopping on the couch next to him.

"Bored of the party already?" he asked casually.

"Family parties are supposed to be boring," I told him. "You couldn't suck up your resentment for the world for a couple hours to celebrate your only sister's birthday?" I asked him.

"Nobody cares that I'm up here. In fact, I think my parents prefer it."

"Why do you say stuff like that?" I asked disturbed.

He shrugged. "Just seems that way. I swear, the amount of tension that radiates off of my dad every time I walk into the room is off the charts."

"That's not true," I disagreed. "I'm pretty good at judging emotional climates, and I've never sensed that from your dad. He worships you."

Edward laughed once at me. "Now you're an emotional climate reader? What a load of crap!"

"I have always been good at reading people," I maintained.

"Sure," he said in disbelief.

"You don't have to believe me," I said carelessly. "Either way, I am one hundred percent sure Alice is sad you're not down there."

"Alice doesn't care either. I'm sure you just want me to go down there so your boyfriend can spew a bunch of bullshit at me again."

"Um… no. Mike is not here. I wouldn't bring him to Alice's birthday."

"Why not? Last I heard, you two were talking about getting married after graduation. You're just going to leave your husband at home for all our family functions?" he questioned incredulously.

"I don't know where you heard we were planning to get married right away, but that is not true. Live together while going to school, maybe, but I'm nowhere near ready for marriage."

"You know, I really don't know what you see in that guy. He's a real prick."

"Funny, he says the same thing about you," I retorted.

"I guess he's not wrong about that," he admitted.

I nodded in agreement. "You can both be jerks."

"Except the main difference between him and me, is the fact that I'm not dating you while being a prick. I don't know why you'd put up with that shit from a boyfriend. You should hold out for someone who treats you better."

I laughed at him. "Yeah okay, I'll just be alone the rest of my life then. All guys act like immature jerks sometimes. We do have good times too, and that's what matters."

"Ever see your dad act like that? Or your cousin, or even Emmett? My mom would kill my dad if he ever talked to her the way I've heard Mike talk to you multiple times."

"Wow, are you like… actually trying to be supportive of me?" I asked in shock. "You almost sound like you care."

"I do care… enough to want to see you with a decent guy. Doesn't matter how poorly we get along most of the time, we are still basically family."

"Well, I appreciate your concern, but… Mike is okay. He really doesn't act like that very often. Most of the time he's… fine."

"Fine? Sounds like a great relationship."

"Wow, the other day Jasper was trying to convince me to end things with Mike too."

"Jasper is a smart dude," Edward replied.

I laughed again. "Whatever. It's none of either of your businesses."

"He's going to make your life miserable if you stay with him past graduation. Don't say nobody ever warned you," he said with forced casualness, and then he paused as something seemed to just occur to him. "Bella… why are you in my room?"

"Maybe I miss bothering you," I said truthfully. "I'm hardly ever here anymore. I don't know what to do with my newfound peaceful and calm existence without you."

"What will it take for you to leave me alone?"

I pretended to consider it. "Your presence downstairs for the party."

"How long?"

"Two hours."

He shook his head. "That's asking way too much."

I huffed. "Ninety minutes."

"One hour, tops."

"Fine. One hour downstairs with the family, or else I'm coming back up here and bothering you until my dad has to physically drag me from the room," I threatened.

"Okay, let's get this over with," he grumbled.

…

 *****A/N:** Oh Bella, why are you back with Mike? - I even thought that as I was writing it. Lol. It's just a means to an end, trust me.

*Please leave a few words to let me know if this version is still interesting you. I have been having a hard time letting the other one go and getting into the groove of this story, but I think it's starting to pick up more as I go.

Thanks again!


	4. Following

**Chapter 4 – Following**

"Bella, is Mike okay?" my friend, Jessica, asked me at lunch one day.

"As far as I know. Why?" I asked confused.

"Oh, you didn't hear what happened," she said surprised.

"Obviously not. What happened?"

"Well, this morning in Home Room, he and Edward got into a fight," she informed me.

"A fight? What kind of fight?" I asked, seriously hoping it was just a dumb argument.

"Um, the kind that belongs in a ring. They were like two vicious animals going at each other's throats."

"Are you kidding me?" I groaned with a mix of concern and bitter annoyance. Why the hell couldn't they just stay away from each other? "Did the teacher break it up?"

"He called in the campus security. I figured they'd just get some time in the office and then be sent back to class, but neither of them returned, and Edward wasn't in our math class during fourth period."

"How did the fight even start?" I asked her.

"We had some free time, so Mike and Eric started talking about their plans after graduation, and Edward mumbled some smartass remark, which prompted Mike to tell him to keep his mouth shut, and then Edward just punched him in the jaw. It was crazy. Nobody thought it was going to escalate like that. What is up with Edward lately? He's like a lit fuse."

"I don't know, but he's really starting to piss me off," I said, literally seeing red with anger. "So, you don't know where they went after the fight?"

She shrugged. "That's why I was asking you. I guess they must have been sent home with suspensions."

"Damn it!" I said, knowing just how bad a suspension was for Mike. He was going to be forced to miss his water polo game, which could threaten their entire season.

"Where are you going?" Jessica called after me as I headed to the parking lot.

"Home. I need to yell at Edward," I told her as I walked away. Of course, then I remembered I didn't have a car, so I swooped back around and asked Jessica for a lift home.

Confronting Edward wasn't really going to help Mike with his suspension, but I couldn't just let it go either. It was common for Edward to be a jerk, but he was going above and beyond his normal jerkiness lately, and I refused to let it continue for a moment longer.

I stewed about it the entire drive, and by the time Jessica dropped me off at the Cullen's, I was ready to explode on him.

"Edward Cullen, what the hell is wrong with you?" I shouted as I stormed into his bedroom without knocking.

Edward pulled out his earbuds, and immediately started shouting back at me. "Who the hell gave you permission to barge into my room and just start screaming at me?"

"Why did you attack Mike?" I questioned heatedly.

"I'm sorry you picked a little bitch for a boyfriend, but he got exactly what he deserved. Don't blame me because he can't keep his mouth shut!"

"From what I heard, you were the one running your mouth and starting the entire thing. You were looking for a fight, so you thought it would be best to bring him down with you!"

"So, what if I was?" he replied darkly. "That prick deserved to have that smug look wiped off his face. I'd do it again in a second; I'm only sorry we didn't both end up expelled."

I shook my head at him. "You know just how much your dad hates violence. Why the hell would you ever even consider throwing punches at anyone?" I asked incredulously. "You're probably happy the entire water polo season is now in jeopardy over this."

"It is? Wow, I didn't know Mike made up the entire team. Now I feel bad," he said mockingly.

"He's not the entire team, but he's their best player. And a college scout is coming out to this week's game. If Mike has to sit out because he was suspended over defending himself from you, I'll…"

"You'll what?" he challenged. "You'll never forgive me?" He laughed once. "Now I'm scared. What will I ever do with myself if you don't forgive me? How could I ever live without your constant nagging and whining in my life? You know, I used to worry about you with that jackass, but now I think you're perfect for each other. You're both pathetic morons. Please leave me off of your wedding invitation list; I wouldn't be caught dead at that gathering of assholes. I hope you enjoy being his doormat for the rest of your life, while you do nothing but birth his stupid ugly children. You deserve it."

My blood was absolutely boiling. I couldn't even see straight with how angry I was from his words. There was a buzzing in my ears and a burning in my chest, and without even thinking it through, I said the one thing that would change the entire course of all our lives...

"Out of all the kids Carlisle and Esme could have adopted, they had to make us all miserable by bringing home you!" I screamed out of pure fury.

I fully expected some kind of crass comeback, but instead he froze, and it looked like all the color drained from his face.

"What the fuck did you just say?" he asked after a minute.

The look of shock and betrayal on his face immediately sobered me from my blind rage, and I realized my horribly cruel mistake. "Edward, I'm … I'm sorry. Using your adoption in a fight is beyond despicable. I can't believe I said that," I said, disgusted with myself. It was probably the lowest thing I had ever done, and I absolutely hated myself for it, however that wasn't even the worst part of it…

"My adoption?" Edward asked in a state of bewilderment.

If I didn't know any better, I would have almost thought he didn't know - _He did know, didn't he?_ Edward's adoption into the Cullen family was no secret, or at least, I didn't think it was…

"Uh… You… uh…" I was at a complete loss as to what to say from there. Was he just messing with me, or was it possible he really didn't know he was adopted? It wasn't like he was an infant when it happened. I remembered when he first came to live with the Cullens, so how could he not know?

"Bella… why… Why do you think I'm adopted?" he asked slowly after a few minutes.

"I was just trying to be mean. Forget I said anything," I tried dismissing it like the moron I was. That wasn't something anyone could just let go, and I knew it.

"Bella, why do you think I'm adopted?" he repeated, except this time it was more of a demand. He needed his question answered, and he wasn't going to let me backtrack my way out of it.

"Maybe you should ask your mom," I suggested carefully.

"I'm asking you!"

"But… I don't really know what I'm talking about. Maybe I just misunderstood," I said, even more horrified with myself and the entire situation.

He shook his head. "That's bullshit! You know exactly what you were talking about. Why do you think I was adopted? That's not something you would just throw out there if you didn't believe it."

"I… I don't know," I said, suddenly feeling like a deer caught in headlights.

I could see the panic in Edward's eyes, and then he was in motion. He practically ran out of the room, and I couldn't help but chase after him. I followed as he rushed out the back door, and straight to the garden where Esme was.

"Is it true?" he shouted at her. "Am I adopted?"

Esme looked up at him, completely stunned by his forceful and entirely unexpected question.

"Answer me!" he yelled when she didn't respond right away.

Esme glanced at me, but she quickly refocused on Edward. "Honey, just calm down," she said gently.

Her words just made Edward even more angry. "Don't tell me to calm down! I want the truth."

"Let me call your father, and he will come home, and we can sit down and discuss this," she tried reasoning with him.

"That's fucking bullshit," he seethed. "You didn't deny it, so I guess I have my answer."

"Edward," she said softly, but he refused to stand there for a moment longer. "Where are you going?" she called after him as he stormed back into the house. We could see through the window that he was heading back to his room, so she decided to leave him alone to cool off.

"Esme, I'm sorry, I told him he was adopted," I admitted. " I didn't know he didn't know."

Esme sighed. "I wasn't sure how much he remembered either. It just never seemed like the right time to talk to him about it," she said quietly. "I need to go call Carlisle."

I followed Esme back into the house, and awkwardly sat on the living room couch alone. I didn't have my truck, and I couldn't just leave, so I sat there and replayed the memories in my mind of growing up with Edward - just trying to comprehend how he could possibly not know. We were both five when he came into the family; I could still remember it clearly, so surely he had to remember something about that too.

More than a half hour passed, and then I heard a car pull up out front. I assumed it was Carlisle coming home to talk to Edward, but then I peeked outside, and my stomach dropped when I saw Mike.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as I ran out front before he had a chance to come to the door. His presence would only cause Edward even more distress, and he certainly didn't need that at the moment. "You can't be here right now."

"The hell I cant!" Mike snapped at me. "Jessica text me to say she dropped you off here, and you were planning to confront Cullen about our fight, so I've come to take you home. I don't want you anywhere near that loose cannon."

I huffed. "Mike, we have already been through this. You can't forbid me from seeing him!"

"This is different! He attacked me for no reason. He's dangerous, and I don't want him taking out his hatred for me on you."

"He's part of my family, I'm not going to stay away from him," I argued in frustration.

"I'm not asking you to stay away from him forever, okay. Just right now. He's freaking losing his shit for no reason. I'm just concerned about you."

"I certainly don't need your concern when it comes to me with my family!"

Mike was clearly about to argue some more, but that was when Edward emerged from the house. For a brief moment I thought he came out to fight Mike again, but he hardly gave him or I a second look.

"What are you doing?" I asked as I watched him throw a duffle bag into his car.

"None of your business!" Edward replied bitterly. He glared at Mike briefly, but walked right passed us back into the house to grab a few more things. When I saw he was carrying a pillow, my stomach twisted.

"Edward, where are you going?" I asked worriedly.

"Away from here," he replied emotionlessly.

"Edward. Hold on!" I said as I followed him to his car and watched him get in. "How long are you going to be gone for?"

"What the hell do you care?" he asked bitterly. "You better hurry back to your boyfriend. He looks pissed that you're standing this close to me."

I huffed, and then I walked in front of his car, and then got into the passenger side.

"What the hell are you doing? Get out of my car!" Edward yelled at me.

"No! This is my fault, and I'm not letting you run away because of me."

"I'm not running away… I just need answers."

"Your parents will…"

"My parents are just going to spin everything like they always do. I want the truth, so I'm going to go find it on my own."

"How are you going to do that?" I challenged.

"I found my adoption papers in my dad's office," he said unexpectedly. "All the important bits of information were blacked out, so I'm going to Florida where it says they were filed, and I'm going to get the answers I need."

"You're just going to drive to Florida?" I asked incredulously. "The opposite side of the country. And then what? You really think they're just going to hand you the documents?"

"I have to try. I turn eighteen next week, so… they should release my records to me if I request them, right? Either way, I can't just sit here and pretend to believe anything my parents have to say at this point. I'm going to Florida… even if nothing comes from it, at least I'll feel like I did something about it. Maybe my parents will see just how serious I am about wanting the truth."

"They're never going to let you go that far alone. They'll catch up to you."

"And there's nothing they can do about it since I'll be eighteen," he pointed out. "They have no idea where I'll be anyway. It's not like I left a note."

"Your mom…"

"My mom has been hiding in her room since I confronted her. I'm leaving now before my dad gets home, so can you please get out of my car."

I hesitated, and then I shook my head no.

"I'm about to leave with you in here," he warned me.

"Then go…. I'm not getting out," I told him, suddenly knowing without a doubt that if he was leaving, I had to go with him. I couldn't let him drive across country on his own, especially since he was so upset and it was my fault.

"Bella, I'm serious. I'm leaving whether you're in here or not."

"If you're leaving, then I'm going with you," I told him strongly, and to prove just how serious I was, I buckled my seatbelt.

"You can't come with me. I don't even know how long I'm going to be gone for," he argued.

"I don't care. I'm not letting you go alone."

"Look, you don't need to feel guilty about this. If anyone should feel guilty it's my parents. They should have told me, not you. I'm not even mad at you about it. I just… I need to figure this all out. Please… please get out of the car so I can leave before my dad gets home."

I stared at him and bit my bottom lip, before shaking my head no. "I'm going with you," I maintained.

"You don't even have any clean clothes or anything."

"I'll figure it out as we go," I said unconcerned.

"What about school?" he asked.

"I'll handle that however you do. Worst case scenario, we go to summer school."

"You can't just go on a long road trip with nothing," he tried convincing me.

"I just so happen to be carrying my wallet in my pocket since I came from lunch at school… that's all I need."

"We could be gone for over a week, and I don't have a lot of money to be staying in nice hotels along the way," he said, wanting to make sure I really understood what I was getting myself into.

I shrugged. "I don't care. I'll be fine no matter what."

He stared blankly as he considered it, and then he mumbled "Fuck it," before throwing the car in reverse. Of course, that was when Mike must have realized I wasn't just talking to Edward in the car.

"Where the hell are you going?" he shouted at me, as he stepped behind the car so Edward couldn't back out.

"He looks pissed at you," Edward stated the obvious. "Last chance to get out."

"Get the fuck out of the car, Bella!" Mike screamed at me. We locked eyes through the window, and I ever so slightly shook my head no. "I swear to god, if you don't get out of that fucking car right now, we are over for good!" he threatened furiously.

Edward looked at me with raised brows, but I refused to back down. "What are you waiting for?" I asked him.

He smirked at me, and then shook his head, before putting the car into Drive, and driving over the grass to get around Mike.

My heart was racing, but I had no idea if it was from being scared of the unknown road ahead, or if it was almost excitement. Perhaps it was a little of both…

"Your dad is going to kill me," Edward grumbled as he drove away from the ranch. "Literally, he's going to throw me in a jail cell, and leave me there until I rot. I should really take you home."

"I'm not getting out of this car, so it would just be a waste of your time to take me home."

"He's a detective. He's going to track us down and kill me. You do realize that, right? Or is that what you're hoping for by coming with me?"

I smiled at him. "It's going to be fine. As long as we don't use any credit cards, they can't really track us… You did bring some cash, right?"

"Uh… I have my savings in the bank."

"Better get cash out before your parents realize you left," I warned him.

Without another word spoken, Edward turned towards town, and drove straight to the bank. I also happened to have my card in my wallet, which I used to withdraw as much from my account as the ATM would allow.

"What are you doing? I'm not letting you spend your own money for any of this," Edward told me strongly.

"You're not letting me do anything. I'm choosing to get some of my own money. I certainly don't want to be stuck in the middle of the country somewhere without a way to buy food."

He grumbled about it, but otherwise let it go. We got back into the car, and then we were off. We had no set route, and no idea when we'd be home, but in a way, that's what was exciting about it. Both the Cullens and my father had always raised all of us kids under strict supervision and over-protection, so to go off on our own in that way was definitely going to be a completely new experience.

I was excited about the trip, but the fear of what was waiting for us in Florida was enough to overshadow it. Would Edward find the answers he was looking for? Would those answers bring him solace, or only leave him even more hollow inside than ever before? It was actually terrifying to think about. I only hoped I was somehow able to hold him together through it all…

...

 _ *****A/N:**_ _ **So, they're off on a road trip. This should be interesting:) Anyone else excited?**_


	5. Broken

**Chapter 5 – Broken**

We were both quiet for the first several miles of open highway. The tension radiating off of Edward was thick, and I wondered if he was even seeing the road in front of us, or if he was driving blindly while drowning in the pain of his new reality. I couldn't even imagine what it must have felt like for him. Everything he thought he knew was wrong; it made my stomach twist in excruciating knots just trying to wrap my head around it.

"You took off your cuff," I noticed as I looked at his bare wrist that was attached to his hand on the steering wheel.

I could clearly see his him lock his jaw, but he didn't respond in any other way from my comment.

I sighed. "I don't think I've ever seen you without that cuff since you first put it on when we were little."

"It was the Cullen Crest," Edward replied evenly. "All the men in the Cullen bloodline have worn that crest in some form for hundreds of years…. I'm not in the bloodline, so why would I wear it?"

"Edward," I huffed. "Nothing has changed since yesterday. You're still the same person with the same blood running through you as you always were. It doesn't matter that you're not a biological Cullen, you're an important member of the family, just like you have always been."

"Always?" he challenged me.

"Yes, always. You may have been born to different people, but you were always meant to be with our family. Our family," I emphasized. "I consider the Cullens my family too, and I don't have any real ties to them except for my dad and Carlisle being close friends. Family isn't blood…. It's the people you love and choose to love you in return."

Edward shook his head subtly in disagreement.

"You know, I remember the day your crest arrived from the smith," I told him. "Emmett was so excited. He was watching for the mail carrier through the window all morning. When it came, he was jumping up and down, and begged your dad to let him be the one to give it to you. He was just… so overly excited to have a little brother."

Again, Edward locked his jaw, except this time he also glared at me for a moment from the corner of his eye.

"You don't remember Emmett giving you the crest?" I assumed.

"Nope," he replied, popping the P.

"What is your earliest memory?" I asked curiously.

"I don't know," he said frustrated. "Its not like I remember things in chronological order with a date stamp on them."

"Well, I know I was five when you came into the family, and Emmett gave you the crest not long after, so your earliest memory must be after five. I wonder why you've suppressed those memories?" I mused.

"How the hell would I know?" he grumbled.

"You don't remember living anywhere other than the Cullen Ranch? Even a flash of a memory?" I questioned.

"No."

"What do you remember from being little?" I asked, trying to get him to really think about it.

"I don't know," he said, obviously uncomfortable with the topic.

"It could be any memory," I encouraged.

He shook his head at me.

"Well… if you think of something later, I'd like to hear about it," I told him supportively.

He shrugged. "Maybe."

"Just so you know… I don't like you any less than I would if your were a Cullen by blood," I told him after a few moments.

Edward smirked. "Well, that's not saying much, is it? I never thought your disdain for me was about genetics."

"No, it's about your sweet demeanor," I said sarcastically.

"I'll have you know, I can be very sweet," he joked.

"I do know that. I remember a sweet Edward very well… I just haven't seen him in a while. I was actually beginning to think you forgot about him the way you seem to have forgotten a lot of things about our past."

He breathed out heavily through his nose. "I never set out to be a jerk, it just kind of happens. I honestly don't know what the hell is wrong with me lately. Maybe… maybe I've just started realizing that… nothing is the way it should be."

"What do you mean? How should everything be?" I asked confused.

"I don't know… everything just started feeling wrong. My life, my family, you…"

"Me?" I asked surprised.

"I… I don't know what I'm talking about. Just forget it," he said dismissively.

"Edward, have I done something…."

"No," he cut me off. "I really don't know why I said you. I'm just talking out of my ass. It doesn't even make sense in my own head."

"Really? Because we use to be close… and then we weren't. I never really understood what changed between us. We used to spend practically all our time together – Or can you not remember that either?"

"Of course I remember that," he said irritated.

"Then what happened to us?" I asked, hoping for some kind of enlightenment on the subject.

"I don't know. We grew up, and sometimes that means growing apart," he said, seemingly just as clueless as I was.

"Well… I miss you," I told him sincerely. "I miss who we were together. I've never been as close to anyone as I was with you, and… I wish we could find a way back… At the very least, try to not pretend to hate each other anymore."

"I've never hated you," he argued.

"Could have fooled me," I disagreed.

"Maybe I just hate your choice of a boyfriend," he admitted.

"Yeah, why is that anyway? Mike said you two used to get along fine."

"He's a controlling dick-wad! I think you're the only one who can't see that."

"I do see that part of him, but aren't most guys that way with their girlfriends?"

"No. Not at all."

"Well, I did talk to him about that, and he promised to back off… and he has, for the most part - That is until I decided to jump into this car with you."

"So… are you going to get back together with him when we go home?" Edward asked reluctantly.

"He said we were over for good," I replied emotionlessly.

"Haven't you both said that to each other a few times in the past?" he questioned.

"I guess so."

"So?... Do you think you'll get back together with him?" he pressed.

"I don't know," I said honestly.

"You love him?" he asked me unexpectedly.

"I… I don't know," I said, taken aback by the question, and even more so by my lack of an answer.

"I didn't know it was such a tough question," Edward mumbled bitterly.

"Well, it is… He tells me he loves me, and I tell him I love him in return, so..."

Edward laughed once humorlessly. "That's not an answer."

"That's because I don't know!" I snapped at him. "Can two kids our age even be in love? I think that's something that develops over time."

"So… you've been planning a future with someone that you just admitted you're not in love with?" he asked incredulously.

"No, what I said was that I don't know. For all I know, what I feel for him is love. Maybe it's not that intense sweeping love that only exists in movies, and that's okay. There has to be a reason why we keep getting back together. I think we're just too young to take it seriously right now. Things may change as we get older."

Edward snorted. "So a wedding invitation for you two may still be in my future?"

I smiled at him. "No, you said to not invite you because you'd never come…. Wait, what were the words you used? You'd never be 'caught dead' at my wedding."

Edward locked his jaw yet again, and was quiet for a long moment, before finally whispering – "I'd never miss an important event in your life like that."

"Really?" I said surprised and genuinely touched by his words. "What about all my ugly kids you said I'd have?" I then asked, probably pushing my luck.

He smiled at me, but it didn't reach his eyes, which only made my stomach twist for a reason I didn't understand.

"I'm sure any kid that's half you would be great… even if they were unlucky enough to take after Mike in the looks department," Edward told me, actually showing me a glimpse of the old sweet Edward again. "Maybe… maybe Emmett and I will take them fishing. Lord knows Mike is useless with that sort of thing. He screamed like a little girl in bio last year when Mr. Molina tried to get him to hold one of the worms we were dissecting."

"Yeah, he's not really the outdoorsy type," I said, pretty much embarrassed for my sometimes boyfriend. "You know, this may sound odd, but… it means a lot to me that you would care about my future kids… even of they were half Mike. I can't stand the thought of having to choose between some guy and my family… and that includes you as part of my family."

"I'd never make you choose… not really anyway. I shouldn't have said all those terrible things to you," he spoke softly. "I didn't mean them. I was just…"

"Upset. I know," I sympathized. "We just… we need to do a better job at remembering how much we truly care about each other. I need you in my life. Always."

He nodded in agreement. "I'm sorry."

"Me too," I told him. "I haven't always been nice either. But… especially with us going in different directions next year for college, I just want to know we will always have each other's backs. That's the most important thing to me."

"Look, I can't promise we will always agree, and I'm sure we will still fight like crazy, but... you can always rely on me when it counts."

"I guess I can't ask for anything more," I said, unable to control the smile that spread wide across my face.

We continued driving for hours, and talked about everything and nothing at the same time. It was nice feeling like we were getting to know each other again, even if it was just on a surface level. If we only ever found a fraction of the closeness we once had, I would consider myself lucky, because at one time, he really was the best friend I ever had.

Eventually we stopped for some snacks and a bathroom break, and then we got right back on the road. We seemed to be making good distance, but when he pulled out his phone, and kept diverting his attention away from the road, I got concerned….

"What are you doing?" I asked, slightly more panicked than was probably necessary. "That is incredibly dangerous."

"There is literally no one on the road right here," he argued.

"That doesn't mean we can't crash. I really don't want to end up wrapped around a light pole."

"Bella, I need to figure out which way to go from here," he said frustrated.

"Here, let me do it," I offered with my hand outstretched towards him.

"Where's your phone?" he questioned.

"In my backpack at school. I didn't bring it out to lunch, and I left from there," I reminded him.

Edward huffed, but then reluctantly relinquished his phone to me.

"Why are you so worried about me using this?" I asked teasingly. "Are there embarrassing photos on here?"

"That is none of your business."

"Oh my god, there are embarrassing photos!" I shouted playfully.

"Bella, I'm serious. Don't go through my gallery!" he said with a slight hint of desperation in his voice.

"Let me guess, you have pictures of Lauren in here?" I joked, knowing all too well he hated that girl.

"There's no way in hell," he replied with repulsion.

"Who do you like right now anyway? You haven't had a girlfriend since Gianna moved away. Are you still pining after her?" I continued.

Edward tried to grab the phone back from me, but I moved it out of his reach, which only caused the car to swerve, so he had to abandon his attempts in order to regain control of the car. I just so happened to hit the gallery icon with my finger in the scuffle, and I was surprised when a picture of Edward and me as kids appeared on the screen.

I laughed. "Aww, look how cute we were," I cooed at it.

"Bella, can you just leave it alone. Please," he said irritated.

I was being a brat, even I recognized that. Perhaps it was because I was becoming stir crazy and delirious from the hours in the car, but whatever the reason, I suddenly couldn't help myself. I swiped to the next picture despite his protests, only to see another childhood picture of the two of us together. I quickly swiped through the next few pictures, and all of them appeared to be taken from one of Esme's old photo albums.

I looked at Edward questionably.

He glanced at me, and then huffed. "It was for a project."

"A project, huh." I snorted. "Sure."

"Why the hell else would I have pictures of you in my phone?" he replied like a smartass.

"Maybe Mike was right. You have a thing for me," I said, trying to keep a straight face, but completely failing.

"You're retarded," he said annoyed.

"Oh, come on! Who wouldn't have the hots for me back when these pictures were taken? Just look at me with my fat cheeks, braces, and frizzy hair," I tried reasoning playfully. "I was almost as gorgeous back then as I am now."

To prove my point, I began morphing my face into the ugliest expressions possible, just to show my alluring appeal, and thankfully he finally laughed despite himself. He did have a great laugh. It was a sound I had been missing for a long time.

"You have eaten way too many Flaming Hot Cheetos," he scolded me while trying to hold back his laughter. "They're frying your brain."

"I know. What the hell is wrong with me?" I asked through my hysterics.

"Can you please just close my gallery, and put the address to the adoption agency in Florida into the GPS?"

I sighed. "Do you have the address written down somewhere?" I asked as I looked in the center console.

"Yeah, it's in the glove compartment."

"Great," I said before throwing his phone right out the window.

"Bella! What the fuck!" he shouted as we watched it shatter on the road behind us.

"My dad can totally track us with that," I told him unapologetically.

"You just threw my phone out the window," he said slowly, still in angry shock that I'd do such a thing.

"Yeah, and now they really can't find us," I explained again. When he didn't look any less angry, I huffed. "What are you so mad at? Your parents get you the latest and greatest phone model every six months anyway, and I'm sure you have all your pictures and contacts stored in some cloud system somewhere. No harm done."

"Yeah, no harm except for the fact that now we have no phone. What if there's an emergency, or we get lost. I don't even know how to get to Florida!" he said heatedly

I rolled my eyes. "How long do you think people have been using cell phones for? If you don't want our parents to track us and drag us back home before we get there, then we're just going to have to do this the old fashion way. Stop at the next gas station and we will buy a map."

"Like a paper map?" he asked dumbfounded. "Do you even know how to read one of those? Do they even still sell them?"

"Worst case scenario, we just head east and follow the road signs until we get to Florida. Then we will figure out something from there."

He shook his head incredulously. "You are crazy."

"Yeah, but you'll be glad I came eventually. You'll see."

He didn't respond right away, but then he murmured – "I'm already glad you came."

I smiled at him. "Me too."

…

 _ ***** A/N: Aww, they're moving along, aren't they?**_

 _*Let me know if you're still reading. I think I lost a bunch of people from the site not notifying them about updates. I personally still haven't gotten one notification since chapter 2. It's frustrating, but what can I do? Thanks!_


	6. Too Close

**Chapter 6 – Too Close**

"This is it," I mumbled after passing a particular street sign on the highway.

"What?" Edward asked confused.

"We're officially farther from home than I've ever been before without my dad."

Edward sighed. "Bella, I can still take you home. If we turn around now, we can make it before morning, and I can just drop you off and leave again before anyone wakes up to realize you're back."

"No, I wasn't saying I wanted to go home… I just thought it was as a noteworthy moment. I'm actually really excited to be on this trip with you. I think leaving the way we did is the only way either of our parents would ever let us do anything close to this."

"They're not going to have any say over this sort of thing for much longer. We will both be eighteen soon."

I laughed once. "Do you think that's some kind of magic number where our parents quit caring about us? Emmett is older, and your dad still makes him text every time he arrives at school, and whenever he's going to be even a few minutes late coming home."

"I guess that is pretty weird. I wonder why they're so overbearing like that. I mean, that's not normal, is it?" Edward mused.

I shrugged. "Its all I've ever known, so who am I to say if it's normal or not. My dad is a detective, so I guess he just wants to protect me from all the horrors he knows are in the world. And I mean, everything that happened to Alice, it makes sense that your parents would be scared too."

"What happened to Alice?" he asked confused, but then something caught his eye. "Holy shit, there's a Culver's!" he shouted, before abruptly pulling off of the freeway.

"What's Culver's?" I asked, amused and excited about his excitement.

"Only the best fast food joint in the history of fast food joints."

"What's so great about it?" I asked confused.

"Butter burgers, cheese curds, and the most delicious ice cream you've ever had. Gosh, I wish they had these closer to home."

"I guess it's dinner time," I said with a giggle.

Edward was right, the food was absolutely delicious, and the ice cream was even better. After we ate, we got back into the car and drove a few more hours before it became clear just how tired Edward was. I would have offered to drive for a bit myself, but I was pretty tired as well. We decided we didn't want to waste time and money on a hotel, so we just pulled into a truck stop, and hunkered in for the night.

"Lock your door," Edward instructed, before reclining his seat all the way back. He reached behind him to the back seat, and grabbed his pillow. "Here," he said, offering it to me.

"I'm not going to take your pillow," I told him. "I'll just roll up my sweatshirt."

"No, I'll just roll up my sweatshirt," he argued. "You came on this trip for me, and you didn't have time to grab anything so please use my pillow. It would make me feel a little better. Besides, I've slept in this seat many times without one. I'll be comfortable enough."

"When have you ever slept in your car?" I asked in disbelief.

He smirked at me. "Practically every lunch break at school."

I rolled my eyes and giggled at him. "I always wondered where you would disappear to."

I reluctantly took his pillow, and then reclined back just as he did, but even with how tired I was, I couldn't stop talking to him.

"I never realized how angular your face is," I mumbled as I stared at him. His eyes were closed, but I knew he wasn't sleeping.

"Angular?" he grumbled. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know… it's just… not that same baby face you used to have. I don't think I've stared at your face this close in a long time."

"You've stared at my face in the past?" he asked confused. "Why?"

"Okay, maybe I didn't stare at your face, but I knew it pretty well. We were close, so I knew everything about you pretty well… but now you're all different. You've changed so much without me even noticing," I said, and then I watched my hand go rogue, and reach out against my will to touch his perfect nose.

"Why are you petting my nose?" he asked disturbed.

"It's a really good nose," I said, just noticing it for the first time. In fact, I felt like that was really the first time I had actually analyzed his features at all since he had matured. I had to admit, he had more than a perfect nose, he pretty much had a perfect everything. He honestly had the most perfect face I had ever seen before, and I couldn't help but wonder why I never realized it until that moment.

"Bella, please stop," Edward asked, with a certain desperation in his voice I wasn't expecting. His entire body seemed to stiffen, and when glanced down, I saw his hands balled up into tight fists on his lap. I wanted to question him about it, but I didn't think he'd really give me a straight answer, or perhaps I was just worried I wasn't ready to hear the that straight answer.

I pulled my hand away from his face, and mumbled some kind of quiet apology, before saying goodnight and attempting to get comfortable.

Sitting in the passenger seat of his shiny fancy Volvo had been a cozy ride up until then, however trying to sleep in it was difficult.

"You can try the back seat?" Edward said after I tossed and turned for the umpteenth time.

"I'm fine," I lied.

Eventually I was able to fall asleep, but it wasn't long before I realized I needed to use the bathroom. We were parked pretty far from the convince store area of the truck stop, thinking we'd be able to sleep better without people walking around us at all hours of the night, however it made trips to the bathroom a little less than secure feeling.

I glanced at Edward, and he looked to be sleeping pretty deeply. I didn't want to disturb him, so I opened the door as quietly as possible, and shut it behind me even more carefully.

The moment I stood outside of the car alone, I got an immediate chill that ran the length of my spine.

"Don't be a coward, Bella. There's nothing to worry about," I told myself quietly. My paranoid fears were just a result of my upbringing, and nothing more - At least, that's what I told myself, in the hopes of being brave enough to not wake Edward and ask him to come with me. How would I ever live on my own if I was too scared to walk across a parking lot alone?

I crossed the big dark lot without any issues, so I was starting to feel confident in my little solo outing. On the way back, however, I was suddenly stopped by a very big, very dirty man, who smiled at me with his brown rotting teeth exposed.

"Excuse me," I said nervously, while trying to step around him.

"Aren't you a pretty dove?" he asked as his putrid breath washed over me.

My heart began to race, and I immediately knew I was in a bad situation. It was everything my dad had ever warned me against, and I was both terrified and beyond angry that I stupidly put myself in that position.

Without another word, I took off running towards Edward's car, and to my horror, somehow the man caught me from behind.

"Now, where are you running off to so fast?" he asked in his slithering voice.

"My friend is waiting just in that car there," I said in a panic. The car was so close, and yet, so incredibly far away. I knew Edward would never hear me from where we were, especially if he was still in that deep sleep. The stop wasn't very active at the moment either, so the chances of a stranger coming to my aid were pretty slim. My only hope was to try to fight the guy off somehow myself.

"Forget your friend for a few minutes. Let's go back to my truck, and see what kind of fun we can find. Shall we?," the man asked. It wasn't really an offer; his firm grasp on my arm made it clear he wouldn't take no for an answer.

I started thrashing around to try to get away, but he was so much stronger than me, and he pulled me in the opposite direction.

When I began to scream, he turned back to me and covered my mouth with his grimy hand. "We're going to have the best time, you'll see, but if you keep being loud, it's not going to be as fun," he warned me sadistically.

I tried to shake my head and scream louder, but it was of no use. All sounds I made were muffled by his hand. I had never been more scared in my entire life, and I honestly thought I'd never survive it. I wasn't strong like Alice, but then again, she was also only a child when it happened to her. If she could survive it, I knew it was possible for me too. I decided right then and there that I would never stop fighting, just like she hadn't. I would not allow that monster even a moment of peace while I was alive.

I decided all of that within only a fraction of a moment, so I readied myself to bite his hand, which was still covering my mouth. Just as I was about to sink my teeth into his flesh, and probably end up with some kind of life threatening disease from the crap on his skin, thankfully, the man abruptly let go of me. I didn't see what happened, but I definitely heard a loud cracking noise, followed by the shattering of glass falling around his head.

I turned to see Edward standing there with a broken bottle on his hand, which made me gasp. "Bella, go back to the car," Edward said with a darkness to his tone that I had never heard from him before.

"You little shit!" the man yelled, after he realized what had just happened. "I'm bleeding!" he shrieked, but then his entire demeanor morphed into one of fear when he actually looked at the source of his pain. The sound of Edward's voice was almost nothing compared to the demented and beautifully terrifying look on his face. I had never seen such an expression on him before, and even I was intimidated.

"You're going to be bleeding a hell of a lot more in a minute," Edward seethed, and the man's eyes widened in pure terror. "Bella, go back to the car and lock the doors," he ordered.

Without even telling my legs to move, I found myself obeying his command, and rushing back to the car.

When I got inside, I did as I was told and locked the doors, and then immediately looked behind me hoping to see Edward.

"I shouldn't have left him," I cried quietly to myself when I didn't see him. I was about to get out of the car and go after him, but thankfully that was when Edward came into view. He was walking calmly towards the car, and then stood by the driver's door and waited for me to unlock it.

"My god, are you okay?" I shouted with a mix of concern and relief as he took his seat. I then leaned over the center console, and grabbed his face in my hands to look him over for any injuries.

"I'm fine," he said, before gently but firmly pushing me off of him. He started the car, and immediately headed for the interstate.

"Are we going to find somewhere else to sleep?" I asked confused. It was only three A.M., and I figured he had to still be just as tired as I was.

Edward clinched his jaw and shook his head subtly. "I just need to drive for a bit," he said evenly. "You can go back to sleep."

"Edward, I'm sorry…"

"Don't apologize for being attacked!" he said sternly. "Don't ever apologize for something like that. It's not your fault there's scum in the world, taking up space and polluting our air just from breathing."

"I know, I'm just sorry I couldn't wait till morning to use the bathroom," I said quietly.

"You can't help that either, just… next time, please wake me up before you go."

"How did you even know I left?" I asked after a heavy moment.

"I don't know. I just woke up and you were gone, so I went into the store but couldn't find you. I headed back to the car and that's when I saw that guy grab you." His anger over the incident was still strong in his voice, but it was clear he was trying to calm himself down.

"What happened after I went back to the car? Did he try to fight you?" I asked concerned.

"No, he just shit his pants. Most evil scum like that are actually pathetic cowards. God, I should go back there and rip his head off."

"No, you shouldn't! Just keep going," I told him nervously.

"If he was going to do that to you, he will find someone else to hurt. If I kill him, it could save some other girl."

"You aren't going to kill him!" I forbade.

He shook his head again, and then he took the next exit and headed back on the freeway in the opposite direction.

"Edward, don't!" I yelled. "Go back the other way. You cant kill someone!"

"No, but I can report it," he said evenly. He drove back to the convince store, and parked right under a light by the entrance. My assailant's truck was still there, so I was going to suggest that I stay out and make sure it doesn't leave, but Edward refused to leave me alone.

"Stay there for a moment," he told me, before getting out of the car, and rushing over to my side to open the door for me. As soon as I stepped out of the car, I practically jumped into his arms, and held onto him for dear life. I just wanted to feel safe in his arms for just a minute, because it was really the only way I would find the strength to go tell a stranger what had just happened.

I was trembling as he held me securely, so he rubbed my back, and shocked me by kissing my forehead. "Everything is going to be fine. Let's go make sure that trash is off the streets."

I nodded in agreement, and then something occurred to me. "But Edward, when the police get here, they're going to ask for our IDs, and then they're going to see we are underage, and they'll call our parent's."

"I know," he replied blankly.

"We're not going to make it to Florida," I added apologetically.

He sighed. "Its more important to make sure this guy won't hurt anyone."

After the store clerk called the police for us, they arrived a little bit later. We told them what happened, so they found the man and brought him inside. When they asked him his side of the story, he surprisingly admitted everything. Whatever fear Edward had instilled in him, must have made an impact, because the man actually kept glancing at Edward with a petrified expression as he spoke.

As predicted, the police then asked for our IDs, and questioned why two seventeen year old's were so far from home in the middle of the night. Edward attempted to talk our way out of it, but the officer wasn't buying his story.

"Bella, you should go back to the station with them, and wait for your dad to pick you up," Edward suggested as the officer's attention was diverted back to my assailant.

"What are you planning to do?" I asked concerned.

"I'm going to Florida," he said evenly.

"Then I'm going with you," I told him unwavering. He was about to argue with me, but I didn't give him a chance. I automatically turned to rush out of the store, and Edward didn't have a choice but to follow me. We both hurried to the car, and before the police even realized we had ran, Edward was driving us back onto the freeway.

"You are seriously going to get me arrested for kidnapping, do you realize that?" Edward asked, almost out of breath from the adrenaline of our escape.

"Why would you get arrested for kidnapping?" I asked unconcerned.

"Um, because I'm eighteen next week, and you won't be eighteen for a few more months," he pointed out.

"Well, you're not eighteen yet."

Edward was visibly freaking out a bit as we drove further and further away. Neither of us knew if we broke any laws by taking off like that, but he was a lot more worried about it than I was. Worst case scenario, the police start looking for us, we get caught, and then my dad fixes whatever legal trouble we could possibly be in for running from the them. It wasn't like we'd go to jail, so everything would end up being fine. The truth was, technically we were runaways, and runaway teens weren't the police force's main concern, so I figured we'd probably be okay for a while at least.

"Maybe we should sell your car?" I suggested after a while.

"What?" Edward asked surprised.

"We could get good money for it, and then just buy something cheaper. The police may be looking for this car by now."

"In order to sell it, we'd need the pink slip and go through the proper channels. If the police are looking for this car, they'd be able to trace the bill of sale and registration and all that, and figure out whatever car we'd be driving next."

"Yeah, but all that takes time, right? It's not like we're planning to be gone forever. We just need a little help to get us through the next week or so. The registration process would take longer than that."

"It's a good idea, but I don't have the pink slip," he said after considering it. "Nobody would buy a car without that. We're just going to have to keep going, and see how far we can get before we are caught and forced to go home…. Well, before you're forced to go home and I'm arrested for kidnapping a minor."

"You're not going to be arrested," I tried assuring him. "We ran away together. Everything is going to be fine."

"Unless… they get desperate and my dad reports this car stolen. Then I'll be arrested for sure."

"Then he'd also get you out of it. Do you really think either of our dads would be cool with you sitting in a jail cell?"

"If my dad is pissed enough. And your dad would probably love that right about now. He hardly let you cross the street alone before."

"That was before. I bet you'd be surprised how lax he has gotten lately. He even suggested I walk home alone from the bus stop after school every day instead of going to your house."

Really?" he said surprised. "That is strange. But of course that's nowhere near the same thing as this. I bet he hates me for dragging you into this, especially after he finds out what happened with that trucker."

"What almost happened," I emphasized. "You saved me. I think he'd be grateful."

"He'd be grateful if I saved you from some kind of attack at school or something. But the fact you were even in a position to be attacked at all is completely my fault and unforgivable."

"It wasn't your fault," I disagreed.

"I should have never parked there. I should have taken you to a hotel, made sure you were safe. That was too close, and incredibly reckless of me. I could have lost you…" he let his words trail off.

I sighed. "You told me before we left that we wouldn't be staying in hotels," I argued, hating that he felt so guilty. "I practically forced you to take me with you. None of this is your fault."

"Bella, you almost got kidnapped, and…" he couldn't even say the word. "I would have never forgiven myself if something like that happened to you. I already can't forgive myself for what almost happened."

"And I won't forgive myself if my stupid mistake makes you miss your chance to get the answers you need. We have to get to Florida in order to move forward, so please, let's try to refocus on that. I'm okay, you're okay, let's just keep going and not beat ourselves up over something that didn't happen."

He thought about it for a few moments, and then he nodded. "Okay, but no matter what, we stay together for the rest of this trip. No exceptions!"

"Together," I confirmed. Just to further prove my words, I grabbed his hand and wove my fingers in his. "No matter what," I added with conviction.

…

 *****A/N: Hmm, I wonder if this incident would remind him of something? Maybe, maybe not… ;)**

 **Please leave me a few thoughts. Thanks!**


	7. Magnets

**Chapter 7 – Magnets**

We wanted to get as many miles between us and that truck stop as possible, so Edward kept driving for the rest of the early morning, until it was pretty much lunch time. All the while, I kept my hand securely on his, over the center console. We weren't exactly holding hands, but I needed to keep in physical contact with him, just to feel safe after that traumatic event we had just experienced. He didn't seem to mind, in fact, I almost thought he liked the contact as much as I did.

"Okay, time for a break," Edward finally said with a yawn, before parking in front of an old fashion looking store.

"What is this place?" I asked confused. My legs felt stiff from the hours in the car, so I was grateful to get out and stretch for a bit, but my stomach was growling like crazy, and I was hoping we'd be able to get some real food instead of just specialty store junk.

"This is Cracker Barrel," Edward told me while gesturing to the big sign on the building. "My dad took my family to one of these when we went on that trip to New York a few years ago."

"Oh… do they have… chips?" I asked, trying to stay positive about it.

He laughed. "Maybe. Come on, let's go get some food."

Still feeling the need to keep connected to him, I grabbed onto his arm and held on tightly as he led me into the store. Once inside, I was pleasantly surprised that not only was it a cool little store, but it was also a restaurant that served real hearty meals.

"Wow, this is so good," I moaned as I dug into my plate. It was exactly what I wanted, and probably some of the best food I had ever tasted; then again, with how hungry I was, anything at the moment probably would have been the best thing I ever tasted.

I sat besides Edward in the booth, and pretty much crowded him the entire time. I left no space between us, and made sure my shoulder was securely in his armpit. At one point, he shifted slightly away from me, but I just closed the small space by scooting even tighter to his side. He moved, I moved; we were like magnets, in the best possible way.

Neither of us commented on our sudden closeness. I figured he must have just understood how much I needed that contact, and I was grateful. It almost felt like we were each the force holding the other together at that point. It was a new, but familiar and magically wonderful feeling.

We had a connection that went beyond physicality; I had never felt closer to any other human being in my life than I felt to Edward that day. Whatever bond we had as little kids was fully restored, and even grew and strengthened in such a short amount of time. In a weird strange way, I was almost grateful for that horrifying incident with the trucker, because it certainly seemed to solidify the restoration of our beautiful relationship. It honestly felt like I had a piece of myself back that had been missing for so long. I knew without a doubt it was a friendship I'd never allow to disappear again.

We spent our lunch playfully stealing food off of each other's plates, and then sharing a dessert. After Edward paid our bill, we took some time to browse the little store, before getting back on the road.

We drove until exhaustion wouldn't allow us to continue, and then we decided to spend the night in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

"This should be safer, right?" I asked unsure.

"As long as we keep the doors locked," he replied with a scolding undertone.

"I promise I will not get out of this car unless you're with me," I said assuredly. "And since you're with me, let's go inside and get provisions for the night."

We walked into the store, bought some more snacks and used the restroom, and then hurried back to the car and locked all the doors. Of course, the moment we were shut into that small confined space again, I suddenly caught a whiff of an unpleasant odor.

"I think I'm smelling pretty ripe by now," I said sheepishly, realizing the stench was my own BO. It was rather embarrassing, but I figured it was better to make light of it then to just force Edward to suffer in silence. At least if we acknowledged it right away, we could crack the windows or something.

"I'm sure you smell better than I do," Edward said with a laugh.

I smiled. "Let me see," I said playfully, and then practically crawled into his lap so I could smell him. "Oh yeah, definitely in need of a shower," I lied. The truth was, I actually thought he smelled amazing. Weirdly enough, there was something about his particular natural body aroma that I had always enjoyed. It almost smelled like _home_ , in a way, and it always brought back a flood of amazing memories from when we were young. If he never showered again, I'd just happily marinate in his smell forever. Of course, I'd never admit that out loud or he'd probably call me insane.

I had a strong urge to stay seated on his lap, but I figured it would get weird after a minute, so I reluctantly crawled back to my seat.

"Maybe we should get a room for tomorrow night. Just so we can shower and get a good night's sleep," Edward suggested.

"I thought you couldn't get a hotel without a credit card?" I questioned.

"Most you can't, but I'm sure we can find a little shady place that allows it. You know, the kind bums frequent when they find enough cash."

"Wow… sounds lovely."

Edward sighed. "I'm sorry. Without a credit card, I'm not sure what else we can do."

I smiled at him. "Its okay. As long as we're together, I'm sure it'll be fine."

I reached over and grabbed his hand, and held it tightly until I drifted off to sleep. By morning, I was pleasantly surprised that our hands never came unlinked in the night, and even more surprised by the fact that they were in a rather intimate area of my lap. Edward was twisted rather awkwardly in his chair in order to keep his arm stretched all the way to me, and he was clearly still asleep and unaware of his hand's compromising position. I, on the other hand, was all too aware, and I couldn't help but stare at it.

I had no idea what was running through my mind, or how I felt while looking at our joined hands in that way, but suddenly my heart began to race.

Without consciously intending to do so, I found myself, ever so carefully, rolling my wrist over, so that his knuckles were pressed against the fabric between my thighs. I applied the tiniest bit of added pressure to force his skin to go into me just a little more deeper, and suddenly my entire body stiffened in a strange sensation I never felt before. I started gently rolling his knuckle into me, over and over, until my entire body was devoured with heat, my breathing spiked, and my stomach twisted. I wanted so much more of him, but then I abruptly realized what I was doing.

"What the hell, Bella?" I whispered to myself. A wave of horrifying guilt washed over me, as I considered the fact that I was practically forcing him to do something against his will, without him even knowing it. Did that make me some kind of sick pervert? The very fact that I had any kind of sexual impulse for him at all shocked me. Sure, he was probably my favorite person in the world again, and the most beautiful human being I had ever seen, but he was also _Edward_. I just didn't understand any of it, and I was suddenly worried that I was an abusive predator on top of it all. What kind of person forces a sleeping guy to touch her? A family member, none the less. I really wasn't any better than that evil trucker who attacked me, and I was thoroughly repulsed with myself.

I spent the next hour or so worrying about what kind of monster I had become, when Edward finally began to stir. A big part of me wanted to confess what I did, but I was too much of a coward and kept it locked inside. I only hoped I found some strength to control myself from then on out.

"Are you okay?" he asked me groggily.

"What? Why?" I asked confused, and increasingly more paranoid. _Why would he ask if I was ok? Did he know something?_

"You look a little green," Edward said, suddenly becoming concerned. He sat up and felt my forehead to see if I had a fever.

"I'm fine!" I snapped at him unexpectedly. I didn't mean to use that tone, so I sighed. "I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"Its okay," he assured me softly. "Come on, let's go in the store and use the bathroom, and grab something for breakfast."

He got out first, and walked around the car to open the door for me. Once I got out, Edward actually held out his hand, and waited for me to grab ahold of it like I did the entire day before, however I refused. I couldn't even look at his hand without thinking about what he didn't know that I forced him to do. Even worse than the guilt, I kept having a throbbing ache between my thighs every time I thought about it. What the hell was wrong with me?

When it was obvious that I wasn't going to take his hand, he almost looked disappointed, but he didn't express it verbally; he just dropped his hand, and lead the way to the store without any physical contact.

After using the restroom again, we browsed the aisles, and I struggled with my yearning to reach out and touch him the entire time. Our inner magnets wanted to collide, and it was so hard to resist. But fighting that desire that intensely left me feeling bitter and angry, and unfortunately, Edward noticed.

"Okay, why are you so upset this morning?" he asked as we got back into the car.

I choked back my self-loathing long enough to force out a smile. "I'm not."

"You're getting burned out, aren't you?" he assumed.

I shrugged. "I don't know, I'm just… grumpy," I admitted reluctantly. It was only a partial truth, but that was all I could give him at the moment. "I'm sure I'll snap out of it soon."

"No big deal. We've been on the road for a long time. It's normal to get irritated with everything."

I nodded in agreement, although I couldn't disagree with him more. Nothing about him irritated me anymore, and I doubted he ever would again. I wasn't irritated with him, or our time together, or anything about our trip whatsoever. The only irritation that existed in my life at that exact moment was in a direct result of my newfound confusing desires for him.

We headed back onto the highway, but a few hours of heavy awkwardness later, Edward was taking a seemingly random exit.

"Where are you going?" I asked confused.

"Didn't you see that sign back there? It said to go this way for the world's largest ball of yarn. I don't know about you, but I really need to see that."

"What?" I asked with a laugh despite myself.

"Look, we will probably never be out on the road like this again, at least not the two of us together. We're probably both moving away from home this summer, so…" He shrugged. "Let's take advantage of this time, and try to have some fun."

I smiled at him, and somehow immediately felt better. I knew what I had done was wrong, but there was no point in dwelling on it. Spending that time alone with Edward, and fully mending our relationship, was so incredibly special that I decided to not waste it. I could always save my guilty self-loathing for later.

"Wow," I said as we stood outside and needed to stretch our heads all the way back to see the top of the giant ball of yarn.

"That could make a lot of scarfs," Edward deadpanned, which pretty much made me spit with laughter.

"Don't make fun of me!" I tried to say as my belly laugh took over.

"Hey, I still have the scarf you made me," he said surprisingly.

"Yeah right," I replied in disbelief. When we were ten, I had started learning how to knit. I was horrible at it, but made atrocious scratchy scarfs for every member of our family. Everyone was pretty much grateful when I had run out of yarn and couldn't make any more, thus ending my scarf making phase. The fact that Edward even joked about still having his scarf was hilarious, and incredibly sweet.

"I heard those people over there talking about visiting the world's biggest bowling ball a couple hours away from here. You wanna go?" he asked after a few minutes.

I scrunched my face at him.

"Oh, come on! When else will we get the chance to see the world's biggest bowling ball?"

I smiled and shook my head. "If it means that much to you, let's go."

He smiled like a kid on Christmas morning, and then he approached the people to ask them exactly where the bowling ball was located. He wrote down directions, and then we drove two hours out of our way to go see it.

From there, we learned of two more record breaking landmarks within a four hour radius, and spent the rest of the day touring around and acting like we didn't have anywhere to be or a care in the world. It definitely prolonged our trip at least a day, but neither of us cared. We were discovering middle America, and discovering ourselves along the way. I knew all the experiences we were sharing would mold our lives in ways nothing else ever could, and I truly felt privileged to get that opportunity to do it along side Edward.

It got late once again, so we had to stop at three different scuzzy motels before we could find one that would accept cash only, and then we settled in for the night.

I only hoped being in that tiny dirty room, and sharing that gross lumpy bed, didn't threaten my fragile self-control that I was desperately clinging to. I would keep my hands to myself. _I had to_ …

…

 _ *****A/N: It is not lost on me that if the situation was reversed and Edward was the one touching Bella in her sleep, it would sound much more creepy. I do not believe in double standards, so I'm not excusing it in any way shape or form. Please don't send me hate mail for it. I promise, she will confess. Lol.**_

 _ **** Any thoughts or words are greatly appreciated. Thanks!**_


	8. Flying

**Chapter 8 – Flying**

"Wow, so this place is… interesting," I said as I looked around the small dirty room.

"Yeah…. Maybe sleeping in the car is better," Edward said while peeking into the bathroom.

I tentatively pushed on the full sized lumpy looking bed, and it made a loud squeak. "Oh… this should be fun."

Edward laughed. "Don't worry, the only squeaks waking you up at night will be yours."

"What do you mean?" I asked unsure.

"I wasn't planning on sleeping in the bed with you."

"Why not? Isn't that sort of the point to getting this room? So we can sleep in a bed?" I questioned.

"No, it was so _you_ can sleep in a bed."

"Edward, come on. I'm sure you're neck and back are hurting from sleeping in the car just as much as mine are. Besides, you paid for the room."

"My back is fine actually. I wanted to get this room more for the shower than anything else. I'll sleep on the floor. It's cool."

"There's no way I'm going to let you sleep on this nasty carpet. You might get some disgusting disease from being down there. I don't even want to take my shoes off."

"I'll sleep on a blanket," he argued.

"I don't know if the blankets are much cleaner," I grumbled, mostly to myself as I analyzed the bed.

"Here let me see," Edward said, before grabbing the edge of the blanket, but then he paused. "Worst case scenario, we just take advantage of the shower, and then go sleep in the car again."

I nodded in agreement.

Edward took a deep breath, then braced himself before pulling the covers all the way down in one fast swoop. Thankfully, to both of our surprise, we didn't see any visible stains on the sheets, and no bedbugs. Since they were white, it was clear that they were washed with bleach, and they even smelled as such.

"That stinging chemical smell is better than smelling dirt or BO, right?" Edward asked me with a smirk.

"At least we know the sheets were washed at some point," I agreed. "Do you want to take the first shower, or should I?"

"Why don't you go ahead. I'm going to grab my duffle bag out of the car."

The car was parked right in front of the door, so I nodded and then locked myself in the bathroom.

The shower looked just as grimy as the rest of the room, with missing tiles and a heavy musty smell, but the towels were also white and recently bleached, so at least that was something. Regardless of everything else, the water ran hot, and it felt so good as it washed away my stink.

When I stayed in the shower longer than I probably should have, I reluctantly turned it off and then stepped out before realizing I had a problem.

"Crap," I said as I looked at my dirty clothes sitting in a puddle of water on the bathroom floor. The idea of putting those nasty things back on was repulsive enough, but now that they were also soaked from the shower overflow, I was seriously in for an uncomfortable night.

I whined to myself as I picked up my shirt, and twisted it to ring out the water. Just as I was about to force it over my head, Edward saved me yet again.

"Hey, Bella," he called through the door.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Um… I have some clothes for you," he said unexpectedly.

"You do?" I asked eagerly, but I was confused. "How? Where did you get them?"

I knew for a fact that we never bought any clothes from store the couple times we stopped, so how did he have clothes for me?

"Yeah, well, they're my clothes, but you're welcome to them."

"Oh… Okay, sure. Thanks," I said, and then cracked open the door and reached my hand out to him.

Edward had grabbed himself some clothes before leaving on the trip, but he had yet to change once the entire time. He must have figured if I was going to be dirty, he may as well be dirty too. I suppose it was a camaraderie in a way, and I appreciated it.

I hurried and put on his sweatpants and t-shirt, and couldn't help but inhale the smell of them deep inside my lungs. They were clean, but they had also been inside his duffle bag for days now, and as a result, they smelled like him - That sweet delicious Edward smell was now covering me, and I couldn't help but be thrilled about it.

"Shower is all yours," I told him as I came out of the bathroom.

"Was it horrible?" he asked as he passed me going in.

"No, but the water gets everywhere. My clothes are drenched. Hey, why don't you put your dirty clothes on my pile over in the corner, and maybe I can hand wash them all in the tub after you're done with your shower," I suggested.

"Okay, yeah. Good idea," he told me with a smile that would have made any girl go weak in the knees.

Our eyes stayed locked for a moment, but then he broke away and shut himself inside the bathroom, so I sighed and then reluctantly sat on the bed. I turned on the TV and tried to find something interesting to watch, but I kept thinking about his clothes being on my body, and suddenly I was swimming in my own dizzying haze of desire. I ran my hand up his sweats on my leg, and caressed the fabric, making my heart race and my breathing speed. I allowed my hands to reach the spot between my thighs, and even just the thought of touching his pants in that way made me tense up, and a shot of yearning darted straight through my core.

The feeling of being aroused was completely foreign to me. It was something I hadn't really encountered before, and it was intense, and completely unexpected. I dated Mike for over six months, and never felt anything close to being as turned on as I was right then, simply from wearing Edward's clothes.

The feeling freaked me out, so I forced myself to try to calm down and think of anything other than what I was wearing; the fact that Edward was currently naked on the other side of that thin door definitely didn't help matters. In an attempt to distract myself, I ran my hands through my wet matted hair, and even pulled and ripped at the knots hoping the pain would wash away my unwanted desires.

It worked for a little bit, but those desires only returned and intensified when Edward emerged from the bathroom with his hair wet, and drops of water splattered on his bare chest like diamonds.

I suddenly choked on my own spit, and then coughed as a result.

"You okay?" he asked concerned.

"Yeah," I said with a tight throat. I was taken completely off guard by his perfectly sculpted, nearly naked body. It wasn't the first time I had seen him wear nothing but a pair of shorts; in fact, that was how he dressed most of the evenings I spent at the Cullen house, so I was sure he didn't give his attire a second thought, but everything was different now… or maybe I was the only thing that was different. I only hoped he didn't notice my gawking and get weirded out.

"What are you watching?" he asked as he sat on the edge of the bed and looked at the TV.

"Um… nothing," I told him before quickly handing him the remote, and then practically jumping off the bed. "I'm going to go see if I can wash our clothes with whatever shampoo is left in there."

"Oh, I already did that," he replied unexpectedly.

"You did? You washed my clothes too? Like… all of them?" I asked horrified as I thought about my dirty underwear that I had left balled up in my pants.

"Yeah…. I didn't want you to have to do it, and I pretty much got the floor soaked in there from my shower, so I figured I may as well just get it done. I had a clean t-shirt to wear to bed, but that got all wet too, so I had to hang it with everything else."

"Oh… don't you have any other clothes left?" I asked, desperately hoping he'd get my subtle request for him to put on a shirt.

"I didn't really plan this whole thing out very well," he responded apologetically. "I think my mom was doing laundry when we left, so my choices for clean clothes were pretty slim. I really hope hand washing our other clothes in the tub works out, otherwise it might be pretty embarrassing to walk around like this," he said with a laugh while pointing at his bare chest.

I smiled at him; I couldn't help it.

"So, come back over here and let's find something to watch before we go to sleep," he insisted. "We can't exactly rent a movie since I didn't give them a credit card, but they have free HBO."

"I'm sure whatever you find will be great," I said quietly as I continued to stand there staring at him. I didn't mean to speak so soft, but it hard to speak at all at the moment. The sight of his near naked perfectness sprawled out on the foot off the bed as he tried to get comfortable, was seriously one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen.

Edward looked up at me, and then grimaced. "Why are you still standing there acting all weird?"

When it took too long for me to find my voice, he huffed. "If I'm grossing you out, I can put my wet shirt on, or just sit on the floor," he offered, completely jumping to the wrong conclusion. I had wished he was wearing more clothes, but certainly not because he grossed me out.

"No, you don't gross me out at all," I said sincerely, but then I followed that truth with a lie – "I'm sorry, I just have a headache."

I was pretty much terrified that my lack of self-control would only cause more issues between us, but I couldn't stand there all night, so I forced my legs forward and sat back on the bed. I quickly buried myself under the blanket so I could have a barrier between us, and hoped it would be enough to detour my defiant hands for the night.

"Do you want me to call the receptionist to see if they have any pain meds for you?" Edward asked, still worried about my so-called headache.

"Thanks, but I'll be okay," I assured him.

"You sure? Its not a problem," he pressed. I shook my head no, so he sighed. "Okay, just let me know if you change your mind."

He started channel surfing, but after going through all of them for a third time and finding nothing, we were both ready to just pass out.

"Edward, really, I'm not cool with you sleeping on the floor," I told him unwavering as he started gathering his pillow and a blanket.

"Its fine. I just really want to stretch out. I'm sure I'll be snoring before you even have a chance to get comfortable."

"If you're going to sleep on the floor, I will too," I insisted stubbornly.

He laughed once. "Well, that would be pretty silly."

"You're right, it would be, so come sleep on the bed next to me. We used to sleep together in my bed all the time when we were younger," I reminded him.

He let out a long, low breath, and then hesitantly got up and climbed into the bed next to me, which only made me excited and terrified at the same time.

 _God, I wanted to touch him._ It was practically torture keeping my hands locked to my sides, but I refused to fail at controlling that urge again.

"This is weird, isn't it?" Edward asked me after a few moments. We were both lying on our sides facing each other, and we were so close I could feel his breath on my face – His delicious, sweet smelling breath that I wanted nothing more than to get even closer to so I could breathe him deep into every corner of my body.

"Its not actually that weird," I admitted. It was hard not to touch him, but it being "weird" couldn't be further from accurate. We had grown up sneaking into each other's bedrooms at night to sleep, so in a way, it was comforting. The only foreign aspect of it was the buzzing electricity that seemed to be radiating between us. I couldn't help but wonder if he felt it too. _Surely, he had to feel it too, right?_

"Yeah, maybe not as weird as it should be," he agreed with a grin.

"Why did we stop sleeping together?" I asked, no louder than a whisper.

He looked away from me, and didn't seem to want to make eye contact again. "We just grew up," he mumbled, before rolling over so his back was towards me. "Try to get some sleep."

I wasn't expecting to be so bothered by his response, but I was. I had no idea what I wanted him to say, but for whatever reason, his action was hurtful.

"Edward, please don't shut me out again," I practically begged him. I really felt like I had my best friend back after spending the past few years pretending to hate each other, and I didn't think I could handle losing him again in that way.

"I'm not trying to shut you out," he said frustrated. He sat up and looked at me, so I sat up as well, and braced myself for whatever he needed to tell me. "I'm just … so confused about everything lately," he admitted.

I swallowed roughly, and then murmured, "Me too."

We stared at each other for what seemed like an extremely long time, and yet, it also passed in an instant. Then, ever so slowly, our inner magnets began pulling us closer together. I almost felt like a spectator watching it happen from the outside – as if my body was no longer being controlled by my mind – and Edward made it known that he was experiencing the exact same thing...

"What are we doing?" he asked in a mix of quiet panic and soft desperation.

"I don't know," I replied honestly as we helplessly watched ourselves move even closer.

Once we were within an inch of each other, and his perfect lips were so incredibly close to mine, he mumbled -"We should stop."

"We should definitely stop," I whispered in agreement, but instead of backing down like we just agreed to do, I found myself reaching for him, and knotting my hands in the back of his hair.

"This is so wrong," he said under his breath, and then we lost the fight against ourselves as we came crashing together.

Edward's lips on mine had to be the single most amazing and surreal feeling I had ever had up until that point. He tasted even better than he smelled, and I wished I could bottle his flavor and take sips of it for the rest of my life. He was absolute perfection in every way, and as our kiss deepened, those intense feelings I had been drowning in only strengthened...

But I was no longer drowning...

 _I was flying._

My heart felt like it was going to fly right out of my chest as his mouth left mine, and trailed down to my neck. I almost expected him to put a stop to it, but thankfully he didn't, and the next thing I felt was his hand caressing up my body and under my shirt. I wasn't wearing a bra, so when he touched my breast, I unintentionally gasped.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly.

Before he had a chance to move away, I told him –"Don't be," and then I pulled him back into our kiss, while urging his hand to continue its exploration of my breast.

When his finger swept over my nipple, the sensation ran down my spine, and I was suddenly desperate with a crazed hunger. I didn't know if I pulled him over me, or if he pushed me over, but somehow I was lying on my back and he was over me, and under me, and all around me.

The throbbing between my thighs felt like it was going to burst right through my skin, until one of us started rubbing it over my pants. _Was it his hand or mine?_ I didn't even know, but it had to be the most intense sensation I had ever experienced. Heat devoured me, and it only got hotter until it was scorching.

I had no choice but to break my lips from his so I could catch my breath, but I held onto him for dear life so he'd know I didn't want him to stop.

I ran my hands down the skin on his back, and then I rested them on his shorts for a moment. My breathing spiked, but I refused to stop there, and I found myself pushing the fabric off of his hips. At the same time, his hand dipped under the waistband of my sweatpants, and his cool fingers went straight for my burning core.

His touch caused an electric jolt, which pulsated in waves through every inch of me. It felt so much more incredible than I ever imagined, and having him actively participate in touching me was definitely far better than doing it alone could have ever been. It exceeded anything I could have even imagined.

I didn't know how it happened, but somehow my shirt was gone, and so were my pants, and I could feel him in a place nobody else had ever been. We both paused, and he stared at me in an unspoken request, and of course, I understood.

I nodded, and even tightened my grip on him to further convey my eager acceptance, and then, ever so slowly, I felt him enter my body. He kept his eyes locked on mine, and the connection I felt to him was so strong that I had to fight the urge to cry. We were one body, one soul, just as we always should have been, and I knew without a doubt we were meant to be connected in that way. I was made for him, and he was made for me. It wasn't a question, it was a simple and beautiful fact.

After a few surreal moments, he began to move in and out of me, and when he let out the slightest whimper, I lost whatever last remaining strength I had been clinging to, and came undone around him. The feeling was so powerful that for a few moments, I lost all my senses as the world spun uncontrollably and then seemed to explode, before settling into a warm numbing haze that encompassed every inch of my body.

He pushed into me as few more times, quivered, and then stilled, before he finally came to a rest with his forehead against mine.

We breathed heavily together. Each taking turns breathing the other in, but neither of us spoke. We just stared at each other for several long moments, lost in the surreal new reality of our relationship. He was already my family and my best friend, but now he was absolutely everything, and if he asked me to live like that forever with him, I would in a heartbeat.

I didn't know if one of us initiated it, or if we just collided back together simultaneously, but we were soon kissing again, and it quickly escalated into him pushing himself back inside me.

We made love for what seemed like hours, and yet, when I could no longer keep my eyes open, I couldn't help but feel bitter that my body had disappointed me and shut down too soon.

I woke up once briefly in the night, and smiled to myself as I looked at Edward's sleeping form. His arms and legs were still tangled tightly with mine, and I couldn't even tell where his body ended and mine began. As much as I wanted to stare at him forever, I knew we had plenty of time for that later, so I allowed sleep to take back over again.

It seemed like I had only barely just closed my eyes, when the bright sun of morning was suddenly illuminating the room.

I was still exhausted, and every muscle in my body seemed to ache, but I smiled at the pain knowing it was Edward's loving that had caused it. I reached over towards him, but all the wind was abruptly and violently knocked out of my lungs as I was hit with a terrifying realization…

I was alone.

…

 *****A/N: I think everyone saw their little love connection coming, right? But where did Edward go now? I have the next chapter just about ready to post, so if anyone can guess his correct location, I'll upload it early _. Anyone have any ideas? )_**


	9. Confessions

_*****A/N:** Most people guessed that Edward had gone to get food and/or clean clothes, but sorry, nobody was correct. It was sort of unfair of me to ask you to guess, because I don't know how anyone could have possibly guessed correctly. Lol. Thanks anyway for trying. I love hearing from everyone!_

 _P.S. This is still an early update. I usually take three or four days;) Thanks again!_

…

 **Chapter 9 – Confessions**

"Edward?" I said worriedly as I looked around the empty room from where I was still sitting on the bed.

I pulled the t-shirt he gave me over my head, and didn't even worry about pants as I hurried to check the bathroom. The door was open, and it was dark inside, but I flipped on the light switch anyway, and my heart sank when I was sure that it was also empty.

I couldn't even begin to comprehend where he would have gone or why. After what happened with the trucker, he promised we would stay together from then on out, so I never expected him to leave for any reason. I didn't know whether to be hurt or angry, but either way, I was starting to panic.

I was about to run outside to look for him, but then I noticed the chain was still locked from the inside, so he couldn't have possibly left. Just to be certain, I peeked through the peephole and I could clearly see his car still parked there, which was a relief but only confused me even more.

Where was he?

Bewildered, I checked the window to see if he could have gone out that way, and then I even looked under the bed, but he just wasn't anywhere. It was like he disappeared into thin air, and it was absolutely terrifying.

However, just as I was about to pick up the room phone and call for help, it suddenly hit me like a lightning bolt…

"Edward?" I said gently as I opened the little closet door, and finally found him huddled in a ball in the dark corner. My relief was immeasurable, but at the same time, it was heartbreaking to see him like that again. "Hey…" I squatted down, and rubbed his back tenderly, trying to wake him from the deep sleep he was clearly in. He still didn't move, so I ran my hands through his perfectly wild hair, and I may have even kissed the back of his neck.

"Edward, wake up," I said a little more strongly, which finally got him stirring.

"Huh?" he asked groggily. He clearly had no idea where he was or what he was doing in the closet, and I wasn't surprised.

"Hey, come back to bed," I repeated.

"What? Why? Where are we?" he asked confused.

"We're still in the motel, but you must have sleep walked into the closet again," I told him softly.

"The closet?" he questioned. It was not a first time occurrence for him, but by the surprised look on his face, it must have been the first time in quite a while. "Oh… Yeah, sorry about that," he said, before climbing to his feet, and then noticing he was naked.

"Uh… so… that really happened," he said, as if he had thought he only dreamed us being together in that way.

"It did," I confirmed.

Before he had a chance to say any more, I grabbed his hand, and led him back to bed. We both got under the covers, and he reclined back on the pillow, so I cuddled across his chest and just stared at him, waiting for him to say whatever he felt he needed to.

When the minutes ticked by, and he still hadn't spoken, I decided to ask him the most relevant question of the moment...

"I take it that hasn't happened in a while?" I asked softly.

He shook his head. "Not in a long time. What the fuck? That's so weird," he grumbled to himself. He seemed to stare off into space for a few long beats, but then he rubbed his face roughly and looked at me. "That's it."

"What's it?" I asked confused.

"Remember, the other day, you asked me what my earliest memory was?" I nodded, so he continued. "That's it. I remember everything being dark… so dark I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face… and then suddenly I was blinded by the light… and you were there… standing in the center of that light."

I nodded. "When you first came to live with us, you kept hiding in the closets, and I just thought it was a game."

"You always found me," he murmured.

"But a lot of the time, you wanted to stay in the dark, so I would sit besides you, and we'd just… stay in there for… hours maybe."

"Yeah… Why? Why did I do that?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I asked your dad once, and he said you felt safe in closets."

"Safe?" Edward asked perplexed. "Safe from what?"

"Nobody ever seemed to want to talk about it."

He was lost in thought for another minute, and then he shook his head. "Bella… why is it… every time I even try to think about any of that stuff… all I really remember is you?"

"Me?" I asked confused.

"These past few days, since I found out I was adopted, I've really been trying to remember before… before I was a Cullen, but… all I remember is you. You are literally in every single one of my earliest memories."

"We were really close back then. Pretty much from the beginning, we just… clicked."

"Until we just didn't anymore," he grumbled.

"We got along until… until freshmen year when you fell for Gianna. Then it was like, you couldn't be bothered by me anymore."

"That's not true," he murmured. "I only started dating her when my feelings for you got too intense."

"Too intense?" I asked, hoping he'd clarify.

"I was so… in love with you, even back then."

"You were?" I asked as my chest clinched from his words. Hearing he loved me was incredible, but he almost said it like it was a bad thing, which only baffled me.

"I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember… but I didn't understand it, and it scared me, so I pushed you away and just let bitterness take over because it's an easier emotion. I started dated other girls, and tried to force myself to feel something, anything, for someone else, just to mask how intense my feelings for you really were… It never worked. I even had to think about you just to… " He let his words trail off, but I got the hint.

"Why couldn't you just talk to me?" I questioned. "We used to tell each other everything."

"I didn't understand it at the time, and when I finally did, it was too late," he said unexpectedly.

"Too late?"

"You got with Mike, and… Gah, I hate that guy! I never hated anyone more, and it not just because he's a douche bag… it's because you're his."

I felt like he just stabbed me in the gut. How could he even think that after the night we just spent together?

"I'm not his!" I nearly spat. I sat up so I could look at him better, and he followed my lead and did the same. "I chose you! I chose you the moment I jumped into your car and came on this trip with you. I chose you every time I pushed Mike away and refused to let him touch me. I actually chose you long before that. I've always been yours; I've just been waiting for you to remember that and come claim me."

"You never slept with Mike?" he asked surprised.

"No. I could never bring myself to do it. I always lied to him and said I was waiting for marriage, but I know now it's because he wasn't you."

"You said you loved him," he argued.

"And you said you hated me," I retorted. "People say stupid things they don't mean sometimes when they're hurt or angry."

"I hurt you?" he asked concerned.

I nodded. "Whatever wedge that was between us was hurtful. You were the most important person in the world to me, and then it seemed like you changed overnight. I couldn't reach you anymore, and I didn't understand it, and it made me angry, but I never stopped missing you… and loving you. I may have been in denial for a while, but we were always meant to be together."

He shook his head subtly in disagreement. "Bella, we shouldn't have done this. It can't end well, and then where will we be? - Awkward and resentful towards each other at every holiday get-together for the rest of our lives." He shook his head again. "We're family; we can't just walk away from each other when its over, so we won't ever be able to escape the pain…. We shouldn't have crossed that line. I need you too much to lose you like that again."

I swallowed roughly. "Who says it has to end?"

"Everything ends," he said with a huff.

"Why? Why does it have to end?" I asked again. "You just said you love me, and I love you too, so why can't we just be happy?"

"The world is too fucked up to let anything end happily. We're too young. We won't be able to keep it together, and then I'll have to stand by and watch you end up with some idiot like Mike, and I don't know how I'll handle that after… after knowing how amazing it is to be inside you. It was already hard enough before, but now…"

"Edward… we're not too young," I disagreed gently. "Maybe we were when we were five, but we're not too young anymore. Many people fall in love at our age, and stay together for the rest of their lives. It might be hard, but it's not impossible, and I know if we really love each other, we can make it work. Everything great in life is worth fighting for."

"You don't know who I really am…. I don't even know anymore, and you're so sure we can spend our lives together?" he asked incredulously. "I sleep-walk into closets! That's not normal. There's something seriously fucked up about me, and I don't want to… pull you into that."

"You didn't pull me in, I'm the one who went into it all on my own when we were kids. It's not even a choice, I'm a part of it because we are a part of each other. It's just a fact. Whatever you go through, I will too, and vise versa, because that's just who we are. We will figure out where you came from together, and then we will figure out how to finally move past it together."

"And then what?" he questioned. "What comes after all this?"

I shrugged. "We just… live."

"You know our parents aren't going to be supportive. And what about next year when we both go in separate directions for college? "

"Are you worried you'll find someone else?" I asked him evenly.

He scrunched his face. "No. Of course not. There is no one else for me. Why do you think I don't date anymore?"

"That's what I mean. Even if we didn't realize it before, we have always loved each other. We tried pushing each other away and dating other people, but here we are, still loving each other after all this time. I don't see how anything can change that, so why are you so worried about it ending? If we don't allow anything to come between us, then nothing can. We just need to stop fighting against our feelings, and start fighting for them."

He was quiet as he considered what I was saying, and then he let out a long breath, and smiled at me crookedly. "Its that simple, huh?"

I reached my hands around his neck, and pulled myself onto his lap. "It is that simple. Life is hard enough, as long as we love each other through it all, we will always have a safe place to turn to. We can be that for each other."

"I don't deserve you," he murmured. "I never have. I'll never be good enough for you."

"That's not true. You're perfect for me, and I'm perfect for you. You'll see. I'll prove it," I whispered, and then I started kissing him. It started out as a few little sweet tender kisses on the lips, which he almost seemed to resist at first, but resistance was nearly impossible when our inner magnets wanted to be fixed together permanently.

It didn't take long for him to become an active and eager participant in our kiss, and that kiss quickly morphed into so much more. He pulled my t-shirt over my head, and let out a low moan of desire as he began kissing down my bare torso. His lips on my skin was nirvana, and I honestly couldn't imagine that feeling ever getting old, or my desire for him ever lessening.

He pushed into me fervently, and no matter how hard, or how painful it was, I only wished he'd go harder. I wanted him to go deeper than physically possible. I wanted to feel him in every pore, in every fiber of my being. If We could completely melt together to form one entity, I would, and I'd exist that way forever. Being fully connected to him was how my life was supposed to be – I didn't have a doubt.

We wasted the day away, just lying in bed and making love. We would sleep occasionally, and we talked, but mostly we just held each other and cherished that time. It was magic, and not even being in that tiny dirty room in the middle of nowhere could dampen it.

By the time evening approached again, hunger consumed us, and we couldn't just live in our little bubble of passion any longer.

"These are still wet," I said as I checked on our clothes hanging in the bathroom.

Edward laughed. "How could they still be wet?"

"I don't know, but they are," I grumbled, figuring it meant we were going to be seriously uncomfortable wearing them.

Edward wrapped his arms around me from behind, and kissed my neck sweetly. "How about you just put my sweats and t-shirt back on while we go find something to eat, and we'll worry about the rest of these clothes tomorrow."

I smiled. "And you'll just stay naked? I mean, I don't mind, but I'd rather not have strangers see you like that."

"I don't mind wearing clothes that are a little damp," he said before playfully biting my neck.

I giggled. "Don't give me a hickey right there."

"That is not how a hickey is done," he teased me. "You really were a virgin, weren't you?"

I didn't know if I should laugh or be offended. "I may have been a virgin, but that has nothing to do with kissing."

Edward laughed again. "Well then, clearly you were never kissed right."

I turned to face him, and then locked my fingers behind his neck before jumping into his arms and forcing him to hold me. "I was never kissed right, because I was never kissed by you before."

"Lucky for you, we fixed that," he said with his sexy as hell crooked smile.

"Very lucky for me," I mumbled as I leaned in to plant my lips back to his. He shoved his tongue into my mouth, and literally started licking the inside of my teeth and my cheeks, making me gag and laugh at the same time. "What are you doing?" I finally managed to spit out.

"Just having a taste. I think it's time to buy some toothbrushes while were out."

I smacked him lightly. "If my breath is that bad, you can keep your tongue in your own mouth."

"What fun would that be?" he asked before spinning me around and then actually tossing me onto the bed.

"Hey," I complained, but before I could actually yell my protests to him, he jumped on top of me, and shoved his tongue back into my mouth.

"I bet I taste just as delicious as you do right about now," he said before resuming his attack. My giggles grew until they were a full on belly laugh, as his sloppy wet kisses turned into him just licking my entire face. It was disgusting and one of the most delicious things I had ever tasted.

When our laughing slowed, he started to get off of me, assumedly to go back to getting dressed like we were supposed to be doing, but I refused to let him go. We were already naked, so I just grabbed a hold of his member, and began gently but firmly pulling it back to me.

"Hey! That is not a handle," he protested.

"It is to me," I disagreed. Without letting go, I guided him back to the right spot, and urged him to enter me once more.

He didn't deny my not so subtle request, and he began pounding into me again.

I just couldn't get enough if him, and neither my body aches, or my hunger could actually detour that yearning.

But after coming undone one more time, Edward decided our nourishment was too important to ignore any longer, so we grudgingly got dressed.

"Is your bra dry yet?" Edward asked after I had already gotten dressed in his clothes he had given me to sleep in.

"Uh… not completely. Why?"

"You may want to put it on anyway. That shirt is pretty see through," he informed me with a devious grin.

"What?" I asked, trying to sound upset, but failing at it. "You gave me a see-through shirt to sleep in before we even started having sex?"

"I didn't know it was see-through until you already had it on, and I didn't want to embarrass you or have it get awkward," he said apologetically, but he still couldn't keep the smirk off his face.

"So you just sat there and let me be… naked?" I said while playfully smacking him.

"I tried not to look. Why do you think I just wanted to turn off the lights and go to sleep." He laughed.

I laughed too, but then suddenly a horrifying thought occurred to me, and I knew I had to come clean. "I need to tell you something."

"What?" he asked, concerned by the abrupt seriousness of my tone.

I took a deep breath, and seriously hoped my admission wouldn't make him disgusted with me. "The other night… when we were sleeping in the Wal-Mart parking lot… I sort of did something."

"Bella, what is it?" he pressed when I took too long to continue.

"I… I don't know what I was thinking, but I used your hand… I touched myself with your hand… a lot," I finally choked out.

He stared at me for a long moment, and then he smirked and raised one eyebrow. "Really? Like… you touched yourself sexually with my hand?"

"Don't laugh!" I growled at him. I really should have known he'd think it was a joke, but he needed to understand just how serious it was. "You were sleeping, and I took advantage of you. It's not okay. It was very wrong of me, and I'm disgusted with myself, and I want you to know I'm sorry."

He nodded blankly. "Thank you for apologizing. You should be sorry. The least you could have done is wake me up first so I could enjoy it too."

"Edward," I moaned. "Look, if I was a guy, doing that to a girl, it… it is just wrong either way."

"You are freaking out over nothing," he tried convincing me.

"No, this is serious," I continued.

"Okay, well since you admitted your wrong doing, I'll admit something in return," he said unexpectedly.

"What?" I asked, curious as to what he could have possibly done to compare.

"When I was in the shower yesterday, I may have found your underwear... and masturbated with them," he deadpanned.

I stared at him for a moment, and attempted to decipher if he was telling the truth or not. He clearly tried to hold it in, but he started laughing despite himself.

"I thought you had something real to confess," I grumbled.

"I did. That really happened. I'm not kidding, and if I'm being honest, it wasn't even close to the first time I masturbated to your discarded undergarments. I'm pretty much a pervert. It's embarrassing, but I feel better now that I got it off my chest."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Even if that were true…"

"Which it is," he interjected.

I shook my head. "Even so, it's nowhere near as… abusive as what I did. I assaulted you. It's on a whole other level than just some pervy teen thing."

"Bella, you need to calm down," he said, realizing just how worked up I was getting on the topic. "Its not a big deal. I don't feel assaulted, so no harm done."

"If I were a guy, and I did that to a girl…"

"Guys and girls are different," he cut me off. "Call it a double standard, or whatever, but it's true. We're wired differently. Driven by different hormones. I could have loathed you and still not been upset by that."

"Its still wrong," I said quietly.

"Fine. You're right, it's wrong. When we get home, I'll talk to your dad about it, and file a report."

My mouth fell agape.

He laughed. "What? I don't know what kind of consequence you're looking for. You feel bad and you're sorry? Great. Make it up to me by letting me participate next time."

I smiled back at him. I couldn't help it, he was too adorable. "Okay…. I promise to let you participate from here on out."

He smirked at me. "Don't make promises you can't keep."

"I never do," I assured him.

He leaned in for another kiss, but he pulled back quickly before we ended up back in bed. "Come on. Get your bra on, and let's go. I need to pay for another night in this room too."

"Okay." I headed for the bathroom, but I paused at the door and looked back at Edward. "Did you really masturbate to my nasty dirty underwear in here?"

He pressed his lips, and then nodded guiltily. "I'm not proud of my perverted tendencies. I made somewhat of a mess with it too, so that's sort of the real reason why I washed all the clothes," he admitted.

"They were like… really dirty. I wore them the entire trip so far," I said, slightly disturbed.

"Yeah well, they were pretty clean compared to the dirty thoughts that were running through my mind at the time."

I tried to be disgusted, but I ended up just laughing.

"If it makes you feel better, you are the only one I've ever fantasized about like that," he told me. "Every sexual thought I've ever had has been about you."

"Yeah right," I said in disbelief.

"I'm not joking. You are all I've ever wanted. Ever," he said with a level of sincerity that I wasn't expecting at the moment.

I closed the distance between us, and wrapped my arms around his torso as tightly as they could go. "You're all I've ever wanted too," I mumbled into his still damp shirt.

I half expected our departure to be delayed once again, but instead of having sex, we just held each other securely. I really was shocked by how much I loved him. Even just holding him in my arms felt more powerfully intense than anything else I had ever felt for anyone else in my life.

I didn't share in Edward's concerns for the future, because regardless of whatever bumps lied ahead of us, I knew with all my heart that they couldn't tear us apart. I only hoped he could find a way to have as much faith in us as I did. We belonged together, and nothing would ever change that…

…

 *****A/N: Is Bella's certainty real? Or is she just a naïve teenager who wants to believe in forever? Hmmm. Stay tuned and find out. I will say this, there are definitely some major bumps heading their way….**

 **Please leave me a few thoughts on this chapter. Thanks!**


	10. Lying Awake

**Chapter 10 – Lying Awake**

"Is it just me, or does being out of the motel room feel strange?" I asked Edward as we strolled through the local Target.

"The world does seem different now that we're not virgins anymore," he said, jokingly serious.

I huffed. "Shut up. We both know you weren't a virgin before this trip."

He looked at me with mock offense. "Um, in today's society, we can be whatever we want. If I say I was a virgin, then I was."

I nodded. "You were a virgin… before Gianna."

He shook his head in denial.

"Edward," I argued. "You already told me you had sex with Gianna when you guys dated. And I know you hooked up with a few other girls after her."

"But… I could never get the job done without thinking about you, so… in a way, I've only ever had sex with you."

"Oh, okay," I said while shaking my head.

"It's the truth. I couldn't even tell you what those girls looked like. All I remember is you… of course, those other yous didn't come close to the actual you. You are so much sexier in life than you ever were in my imagination, and that's saying a lot. You look better, and feel better, and smell better, and taste better…"

"Okay, okay, let's stop talking about your past with other girls please."

"Not other girls, just other yous," he corrected me.

"Edward, stop!" I demanded.

So he smiled at me, and wrapped me in his arms, and kissed me on the neck. "I'm turning it into a joke, but it's still true," he told me tenderly. "It's always been you. I have loved you for as long as I can remember, so for me, no one else exist, and nothing else matters. It's just you. You are the first person, and the last person, and the only person I have ever loved."

I smiled, and kissed him softly on the lips. "I love you too."

We kept our arms wrapped around each other as we grabbed a few more items from the store shelves, and then we paid for everything, and headed back to the motel.

As dirty and grimy as our little rented room was, I would have happily stayed there indefinitely with Edward. For the brief amount of time we were there for, it had become our home, in a way, and we were living there like newlyweds.

"I wish we could stay here forever," I murmured as we rested in bed together the next morning. We were contemplating packing up to get back on the road, but we were having a hard time forcing our bodies to actually get moving in order to do so.

Edward laughed once. "I'm going to find us a much better place to spend our forever in than this dirty motel room."

I smiled, and then kissed his bare chest. "We are really going to stay together, right? Somehow, we're going to find a way. Even if our parents disapprove and make it really hard on us, we won't let them separate us."

"You know, I was thinking about that last night… I don't know how much trouble they'll give us for being together. I mean, my parents love you, and your dad… tolerates me."

"My dad loves you too," I interrupted him.

"I don't know," he said under his breath.

"What is it?" I pressed. He obviously had something else on his mind about the topic.

He sighed. "Its just, Charlie has always looked at me weird."

"Weird?" I questioned.

"Yeah. I don't know what it is, but…. He used to take me and Emmett fishing at that lake by our house, and he just… He would talk to Emmett, and it was very much like a… uncle/nephew type of relationship, I guess. You know, joke around with him and try to give him advice about things, but with me… it ways felt forced. Like he was constantly trying to come up with different things to talk to me about…. Like he was concerned he'd say the wrong thing or something… Then again, my dad was pretty much the same way with me, so I don't know why I'm surprised."

"My dad is just weird with a lot of people, I wouldn't take anything he does personally. But I have never seen your dad act like that towards you," I disagreed with him. "I've always thought of him as worshiping you. I mean, I can't remember a time when you actually got in trouble over anything. He would just blame Emmett for stuff you did every time."

"That's because he'd rather not have to take the time to… discipline me, or whatever. He never really cared if I acted like an idiot, and he always expected more from Emmett. I don't know, sometimes I think he's just… waiting for me to turn eighteen so he can be done with me. Especially after finding out I'm adopted; it's like, it all finally makes sense. I bet he's regretted the adoption ever since it was finalized.. He was probably happy when he came home from work the other day and found out I had left. I'm sure if you weren't with me, he would have probably just been relieved to finally have me gone."

"I don't think that at all," I whispered. "I can see how much he loves you every time he looks at you."

Edward snorted. "That's funny. I can't even tell you what color that man's eyes are. I don't think he's ever looked me in the eye before."

"His eyes are blue," I mumbled. I didn't really believe what Edward was telling me, or at least, I didn't want to believe it. I had only ever known Carlisle to be a loving and compassionate man, but I suppose now that Edward pointed it out, he did seem to be a little standoffish towards him at times. I always just figured it was because Edward was going through that sullen teen phase, but perhaps I was wrong all along.

"Edward… what are you hoping to find in Florida?" I asked after a few heavy moments of silence.

He began grazing my back lightly with the tips of his fingers as he considered my question.

"I don't really know," he said honestly.

"Even if you feel like there's some disconnect between you and your dad, the Cullens are still your family. They will always be your family, so… what are you hoping to find in Florida?" I asked again. "Regardless of Carlisle, I know for a fact that both Alice and Emmett love you like crazy. And your mom is probably besides herself with worry about you at the moment."

Edward shook his head in denial. "Emmett has always hated me, Alice isn't really capable of loving anyone, and my mom's only concern is playing the perfect mom in front of her friends. It's all fake. All of it. I'm fairly certain you're the only one who ever really cared about me around there."

"Nothing you just said is true," I argued gently. "Emmett adores you; it just upsets him when you're being a jerk, which even you can admit has been quite often lately. And I don't know why you think Alice cant love. She's always watching you and worrying about you. She's certainly not waiting on the porch for me to come home safely from school every day. She's probably one of the most loving people I know…. And your mom loves you too. I know she does. I know they all do."

"I don't believe it. I'm nothing but a burden to them… but it doesn't matter anymore."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked confused and concerned. "Edward, what are you hoping to find in Florida? Is this whole trip just a way for you to locate your real family so you can see if they love you more than the Cullens do?" I asked, realizing he may very well be trying to ultimately leave the family for good.

"No… I don't know… Maybe. I guess… I guess I'm just hoping to find answers to questions I never even knew I had before. Why do I feel so… confused and out of step with everyone else? Why the hell do I keep ending up in closets? Why can't I connect with anyone…"

"You connect with me," I pointed out.

"You're different," he argued.

"Not really. You just let me in… We've just spent the past three years barely speaking to each other, and now we're closer than ever. You just need to let the rest of your family in the way you've let me back in."

"But why should I even try at this point? None of them seem to really care either way. I just seriously don't know why my parents even adopted a kid when they already had two of their own – one of which is special needs."

"You don't need to go all the way to Florida to learn why your parents adopted you. You should have just waited for your dad to come home so you could ask him. I'm sure he'd tell you all about it if you just asked."

Edward shook his head. "No. He'd just spin everything like he always does. I need straight answers."

"No, you're going to Florida because you want a new family," I challenged him.

"They wouldn't be a new family for me, they'd be the family I was born into."

"And they put you up for adoption for a reason. What if they don't want to be found, or you find them and they're horrible people?"

"Then I go back home."

"Then you go back home?" I asked incredulously. "So if they're great and welcome you with open arms, you're planning to not go back home at all?"

"If they're great and welcoming, then I'll already be home there with them."

"And that's what you're really hoping for?" I asked with tears spilling over my cheeks.

"Hey, why are you so upset?" he asked me softly.

"Because you don't want to be in our family anymore. I didn't think that's what this trip was about. I thought you just wanted to know the truth. At the most, I thought you would find your birth family and just have more people to love, but… you want to leave the Cullens completely. You hate them that much that you just want to be out of the family? You're talking like you wouldn't even care if you never saw any if them again," I said, getting way more worked up than I intended.

"I didn't mean for it to sound that way… but, I really don't think I belong with the Cullens. I'm just about eighteen anyway, so it's not like I'd be living at home with them much longer."

"But that's where I live, and the Cullens are my family, and you just want to walk away from all that."

"It doesn't have anything to do with you. Whether I'm a Cullen, or something else, I'm still going to love you the same."

"I know it's not about me, but… the Cullens are my family, and it's hurtful knowing you could just walk away from us like that… not me, but us, as in our family. Family isn't just blood, Edward."

"Yeah, I get that, but like I said, they don't give a shit about me. It would be different if they did, but they don't, so what the hell would I want to stay in a family like that for? They're not my blood, and they don't care."

"They do care," I tried convincing him, but he just didn't want to hear it.

"You're the only one who cares, and it's not like you're my sister," he said while gesturing to they way I was lying across his chest. "Look, its not like I'm planning on never seeing them again…"

"You just won't consider them family anymore," I concluded for him.

"I don't know," he said, getting frustrated. "I haven't even thought this whole thing out. I just… I want to know where I came from, and everything else can fall into place however it does. The only thing I know for sure is that I love you, and I want to be with you, and everyone else is just… secondary."

"Okay," I conceded. "I guess you're right. There s no point in speculating. You're not going to know how you feel about everything until you have all the facts… But, for the record, I'm still sure your family loves you… even if you choose not to believe it at the moment."

Edward didn't respond to my last comment, he just took in a heavy breath, and then he was quiet with whatever thoughts were running through his head. He would rub my back tenderly every once in a while, but we didn't speak again that night.

…

When morning found us for a second time in that grungy motel room, I was thankful to wake up still in Edward's arms.

"Good morning," I murmured when I peeked up at him and saw that he was already awake."

"Morning," he whispered, before arching his neck down so he could kiss me.

"How long have you been awake for?" I asked with a yawn.

"A couple hours."

"A couple hours?" I said surprised. "Why didn't you wake me up?" I looked at the clock on the nightstand, and saw it was only six thirty. "Why were you awake so early?"

"I don't know. I've just had a lot on my mind," he mumbled.

"You didn't sleep at all, did you?" I guessed.

He sighed. "I didn't mean to be awake all night, but I just couldn't turn off my brain."

"You could have turned on the t.v. for a while to try to get your mind off of things."

"Nah… I didn't want to wake you. Besides, it's all stuff I think I need to be thinking about. Bella, I … I don't need this to be okay. I want you to know that. "

"You don't need what?" I asked unsure.

"I don't need to find out the truth," he clarified. "If you want to go home, I'll take you right now, and… I'll just give all this up."

I wrinkled my brows. "I don't understand. You were so insistent on it last night."

"I know, but I've thought about this all night, and I realize that I don't need it like I thought I did. I mean, I'd like to know where I came from, but I don't need it. I don't want you to be upset or uncomfortable about anything, or to create any kind of wedge between you and the rest of our family."

"Edward, don't… Don't be concerned about me on this matter. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said all that stuff to you last night. You were right; you finding your birth family has nothing to do with me."

"Maybe it does," he countered unexpectedly. "When I decided to take off on this trip, I set out in the hopes of finding something. Some kind of place where I really belonged. People who would actually want to be around me…."

"But?" I pressed when he paused.

"But… now I have you, and I think you are all I'll ever really need."

I huffed. "I'm not going to let you go home because of me. We are going to make it to Florida, and we will figure everything else out from there," I said confidently.

"But…"

"No more buts," I insisted. "You may think you're fine not knowing the truth right now, but someday you may grow to resent me for being the reason you abandoned your search."

"I could never resent you over anything," he denied.

"Even so. We've already come so far. Let's just finish this. Come on, get up. We need to get back on the road."

We decided it was best to make good use out of the facilities while we could, so we showered one more time before we left, except this time, we showered together.

We giggled and laughed our way through washing each other, and then we wanted to try having sex in the water. I had seen it done in movies, and thought it looked so romantic, but our experience was a bit different.

"Shit, are you okay?" Edward asked me as I hit my ass on the tub floor. He had tried to hold me up against the wall, but I slipped. I couldn't even keep my legs locked around him efficiently.

I laughed. "How do people do this?"

He laughed with me as he helped me up. "I don't know, but I'm not picking you up again. I can't get a good enough grip on you. Everything is too slippery."

Just when we decided it was probably safer to have sex when we got out of the shower, we started making out, and it became too hard to wait.

"Turn around," he said, with his voice husky with desire.

I did as I was asked, and he resumed kissing me. My neck, my shoulders, my back – It all felt so good, but when he ran his hand along my hip and towards my inner thigh, I nearly lost it. He began caressing and massaging me in the perfect spot, and it only continued as he pushed himself into me from behind.

Having the hot water beat down on us only added to the incredible feeling of it. There wasn't a single inch of me that wasn't being caressed or stimulated in some way. It was almost overwhelming. But just when I thought I couldn't take any more, my entire body tensed in an explosive peak that spread all the way down my spin and curled my toes, which left me buzzing.

"Wow," I said after a minute of heavy breathing.

"Yeah," Edward agreed. "That was definitely better than masturbating into your underwear."

I wanted to laugh and then maybe smack him playfully, but my body suddenly felt heavy and I lacked the proper energy to do so.

"Maybe we should stay here another day," Edward suggested.

I would have stayed there forever with him, but we both knew it was really time to go. So we reluctantly dried off, got dressed, and grabbed whatever else we had in the room, before getting back on the road.

Now, more than ever, I was terrified of what was waiting for us in Florida. Would Edward really choose to leave the only family he had ever known? The Cullens may not have been a perfect family, but it was devastating to think he couldn't even feel the love I knew had always been there. I only hoped that one day he was able to embrace the truth about his past, and still love the people who raised him. Either way, we had to get to Florida. He deserved the truth, and the ability to choose for himself the life and family he wanted to be a part of...


	11. Missing

**Chapter 11 – Missing**

Since Edward didn't sleep the night before, he was exhausted by lunch time, so I offered to drive for a few hours.

"You know, she's temperamental and only likes me," Edward told me when I insisted on him pulling over.

"It's a car, Edward. It doesn't care who drives it because it can't care about anything at all," I argued. "Come on, get out and trade me seats."

"Okay," he said reluctantly. "Just go easy on her when shifting gears. She's not like you, she doesn't like it rough."

I rolled my eyes at him, and then took his seat and headed back to the freeway.

It wasn't long before Edward was sleeping, so I spent the next couple hours alone with my thoughts - I wondered how upset our parents were with our absence, and a part of me really wanted to pull over and call home from a pay phone, just so they knew we were okay. But mostly, I raked my memories, and tried to see Edward's family the way he did. Could they really feel indifferent towards him the way he believed? As hard as I tried, I just couldn't see it. I knew they would all be devastated if Edward told them he didn't want to be a part of their family anymore. I didn't have a doubt.

Edward woke back up a little while later, and then we stopped for gas and more snacks. He was ready to drive again after that, but he wasn't quite ready to get back on with the trip to Florida just yet.

"What little excursion are we going on now?" I asked with a mix of excitement and concern. We were literally having the time of our lives, but after taking some time to think about our families, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't getting a little homesick. I hated knowing our parents were probably terrified for us. It wasn't right, and it wasn't fair to them.

"You'll see when we get there," he said with a smirk.

I smiled back at him, but it was hard to be super enthusiastic about another stop that was sure to set us back several more hours at least. I considered trying to broach the subject of calling home, but I didn't want to upset him knowing he currently felt so negative about his parents. So I decided to just sit back, and try to enjoy whatever little mini adventure he had in mind.

After driving for about eight minutes down a side street, we came across a carnival, and Edward looked at me like a kid on Christmas morning. "Ready for this?"

I laughed. "The question should be, are you ready for this?"

He chuckled. "I don't mind a little barf, as long as it's yours, that is."

Our family had taken us to a carnival a few years back, and after much begging and false promises, I had finally agreed to go on the Tilt-a-Whirl with him. Of course, it was right after I had just downed a corndog and funnel cake, so it shouldn't have been that surprising when I vomited all over the place, including Edward's shirt. He swore he'd never go to another carnival with me again. Never say never, I suppose.

"How about we just stay away from spinning rides," I suggested as we got out of the car, and headed into the field where the rides and booths were all set up.

"Rides in these types of traveling carnivals are deathtraps anyway. I'm here more for the games."

"Games?" I said with a laugh. "Games in these places are all rigged. They are like, almost impossible to win."

Edward raised a brow at me. "Is that a challenge?"

I giggled. "No. Not unless you want to burn away the rest of our money."

"I'm not going to spend more than five bucks on a game, and I'll win you one of those giant stuffed animals."

"I'll believe that when I see it," I told him, trying to keep a straight face.

"Challenge accepted!" he said excitedly.

We browsed the game booths, until he found one he thought he could easily win. It was the baseball one, where he was supposed to knock down all the bottles. It was probably one of the most rigged games there, but he believed he could beat it. He went through his first four dollars trying, and just when I thought I was going to get to gloat about being right, he actually won on his last try.

"Okay, okay, that was good," I admitted as he handed me the giant stuffed lion prize. "But now we're going to have to somehow fit this thing in the car."

"It'll fit. We can even buckle it in the back seat."

I nodded. "True, but since we will probably be sleeping in the car again tonight, I was planning to let you use the back seat to… have your way with me."

Edward raised a brow and smirked at me. "I see your point," he said before taking the giant lion back from me, and then handing it to a random little girl who was walking passed us. Her face lit up, and she smiled and clapped, while her father had an obvious look of annoyance on his face, probably knowing he was the one who would have to carry the giant stuffed animal around for the rest of their visit.

"You just made her day," I told Edward with an adoring grin.

"Well, you made my night by what you said. I was just trying to pay it forward."

I laughed again.

We held hands as we walked around the booths a while longer, and then we braved the shaky craftsmanship of the traveling rides, and went on the Ferris Wheel. The sun was just starting to set, so the sky dulled into an array of colors as we made our way around the wheel. It was such an incredibly beautiful few minutes, and I was so glad I got to experience it with Edward.

"Wow, this almost feels like we're in the middle of one of those cheesy chick flicks," I said as we admired the view.

"The Notebook," Edward and I said simultaneously, which made us both giggle.

"Ha! I knew you loved that movie just as much as I did. You used to watch all those romance movies with me… That is, until Jr. High when you got too cool for them."

"I wouldn't say I necessarily liked romance movies per se. I just watched them with you because I was in love with you, and willing to do just about anything as long as it was with you... and I liked to imagine us in all those various roles," he admitted sincerely.

"Really?" I asked, somehow falling even more in love with him.

"I only wish I didn't freak myself out and bury my feelings for you for so long. I was a stupid coward. I had no idea what I was missing."

"We were just kids," I murmured, not wanting him to keep beating himself up over it.

"Some would argue that we're still just kids," he pointed out gently.

"But we're not. We're not kids, but… not really adults yet…."

"Don't say it," he warned.

"What?" I asked, confused by his sudden change in direction.

"Don't say we're in between," he said sternly, and I couldn't tell if he was actually serious or not.

"Huh?" I asked even more confused.

And then, he did something completely horrifying… he started singing – "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman!"

That was it. That was the moment I almost died from falling out of the Ferris Wheel due to uncontrollable laughter. "Did you just sing Britney Spears?" I choked out with tears streaming down my face.

"All I need is time. A moment that is mine. While I'm in between!" he continued to sing, way too loudly, which prompted the people in the other seats to turn and stare. "I'm not a girl, but not yet a woman!"

"Shhut up!" I hissed at him as I tried to control the belly laugh I was consumed by.

I had to practically use my body weight to hold his arms down, because he was flailing around while getting way too into the song. However, being in that close proximity, while in that setting, only prompted a fiery make-out session.

We were so consumed with each other, that we didn't even realize the ride had stopped, until the carny had to clear his throat and ask us to get out.

"Sorry about that," I mumbled as we disembarked.

"Happens all the time," the carny replied unfazed.

"So, what now?" I asked Edward as we joined hands and began walking around again.

"I don't know. Anything else you want to do?"

I raised my shoulders. "Not really. I mean, we can get some greasy fried food."

"We should definitely do that, but first…" He led me to the food cart area, where there were a ton of picnic benches that surrounded a small dance floor in front of a stage.

"Edward, no! There is no way I'm doing that," I said as he began yanking me towards the crowd of people line dancing to some honky-tonk band.

"Come on. It'll be fun," he insisted. Just when I thought I was going to make a fool of myself by tripping over my two left feet, Edward surprised me by pulling me into him, and holding me close.

"Um… this isn't a slow song," I said, feeling a bit awkward as he gently swayed us back and forth.

"The song I'm hearing is slow," he said with a smile that could melt glass. "Do you hear it?" he whispered. He placed my hand on his chest, and the steady thumping of his heart ran through my wrist and up my arm, and then seemed to echo throughout me.

I smiled at him. "I hear it," I said honestly.

"We don't need to listen to anyone else's music. All we need is right here," he murmured, while placing his hand on my chest as well. We were two hearts, beating as one, and for those few precious moments, no one else existed. Not on that dance floor, not in that carnival, not anywhere else in the entire world. It was just us. Dancing to the sound of our love.

I wasn't sure how long we danced there for, but it definitely put all romance movies I had ever seen to shame.

"I've always wanted to dance with you like this," Edward spoke softly after a while.

"You have?" I asked surprised.

"Remember that charity event my parents hosted at the ranch several years ago? After everyone got their food, and were talking amongst themselves, my dad pulled my mom out to the grass, and they just started dancing. No music, just the two of them… I watched them for their entire dance, and I remember thinking someday… someday I was going to dance with you like that."

"I love you so much, Edward," I said, knowing I had never spoken truer words.

"I love you too. Always have, always will."

He cradled my face in his hands, and then kissed me passionately on the lips. There was so much raw emotion in that kiss, that I wondered how it didn't bring me to my knees. It was happiness and yearning, but there was also so much pain emitting from his lips, and I wanted nothing more than to keep my mouth on his until all that sorrow was gone forever. But then our affection was abruptly cut short…

"What's going on?" I asked concerned as everyone around us broke out in loud chatter. A large number of police officers had flooded the area, which made everyone scared and anxious.

"I don't know," Edward said, more curious then concerned.

"You don't think they're here for us, do you?" I asked worriedly.

"This many cops for two teen runaways? I highly doubt it," he said unfazed.

"Have you met my dad?" I asked sarcastically. "Everything he does is overkill. He has the power to do this, so I wouldn't put it past him."

"I really don't think it has anything to do with us, but maybe we should get going just in case," Edward suggested.

I agreed, so we headed for the parking lot, but we were both taken off guard by the fact that there was a police barricade, which made it impossible for anyone to leave.

"Can someone tell us why we're locked in here?" I asked one of the officers guarding the exit.

"A little boy went missing from here about a half hour ago. We can't let anyone leave until we have thoroughly searched the grounds," the officer replied.

My stomach twisted. The idea of a child being missing was horrifying, and I couldn't help but think of the Cullens again.

"I'm sure his parents are terrified right now," I mumbled to Edward as we sat on one of the picnic tables to wait out the police search.

"The kid probably just wandered off somewhere. I'm sure everything will be fine," Edward said unconcerned.

"I hope that's the case, but…"

"But what?" Edward asked confused. "Where else could a kid be?"

I shrugged. "Bad people are out there. We know that firsthand," I reminded him.

"We're not talking about some shady trucker preying on defenseless women here. Who would take a little kid?" Edward asked clueless.

"Um, a sick wacko kidnapper," I said, wondering why that didn't occur to him.

He shook his head. "That kind of thing only happens in movies."

"Edward… it happened to Alice," I said incredulously. There was no way he didn't know about that; then again, by the shocked look on his face, he definitely seemed to be in the dark on the matter.

"It happened to Alice?" Edward repeated, completely baffled. "How? When?"

"Uh, she was… nine, I think. She was kidnapped from your dad's hospital. She was just walking from his office to the administration desk to give them some paperwork for your dad, or something like that, but she never made it there. It was just down two halls, and she disappeared."

"Why don't I know anything about this?" he asked, slightly bitter.

I shrugged. "I didn't know you didn't know. I thought our entire town knew what happened to her. It was a big deal. My dad was the lead detective on the case… it's how our dads met and became so close."

"Well, she obviously wasn't gone for long…."

"Eight years," I argued.

"Eight years?" Edward nearly spat. "Alice was missing for eight years, and I don't know anything about this?" he shook his head. "I'm not surprised really. Just further proves how little my parents have ever talked to me."

I scrunched my brows. "Edward, why did you think she's the way she is? I mean, you just figured she's quiet and sits in corners alone because she's eccentric or something? You used to complain about her being weird, and yet, you never thought to consider why?"

He shook his head. "Eric Yorkie's little brother does a lot of the same stuff."

"He's autistic."

"Yeah, I figured Alice was too…. So, she's not… developmentally delayed naturally? Like she was… average before she was kidnapped?"

I shrugged. "I wasn't around back then, but… yeah, I think she was fairly normal before that. Being kidnapped for that long, and all the horrific things that goes with it, would be enough to make anyone a little timid and withdrawn."

Edward shook his head. "I didn't know. Now I kind of feel like shit," he mumbled, almost incoherently. He was quiet as he was thinking about something, and then he looked up at me slightly bothered. "If she was nine when she was kidnapped, and she was missing for eight years… that would have made her about seventeen when she was found, right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You said I was about five when the Cullens adopted me?"

I nodded again.

"When I was five, she was… seventeen, so…?"

"So what?" I asked, still not understanding his question.

"So… why would they adopt some kid the same year their long lost daughter came home?"

"Oh… I think it was just one of those coincidences. My dad had told me once that the Cullens were on the waiting list to adopt for a long time, and you just happened to become available a few months before she was found."

"Weird," he said quietly.

"Stuff like that happens. I read online about a couple who were finally able to adopt a baby after waiting a long time, only to find out she was pregnant. She wasn't supposed to ever be able to have a baby, but there they were, parents to two infants."

"Why would they still adopt the other baby if they were having one of their own?" he questioned.

"Because they felt it was meant to be. I know your parents had a hard time conceiving too. That's why there's such a large age gap between Alice and Emmett. She was eight before your mom finally got pregnant again. I know they had wanted a lot of kids."

"How do you know that?"

"Your mom talked to me about it once. It was an emotional topic for her, but she was pretty open."

"Well she has definitely been far more open with you then she ever was with me," he grumbled. "So… how was Alice found? Who had her all that time?"

"I think they said he was a janitor at the hospital, or something. He kept her in his basement…. I guess his wife eventually found her and called the police. As far as I'm aware, Alice never really talked about her time with him much. I'm sure it was…. just horrible. And your parents… not knowing what happened to their child all that time… I can't even imagine how hard that was for them."

"Well, at least they found her eventually," Edward said quietly.

"Edward… we should call home," I told him hesitantly. "Just to let them know we are ok. Your parents have already been through losing a child once, they are probably besides themselves having you missing now."

Edward huffed. "It is nowhere near the same thing."

"How is it not? I mean, I'm sure they know you weren't taken against your will, but they still don't know if you're safe."

"I'm not a kid, and I'm not their kid!" he argued heatedly. "If they're worried at all, it's you they're worried about. Not me."

"You are their kid!" I retorted. "They have raised you most of your life. Whatever wall is between you and them, it is not because they don't care."

"We obviously aren't going to agree on this," he said impassively.

I sighed. "Edward, we need to call them. Just to let them know we are alive and okay. If we use a pay phone, it'll be hard for them to track, and we will be long gone before they can even try… We really should have called them before now. I didn't even consider how hard this would be on your parents. I mean… even more so than it would be for any parents because of what they have already been through with Alice."

"I don't think they care as much as you do, but if it would make you feel better, then we'll go to a convenience store as soon as we get away from here, and you can call your dad."

I nodded in agreement. I couldn't force him to call his parents, and I refused to call them behind his back, but it didn't really matter. I would call my dad, and I was sure he'd tell the Cullens we were safe, and that was all that really mattered.

We were stuck at the carnival for two more hours, and then finally and thankfully, the little boy was found alive and safe. As Edward predicted, he had wandered off to a back area of one of the rides, and somehow gotten stuck. He was sore, a little dehydrated, but otherwise he was going to be okay.

After we made it back to our car, Edward grudgingly drove me to the next gas station we came across, and then I braced myself for the phone call I was sure was going to be dramatic.

I called my home phone, and it rang and rang. At that hour I figured my dad would have been home from work, but with his schedule I could never be too sure.

"It's the answering machine," I whispered to Edward.

"Why didn't you call his cell?" he asked confused.

I put up my finger to quiet him. "Hi dad, it's me… I know you're worried, but I just wanted to let you know, everything is okay, and we will be home in a few days or so. Love you," I said, before hanging up the phone.

"Are you going to call his cell now?" Edward asked me evenly.

I shook my head no. "Its better this way. Whenever he gets home, he'll get the message and know we are fine without being able to grill me or yell at me. That's all I really wanted."

Edward nodded. "Okay. You ready to get back on the road?"

I smiled at him, then reached for his hand. "Ready."

…

 *****A/N: Getting closer to the truth. Piece by piece it's going to start coming together. This is certainly shaping up to be a completely different story than the other version, but I do love the little similarities as well. Thanks for reading. Any kind words or thoughts on this chapter are greatly appreciated!**


	12. Boots

**Chapter 12 – Boots**

Having sex in the back seat of Edward's fancy little Volvo wasn't the easiest thing to do. I felt like we were playing a game of Twister as we tried to find the best position – him on top, me on top, both had their fair share of difficulties to maneuver. We finally found just the right angle, however every time he pushed himself into me, his motion made the entire car sway, which at first made me giggle.

"Someone is going to notice the car moving like this," I said, after my laughing made him pause his thrusting.

"There's not many people around," he replied, unconcerned.

"Wal-Mart always has people going in and out," I argued lightly.

"What a coincidence. I'm going in and out too," he chuckled while continuing his pumping.

"Just go slower so the car doesn't move as much," I suggested. Edward tried to follow my request, but when the sensation began to build, he lost control and began pounding into me again. I wanted to care, really I did, but it felt so good that in the moment, we could have had a crowd of people gawking at us and I wouldn't have even cared.

When we were done, I was able to get my wits back, so I quickly peeked out the window to see if anyone was watching our car. Lucky for us, nobody seemed to be paying attention since we were parked so far back, and it was fairly late at night.

"If we are going to keep finding Wal-Mart parking lots to sleep in, we may have to get more creative with this," Edward said as we both tried to wrestle our pants back on in the very limited space we had.

"Oww," I complained as we bonked heads.

Edward laughed. "Are you okay?"

"I guess our money is running too low for any more motel rooms," I grumbled.

Edward caressed my cheek, and then pulled me in for a kiss. "It won't be much longer. We should be there in a day or two, and we can make it home faster. I won't force anymore unnecessary stops on you."

"You haven't forced anything on me. I've loved every minute of this trip… well, every minute except for the incident with the trucker."

"I love you," he murmured.

"I love you too," I whispered back.

We weren't ready to separate just yet, not even just to sleep in our own seats in the front of the car, so we risked blood clots, and dealt with some major leg cramps and dead arms in order to actually sleep right where we were on the tiny back bench seat. It may have been physically uncomfortable, but I'd rather sleep that way and stay wrapped up in Edward's arms for the rest of my life than to ever sleep away from him.

By morning we both were anxious to get out and stretch.

"Everything hurts," I said as I tried to massage the kink out of my neck.

"Here, let me," Edward said gently, and then he took over the massage, which felt amazing.

"You could definitely have a future as a masseuse if you wanted to," I moaned.

"No, I'm a guy, so I'd be a masseur," he corrected me.

"I didn't know the word was gender specific," I said with another giggle.

"I didn't either, but I had a masseur once, and I made the mistake of calling him a masseuse. He was weirdly offended for some reason. That was the first and last time I let a dude rub me down too. It was super awkward."

I shook my head. "You have got to be the only teen I know who gets regular massages. You've been pretty spoiled for being an unwanted child," I pointed out with a smirk.

"I never said my parents were monsters. They didn't abuse or physically neglect me… In fact, it's always been quite the opposite. They buy me way too much expensive crap in order to overcompensate their indifference towards me."

"You really are thinking way too much into all that. They bought you nice things because they're rich and they can. It has nothing to do with whether or not they love you."

"They made Emmett come up with half the deposit for his jeep, and then made him pay it off himself. They bought my Volvo outright, and didn't ask me to pay anything," he said evenly.

"I'd say you're lucky. Maybe Emmett is the one they don't like," I joked.

Edward shook his head as if my comment was serious. "My dad constantly tells Emmett how proud he is of him. He's never once uttered those words to me. Not once."

"I'm sorry," I sighed, not know what else to say on the matter.

"There's no need for you to be sorry. Just don't… don't ever let any of them say anything to change your opinion on me. As long as I have you on my side, I know nothing else will ever really matter."

"I'll always be on your side, and nothing or nobody could ever change that," I told him with conviction.

He nodded, and then took my hand to lead me towards the store. After using the facilities, we got back on the road again. The hours rolled on, but somehow they seemed to fly by so much quicker than I could have ever expected. We listened to music, and we both spent time quietly lost in our own thoughts, but mostly, we talked. We talked about everything and nothing, the past and the future. But what we were really doing, was spending that time learning all there was to know about each other and ourselves.

We weren't just friends, or just lovers, we wanted to share our lives together, which was funny to me, in a way. It was less than a week prior that I was planning my future with a different guy, and I couldn't have felt more vastly different about the two opposing prospects. There had been absolutely nothing about the life I was envisioning with Mike that excited me. Edward, on the other hand, made me eager for every aspect of it, and I was so incredibly grateful I made the rash decision to jump in his car that day.

"We could always go away to college together. Get our own apartment," I daydreamed out loud.

"It would be nice to get away from everyone for a while," he agreed.

"But then move back closer to home before we have kids," I added, which only made him lock his jaw, and then grumble something unintelligible under his breath.

I was about to reiterate to him again how important our family was to me, but suddenly the car shook, and there was a loud noise coming from below our feet.

"What's happening?" I asked in a panic.

"I think the tire blew," Edward said as he calmly pulled over. He got out of the car, and I could see him bend over to look under the bumper, and then he exploded. "Damn it!" he shouted while kicking the front wheel in a fit of anger.

I unbuckled my seatbelt, and got out to survey it as well. Sure enough, the front driver's side tire was slashed. "We must have run over a pretty sharp rock, or something," I figured. "I know how to change it. My dad made sure I could do it myself before he let me drive alone," I said, trying to calm him down.

He huffed. "I know how to change a tire too; problem is I don't have a spare."

I raised my brows at him. "Why not?"

He shrugged. "Took up too much room. I didn't plan on ever being so far from home without use of my credit card, so I figured it wasn't really important. I guess I can call Triple A."

"Yeah, except for the fact we don't have a phone," I reminded him.

"Fuck!" he shouted in frustration. He looked out to the road in both directions, but there were no other cars in sight. "This is ridiculous. We were just stuck in traffic an hour ago, and now there's no one?"

"We passed by that truck stop a little ways back," I suggested. "We could walk."

He considered it. "Lets just wait a little bit to see if anyone drives by. If not, we may have to walk. Shit, I'm sorry about this, Bella."

"Its not your fault," I told him.

"Yeah, it kind of is. I should have never taken the spare out."

We waited by his car for almost three hours. Other cars had passed in that time, but none would stop for us. Finally, a youngish looking couple pulled over to offer us help.

"I'd give you our spare, but I don't think it'll fit on that fancy car," the man said as he looked at our tire.

"I wouldn't take your spare anyway," Edward told them. "You may need it on this road."

The man nodded. "A lot of sharp rocks around here."

I was listening to Edward's exchange with the man, but it was a little difficult seeing how the woman was standing awkwardly close to me, and she kept smiling and giggling in an almost flirtatious way every time I'd glance in her direction.

"Well, I'd offer you to a lift to the next pay phone, but our truck is only a two-seater," the man said apologetically.

"Oh, babe, we can't leave them here alone," the woman protested. "Why don't you two boys run along and call for help, and us ladies can stay here and wait."

I shot Edward a panicked look, so he narrowed his eyes at the woman. "That's very generous of you, but we aren't willing to separate. Do either of you have a phone, by any chance?"

"Sorry, we've never been able to commit to one of those contract thingies," the man replied. "Look, we actually don't live too far from here. Why don't you two just hop in back of the truck, and we will take you to our place until your car is fixed. With how slow the mechanics are around here, it may be over night. There's only one motel in town, and it's doesn't usually have any vacancy since a lot of people live in those rooms. You can just stay with us. I'm sure we can figure out some fun games to do while we pass the time."

Something was clearly off with the couple. They were far too eager for us to get into their truck, so all my red flags and inner alarm bells began going off. There was no way in hell they'd get me to go anywhere with them. I knew Edward must have felt the same way, but when I turned to look at him, I was shocked by the odd, almost frozen expression on his face as he stared blankly at the ground.

"Edward," I said sharply. When he still didn't look up at me, I grabbed his arm and held onto him with an iron grip. Finally he blinked at looked at me somewhat confused. "Hey, they want to take us to their house overnight," I told him, emphasizing my facial expression just so he'd know how very bad of an idea that was.

He turned to the couple. "Um, thanks, but no thanks. We appreciate the offer, but it would be pretty dumb of us to go to a stranger's house like that… No offense, or anything."

The man nodded. "Yeah, I hear you. But I'm going to shoot straight with y'all. We were just heading into the next town over to the local bar there. We usually have a few drinks then pick up on couples, like yourselves, that are just passing through."

I tightened my grip on Edward's arm. "Pick up on couples?" I mumbled confused and concerned.

"We're swingers," the woman clarified with a huge grin.

"Oh," I said as sudden understanding hit me.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, we didn't mean to worry you two. We would never hurt anyone, so I don't want you to think we were trying to kidnap you, or force you, or anything. I suppose picking you up on the side of the road is no different than a bar," the man laughed.

"Yeah, we saw you two stopped here, and we just thought you were both super hot," the woman agreed.

"Uh… that's… nice, but we aren't into that sort of thing," Edward answered.

"No?" the man asked. "Ever try it? I mean, we don't just swing partners, we do group sex too. It can be… amazing. Charlotte here never swung before we got together either. I begged and begged, and so she gave in once, and she was hooked."

"Never knew I liked girls before that either," she added with a wink to me.

"Ever see your woman with another woman?" the man asked Edward. "So hot. We can watch them, or participate, or even have a little fun of our own."

"I'm sorry, we're just not interested," Edward told him, trying to conceal just how disturbed he was by the offer.

"Well, okay then. Hell, look, y'all don't have to have sex with us in order for us to help. You can just come use our phone. We cant just leave you here on the side of the road."

"Thanks, but I'm sure we will be okay," Edward said evenly.

As uncomfortable as that little meeting was, I wasn't scared of them once they told us their intentions. I actually felt they were sincere and didn't pose a real threat. But because I wasn't afraid of them, having a police officer pull up behind our car didn't bring me relief the way it maybe should have.

"What's going on out here?" the officer asked.

"Flat tire," Edward said simply, trying to maintain his composure. We both knew a police officer could end our trip in an instant, and I could tell he was just as nervous as I was.

"Don't you have a spare?" the officer asked impassively.

"No, sir," Edward replied.

The officer looked at the other couple who were still standing there. "Why are you two stopped here?"

"Just being good samaritans," the man responded. "We will be on our way now."

The officer watched the couple take off in their truck, and then he turned back to us. "Don't young folks like you usually carry smartphones?" he asked me.

I shrugged. "His broke, and I must have misplaced mine."

"Alright, why don't you show me some ID, and I can call someone for you," the officer said in a tone that conveyed more of a demand than a request.

Edward sighed, and then went back to the car to get his wallet. "I have Triple A. If you could just call the number on this card for me, that would sure help us out," he said while handing the officer his insurance card.

"Driver's license please. And I'll need to see her's too," he insisted while pointing at me.

Edward pulled out his license, and I went to grab mine. We both handed the cards to the officer, and stood there anxiously while he went back to his patrol car and radioed in our information.

I figured Edward would be freaking out, or just angry from the situation, but once again I watched him confused as he just stared blankly at the ground in front of him.

"Hey. You okay?" I asked him quietly.

He looked at me confused for a moment, and then he rubbed his face roughly with his hand. "Yeah, sorry."

I wanted to question him about what was going on in that beautiful mind of his, but that was when the officer walked back over to us with our cards in his hand.

"Here you go, Miss Swan," he said to me, and then he handed Edward back his license and insurance card. "Mister Cullen, Triple A is on their way to bring you a new tire. And happy birthday, by the way."

Edward looked at him surprised. "Uh, thanks," he said awkwardly.

"Do you need me to wait here with you kids until the truck comes, or will you be okay?" he then asked us.

"We'll be fine," Edward assured him.

"Totally good," I added.

"Alrighty then. It should be about twenty five minutes or so. Have a good day." The officer tipped his hat to us, and then walked back to his cruiser and drove away.

"Its your birthday! I can't believe I didn't even realize what day it is," I said incredulously.

"Never mind that. Why the hell did the officer just let us go? Your dad must have some kind of missing person's report out on you by now."

"I don't know. I mean, I would think so, but…" I let my words trail off because I seriously had no idea why we're weren't currently being hauled off in the back of the police car at that point. "I guess we should just be grateful."

"I guess," Edward agreed while shaking the shock and confusion out of his head.

We got back into the car to wait for the Triple A guy, but I couldn't move passed the fact that I almost missed his birthday. The big one-eight, none the less.

"So, how should we celebrate?" I asked while leaning over the center console to be closer to him. I began kissing his neck, but it became clear rather quickly that he wasn't into it. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Something," I argued. "Are you worried the officer is going to still call our parents?"

"No," he said quietly.

"What is it then?"

"I don't know. That guy's boots…"

"The guy's boots?" I asked confused when Edward paused.

"I don't know, they just… they just looked familiar."

"His boots looked familiar?" I asked as my confusion doubled.

He scratched his head. "Maybe…" He hesitated again.

"What is it?" I pressed gently.

He was quiet for a moment, and then he seemed to close himself off. "Nothing. Never mind. It's stupid."

"Edward, whatever you're feeling, or if you're concerned about anything, please try to tell me about it. We need to keep talking to each other, otherwise we're going to wake up one day and realize we lost each other again."

He closed his eyes in defeat. "I know, I'm just not used to telling anyone anything, and I don't really even know how. I'm trying to work on it."

"Okay," I whispered, knowing I couldn't really ask for anything more of him.

We had spent years closed off from each other, so I didn't expect everything to be perfect between us so soon. We couldn't just start having sex and automatically call ourselves a couple. We needed to work on it, and let our friendship grow and evolve into a real lasting romantic relationship. I didn't have a doubt we'd get there, but it would take time.

He sighed, and then unexpectedly started talking about it again – "Maybe having you find me in the closet isn't my earliest memory after all… I've had this same dream for as long as I can remember, but… maybe it's not a dream, maybe it actually happened."

"What happens in the dream?" I asked gently.

"Everything is dark, but… but there's light coming from… slats maybe," he said perplexed, trying to make sense of some kind of image he was seeing in his mind. "I can hear a low deep voice, but I can't make out any of the words, and then… boots. I saw boots between the slats. Boots that looked a lot like that guy's did."

"They just looked like common work boots to me," I told him softly. I was beyond surprised he had said anything about it at all. I had really thought the conversation was over, but I was so grateful it wasn't.

"I know, I just… whoever is in that memory, or whatever it was, had brown boots just like those."

"That's all you remember? Is there anything else at all?" I asked him carefully.

He pressed his lips. "No. That's it. Just darkness, slivers of light, and boots. I've had that same image in my mind for so long. Every time I'd close my eyes, I'd see it. I hadn't thought about it again until that guy's boots reminded me. That's really weird, right?"

"I don't know," I said honestly. I really didn't know what to think about it at all.

"Bella… I always try to pretend nothing gets to me… but that memory, or whatever it is… it scares me, and I never understood why," he admitted. "Just thinking about it freaks me out."

My heart twisted from his words, and I responded the only way I could, by crawling in his lap and wrapping my arms around him securely.

I knew just how hard it was for him to be vulnerable and admit something like that, and I felt truly honored that he trusted me enough to share it. It just further strengthened our growing relationship. However, at the same time, it was heartbreaking. Whatever happened to him must have been traumatic, which would explain why he'd block it out.

I wanted to hold him until that pain was gone forever, but unfortunately I knew that wasn't possible. He needed to work it out for himself; I would just have to make sure I was always there to support him.

I couldn't make it go away forever, but I could certainly make him feel better in the moment….

I kept my arms locked around his neck, and then I kissed him tenderly on the forehead. I followed that kiss with more kisses that I slowly peppered all over his face. I must have kissed every inch of his perfect features, but then he captured my lips with his, and that's where my kisses stayed as I unconsciously began grinding my pelvis onto his.

Edward's hands caressed up either side of my hips, and then they moved to my front and unbuttoned my pants. "Take these off," he mumbled against my mouth.

I smiled and then wrestled my pants off, as he moved the seat back as far as it would go so the steering wheel wouldn't get in the way. When I finally managed to get myself naked from the waist down, I climbed right back into his lap, where he already unfastened his own pants and shimmied them down far enough to expose himself.

I didn't hesitate; I was already ready for him, and he was more than ready for me, so I positioned myself over him and sunk down slowly to savor the feeling. As good as it felt to have him inside of me, I didn't move much. We were so consumed with kissing that we didn't even need the motion. Every few beats or so, I'd roll my hips, and he'd let out a low moan from deep inside his chest, but mostly it was about being connected in that moment, far more than the actual sex.

When I had to break free from his lips just to catch my breath, he moved his kisses to my neck, and then he used his hands on my bottom to urge me to finally pick up the pace with my movements. It didn't take long before we were both quivering, and then we resumed kissing for a few more minutes before he reluctantly started to pull back.

"The Triple A guy will be here any minute," he grumbled softly, clearly not wanting to separate from me, but knowing we had to.

"I guess it's a good thing he's taken a while to get here," I said against the skin on his neck. I had to search deep within myself to find the will to get off of him, but somehow I found it and forced myself up. I rolled back onto my seat, and wrestled with my pants once again, while Edward just had to pull his back up a little to refasten them.

No sooner we got ourselves straightened out, that the guy arrived. It was actually great timing, and I couldn't help but wonder how we lucked out with that one. We stood on the side of the road, with our arms wrapped around each other, and waited for him to finish the job.

"The company has my dad's credit card on file, so he's just going to run it," Edward explained to me as the guy was just about done.

"I thought tire changes were free with that insurance?" I asked confused.

"They are, but I don't have a tire for him to change, so he needed to bring one. That costs money. Plus, it's an actual tire, instead of one of those crappy thin spares, so we can actual still finish our trip."

"Oh, well that's good then, right? I mean, we wouldn't have had enough money to pay for it."

He nodded. "I'm sure my dad will be flagged from this by his credit card company, but hopefully we will be long gone before then."

"I'm surprised he'd give them his credit card number to keep on file," I mused.

"He wanted to make sure Em and I would always get whatever we needed for our cars," Edward explained.

"Hmmm, sounds heartless," I teased him.

He smirked at me, and then shook his head. "Its just one more way that we wouldn't have to bother him."

There was no point in arguing, so I kept my disagreement to myself.

The tire was replaced quickly enough, and then we were back on our way. Regardless of the minor hiccup, we were making good time that day, and after speaking to a clerk at the last gas station we stopped at, we realized we should arrive at our destination the following day.

We were both anxious, so as a way to calm our nerves, and of course celebrate Edward turning eighteen, we stopped at a real restaurant and had a nice dinner. I even tipped off the wait staff that it was his birthday so they'd sing and bring him an ice cream. He hated it, but it was fun, and we were both glad we took that last bit of time to stop and enjoy the evening.

Whatever happened in Florida, whatever information we would uncover, the only thing that was certain was the fact that it would change Edward's life, I only prayed it was for the better…


	13. Stalling

**Chapter 13 – Stalling**

We reached Florida by the following afternoon, but before we got to the courthouse where Edward's adoption papers were filed, Edward seemed to hesitate.

"We should go to the beach," he suggested. "Imagine warm sand and decent weather for a change. We wouldn't even know what to do at a beach that wasn't freezing cold."

I nodded. "That would be nice. We should probably go to the courthouse first though, in case it closes early."

"But, if it does close early, we could always wait and go tomorrow. We shouldn't pass up this incredible weather."

"It'll probably be incredible weather tomorrow too," I pointed out the obvious.

"You never know. I'd hate to miss this amazing opportunity."

"Edward… is there a reason why you're stalling?" I asked gently.

"Stalling?" he feigned confusion. "No, I'm not stalling, I just think the beach would be a shame to miss."

I bit my bottom lip. "If you changed your mind about getting your records, it's ok. We can just… not get them."

"Of course I want to get them, I'm just… I don't know. I thought I was ready for everything to change, but… maybe I'm not. I guess I'm just worried that… whatever I find out will change who I am. Not that I'm some great person or anything. I'm just being a coward."

"You're not being a coward at all. This is a big deal. You only just found out you're adopted, and you didn't even really give it a chance to sink in before you set off on this trip. To lean about wherever you came from would be hard for anyone, but the fact that up until last week you thought you were with your biological family… It's all a bit much, a bit fast."

He nodded in agreement. "Yeah, but… We're here, and I know I'd regret it if we went home without getting my records, so…" He sighed. "Lets go get those damn records."

I smiled supportively. I was probably almost just as nervous about the information on his records as he was, but I also knew he'd never stop wondering if he didn't go through with getting them, so it was best to just get it over with.

We arrived at the courthouse, and Edward was a visible nervous wreck, so I grabbed a hold of his sweaty palm, and just kept rubbing the back of his hand with my thumb to try to calm him. When we got up to the clerk window, however, his mood abruptly changed…

"No, I think you misunderstood me, I need the original documents," Edward told the woman when she handed him the exact same copy he had already seen in his father's home office. It was covered in blacked out lines, and none of the important information was readable.

"I'm sorry, sir. Florida is a closed adoption state. We don't allow any personal information to be exchanged between adopters and adoptees."

Edward laughed once humorlessly. "We just drove all the way across the country to get here for this information. I'm eighteen. I deserve the right to know where I came from!" he said, letting his anger grow with every word.

"I'm sorry, sir. Biological parents putting their children up for adoption have the right to their privacy, just as the adopted child does. This law was designed to protect both parties. Many people complete their adoptions in this state for that very reason."

Edward turned to look at me, and the expression in his eyes was heartbreaking. It was disappointment, but I could see just how lost he felt as well. Sure he had been nervous about whatever information he may have found, but to not have any information at all was a blow he just wasn't prepared for.

"Sir, may I give you a suggestion?" the clerk asked kindly. "If you are really set on finding your birth family, register in the national database, and also give your DNA to Ancestry dot com. If any one of your blood relatives is searching for you, that's where you'll probably find them."

Edward took in a deep breath, and then let it out slowly and finally nodded. "Thank you," he said evenly, before grabbing my hand and leading me out of the courthouse.

"I can't believe this," he mumbled as we approached his car. "I can't freaking believe this!"

"Its okay," I tried comforting him, but he didn't want to hear it.

"It is certainly not okay!" he snapped at me. "We came all this way. I almost got you kidnapped… twice!"

"No, it was only once. Those swingers weren't planning to take us against our will," I mumbled.

He shook his head in angry disbelief. "This is the stupidest thing I've ever done. All of this was for nothing!"

"It wasn't for nothing," I corrected him strongly. "If nothing else, it brought us back together, and that's important."

He stared at me for a moment, and then he nodded ever so slightly, before wrapping himself around me in a way that almost made him seem small. He needed to be held, not the other way around, and I was so very grateful I got to be the one to hold him.

We eventually made our way to the beach, and basically spent the rest of that day just soaking up the sun, and enjoying our time alone time together before we made the long journey back home.

As much as it clearly bothered him, Edward decided that perhaps he was better off not knowing the truth for the time being, and he asked me not to bring up the adoption again. We both knew his parents would want to discuss it with him when we arrived back home, but until then, he wanted to put it out of his mind. For the next few days of open road, all that mattered to him was further strengthening our developing relationship, which I couldn't really argue with.

We spent two more nights in Wal-Mart parking lots, and had a couple uncomfortable run-ins with questionably sane strangers, but for the most part, our trip home was fairly uneventful.

For the last night of our journey, we decided to find one more shady motel room, just to enjoy what was left of our freedom. I was still seventeen, and we both needed to find a way to make up for our time away from school in order to graduate, so we knew spending time together once we returned was going to get difficult.

"I'm not ready to go back," I mumbled into the skin on Edward's chest as we lounged in the motel bed. We had spent most of the evening making love, and we were trying to quiet our minds enough to sleep, but it was so hard knowing we wouldn't be free to be that close again until after we graduated and found a way to move out on our own. "I'm going to miss not sharing you," I added.

"You won't have to share me," Edward said evenly. "You're the only person who wants to spend any time with me. I'm the one who is going to have to share you."

"Edward," I said with a sigh. I was going to argue with him yet again, but I decided it was pointless. I couldn't convince him of his family's love for him, he just needed to open his eyes and see it for himself.

The next morning we slept in, and then had sex one more time, before getting back into the car and driving the last four hours or so back to the ranch.

When we reached the very last stop sign before home, Edward didn't just come to a halt and look both directions before continuing, instead he kept his foot on the break as he stared blankly ahead.

I reached over and massaged the back of his neck supportively, but I didn't question why he had stopped. It was clear he just wasn't quite ready to face anyone just yet, and since it was a rural road and there was nobody around, he probably could have just stayed there all day if he needed to. I was in no rush to get home either, so I didn't mind sitting with him one bit - I'd sit there all night if that's what he needed.

I wasn't sure how much time passed, but eventually he sighed. "I guess I should get you home," he murmured.

"I'm fine right where I'm at," I assured him. "Take as long as you need."

"Bella... Thank you for coming with me on this trip. I don't think I would have been able to handle any of it without you," he said sincerely.

"I'm so grateful you let me come. I know nothing will ever be the same, but… I honestly think that's a good thing."

He smiled at me. "It is a good thing," he agreed, and then he reached for me gently, and then leaned in for a sweet kiss. I was sure he intended it to stay small and meaningful, but nothing between us ever tended to stay small, so it turned into a deep and passionate kiss that seemed to last forever, and yet it ended far too soon…

"Shit," Edward mumbled when a certain recognizable vehicle pulled up behind us and honked it's horn. "Its your dad."

"I guess the trip is officially over," I grumbled.

We weren't about to have that reunion on the side of the road, and we knew that wasn't my father's intention either, so Edward moved his foot off the break, and we finished the last two minutes of the drive to the ranch.

"My heart is racing," I muttered as we turned onto the long Cullen Ranch driveway, knowing my dad was driving right behind us.

"Just try to be calm. I'm sure I'm the one he's upset at, not you," Edward tried convincing me, but then he let his words trail off as we saw his entire family standing there on the house porch, watching our approach intently.

"My dad must have called them from the car. They look pretty upset," I told him, which in my mind only reaffirmed how much they cared about him. They wouldn't have been angry if they didn't care – at least, that was what I was choosing to believe.

"They need to pretend to care," Edward grumbled under his breath, before steeling his features, and then opening the door.

"Do you have any idea how worried sick your mother was?" Carlisle asked Edward sternly the moment he was out of the car.

Edward stared him down for a moment, and then shook his head subtly, but kept his expression hard. "My mother, huh," he said impassively, before shaking his head again and then walking through his family to get into the house.

I wanted to follow him in, but my dad caught me in his strong embrace. "Bella, thank God you're safe. What were you thinking taking off like that?"

"I didn't want Edward to be alone," I explained vaguely.

Charlie huffed. "I understand that, but that was incredibly reckless. Something could have happened to you out there. The world just isn't a safe place," he lectured.

"Well, we survived, so I guess it's not as horrible as you always made it out to be," I said, channeling a little bit of Edward's bitterness. I didn't mean to give off so much attitude, but I'd be lying if I said getting a taste of freedom didn't make me a tiny bit resentful of how sheltered I had always been. Still, I didn't mean to be rude, so I apologized. "Dad, I'm sorry. I should have called more. I never wanted you to be scared for us."

"Of course we were scared for you," he said incredulously. "Parents never stop being scared for their kids. You'll be forty years old with a family of your own and I'll still be scared for your well being. That's just a given. But…"

"But?" I asked surprised by his sudden change in direction.

"But, Carlisle and I talked about this while you were gone, and I do think we have been… a little too overprotective of all you kids over the years. You deserve the chance to make mistakes and learn things the hard way."

I raised my brows at him. "So…?"

"So, you're grounded for a month… because I'm your father, and I can't just allow this kind of thing to go unpunished, but… I want you to know, I'm proud of you for making it all the way across country, and coming home safely."

"All the way across country? How do you know where we even went?" I asked confused and suddenly suspicious. "We had a flat tire, and the cop that stopped to help us ran our ID, but then he let us go. Did you not file a missing person's report… or did you just not need to?"

Charlie pressed his lips, and then looked towards the house, only to see the porch now empty, and then he looked back at me. "Carlisle doesn't want Edward to know, but he had a tracking device installed in his Volvo when he bought it for him. We've been following you… not literally, but digitally."

"Oh," I said, unsure how I felt about that. "And the cop?"

"I did put the word out to the officers, in whatever area you were traveling in, to be on the lookout for you two, but not to stop you from leaving. Carlisle and I thought it was important for you guys to complete this journey…. Although, I'm not sure it helped Edward at all," he said as we both heard the yelling coming from the house.

It did upset me that we were basically being digitally stalked the entire trip, then again, I couldn't really say I blamed them. At least they didn't catch up to us and drag us home, so I suppose it could have been worse. However, even if I had been livid by the news, I wouldn't have been able to focus on it in that moment, because clearly there was a far less than happy reunion happening between Edward and his parents.

"I better go make sure Edward's okay," I mumbled before heading inside.

I walked into the house, with my dad right behind me, and whatever Edward had been yelling about, he abruptly stopped, and then he stormed up the stairs.

I looked at the very red faced, angry Carlisle questionably.

"Bella, thank you for making sure Edward came home," Carlisle said evenly. "I'm sure he'd still be out there somewhere if it weren't for you," he added before rigidly walking up the stairs towards Edward's room.

"Oh honey," Esme said before hugging me gently. She pulled back and then cradled my face tenderly, before heading up the stairs as well.

"He's a real dick," Emmett said to me. "I don't know how you put up with him for all that time." He wasn't looking for a response, he just grabbed his keys, and said he was off to school.

"Bella, let's go home for a while. I'll take the rest of the day off work, and we can just hang out," Dad said softly.

I didn't want to leave Edward like that, but it didn't really seem like I had a choice. I had to force my legs to move towards the door, but then movement caught my eye, so I turned to see Alice walking towards me.

"Hey," I said to her quietly, but she didn't respond other than just wrapping her arms around me, and crying noiselessly into my shoulder.

She held on to me like her life depended on it, and finally she looked up at me with her eyes swollen with tears, and she whispered – "Thanks for coming back."

For whatever reason, her words were almost painful to hear, and suddenly I had a twisted sick feeling in my gut. I tried to respond to her verbally, but the words were caught in my throat, so I simply smiled and nodded at her.

After a few more moments, she pulled her arms back, and then turned and walked away, so my dad gestured for us to leave.

I didn't know what was said between Edward and his family before we went inside, or why they were all fighting so intensely, but it absolutely killed me to let my dad drive me away knowing Edward was that upset. I had a strong urge to jump out of the car and run back to him, and just hold him until the storm passed, but somehow I knew that storm had only just begun. It wasn't going to end quickly or gently, and I knew it had the power to leave nothing but destruction in its wake….

I was terrified.


	14. Secret

**Chapter 14 – Secret**

Since our parents had been tracking us, and could guesstimate when we would be returning, they also made arrangements at school to make sure we'd be able to catch up with missed assignments.

"There's no way I'm going to get this all done before graduation," I grumbled as I looked over my huge makeup work packet. It was completely overwhelming.

"Well, you better figure out a way to do it all, otherwise you won't be graduating," Charlie retorted.

"I'll help you," Jasper said with a wink, so I smiled at him.

"See? That's why you're my favorite cousin," I told him enthusiastically.

"I'm your only cousin," Jasper pointed out.

"You certainly will not help her!" Charlie told him strongly. "She needs to do all of it on her own."

"But it would be a lot for anyone," Jasper argued.

"Yes, it is, and she's going to figure out a way to get it all done herself," Charlie insisted.

In addition to the makeup work, I had to go back to school and keep up with all regular assignments as well. It was definitely daunting.

"Can't I just finish the school year by correspondence?" I whined when Monday morning had arrived and my dad insisted on me going to school, despite my futile attempts to fake an illness. We had only missed about a week and a half worth of classes, but still, it felt like a lifetime in a way.

"You made choices that have consequences. Part of being an adult is facing those consequences head on," Charlie told me unwavering.

I sighed. "Did Carlisle say whether or not Edward is going back today too?" I asked hopefully. I wasn't looking forward to going back to school, but if Edward was going to be there, I would gladly face whatever social stupidities that went along with that campus just to see him.

We had spent the entire weekend apart, and I didn't even get to speak to him on the phone since he didn't currently have one. I missed him like hell, but I was also suddenly nervous. What would our relationship be like in such a familiar setting, when we had only ever been reluctant acquaintances in the eyes of all our friends?

"As far as I know, he's going to be there," Charlie assured me. "You know, despite the fact you two ran away from home, I am glad that you seem to have repaired your friendship. You used to be so close, it was always a little sad to see you not getting along these past few years. I think Edward could really use a good friend right now."

"Why? What happened?" I asked concerned. I knew Charlie had talked to Carlisle several times since we got home, but he hadn't told me anything thus far, and I was more than a little eager to find out what had been said about Edward's adoption.

"Nothing happened. I just know he's going through a rough time," Charlie said, refusing to elaborate.

"Do you know if they ever got around to talking to him about everything yet?" I asked worriedly.

Charlie shook his head. "The last time I spoke to Carlisle, Edward was still being very withdrawn and refusing to really speak to them."

"He deserves to know the truth about where he came from," I told Charlie.

"He does… but they feel it's something they need Dr. El present for while discussing. He's not available to come to the house until Wednesday."

"Why do they need a therapist just to talk to him?" I asked confused. "He already knows he's adopted, so how much more traumatic could it be? He just wants some answers and it's ridiculous they're making him continue to wait."

"There are things you just don't understand," Charlie mumbled.

"Then explain it to me!" I practically begged.

Charlie shook his head. "Its not my place. They will handle their children they way they see fit, and I will handle mine," he said meaningfully, while motioning for me to get out of the house and head to the car.

It didn't make sense to me, but it was clear I wouldn't change his mind on the subject, so I wasn't going to waste my time trying.

When we got out front, I was surprised when my dad opened my truck door for me. "Uh, I thought it was broken?"

"Had it fixed while you were gone," he informed me.

"Didn't we agree this old thing is a piece of junk and not worth fixing anymore?"

Charlie shrugged. "Fixing it is still cheaper than buying you anything new at this point," he said while shutting my door, and then waving me off.

"Great," I grumbled as my hunk of metal roared to life, and then I was grudgingly on my way to school.

I never particularly hated school before; in fact, I had rather enjoyed the social aspects of it all, but everything felt different. I just wasn't the same person I was when I was there last; too much had happened, however it seemed Edward was somehow able to pick up right where he left off…

"Hey," I said as I approached him during lunch break, where he was sitting with his friends.

He looked up at me, and an array of emotions passed through his eyes, but he quickly buried them. "Oh hey. Wasn't sure if you'd be here today or not," he said casually.

"I was hoping you'd find a way to call me over the weekend," I said, trying to dismiss the way he seemed to avoid making further eye contact with me.

"Yeah, well we don't have a house phone and I haven't gotten a new cell yet. So…" he shrugged indifferently.

"So?" I asked incredulously. "I guess it's not big deal that we haven't seen or talked to each other in almost three days, huh."

"I didn't realize three days was a long time," he said evenly.

"With everything we went through together, three days sure seemed like a long time to me."

When he didn't respond other than staring blankly off into the distance, as if he was utterly bored with my presence, I felt like I had been stabbed in the gut. I just couldn't believe it. Everything we had been through, everything we had done together, how far we had come, he was pretending like none of it happened.

The tip of my nose started tingling, and my eyes began to swell, but somehow I held it in. His behavior was crushing, but I couldn't cry; not right then, and certainly not right there. Rather than allow him to see me break down like I was doing internally, I retreated from his presence and tried to find some small corner of the school to be alone in order to gather my emotions.

Unfortunately, it seemed that wasn't really possible…

"Hey, you're back," a voice said gently from behind me.

I knew that voice all too well, so I squeezed my eyes shut tightly in the hopes he'd somehow disappear.

It didn't work.

"Can you please just turn around so I can talk to you?" Mike asked frustrated.

"There's nothing to talk about," I said bitterly. "We broke up… again. Just leave it alone."

"No, what happened last week wasn't a break up. I mean, I know I overreacted, but we both know that's nothing new. I'm sorry."

I finally turned to face him. "It doesn't matter. We can't get back together," I said emotionlessly.

"Of course we can. We always do…. Look, I understand why you left with Cullen. I went by your place while you were gone, and I talked to your dad, and he explained how close you two used to be, and I get it. I finally understand why he's so important to you. He's like your brother… more than that even, you guys are like twins. I mean, that's the way you were raised."

I nodded. "Yeah… I guess we were sort of like that at one time… but then somehow we morphed into the _Game of Thrones_ type of twins, so I just wouldn't feel right about dating you again."

" _Game of Thrones_ type of twins? What the hell does that mean?" Mike asked confused, but then realization slowly crept across his features. "Wait…?"

"Seriously Bella?" a voice abruptly erupted from behind me. I turned around to see Edward standing there looking absolutely livid. "The first thing you do is run back to him? What the fuck?"

"I didn't run to anyone!" I snapped at him heatedly. "Not that you really care either way. Funny that you complained about your parent's lack of emotions towards you so much, and then you turn around and do the same thing to me. Maybe you're not as different from them as you thought."

"Hold on a minute!" Mike interrupted. "What the hell did you mean when you said you two were like the _Game of Thrones_ twins?" he asked strongly, refusing to believe what I knew he knew.

Edward paused whatever argument he was going to make against me, to raise an eyebrow in my direction.

"You watched that show religiously. I think you can figure out what I meant by that," I told Mike, before grabbing Edward's hand, and pulling him away.

I led Edward to a different location, that still wasn't private but was away from Mike, and then I pushed him hard against the lockers there.

"Uh, I know you like it rough and all, but ow," he complained while feigning pain by rubbing the back of his head.

"Oh, shut up. We both know I didn't hurt you," I replied bitterly.

"I think you underestimate your strength," he disagreed.

"Stop joking around. I'm not in the mood for your little quips after how you just treated me."

He sighed, and then hesitantly reached for me, but I pushed his hand away.

"Bella, I'm sorry," he said, seemingly sincere. "I didn't mean to be rude to you, and I would have called you if I could. I don't even know your phone number by heart. I've always just had it programmed in my phone."

I shook my head at him in disbelief.

"Its true," he added. "What did you want me to do anyway? Ask one of my parents to borrow their phone so I could call you? We're not exactly on great speaking terms right now. Believe it or not, I actually did ask Emmett to borrow his phone, but he promptly told me to go to hell. I would have just driven to your house, but my parents took away my car keys and basically put me on house arrest. I couldn't contact you. I'm sorry. I only came to school today at all so I could see you."

I snorted. "Yeah, you sure looked glad to see me back there. I didn't realize you were embarrassed of me in front of your friends. I guess I'm not cool enough for them."

Edward laughed once humorlessly. "You do realize each and every one of those idiots have tried to get me to hook them up with you, right? Trust me, you are ten times cooler than any of them… not that I give two shits about any of that."

"Then why did you act that way towards me?" I asked, even more confused but weirdly feeling slightly better at the same time.

"I haven't seen you in almost three days," he murmured while slowly closing the distance between us, and then ever so carefully, putting his arms around me. I had a slight urge to push him away again, and I think he knew it. Luckily for both of us, I fought that urge and allowed him to snuggle closer to me.

"You acted like you didn't care," I mumbled into his neck, as I lost the battle within myself to keep my hands down. In my defeat, my rogue fingers found their way into the back of his hair, and I couldn't help but inhale his scent deep into my lungs.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "Making you feel like I don't care is the worst thing I could ever do, and it wasn't my intention."

"Then why?" I asked, desperately clinging to any form of wits I possibly could. His presence was so intoxicating that staying focused at all was nearly impossible, but I had to try.

"Don't you get it?" he asked so softly I almost couldn't hear him. "I love you more than anything. Do you know how hard it is for me to be around you without needing to hold you like this? Without needing to kiss you?"

His breath washed over me in warm waves of deliciousness, and I nearly forgot what he was even talking about.

I moved my lips within inches of his. "I never said you couldn't kiss me," I told him, no louder than a breath.

He smiled, and then shocked the hell out of me by kissing my forehead quickly, and then pulling back and taking two steps away from me.

"I can't kiss you here."

"What? Why?" I asked, so entirely baffled.

"Oh come on, we both know we have a hard time stopping at just a kiss. But more importantly, this is too small of a town, and an even smaller school, and everyone talks."

"So?" I asked, not understanding his issue.

"So, half the people in this damn place think we're cousins… like real first cousins."

"I didn't know you cared about public opinion so much," I said, allowing my bitterness seep back in.

"I don't. What I do care about is having you stay at my house like you're supposed to be doing tonight while your dad works. If word of the change in our relationship gets back to our parents, they're going to watch us like hawks, or they just won't let you stay over at all anymore."

"Oh… Well, with Jasper living with us, I don't think I'll be staying over any more anyway."

"I overheard my parents discussing something about Jasper picking up some late shifts as the tow truck driver at the garage he works at, so…"

"So, I'll still be coming over your house some nights?"

Edward nodded with an scheming smile.

I smiled back at him, but then fell serious again. "So, you just want to keep our relationship a secret? That's… not okay," I said, realizing how wrong that actually felt.

"Not forever. School is almost over, and then we're going to be making arrangements for college, and I'm sure they'll figure everything out when we insist on staying together. It's only a couple more months."

"I just don't like the idea of sneaking around," I said, mostly to myself.

"I know, but I honestly think it's the best way to be together as much as possible. They're going to stick us with all kinds of rules and make it so much more difficult when they find out. If we are able to move out soon after that, they won't be able to keep us apart."

I nodded in understanding, but it didn't mean I liked it. "Fine. I guess we should get back to our friends then. I'll see you after school."

"I don't want to be away from you," Edward said softly.

"You can't have it both ways," I said frustrated.

"Why not?" he asked unexpectedly. "Stay here with me. Be my friend like we used to be. Just… don't touch me."

"Oh okay," I said, wanting to be offended but somehow unable to keep it up. "I guess I have cooties, or something."

"You always did get those cooties pretty bad." He stepped back over to me, and then let his hand grab a hold of my upper leg, and then it started slowly traveling in towards my core. "I cant believe I ever let you press your cootie infected body next to mine, all hot and sweaty, and so fucking delicious..."

"Okay, stop!" I chided while pushing him away. "I see your point of not touching in school," I conceded.

"Great, now I have a boner," he grumbled as he tried to inconspicuously adjust himself.

I giggled at him. "Now you're going to be uncomfortable until we get home from school."

"Shit," he hissed while looking around to see if anyone was watching. "How do guys do this crap."

"Like you never had a hard-on at school before," I said in disbelief.

"I haven't… Okay, that's a lie. When we had PE together sophomore year, and you were running around in those tiny shorts, and bending over, and… Fuck, this is not helping matters."

I laughed at him again, which he didn't take very well. As a means of retaliation, he walked closely behind me, and very subtly but deliberately shoved his erection into my ass, which swiftly sent me into a wave of desire of my own. God, he didn't fight fair.

"So, the _Game of Thrones_ twin thing?" Mike asked, suddenly appearing again. I rolled my eyes at him, but in a way, Edward and I were both grateful for his intrusion. He was the equivalent to an ice cold shower.

"It means we've been fucking… quite a bit," Edward told him unashamedly.

Mike's face fell into shock and betrayal as he looked to me for confirmation.

"Sorry," I told him sincerely. He may have been all wrong for me, but I did feel bad for the hurt he was clearly feeling.

"Sorry?" he repeated in shock. "We dated for over six months, and we never got close to having sex because I was always respectful of your desire to wait till marriage, and then you turn around and fuck the guy you swore was like a brother to you? What the hell is wrong with you? That's like… fucking psychotic."

"I don't have any words of defense for myself, so sorry is all I can offer," I told him, and then thankfully we were saved by the bell - literally. "Lunch is over," I stated, and then grabbed Edward's hand again, before dragging him to my next class.

"You know, Mike was right about you," I told him as we approached my classroom.

"He was right about me?" Edward asked with mock innocence. "About what?"

"Everything! He was right all those times he warned me that you had a thing for me, and you're certainly a dick."

Edward nodded in agreement. "I guess you should have listened to him."

"Or you could just make an attempt to not be such a dick all the time."

"Look, I admit telling him we've been fucking was a dick move, but it was necessary. He was going to keep vying for your affections until he realized you're mine and I'm never giving you back to him. I can't say I really blame the guy for trying though; losing you was the most difficult thing that ever happened to me, and we weren't even dating at the time."

"Speaking of difficult," I said, choosing to not to allow myself to melt into a puddle at his feet from his words - Only Edward could be a jerk and completely adorable in the same comment. "You didn't tell me about how it's been going with your family since you've been back."

Edward fell serious, but glanced around at all the people walking passed us, and then sighed. "Nothing's really changed. I'll talk to you about it at home."

I nodded, and then had to fight my strong desire to kiss him goodbye, before slipping into my class. I didn't look back to watch him leave, but I could almost feel when he was gone, because our connection was honestly that strong.

The rest of the day dragged on, and it couldn't have ended fast enough. To my pleasant surprise, Edward was waiting by my truck after school.

"Hey, this is… unexpected."

"I told you my parents took my car away from me. Emmett gave me a ride to school this morning, but I told him I'd just go home with you since you were coming to our place anyway."

"Good thing you were out before me then, or I would have left without you. Why didn't you tell me at lunch?"

"I didn't think about it," he said nonchalantly.

I unlocked the truck, and then got in and reached over to manually unlock the passenger door for him. The moment we were both inside, our lips crashed together like we were each other's life force. It felt like we were trying to devour each other, as if our tongues couldn't go inside the other's mouth deep enough.

It was too much.

"We need to get out of here," Edward mumbled against my lips.

"Definitely," I agreed. I turned my face away from his so I could see enough to drive, but he just moved his kisses to the side of my neck, and his hand crept between my thighs.

We couldn't make it home.

I pulled off to the first somewhat desolate road we came across, and then I practically jumped into his lap. The truck was much bigger than his Volvo, but it simply wasn't big enough for the amount of passion we were consumed by. So without uttering a word between us, Edward opened the door, and carried me out of the truck.

We both attacked my pants as quickly as possible, and then he undid his. He lifted me back up, and I wrapped my legs around his waist while he pushed me against the truck for leverage. Without hesitation, he thrust himself inside of me as fast and as hard as he could, and he continued to pound into me with a ferocity of a car crash, until we were both crying out from the intensity of our climax.

When it was over, Edward's legs seemed to turn into noodles, as he slowly let us fall to the ground.

"We can't go that long without having sex again," Edward said short of breath.

"We're going to have to get creative at your house," I said as I tried to steady my breathing.

"It'll be easy there," he disagreed. "My parents don't pay attention to anything. As long as we don't just start making-out in front of them, we should be fine."

I nodded, and then kissed him one more time, before we climbed to our feet and got back into the truck…

…

 *****A/N: I know some people are getting impatient for the truth to come out, but I promise it is coming, and when it does, it's going to definitely be a hard hit. It may even make the other version of this story seem like smooth sailing...**


	15. Jumping

**Chapter 15 – Jumping**

We arrived at the Cullen ranch, and I wasn't surprised to see Alice waiting for us on the porch swing. Like always, Edward walked passed her without so much as a wave hello, but I decided to stop and sit next to her for a few minutes.

"Still reading that same old book?" I asked her.

She shrugged and nodded. "It doesn't really get old."

"Yeah, I guess _Paddington Bear_ is a classic," I agreed. "But have you ever tried reading a longer book? I used to love the _Harry Potter_ series. Oh, and _Island of the Blue Dolphin_ was my all time favorite."

She seemed to consider it. "Sometimes I get lost on pages with so many words," she said quietly.

"Well it just takes practice. Maybe we can read together sometime. We can take turns reading out loud."

She nodded. "That would be nice."

"It would," I agreed with a smile.

Suddenly the door to the house opened and Edward peeked his head out. "Why are you sitting there?" he asked me confused.

"I'm just saying hi to Alice," I explained the obvious.

"Oh… Hey Alice, I think your phone is ringing," Edward told her awkwardly.

"Okay," she whispered, before lightly squeezing my hand, and then heading past Edward into the house.

"I thought you were going to try to be nicer to her?" I questioned him when he came out of the house to sit next to me on the swing.

"Was I not?" he asked confused.

"Well, you spoke to her directly for the first time that I can remember, so I guess that's a start."

"What am I supposed to say to her?" he asked clueless. "I honestly thought she was autistic until you told me otherwise. Now it's just… weird. I can't just be like _hey, sorry about your kidnapping_." He shook his head.

"You don't have to say anything about that. Just talk to her like you would anyone else," I suggested.

"Well, being rude is how I talk to everyone else," he said like a smartass.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Come on, let's go inside. I'm sure you have just as much makeup work to get through as I do."

We headed into the kitchen, and I put down my backpack on the table as Edward started digging through the pantry for a snack. "You want a sandwich?" he asked me.

I laughed. "As a snack? Dinner will probably be in a couple hours."

"So?" he asked carelessly.

"So why don't you just grab an apple or something to tide you over until then."

"And give my mom the satisfaction of knowing I actually wanted to eat what she cooked? No way. I need to be full before dinner."

I glared at him, so he smirked back and grabbed a couple apples for us.

"See? I knew you had the ability to be a good boy," I teased him.

"Nah, I'm only doing as you tell me because I'm hoping you'll get bored with all that nonsense soon, and come upstairs with me."

"Nonsense?" I giggled. "We need to finish all this stuff to graduate."

"But we can work on it later," he said with a smirk. I was about to argue with him, but he didn't give me a chance; he swooped me right up into his arms, and ran us up the stairs to his room. I was only glad we didn't pass any of his family members on the way.

Once inside his room, he locked the door behind us, and then threw me onto his bed, which caused me to scream.

"Shit! Do you think anyone heard that?" I asked in a panic.

Edward climbed up onto the bed and stood over me with one foot on either side, and began jumping. "Maybe they would have heard that if they weren't all self-absorbed," he said between jumps.

"Edward… what… stop," I said with a poorly contained belly laugh as his jumps just got harder and higher. "Why are you acting like a three year old?" I finally managed to choke out.

He paused his jumps to squat down close to me. "The question should be, why aren't you acting like a three year old?" he asked, before blowing a raspberry on my cheek, and then getting up and resuming his jumping.

"I'm not jumping because I can think of something better to do to make this bed squeak," I told him suggestively.

He stopped mid-jump, and just let the residual motions carry him into a stupor. "Do you know how many times I fantasized about fucking you in my bed?" he asked slowly.

I giggled at him. "And yet, you brought me all the way up here to jump," I said evenly.

"Yeah well, we just had sex in the truck on the way home from school, I didn't think you'd want to go again so soon."

"Uh, we had sex outside of the truck," I corrected him, and we do have to make up for all that lost time over the weekend," I said while caressing my hand up his leg and right to his crotch.

"You know, as much as I like pretending you have to convince me, we both know you don't," he said before collapsing over me.

We made the mistake of lying there and making-out for far too long, or perhaps it was a good thing, because suddenly we were interrupted by a light tapping on the door.

"Wait. Did you hear that?" I asked after having to tear my lips away from his.

He didn't stop kissing me, he just moved his attack to my neck.

Then the taping got louder, which turned into a knock.

"What the fuck?" Edward grumbled bitterly when he finally heard it as well.

"Someone is at the door," I said, slightly horrified.

Edward growled out in frustration, before grudgingly climbing off of me. He walked over to the door, but decided to keep it shut and just yell through it. "What do you want?"

"Um… Mom asked me to ask you what you want for dinner tonight," Alice's soft voice asked, sounding a bit nervous for some reason.

Edward shot a confused look at me, and mouthed the word ' _Alice?_ ' as if he wasn't even sure it was her.

I nodded with a look of ' _duh_ ' heavy in my features. _How could he be unsure if it was her?_

"I don't care what she makes for dinner," Edward told her. He seemed to try hard to keep his annoyance out of his tone, but he wasn't very successful.

"Oh… Okay," Alice replied quietly, and then, to my surprise, she asked me. "Bella? Is there something you want?"

My eyes grew large with the shock of her knowledge that I was even in there with him. She must have seen us go in there together, which made me realize sneaking around wasn't going to be as easy as Edward had assumed. Alice was always around, always watching everyone and everything so quietly it was easy to overlook her.

I swallowed roughly, and then had to clear my throat. "Uh, I'm fine with whatever. Thanks," I told her, trying to disguise my discomfort. The entire exchange was awkward. The way Edward refused to open the door, and the way I couldn't help but wonder if she knew what we were doing in there. It was all very uncomfortable.

Edward and I stayed frozen where we were for a few long moments, but just when I was about to ask him if she was gone, he looked at me and mouthed – _'She's still there._ '

I raised my brows in befuddlement, and then decided she must have needed something more and just didn't know how to express it. So I got off the bed, and then walked to the door where Edward was still standing.

"What are you doing?" he hissed at me quietly.

"She needs something," I whispered back, and then nudged him out of the way so I could open the door. Edward may have not cared about whatever issue Alice was having, but I certainly did. I always had a connection with her, and at times I was the only one who could calm her when she was upset, so there was no way I was going to just ignore her right then.

"Alice, hey… is everything okay?" I asked her softly.

She looked at me slightly bewildered, and then she peeked behind me at Edward, before looking back at me and nodding.

"My mom just wanted to know if either of you had a preference for dinner. She's at the store now, and text me to ask you both," Alice reiterated, but she spoke even quieter than usual, and strangely wouldn't look at me directly.

"Oh… Okay, but is there anything else going on?" I asked her gently.

She glanced at Edward again, so I followed her line of sight and looked back at him as well. He was still just leaning there against the door frame, looking somewhat perturbed.

I didn't understand the issue, but it seemed as though she wasn't going to explain either, so I decided to change the subject.

"Hey, you know what I was thinking? We haven't had a girl's night in a while. I could really use some new polish on my toes. What do you think? Manies, pedies, and rom-coms this weekend? Maybe we should invite Emmett's new girlfriend, Rosalie, so we can get to know her better?"

Alice smiled at me. "That's a good idea. She seems a bit shy."

"Well, I think meeting the boyfriend's family can be awkward for anyone," I told her.

Alice nodded. "Are you uncomfortable at your boyfriend's house?"

"Uh, well… I'm not with Mike anymore, so…" I let my words trail off.

"Oh, you're on another break. No wonder you need a girl's night. Don't worry, I'm sure you guys will get back together like you always do," she said with a strange and unexpected sharpness to her tone.

"Um… no, not this time. We're officially done for good."

"Why? You like Edward better now?" She asked, pretty much rendering me speechless. "How long are you going to date him before you need a break?"

"Alice, what the hell?" Edward asked her bitterly.

"Sorry," she mumbled before turning and walking down the hall to her room, and shutting herself inside.

"That was… weird," I said, mostly to myself.

"Weird doesn't even begin to describe Alice," Edward told me. "Come back in," he urged, but I couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that exchange with Alice gave me.

"I think we should go do some homework," I said absently.

"To hell with that," he disagreed. "Come back in my room. We can do homework later."

"We'll hang out in your room later. I don't think we should be in there whenever your mom gets home," I said, and before he could argue anymore, I took off towards the stairs, and went straight back to the kitchen.

Edward reluctantly joined me at the table a minute later, but he complained about it non-stop the entire time. It wasn't long until Esme walked in with her arms full of groceries, so I hurried to help her.

"Thank you, sweetheart," she said graciously, and then looked at Edward surprised. "Hey, haven't seen you down here like this in a while."

"We're doing homework," I explained quickly.

"I see that. I'm just glad to see Edward. Usually he does his in his room."

"Just needed a change of scenery," Edward said emotionlessly.

"Well, I like it," she said with a smile and a nod. "It would sure be nice to see your face a little more than we have lately."

Edward glared at her, but refused to give any other response.

Edward and I worked on our school work together, but separately, for the next couple hours, and we didn't speak due to the fact Esme was also in the kitchen cooking dinner.

It was one of those rare occasions when Carlisle somehow made it home for the meal, so we all sat in the dinning room and ate together in a heavy silence. It was just so deafening that I couldn't take it any more…

"So, Emmett…. How's Rosalie?" I asked, just trying to break the ice in the room.

"She's great actually. Thanks for asking," Em replied with a smile, but then he resumed his quiet eating, so I tried my hardest to reengage…

"Alice and I were just talking about doing a girl's night here this weekend, and we were thinking about inviting her. Do you think that's something she would be interested in?" I asked him.

"Yeah. I think she'd really like that, actually," Emmett said with another wide grin. "Thanks for thinking about her."

"Cool! It should be a lot of fun. I can't wait to get to know her better," I said sincerely. I had never known Em to be so serious with a girl before, so I definitely wanted a chance to spend some time with her.

My forced conversation with Emmett must have convinced the others to start conversations of their own, and everyone began talking quietly amongst themselves – Well, everyone that is, except for Edward, who pretty much just sulked the entire time.

After we ate, I helped Esme with the dishes, and everyone scattered to their corners of the house for the remainder of the evening. Edward had also disappeared, but I had a fairly good idea of where he went.

"Finally," he said the moment I walked into his room. He rushed to me and wrapped me in his arms, and immediately started peeling off my clothes.

"Um… I don't think everyone is sleeping yet," I said as he sat me on the bed, and pulled my pants off my feet.

"With how many people live in this house, I'm sure there's never a time when everyone is sleeping," he said carelessly.

After my pants came my underwear, which he disturbingly smelled.

"Ew! Don't be gross!" I said, trying not to gag.

"Did I ever tell you how much I love your underwear?" he said, refusing to put them down.

"Well, if you love them so much, why don't you just fuck them!" I said with mock bitterness.

He wiggled his brows at me. "I have… many times. Stealing your unwashed underwear from the laundry room is the only thing that's kept my overactive teenage hormones satisfied; that is, until you let me really fuck you. I actually lost my virginity to a pair of your underwear."

"That's disgusting," I spat. "How did you know they were mine, and not your mom's or sister's?" I then asked.

"I always knew which one's were yours. I'd follow you into the laundry room whenever you put your dirty clothes in there, and take them right away before they could get all mixed up."

"Oh my god. You are a perv."

He nodded with a sleazy grin. "But look how amazing my life has turned out. Now I can just take them right off of you, instead of having to stalk the laundry room waiting for you to throw a pair in there."

I laughed despite myself, and then I laughed even harder when he kissed my underwear, and then leaned over me to tuck them into his pillow case. "You're not getting those back," he said before returning to his previous position between my legs, and started kissing me where my underwear had covered.

He moaned as he kissed and licked me in the area of my body only he had ever been, and I nearly came undone right from the start. I grabbed a hold of the blanket below my hands, and just held on for dear life as I let him do whatever he wanted to me. I couldn't even tell who enjoyed that particular position more - from the low deep sounds he was making, I'd guess maybe he did, though it did feel so incredibly amazing from my standpoint as well.

I was in such a fog of overwhelming pleasure that I didn't even notice when his mouth moved up to my neck, and he began pounding himself into me. It seemed every time we had sex, the intense feeling of it only kept surpassing the previous. I couldn't even imagine how much better it could possibly get at that point, but somehow the power of our passion just kept growing.

I slept in Edward's bed, wrapped naked in his arms all night, and I had a feeling that I had become instantly addicted to that arrangement.

 _How the hell was I supposed to sleep alone at my dad's house ever again after that?_

We had a few nights together in the motels on our trip, but being in his room, in his bed, there was just something so much more amazing than anything I had ever experienced before. Sure, we were slightly worried about being caught by his family, but it was home for us, and it made our relationship feel more real than ever before.

"I don't want to go to school," I grumbled the next morning when my phone alarm clock kept disturbing our peace.

"Then let's stay home," he suggested.

"You know we can't…. But if we hurry, we can have a quickie in the shower," I said before racing to his adjoining bathroom.

Lucky for us, when we finally emerged from his room together, nobody was around to notice since they were all busy getting themselves ready for the day. We even got to eat breakfast sitting next to each other so closely that I was practically in his lap.

"I guess I'm taking you to school this morning?" I asked as we both grabbed our backpack and headed for the door.

"Well, I really don't mind walking," he said with a sigh.

"Its way to far to walk. You wouldn't even get there until after lunch," I told him as if he was serious.

He smirked. "Exactly. I think taking a nice long walk beats sitting in that dumb school any day."

"Well, its too bad for you that I'm giving you a ride then," I teased him.

"Its more like too bad for you since you're going to have to figure out a way to not crash the truck as I grope you the entire way."

I laughed at him, and then we were on our way. As he warned, his hand was between my thighs all the way to school, but joke was on him since I knew it only gave him another boner that he was going to have to suffer with for the day.

At lunch time we ditched our usual social groups, and instead chose to spend that time alone together. It was so hard to keep our hands to ourselves, but knowing we had another night together ahead of us again, we were able to find the will to be patient.

Much like the evening before, we came home from school and did some homework, and retreated to his room for some alone time, before making our way back down the stairs before dinner.

I had already started trying to think of things to talk about with everyone at the table, as a way to avoid another heavy awkward silence, but everything about that dinner was unexpectedly different, and nothing would ever be the same again….


	16. Never the Same

_*****A/N:** __Hold on tight, because the angst will be heavy in the next few chapters._

 _ ******* Once again, please remember this story is rated **M** for a reason. If you're sensitive on subjects that include rape, kidnapping, child abuse, and/or suicide, please stop reading. Thanks!_

 _…_

 **Chapter 16 – Never the Same**

"Home for dinner two nights in a row?" I asked Carlisle teasingly.

"Yes, well there is something I need to discuss with Edward," he replied in an unusually serious tone. Carlisle was never much of a jokester or anything, but he clearly had something heavy on his mind that evening.

"What do we need to discuss?" Edward asked warily.

"So… I'm considering giving you your keys back," Carlisle said to him unexpectedly. I wasn't sure what I thought he wanted to discuss with him, but that certainly wasn't a topic I would have guessed, and I couldn't help but wonder why he seemed so uneasy about it.

Edward laughed once. "Why?"

"Uh, dad, that's kind of bullshit," Emmett chimed in. "It hasn't even been a week yet. He freaking ran away from home!"

"He didn't run away from home, he was just trying to get certain information. Right, Edward?" Carlisle asked him.

"It doesn't matter!" Em argued heatedly. "He can't just take off like that. Mom and Alice were worried sick, and poor Charlie probably got a dozen more grey hairs from it. If he goes unpunished, what's to stop him from doing it again? Hell, the fact that you never punish him for anything is the reason why he does the shit he does all the time."

"Emmett, I think it's cute that you're so concerned about me leaving and all, but how about you just mind your own damn business," Edward said with annoyance.

"Okay, okay," Carlisle tried to calm them. "I have a couple conditions for him getting his keys back."

"Conditions?" Edward spat. "What kind of conditions?"

"You are still under house arrest, so I want you driving to and from school, and that's it," Carlisle told him.

Edward rolled his eyes. "Ok, how about we stop right there. If I can only drive to and from school, then you can just save your conditions because I don't even care about driving myself to school. I'll just keep getting rides from Bella."

Carlisle sighed. "Look, I was hoping you'd want your keys back enough to be willing to agree to my terms, but even if you don't care about your car, you still need to do what I'm about to tell you."

Edward furrowed his brows. "What?"

"I've arranged for you to meet with a new doctor at my hospital."

"A new doctor?" Edward asked confused.

"Dr. El is moving his practice to the city, so he won't be able to see you anymore," Carlisle explained.

"So who am I seeing?" Edward asked guardedly.

"Dr. Benjamin Amun. He's new to our hospital, but he's a brilliant psychiatrist…"

"Psychiatrist?" Edward interrupted him. "What the hell do I need a psychiatrist for? I mean, a therapist to talk about emotions, and whatever, is bad enough as it is, but a fucking psychiatrist? I thought only people with schizophrenia and major shit like that need psychiatrists?"

"Psychiatrists deal with a variety of mental health issues…"

"Oh, so now I have a mental health issue?" Edward interrupted again.

"But the main difference between psychiatrists and other mental and emotional support doctors," Carlisle continued, "is they can prescribe medications."

"Medication? You want to fucking drug me?" Edward asked incredulously.

"I believe you would benefit from some antidepressants, yes," Carlisle said carefully. "And please, watch your language."

"Fuck my language! I'm eighteen, and there's no way in hell I'm going to let you drug me up. I've seen people on fucking antidepressants, and they destroy them - turn them into emotionless zombies. I'm not doing that. I don't know why you think I'm depressed anyway. I'm fine, I don't need any medications for anything."

"Edward, we can discuss your current emotional state with the doctor, and determine what kind of medication you may or may not need. However, it is important that your connect with a psychiatrist for… other reasons," Carlisle said, hesitantly vague.

"What other reasons?" Edward pressed.

"Maybe we should discuss this privately in my office," Carlisle told him while briefly glancing at me.

"Why?" Edward snapped, refusing to go along with his subtle meaning. "I'm sure Mom already knows what you're going to tell me. And hell, Emmett probably does too. If you're worried about Bella, I can assure you, I'll end up telling her whatever it is anyway."

Carlisle looked confused by that statement, but he let it go. "Edward…" He took a deep breath. "There is a lot of mental illness in your family history, and studies have shown that mental illness can be hereditary. Its important that you start getting the tools you may need in case any of those issues ever surface, so that you can recognize them, and get the help you need before any kind of tragedy can occur."

Edward sat there and kept nodding his head, as if he was in complete understanding and agreement with his dad, but then he erupted. "What the fuck are you even talking about?"

"Calm down, son," Carlisle tried hushing him, which only pissed Edward off even more.

"Don't tell me to calm down! You said you wouldn't discuss my biological family without a therapist present, but then you throw some major shit at me like it's nothing? What the hell? I have a family history of mental illness? How the hell do you even know that when the adoption was closed and sealed? They wouldn't give me any information in Florida whatsoever, but here you are, telling me I have a family history of mental illness." Edward shook his head with angry frustration.

"The adoption was closed and sealed for your protection, Edward," Carlisle told him. "We didn't want you to see the truth, or for anyone else to find out the truth, and have it affect your life negatively."

"But you know who my parents are?" Edward questioned.

"I do."

"And, let me guess, you still aren't going to tell me?"

"I made you an appointment with Dr. Amun in two weeks, and I think it would be best of we discussed it with him."

"Two weeks! You just keep pushing it off, don't you."

"Dr. El was supposed to come to the house tomorrow, but he's moving, and I do think it would be better with the psychiatrist anyway. Two weeks was his earliest available appointment," Carlisle tried explaining.

Edward shook his head. "This is bullshit. You're going to keep putting it off until I just stop asking."

"That's not true. I will tell you everything at the doctor's office."

"No, more like you'll spin whatever truth you think you know, just like you always do," Edward argued. "Well, guess what. I'm eighteen, and you can't make me go to any doctor. I wouldn't believe anything you have to say anyway! I do think it's hilarious that you actually think I'd want my car back enough to make me agree to this shit."

"Edward, I don't think you fully understand how important this is. The mental illness that is in your family history is extremely dangerous. Not just for you, but for those around you. As your father, _as a doctor,_ I can't just allow you to ignore any of this, and let it go unmonitored any longer."

"Oh, I get it now," Edward said darkly. "When I found out you adopted me right around the same time your long lost daughter came home, I was fucking baffled why anyone would do that, but I get it now. You always had an interest in psychology, so you heard of some kid with a family history of mental illness, and it was too good of an opportunity to pass up, not even for the well being of your traumatized daughter. You thought you'd get to study the long term effects of hereditary mental diseases. I'm nothing but a fucking case study to you!"

"Edward, that couldn't be further from the truth."

"Bullshit! That's the only thing that makes sense. I'm nothing but a long term experiment. A fucking psychological lab rat."

"That's not true," Carlisle insisted.

"Then tell me the truth!" Edward shouted.

"We need to have a doctor present," Carlisle reiterated unwavering.

"You are a doctor!" Edward argued.

"I'm not qualified in this area," Carlisle maintained.

Edward shook his head. "This is completely absurd. You're an asshole, everyone here are assholes, and I'm done with this shit," Edward said as he got up from the table.

"Where are you going?" Esme spoke up for the first time since their heated conversation broke out.

"Anywhere but here. You people are nothing to me. You're not my family. I don't belong here," Edward said harshly.

"We're the only family you got, dickwad!" Emmett interjected.

"I'd rather not have any family at all than continue to pretend with you idiots," Edward said evenly.

He turned to walk off towards the front door, which made my heart leap into my throat. I stood from where I was seated at the table, and intended to go after him, but I wasn't the only one who seemed to have that thought. – Carlisle, Esme, and Alice all rushed after him, so I didn't have a choice but to fall behind them.

"Edward, you will not leave this house!" Carlisle said sternly.

"I'm an adult, you people are not my family, so I'll do whatever the hell I want!" Edward snapped back, and then he locked eyes with me. "You coming?"

My heart was racing, and the prospect of leaving to somewhere unknown for an undefined amount of time was terrifying, but I didn't hesitate. If Edward was leaving, so was I.

I nodded at him, but then we were stopped…

"Edward wait," Alice said unexpectedly.

Edward looked at her confused, but chose not to respond; instead he looked back to me, and waited for me to join him.

"Edward," Alice repeated.

He ignored her. "Get what you need, then let's go," he told me.

"You're not going anywhere, and you're certainly not taking Bella. She's still a minor," Carlisle persisted.

"I don't give a shit!" Edward retorted.

"Bella's truck won't make it anywhere for long," Carlisle pointed out. "And you certainly don't have access to your car."

"Like hell I don't," Edward disagreed before pulling a spare set of keys out of his pocket. "Bella?"

"Edward, wait!" Alice said again, but again Edward ignored her.

"Lets go!" he told me.

I took a step towards him, so he turned to open the front door, but then…

"Edward!" Alice yelled once more, and when he still didn't pause, she cried a different name – "Teddy!"

Edward suddenly froze, which gave Alice the opportunity to approach him. "Teddy, you can't leave," she said to him gently, but he only looked at her shocked and confused.

"Why are you calling me that?" he asked slowly.

"Because it's what I named you," she told him, only confusing him even more. "You remember. Even if you try not to, I know you remember."

He shook his head at her. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do," she insisted.

"Alice, this isn't the time," Carlisle told her, but Alice refused to back down.

"It could be the _only_ time," she said before turning back to Edward. "You don't have another family out there. This is your family. This has always been your family. You've always belonged here with us."

Edward shook his head in denial, but I could see the conflict in his eyes. Whatever she was telling him, he was fighting against it intensely in his mind.

From somewhere behind me, I could vaguely hear Emmett ask what she was talking about, but he was hushed, and we all just continued to listen to Alice's perplexing confession.

"Remember, when I used to read to you?" Alice asked Edward gently. "You loved _Paddington Bear._ You wanted me to read it over and over again. We didn't have many books in the basement, but you loved the ones we did have more than anything."

"Basement?" Edward mumbled, and then shook his head again.

"You would get so bored down there, especially when the electricity was out and it was dark for days at a time. I was always more afraid than you were. You liked the dark… you were born into it."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Edward seethed.

"Yes, you do," she said doubtlessly. "I would tell you to hide in the closet when he would come. You were scared, but you always stayed quiet like I told you."

Edward began absently shaking his head in denial, so Alice grabbed his hand, and placed it on her stomach. "Remember? Whenever you were scared or anxious, I would put your hand here, and tell you – _This is where you came from, and I'll keep you safe_ … This is where you came from," she repeated slowly but meaningfully while patting his hand over her stomach. "And I will keep you safe."

Edward stared at her in shock for a long heavy moment, but when a single tear fell from his eye, it seemed to surprise him, so he ripped his hand away from her to wipe the moisture away, and then he promptly moved out of her reach.

"No. This is fucking crazy," he said angrily, and then looked at Carlisle. "Maybe instead of thinking I'm in need of mental help, you should get Alice some. Clearly she's deranged."

"Edward, I know this is hard for you to understand and accept, but…"

"No. Fuck you! How the hell are you going to tell me some shit like that? You people are all fucked up!"

Edward's desperate eyes scanned the room for any kind of denial from anyone, but when he didn't find any, he looked at me in sheer panic. I didn't know what kind of expression I was wearing, but I certainly didn't realize that my hand had found it's way to my mouth. I was utterly confounded.

I had no idea how he interpreted my expression, or if it even mattered to him at all in that moment, but suddenly he exploded.

"All of you can go fuck yourselves!"

"Teddy," Alice said while reaching for him again, but he refused to let her touch him.

"Don't call me that!" he yelled at her.

"Edward!" Carlisle chided him. "I can only imagine how hard this is for you, but it is the truth."

"If it is true, then all you people are fucking insane," Edward said in a dark, almost menacing tone. "Your daughter was kidnapped, and then you just bring home the monster's child? As what? To further torment her. That's the most fucked up thing I've ever heard."

"You never tormented me," Alice told him. "You're my baby…"

"No!" he shouted at her again. "No. I'm not doing this anymore," he said before going back for the door, and no amount of yelling after him could get him to stop that time.

Everyone followed him out front except for me, I went for my backpack hanging in the foyer. My wallet was in there, and I knew I had at least some money inside, so I wanted to make sure we had it because I honestly had no clue how long we would be gone for, or if we'd even return at all.

After I had it, I hurried to catch up with Edward, but when I got outside, I was absolutely gutted to see all of the Cullens standing on the porch, watching Edward speed away in his car.

Without even taking a moment to realize what just happened, I stupidly went back into the house to grab my truck keys. I needed to catch up with him, because surely there was no way he actually meant to leave me behind. Surely he was just emotional and it clouded his thinking. Surely he only left me there as an unfortunate oversight, because anything else was unfathomable to me.

"Let him go, Bella," Carlisle demanded as I headed for my truck.

"He shouldn't be alone," I said strongly.

"I can't believe you're just letting him go," Emmett said with an array of emotions of his own. "Bella's right. He shouldn't be alone right now."

"He just needs some time to work this all out in his head. He will come back," Carlisle said, sounding like he was trying to convince himself just as much as the rest of us.

"What if he doesn't?" Emmett asked, beginning to panic, and making it absolutely clear just how much he cared about Edward.

"There's a tracking device in his car. If he doesn't come back within the hour, I'll go bring him home," Carlisle explained.

I clinched my truck keys in my hand so tightly they were sure to leave a mark, and I had to fight the urge to go after Edward regardless of Carlisle's words, but I didn't move. His car was far too fast for me to catch up to in my piece of junk truck, and I wouldn't even know where to begin looking for him anyway. I had to trust in him, and trust in our love that he would come back for me. At the very least, Carlisle would find him. I had to believe that….


	17. Deafening Silence

**Chapter 17 – Deafening Silence**

When Edward left that Tuesday evening, he didn't just leave me, he tore a huge chuck out of the entire family. He may have honestly believed no one cared about him, but I knew without a doubt that couldn't be further from the truth.

We all stayed silent in that first hour after his departure. Alice went to her usual spot on the swing, and Esme joined her and just held her hand as they stared off into the distance. They were two mothers who were desperately worried about the boy they both called their son, and as the first hour turned into the second, that worry turned into fear.

"Carlisle. We can't take this anymore. Please go find him and bring him home," Esme asked emotionally.

Carlisle looked back down at the map on his phone, and then sighed. "He's still at the diner. I'm just… unsure why he's been there for so long. I think he just needs a little more time."

"He does like the milkshakes there," Emmett suggested. "Maybe he just grabbed a chocolate shake, and drank himself into a bloated mess, and fell asleep in his car afterwards. I mean, I'm always tired after I have too much junk."

Emmett and I were sitting besides each other on the porch step, so I reached over and patted him on the back supportively. I was fairly certain Edward did not sugar himself into a stupor, but I did love Emmett's sweet imagination regardless.

"A lot of his friends hang out at that diner, perhaps he just caught up with them?" Esme wondered.

"Its possible," Carlisle replied. "But I don't think he was in a very social mood when he left. My guess is that he's just sitting there in the parking lot, trying to make sense of the world that doesn't make sense to him anymore."

"Is Edward really… I mean, did you really have him?" Emmett then asked Alice carefully. I hadn't been sure if he knew the truth all along as well, but his question made it clear that he was just as in the dark as Edward and I were.

Alice nodded.

"I don't get it," Em said, letting his frustration on the matter seep through. "Why didn't I know about this? Why didn't he know?" he asked his parents. "I mean, that's a big freaking deal. I can't believe you guys would keep something that major a secret. I honestly feel lied to and betrayed, so I can only imagine how horrible he's feeling right about now. Who else knows the truth?"

"No one other than the three of us, the social workers who handled all of it, our lawyer, and of course, Charlie."

"My dad knows?" I asked Carlisle surprised.

"Of course. He was involved in the case every step of the way. He helped me bury the police report, and all the records on him being found with Alice. We didn't want it getting out into the media."

"Why?" Emmett asked.

"Because we needed to give him his best chance at a normal life," he said, as if that answer should have been obvious. "We worried if the public found out about him, he'd be ostracized."

"But you could have told us!" Emmett argued. "I've always loved him like he was my brother, but I thought he was adopted… like for real adopted - like he came from strangers. I don't know, I guess it wouldn't have changed how I felt about him, but maybe it would have helped make sense of the weird shit he always did." Emmett shook his head. "I used to tease him about how he kept hiding in the closets. I fucking teased him! It's no wonder he hates me."

"You're only a few years older than him. You guys fought like brothers do. You haven't done anything wrong," Esme tried comforting him.

"I remember Alice coming home… and she screamed every night and sometimes all day… Edward didn't come until sometime later," Emmett recalled.

"I always thought Edward was adopted before she came home," I mumbled confused, realizing I could have been remembering it wrong.

"No, it was after," Emmett assured me without a doubt.

"It was four months after," Esme confirmed. "Four horrifyingly long months that we weren't told anything about where he was or who he was with. They wouldn't even tell us if he was okay."

"God, that must have been terrifying for him," I whispered, mostly to myself. It was no wonder he was so withdrawn when he first came to the Cullen house. He must have been completely shell-shocked and traumatized.

"He was born in that basement, and he never saw people before… other than Alice," Esme tried explaining, but her voice broke and she couldn't speak anymore.

"But why keep it from Edward?" I asked, needing that answer more than any other.

"We never intentionally kept it from him," Carlisle said softly. "Kids pick up on things. Emmett called us mom and dad, so Edward eventually followed his lead and did the same. We consulted many doctors about it, and they all agreed to not push the matter. They said it would be best to let him figure it out, and discover the world and how everything worked in his own time."

"He never called me mom," Alice said quietly. "It didn't bother me when he started calling mom that, because I wanted him to have a normal life and to be happy. I didn't know he'd completely forget about me and what we were before."

"But you legally adopted him. Why couldn't Alice just keep custody of him herself?" I questioned.

"Because of the nature of the situation, the adoption was necessary," Carlisle explained. "The state and the child welfare services took him immediately after they were rescued from that basement. We did not have access to him whatsoever. I called social services every day, several times a day, looking for help, but we just got the runaround. They wouldn't let us see him until a DNA test came back matching him to Alice…

"She was only seventeen at the time," Carlisle continued with a sigh. "And she was deemed unfit to even care for herself by social services and multiple state mandated psychologists, so they refused to release him to her. The only way to bring Edward home was for us to adopt him…"

"But we never planned on taking over as his parents," Esme added. "We never wanted to take that role from Alice. She had taken care of him on her own for over five years, so we didn't have a doubt that she could handle it, especially with our help and support."

"Then what changed?" Em questioned, still not getting the answer he was looking for. "I mean, I get why people outside the family thought you just adopted him from some random adoption agency, but why couldn't we know? And why the hell doesn't Edward remember any of this? I mean, he should have some memories from when he was five years old."

"He was so… mad at me," Alice spoke up softly. "When he first came home after we were separated, he wouldn't speak to me. No matter how many times I told him I was sorry, he didn't believe me. He blamed me for our separation,"

"How could he blame you? They took him from you. You didn't have a choice," Emmett said confused.

"Young children tend to think their parents can move mountains," Carlisle offered. "He was too little to comprehend that what happened was out of her control."

"He lost his trust in me…" Alice said heartbrokenly.

"It wasn't your fault," I heard Esme murmur to Alice.

"Having him separated from her was wrong," Carlisle said. "It made a huge impact on him, and he had a very hard time adjusting. It would have been hard enough going out into the world for the first time, but being ripped from the only person he ever knew or saw, it was… devastating. I don't know why he forgot it all. Perhaps it was a coping mechanism, or some kind of self-protection thing. That's one more thing I'd like to discuss with the psychiatrist."

"He doesn't want to remember," Alice said sadly. "He's spent the last thirteen years distancing himself from me, and burying all his memories of that time."

"But nobody is telling me why I didn't know the truth," Emmett said frustrated.

"You were only eight years old… Bella was five," Carlisle told him. "We didn't feel it was appropriate to have that conversation with either of you, and we were worried you'd talk to your teachers or friends about it. We planned to tell both of you when you got older, but we certainly weren't hiding anything from you. Edward even shared a room with Alice in the beginning. He didn't get his own room until Charlie moved out."

"I guess I do remember that," Emmett said, seemingly lost in thought. "But it's weird that I never thought it was weird that he slept in Alice's room."

"You were a busy active kid who just innocently accepted what was," Esme told him.

"Perhaps you had questions, but you kept them to yourselves, and over time you just didn't think about them anymore," Carlisle suggested.

"We should have been sat down, and all this should have been explained to us," I told them, feeling bitter that they actually assumed we were too young to understand. "At any time in the last thirteen years, we could have been told."

"We talked about having that conversation with all of you, and we did try to broach the subject a couple times over the years with Edward, but he was always very resistant to it," Esme explained. "Every time we even slightly mentioned him being little, he would close off and walk away, so I honestly thought he knew the truth and just didn't want to ever talk about it. If he didn't want it discussed, then we didn't want to push him, and we didn't feel it was appropriate discussing it with you two either."

"Dad… I don't think Edward is still at the diner," Alice said unexpectedly.

"What do you mean? The tracking device in his car is pinging right at the diner, and it hasn't moved in over an hour. He's there," Carlisle said confidently.

She shook her head in disagreement. "He's not there anymore," she insisted.

"Honey, why do you think that?" Esme asked carefully.

A tear spilled over her cheek. "I just know he's not. He's gone... He left, and he's not coming back."

Carlisle looked back at the map in his phone, and seemed to stare at it for a long time. "Oh, my god," he said under his breath.

"What?" Esme asked in a panic.

"I just realized, the diner is right next to the bus station. Emmett, come with me!" Carlisle said as he rushed to grab his car keys. Emmett didn't hesitate, he just followed his dad to the car, and got into the passenger seat.

My heart began to race, but instead of fear like I was sure Alice was feeling, I was in denial. He wouldn't leave me. He wouldn't give up on us. I couldn't even fathom it, and yet, twenty five minutes later, Carlisle's car pulled up to the house, and Edward's Volvo pulled in behind it… except Emmett was at the wheel.

Carlisle stepped out if his car, and the look of sorrow and regret was plastered on his features.

I suddenly found myself stuck in that place between denial and acceptance, and for whatever reason, I instinctually looked back at Alice. She was long past denial. She didn't even look very surprised that they returned without Edward; she simply stood up, and walked back to the house before Carlisle could utter a single word.

"He wasn't there?" Esme assumed emotionally.

Carlisle shook his head. "We checked the bus schedule, but there's been five different busses to depart during the stretch of time he could have been there for, so… I don't even know where to begin to look for him," he said, choking on his own grief. He looked completely lost and terrified for Edward, but it was clear he was trying to hold it together for the sake of the rest of us.

"Okay, so what's the next step?" Emmett asked, eager to do whatever it took to bring him home.

Carlisle stared blankly for a few moments, before finally shaking his head. "There is no next step."

"What the hell do you mean? We have to find him," Emmett asked intensely. "Maybe Charlie can file a police report."

Carlisle shook his head. "Edward is eighteen. He has the legal right to leave. He left freely, without any laws broken or foul play. There's nothing Charlie, or any of us, can do at this point, except pray he stays safe and decides to come home on his own."

My stomach twisted and my heart felt like it was shattering into a million pieces, but at the same time, I had to believe he would return eventually. He just needed some time, but he would return. It was the only thing that allowed me to keep breathing in those moments.

Emmett refused to accept what his father had said, so he drove around half the night looking for him. It was of no use. Edward could have been absolutely anywhere by then, but I think Em just felt like he had to do something.

For the next couple days, living in that house felt like living in a ghost town. There were remnants of the family we once were, but it was all reduced to mere memories that seemed so long ago. It wasn't like Edward just ran away, something died when he left, and it was irrevocable. Even if Edward came home some day, the family would never be the same.

None of us talked much during that time, and Alice stopped talking altogether. It reminded me of some of my earliest childhood memories. The deafening silence of the days, and the horrifying screaming at night. Those screams had long been dormant; I had thought they were completely extinct, but suddenly they returned with a ferocity of a volcanic eruption.

"Is that Alice?" Emmett asked as he poked his head out of his room one night.

I had been sitting in the hall, feeling helpless but unable to move. I nodded. "She's been screaming every night since Edward left. Didn't you hear her last night, or the night before?" I asked robotically.

"I usually sleep with earplugs since I'm such a light sleeper," Emmett explained.

"She used to scream like this when we were kids too," I reminded him. "I guess it makes sense now. It was during that time social services kept Edward from her."

Emmett nodded, and then came to sit next to me in the hall. "I do remember her screaming, but I never understood it before. I just thought she was having nightmares from her time with that monster. I guess a lot of things make sense now that we know the truth…. Now that I think about it, that's why I first started wearing the earplugs at night. Her screaming always terrified me. I've been wearing them ever since."

I nodded in understanding.

Emmett and I sat in that hall most of the night, just leaning on each other, and listening to Alice's anguish. It was another rough night. Carlisle and Esme would take turns running past us into her room, and after a while she would grow quiet, so they'd return to their own bed, only to have her screaming again a short time later.

In a way, her screams were almost a relief. My heart had been screaming just as loud, and when she screamed, it was like she was doing it for the both of us, and easing that intense sorrowful pressure that would build all day. I wished I could scream out loud the way she did, but I always kept my pain locked inside as tightly as possible. The Cullens were each suffering from their own kind of grief from Edward's departure, they certainly didn't need to hear about mine on top of it. None of them knew just how close we had become on our trip, and I never planned on telling them. There simply wasn't a point.

After a few days of no news, I went back to my dad's house, and I was actually grateful. I was desperate to escape the heaviness we had all been drowning in, even temporarily... but of course, it didn't work. That heaviness followed me, and no matter how hard I tried to fake being okay, Charlie could see right through me.

"Bella, I know you're worried about Edward… but, I'm sure he's okay. Out of the three Cullen kids, something tells me Edward could handle himself the most. I'm sure he will come home eventually," my dad tried comforting me.

I wanted to believe him, and I tried hard to ignore the sick, stabbing feeling deep inside my gut, but as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks became months, I found it hard to fake my optimism anymore...


	18. Numb

**Chapter 18 – Numb**

"Well, I'm proud of you, sweetheart," Charlie said as he handed me a bouquet of flowers.

I forced a smile. "Thanks, dad."

It was definitely a bitter-sweet moment. I had wrapped the wounds Edward left, so tightly, that I didn't even feel them anymore… I didn't feel anything anymore. My heart was not broken, because it had simply disappeared altogether, and I was surprisingly okay with that. Everyone seemed to have their own coping mechanisms for dealing with his abandonment, and that was mine – I simply refused to feel it.

"So… you ready for tonight?" Charlie asked warily.

I shook my head incredulously. "I can't believe Esme is still insisting on throwing me a graduation party."

"Well, you know how that woman is with parties. She was planning a huge joint bash for you and Edward, but…" Charlie let his words trail off.

"None of their family and friends want to come to this thing for just me," I said frustrated.

"Oh, come on now. You know they all love you as if you were a real part of their family," he tried encouraging me.

I shook my head. "But it's going to be so hard for Alice knowing the party was supposed to be for…"

I didn't realize how hard it was to even say his name until it got stuck in my throat right then. I didn't push it, and my dad let it go as well.

"Believe it or not, Alice seemed kind of excited for the party the other day when I was over there," Charlie told me. "She asked me if any of my work buddies were going to make it. So… I think she's doing okay."

"She's not doing okay… she's just gotten better at hiding it," I mumbled before heading to my dad's car so he could drive us home.

"Hey, would you mind terribly if I went into work tonight for a few hours?" he asked me as he pulled out of the school parking lot.

"Instead of the party?" I asked surprised. Not that I really minded, but I just wouldn't have expected it.

"No, no. After. There's some big things happening with a couple of my cases, and I just need to hammer it all out. I'm mainly asking because we planned on you coming home with me tonight, but if I'm going to work then I'd rather you just stay at the Cullens again."

I nodded absently, although, if I could feel anything at all anymore, I would have cringed at the thought. If I could feel, I'd absolutely hate staying at the Cullens after everything that happened. There were a million different ways they could have handled the situation that resulted in our family shattering into pieces, but they chose to simply put on blinders and hide from the truth. Whether they meant to or not, they took on the role of Edward's parents, and yet, they didn't embrace it or actively make sure he knew just how loved he was. I wanted to be angry and resentful about all of it, but in my current state, caring just wasn't in my capabilities.

I changed quickly at home, and then we headed to the Cullen's for the party.

Esme was in her hosting element, like usual, and all the guests seemed to be in great spirits. I even got a good start on my college fund with all the money gifts people brought me, but everything seemed hollow, and I knew I wasn't the only one who felt it. Throughout the event, I'd catch Carlisle staring off into space, and Emmett kept finding places to just be alone for a time. Alice retreated to her room soon after the party started, and even Esme would uncharacteristically lose focus repeatedly. It was too much too soon for any of us to take.

"Hey, sorry I'm late," Jasper said as he approached the steps of the front porch, where I was currently sitting alone.

"I told you, you didn't have to come at all," I told him as he hugged me.

"There's no way I'd miss it," he assured me. "It just sucks I couldn't get the entire day off. I hated having to cut out of the ceremony early too."

I shrugged. "Its no big deal."

"It certainly is a big deal!" he disagreed. "You only graduate from high school once, and you worked your butt off to make up for all the assignments you missed when you were gone. You did an awesome job. You should be proud."

I nodded absently – or at least, I thought I did – I could have just blanked out for all I knew.

Jazz sighed, and then sat down besides me. "These are for you, by the way," he said while handing me the purple orchids that I hadn't even noticed he was holding.

"Thanks. They're beautiful," I said, trying my hardest to sound sincere. They were beautiful, but it was hard to feign much enthusiasm at all anymore. "And you brought Esme hostess flowers?" I questioned while gesturing towards the bouquet of yellow daisies he was still holding onto.

"Oh-uh, they're for Alice actually."

"Alice?" I said while raising my brows in surprise.

He lifted his shoulders. "Yeah… she told me how much she loves yellow flowers, so…"

"She actually spoke more than a few words to you?" I asked, shocked. "That's not like her. I mean, she talks to me and the other Cullens, but…"

"Yeah, well when you and Edward took off together for that week, me and Charlie spent a lot of evenings over here, just checking up on you guys on the monitoring device in his car, and whatnot. One of the nights just happened to be my mom's birthday…"

"Oh Jasper. I completely overlooked that. I'm so sorry," I told him regretfully.

"Nah, you don't have to be sorry, it's ok. Anyway, Alice somehow could tell I was more bummed than usual, and so she approached me and told me that I shouldn't be worried about you two, because she knew you'd come back. I told her that wasn't exactly why I was so upset, and then I found myself just… weirdly opening up about my mom. I have no idea what possessed me to do that."

"I don't know, Alice has a very gentle vibe; she always made me feel like I could talk to her about anything… well, almost anything," I said, realizing that I could never, _and would never_ , talk about my brief romance with her son. Perhaps the fact that I had talked about Mike several times to her was what made her question my relationship with Edward. I didn't blame her. Especially after learning she was his mother, it was no wonder she was upset that day she found me in his room.

I shook away the memory. I didn't want to think about Edward anymore, at least not if I could help it.

"So when I told her about my mom, she told me about Edward and all that…"

"Wait," I interrupted him. "Alice told you about her being his mother before the rest of us found out?"

He thought about it, and then nodded. "She told me when you guys were on the cross country trip, so yeah, I guess. She had been holding that worry stone I gave her so tightly, but she offered it back to me after finding out it was my mother's birthday. It was sweet, and I didn't take it, but I appreciated the gesture, and… I don't know… we just talked for a really long time. I told her things, and she told me things, and it was really nice. I know she's going through a much harder time this time, so I thought maybe these would brighten her day… even just a tiny bit."

"That's really nice of you, Jazz," I told him.

He nodded, and then I expected him to go into the house to find Alice or socialize with the other party guests, but instead he just sat there and stared up at the stars above us.

"You know… sometimes having someone choose to leave, is harder than having someone die," he said, seemingly out of nowhere.

"How do you figure that?" I asked confused.

"My mom died… and no matter what I do, I will never see her again in this life… but I know she loved me, and still does wherever she is."

"Okay?" I asked, still confused.

"But my dad chose to leave me… and I hated him for it."

"Your dad was a jackass," I agreed.

"Yeah, but it didn't make the pain of his abandonment any easier. It still hurts. Even to this day… probably even more then the sorrow I feel from the loss of my mom. I know that's screwed up, but it's true."

I nodded. "Jasper… why are you telling me this?" I asked carefully. I probably already knew what he was trying to say, but I wouldn't allow myself to fully understand it.

"You and I are pretty similar. If someone hurts us, we just bury it instead of letting anyone see that pain. Grieving for someone who died is so much easier. That makes sense. But when we still love someone who purposely walked away, it's… it's hard to deal with, so we just don't."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "If you're talking about… _Edward_ ," I forced his name out. "I don't know why you'd think I'm having such a hard time. We were friends. We got close again right before he left, but…" I shrugged with indifference.

"But you were in love with him… still are, from what I can tell," he said unexpectedly.

I looked away from him quickly, refusing to meet his stare. "No…" I tried convincing him. "I loved him as part of my family, but…." I shook my head in denial.

"Really? So I didn't see you two making-out in your truck in the school parking lot on your first day back there?" he asked shockingly.

"I… uh… what?" I asked confused.

"Your dad asked if I could swing by to make sure your truck started alright. I was on my way to work anyway, so I said it wasn't a problem. I got there a couple minutes later than I wanted to, and saw you two trying to swallow each-other's faces."

I opened my mouth to deny it, but no words came out.

"Its okay, you don't have to get weird about it. I mean, I thought you guys had more of a sibling type of relationship, but… to each their own, I guess," he said, with a light laugh.

"It just… happened," I admitted reluctantly.

"And now that he's gone, you think it wasn't real?" he figured.

"It wasn't real!" I nearly spat. "He said he loved me. He talked about the future like it was some kind of guarantee we'd be together, but… it was all bullshit."

"Why do you think that?" he asked as if my words confused him.

"How could I not think that?" I said, allowing my anger to seep through the numbness. "He left me here! I would have gone with him. I would have left everything else behind to just be with him, but he left. He hasn't called me, or sent me any kind of clue that he still thinks about me... What we had wasn't love. At least not the kind I thought it was. He got what he wanted from me, and then he ditched me."

Jasper raised his brows. "Wow… I don't even believe you really believe that. Very unconvincing."

"Well, screw you then!" I said before trying to get up to move away from him. I wasn't about to sit there and let him call me a liar.

"Hold on," he stopped me, and pulled me back to my seated position. "Look, clearly you are in some deep pain from losing him."

"I'm not in pain," I denied.

"Yes, you are. And that's okay. You two may have only been all physical, or whatever it was, for a short amount of time, but you loved each other for a long time. I remember coming for a visit years ago, and laughing with Emmett about the way Edward would look at you like a love sick puppy."

"He did?" I asked, unsure if I believed it or not. Edward told me he had always been in love with me, but I didn't believe it anymore. Perhaps I was wrong to lose my faith in him, but it was almost impossible not to when it seemed like he just disappeared without even looking back.

"I know I just joked about thinking you two were more like siblings, but I mean, it makes sense, you were even closer than that. You and your dad lived here with the Cullens for a while after your mom died, and he was dealing with all the trauma he experienced in his short little life. You two leaned on each other. You were each other's support system. Even your dad saw that; we've talked about it a few times."

"Jasper… I don't know how… to move on," I admitted while letting a rogue tear escape down my cheek. "I feel like my heart is missing. He told me he loved me. He said we would be together. How could he do that to me? How could he just lie like that?"

"Why do you think he lied?" Jasper asked gently.

"He said he loved me," I repeated. "You don't do this to someone you love."

"Maybe _you_ wouldn't do this to someone you love, and maybe I wouldn't, but you have no idea what was going on in Edward's mind. I can't even imagine how hard it was for him to learn where he came from. It probably just threw his entire world in a tailspin. I mean, even you have been trying hard to turn off all your emotions lately. Right?"

I stared at him for a moment, and then nodded.

"If you can turn off your emotions over a heartbreak, why is it so hard for you to imagine he did the same thing after finding out something so traumatic. He probably doesn't even know which way is up right about now."

"But he's not coming back," I whispered. "When we left together, Alice said she knew he'd come back. This time…" I let my words trail off and simply shook my head. "I just don't know how to move on."

"You don't need to know how to move on, and you certainly don't have to force it. It'll happen eventually."

"I just feel so stupid!" I nearly shouted. "I mean, I'm acting like one of those pathetic girls in the movies where they think it's the end of the world when their asshole of a boyfriend breaks up with them. I never thought I'd be one of those idiots. We were barely even together."

"You've been together since you were five," he argued gently.

I swallowed roughly, and then I nodded again, except with this nod, I somehow lost that fragile grip of self-control I was desperately clinging to, and all my emotions came flooding out like a broken damn.

I cried harder than I ever cried in my life. I cried for the pain Alice was in, and even Emmett's pain. But mostly, I cried for Edward's pain... and I finally cried for mine.

...

With the end of high school, came the end of childhood, and I knew I had some tough decisions to make. Edward wasn't coming back – at least, that was what I had to believe in order to even attempt to move on, but just as all my plans for the future were finally taking shape, the phone rang…

"Hello?" Charlie answered. I was sitting at the table eating breakfast, but the sudden serious expression on my father's face made me freeze mid-chew. "Yes, of course. I'll be right in." He hung up the phone, and hurried to grab his coat.

"What happened?" I called after him. My heart was absolutely racing, and somehow I just knew it was about _him._

"I don't have time to talk right now, I need to go," he said in a rush.

"Dad! Is it about Edward?" I asked, desperate for any tiny bit of information I could have.

Charlie looked at me with stress written all over his face, and then he nodded. "He was arrested."


	19. Treading Water

**Chapter 19 – Treading Water**

My stomach twisted in painful knots as my dad practically ran out the door, without offering me anymore information about Edward's detainment. I didn't know what to do – I didn't even know how to move at that moment.

I sat still at the table for several minutes, just staring blankly out the window. Edward was okay, or at the very least, alive, so that was a relief. However, after those first several minutes, I took a deep breath, and then got up, and went about my day as if nothing had changed, because nothing really had.

Edward was still completely out of my reach, and that was his choice; him being arrested really meant nothing to me. He was an adult, so as soon as he was released, I knew he'd disappear again. There just wasn't anything I could do about it. He wanted to be alone, so he always would be unless he made the choice to come home, and if that day ever did come, I'd be happy for Alice, but I was done waiting for him myself. It was time for me to grow up and take my new responsibilities seriously. It wasn't even a choice. I had to let him go, otherwise I was going to drown with him, and that simply wasn't an option anymore.

Instead of waiting around all day for my dad to come home, I got myself presentable, and went out job hunting. Finding summer employment was almost impossible in such a small town with everybody vying for the same few openings, so after being turned away at several locations, I steeled myself, and went to the last place I ever wanted to go…

"Bella, hey. Didn't think I'd see you again for awhile," Mike said as I stood there at the store manager's office, application in hand.

"Well, I need a job, so," I shrugged.

I absolutely hated going there, but I was desperate, and unfortunately I couldn't see any alternative. The damn Newtons owned half the town, so finding a job not tied to them wasn't going to happen. It was bad enough when I had to go to Mike to get Jasper's job at the mechanic shop their family owned, and I knew it would be so much worse for me.

"Hey, I'll go tell my dad we've filled the position. You're hired," Mike said enthusiastically.

"Just like that?" I asked, slightly bitter. "No interview? Do you even want to see my résumé?"

"Nah. I know you pretty well I think. You'll be a great addition to our team here. Can't wait to get the chance to work with you again."

He smiled his Mikey smile, and I honestly had to fight the urge to vomit. I really wanted to take his job and shove it down his pompous throat, but I faked a friendly smile in return, and nodded. "Thanks. It should be great," I said with faux excitement.

"Awesome. When do you want to start?"

I shrugged. "As soon as possible."

Even though I had a small savings, plus the money I got from my grad party, it still wouldn't be nearly enough, so I needed to start making money right away. There was no time to lose.

"Cool. How about now? We're understaffed, and we could use an extra man on the floor… or _wo-man_ , in this case," he said with a chuckle.

I laughed mockingly back at him, or at least it was a mocking laugh in my own head, I really hoped he thought it was sincere. If I didn't need money so badly, I would have never gone crawling to Mike for any reason ever again, but some things were more important than stupid superficial failed high school romances, and I had to be better than that.

So I changed into my new Newton Grocery uniform, and even donned the terrible white apron, and bit my tongue as Mike showed me around and gave me a very informal training.

"You can pretty much shadow me for the next couple days until you're comfortable," Mike said, pretending not to notice the severe discomfort I was radiating from the arrangement. He knew I didn't want to be around him, but the fact that he even gave me the job at all proved he had ulterior motives. He probably did it as payback.

When my training shift was finally over for the day, Mike turned to me and actually tried to hug me.

"Uh?" I asked confused.

"Sorry. Force of habit," he said with a wink. When I scowled at him in return, he cleared his throat. "So-uh, you think you're going to be able to handle everything around here?" he asked, refusing to finish up my paperwork.

"Yeah. I worked here last summer," I reminded him. Why he thought I knew nothing about the place, I had no idea.

"Well, a lot has changed since then," he said with forced casualness.

"You can say that again," I mumbled, mostly to myself.

"Last summer was really great. We had a blast here, remember? It was like summer camp."

I nodded. "I wish Angela and Jessica were still here."

"Yeah, they're off to college, huh? I wasn't sure if any of the gang would want a summer job before they took off, but I guess they're all just chilling while they can. Not like us responsible folk," Mike said with another wink.

"Mike, can you please just sign my paper so I can go home for the day?" I asked as politely as I was capable of.

"Yeah, sure, of course," he said and then grabbed a pen, but before he actually signed it, he looked up as if he was reminiscing. "I'm just really going to miss everyone. You know? Our lives will never be the same. Remember when we were talking to Angela and Ben about the four of us renting a place together for college? Whatever happened to that?"

I sighed. "We broke up. They broke up. It happens," I said, praying he would just have mercy on me and sign my damn paper.

"Hey, speaking of breaking up, whatever happened to Cullen? He just stopped coming to school, and I certainly didn't see him at graduation."

I glared at him angrily. He knew damn well that Edward took off. Everyone knew. It was the talk of the freaking town. Dr. Cullen's perfect family wasn't so perfect after all. Everyone was clamoring to know what kind of skeletons were hiding in their closets; I was just grateful Carlisle had done something right and buried that information tightly. Edward didn't need the town's scrutiny on top of everything else. But not knowing also meant constant speculation. Perhaps that was the reason Mike hired me after all. He was always a sucker for town gossip.

"Edward's business is Edward's business," I told Mike evenly. "I'm not his keeper, and I'm certainly not your informant."

"Okay, don't get upset. I was just curious," he replied defensively. "You good with the schedule I gave you?" he asked me. I nodded, so he nodded in return. "Good. I'll see you tomorrow then."

I didn't offer a goodbye, and I couldn't get out of that store fast enough. I absolutely hated everything about that day, but I had a feeling everything was only going to get worse at home.

I drove slowly, and paused a little too long at every stop sign. Whatever news my dad had about Edward, I was honestly dreading it. As much as it hurt being left behind, I was somehow functioning again, and I feared any knowledge of Edward's current life or location would send me into another world of hurt that I just couldn't afford right then. I had to keep moving, keep treading water, otherwise I was sure to begin to sink once more, and I couldn't allow that.

To my surprise, I arrived to an empty house, and a note left on the kitchen table -

 _'Bells,_ _going out of town. Be back in a few days._ _Jasper will be home in time for dinner._ _Love, Dad.'_

I wasn't sure if his lack of information was a relief, or if it just made everything more stressful. I was honestly hoping he'd tell me Edward was picked up for some misdemeanor somewhere and released, and that would be that, but now I felt like I was holding my breath, and I just wasn't sure how long it could last before I passed out.

Rather than driving myself insane with all the different possible scenarios and outcomes, I decided to drive over to the Cullens. Unfortunately for me, the only person home was the housekeeper.

"What do you mean they all left?" I asked confused.

"Mrs. Cullen said they're going to be gone for a few days. That's all I know," she replied apologetically.

I shouldn't have been surprised that they all took off to wherever Edward had been located, but I was, and once again, I had been left behind. It stung.

"Well…. I suppose it's for the best," I said to myself. "Just started a new job, and that's what's most important now. What difference would it make if I had gone anyway?" I continued speaking out loud as I walked back to my truck. "He doesn't want to see me, because if he did, he would have come home… or called… or even written me a damn letter. If he doesn't want me around, I'm sure as hell not going to force myself on him."

When I got home, I made dinner for Jasper and myself, and of course, I ended up eating alone.

"Figures," I said after reading Jasper's text apologizing for needing to work later than he expected.

When I was finished, I cleaned up my mess, and put a plate in the fridge for Jazz, and then went to bed and stared up at the ceiling.

"It won't always be like this," I said, continuing with my solo conversation I seemed to be stuck on that evening. Perhaps I just needed a pep talk, and I was the only one there to give it. "Just one day at a time, and we'll get through it."

I woke up bright and early the next day, and grudgingly put in my Newton's Grocery uniform, and basically spent the day dodging Mike and catering to obnoxious customers that assumed it was my fault when the store was out of something they wanted. If hell truly existed, that was it. It was supermarket hell.

My lunch break couldn't come fast enough, and I was grateful to receive a text from my dad, but he didn't give any information about where he was, or if he had even seen Edward, but I suppose that wasn't really a topic I wanted to know about anyway.

My dad and the Cullens were gone for three days, and when they finally made it back into town, of course my dad needed to go straight into work to make up the time he was away. I understood it, but at the same time, I was feeling really lonely, and hoping for one of our old movie and pizza nights in. Still, I was grateful I had the next couple days off, so I was sure we'd get the chance to spend some time together soon enough.

The next morning I decided to use my empty schedule for the day, to head over to the Cullen's to make sure Alice was doing okay. When I got there, however, I was accosted by a scene I was never expecting…

"Oh…. Sorry," I mumbled, suddenly feeling like all the air was violently sucked out of the house, so immediately tried to retreat. I was experiencing the fight or flight panic reflex, and it seemed I was definitely more of a flyer.

"No, Bella, you don't have to leave. Come in and say hello," Carlisle said encouragingly. He was sitting on the living room couch, and appeared to be in some sort of deep conversation… with _him._

I honestly never thought Edward would come back, and as I looked him over, I realized that was actually still true. He didn't come back – he was dragged back, probably kicking and screaming, and the little black box strapped to his ankle was proof.

He wouldn't look at me, but I had a hard time looking anywhere but at him. He was skinnier than I had ever seen him before; his clothes fell loose around his body like someone wearing two sizes too big. His hair had overgrown, and it draped down like strings around his face. His once perfect cheek bones looked to be protruding out from his skin way too far. He wasn't dirty, I was sure he was forced to wash up by then, but he still looked grungy somehow - like he hadn't showered at all in the three months he was gone for, and that grime had stained his long nails permanently.

He looked nothing like the gorgeous Edward I had briefly called mine, and I wondered if I would have even recognized him if I passed him on the streets, but he was still in there somewhere, and I hoped for Alice's sake that they somehow found a way to bring him back to her...

"Edward will be home for at least two months, so I'm sure you two will have plenty of time to get reacquainted," Carlisle told me.

I nodded. "Well, I just came by to see Alice, so…"

"She's up in her room," Carlisle replied with an empty smile.

"Can I?" I asked, gesturing towards the stairs awkwardly.

"Of course. I'm sure she will be glad to see you. Maybe afterwards you can come back down and hang out with Edward for a bit. Right?" he asked Edward.

Ever so subtly, Edward shook his head, and I could actually see his lips mutter a 'Fuck you' to him, which just made Carlisle close his eyes slowly but tightly in defeat.

"Uh, I don't have a lot of time," I lied. "So I'm just going to go see Alice, and then I need to head out," I said, making Carlisle look at me with the saddest expression I had ever seen on his face before. He finally nodded, so I hurried up the stairs.

I knocked lightly on Alice's door, and when she didn't answer, I knocked a little louder. She opened the door with a hopeful look on her face, but when she saw me, a flash of disappointment swept through her eyes. I didn't take it personally. She was probably hoping I was Edward.

"Hey, I just wanted to come see how you were doing," I said, trying to focus on her, even though my head was still spinning from the unexpected and shocking presence down the stairs.

Suddenly Alice's eyes danced again. "Oh Bella, did you see Teddy? He looks awful," she said with more pep in her voice than I had heard from her in months. "Come in here," she said while grabbing my arm and pulling me inside her room.

"I just wanted to see how your trip went," I told her.

"It was terrible," she said, but her tone remained light. "I hated seeing Teddy in jail, but at least your dad and my dad were able to get him out… Well, he's not actually out, he's on monitored house arrest."

"What did he do?" I asked her.

She waved dismissively. "Oh, I don't know. Stole some things, or something. He left with no money, and no ID to get himself a job, so of course he's been steeling. I'm just glad he was finally caught so we could bring him home. They wanted him to stay in jail, but our dads are pretty convincing."

I nodded. "So… what now?"

"He has to stay here for two months. He can leave during the day if he gets it cleared; my dad wants him to go to some adult school to get his high school diploma, and he has to go to therapy… But if he's not home by curfew every night, he gets in big trouble and won't be able to leave at all."

"Oh… Well, I hope he can get everything straightened out then," I said supportively, but trying like hell to ignore the stabbing pain in my stomach.

"Bella, you have to convince him to stay with us," Alice said, taking me aback. "We have two months to convince him."

"Uh… I hope you can, but I can't really help you with that," I told her regretfully.

"Of course you can! He loves you. He came back last time for you. He would have stayed for you too if he didn't freak out."

I shook my head with disagreement. "Alice, that was before, he's… he's different now. He wouldn't even look at me down there," I said, trying to control my emotions.

"Because he's still upset, and he's hiding deep inside himself. You have to keep trying. I know if anyone can get through to him, it's you. You have always been able to reach him, even when you guys were little. He wouldn't come out of the closet for anyone but you. You can do that again. Bring him back out," she said in a desperate rush.

I wiped the tear that had spilled over my cheek, and then I shook my head again. "I'm sorry, I just don't think there's anything I can do for him. We're not kids anymore. I can't just sit next to him all day in the dark and wait for him to want to play. I have a job now, and…"

"How can a job be more important than your best friend?" she cut me off with tears forming in her own eyes.

"I really need this job, Alice," I told her sorrowfully. I wished more than anything that I didn't have to work at that wretched place, but I simply didn't have a choice. My entire future depended on it, and I couldn't risk that for someone who would just disappear again the moment he was able to. I was done being a stupid little girl waiting around for some guy, I just didn't have that luxury anymore.

Alice looked at me with hurt heavy in her eyes, and then she took a deep breath. "Bella, I'm not feeling so well. Would you mind leaving so I can take a nap?"

I nodded, and then whispered "Sorry," before leaving her alone.

My heart raced as I went down the stairs, but I was relieved when Edward and Carlisle were no longer having their powwow in the living room, and I could escape in peace.

I couldn't get away from that house fast enough, and even though it upset Alice, I didn't plan on going back until Edward's two months were done. I couldn't do what she wanted me to, and I knew it would end up destroying everything I had been working towards if I even tried.

Perhaps Edward and I were more alike than I thought, because now I was the one running. Not away from life, just away from him. It was the only thing I could do in order to stay afloat…


	20. The Entire World

**Chapter 20 – The Entire World**

"So, a bunch of us are going to the beach for a big bonfire tonight. You in?" Mike asked me at work one afternoon.

"I'm supposed to work tonight," I told him evenly.

"No, you work tomorrow night," he said while pulling up the schedule on his phone. "See? I made sure you had tonight off."

"Why?" I asked confused.

"Friday night. We're young, we should enjoy it while we still can."

I considered it for a moment, and then I found myself nodding. "You're right, we should."

"Yeah? So, you'll come?" he asked excitedly.

I nodded again. "Yeah. Thanks for inviting me."

For the rest of the day, I debated whether or not I should actually go to the beach. I had zero desire to hang out with Mike socially – or at all, for that matter, but I hadn't been out with friends since before I ran off with Edward, and that honestly felt like forever ago. As much as I disliked him, Mike was right, we had a lifetime of responsibilities ahead of us, we may as well enjoy our freedom while we still could.

"Hey, you made it!" Mike said enthusiastically as I approached the group that evening.

"Yeah, it's nice to get out," I said honestly. "Hey guys," I said to the people who were hanging there with him. I knew most of them as his jock buddies and their girlfriends, but I wasn't particularly close to anyone there. I felt awkward, but I fought through it because I was determined to try to have fun with kids my own age for what could be one of the last times.

"Here-ya go, Bella," Trevor said while handing me a beer.

"Thanks," I said while taking it from him and pretending to take a sip.

"I'll drink it for you," Mike whispered before audaciously leaning down, and sipping from my cup as I was still holding it.

"Wow, making sure she doesn't get too sloshed too soon, huh?" one of the girlfriends teased.

"Bella doesn't really like beer. She just holds onto it and pretends," Mike ratted me out like the jackass he was.

Everyone stared at me like I was some alien lifeform. "Um… I like lemon drops," I tried defending myself, but I probably just sounded like an idiot.

"Oh, you're one of those fancy drinks type of chick," one of the other dudes said. "No wonder you dig her so much, Mikey, she lets you drink her beers at parties."

"Just one of her many amazing qualities," Mike confirmed, while draping his heavy arm over my shoulders.

I immediately pushed his arm off of me. "You know, I just remembered I have to be somewhere," I said with faux regret.

"What? Where?" Mike asked, bummed.

I couldn't think of an excuse fast enough, so I shrugged. "Anywhere but here."

I left quickly, and really hoped it didn't cause my job to be in danger. I had truly wanted to enjoy the night, and I did try, but the truth was, I wasn't some dumb kid without any responsibilities anymore, and I knew I never would be again. That just wasn't my world anymore, and I couldn't fake it, not even for one night.

I went home and decided I was probably happier reading a book alone than being around anyone anyway, so that's how I chose to spend the rest of my evening.

The next morning, I seriously considered calling in sick. I didn't really drink at the beach, but I almost felt like I had. Just thinking about work that day made me want to vomit. I took on a double shift willingly, but I couldn't think of anything I'd want to possibly do less. Then again, because my life was so amazing, Charlie proved to me that things could always get worse.

"Hey, I'm working a pretty big case, and need to be out of town for a few days…."

"Don't even say it," I told him, knowing exactly where he was going with the conversation.

"With Jasper in Texas for the week…"

"No," I cut him off again while shaking my head.

"Bella, I get it. You don't want to be treated like a child," he told me.

"We agreed I didn't need to be babysat by the Cullens anymore," I told him strongly.

"Yes, and if it was only one night, I would perhaps let you stay home alone… maybe."

"Dad," I whined. "I don't want to go to the Cullens. At least, not while…" I let my words trail off.

"Look, I understand there's a little tension between you and Edward."

"A little tension," I said with a humorless laugh.

"Whatever happened between you two, you just need to try to remember how close you once were, and… if he ever needed a friend, now's the time. You may be the only friend he has left. You can be mad at him, but still care enough to want to help him. You're family. Never forget that."

"I'm not mad at him, that's not what this is about… I just have a lot going on with work, and everything. I just… can't lose focus."

"Look, I know how important work is, both Carlisle and I spend way more time working than we should, and you kids have all had to pay the price for that… That's why I'm telling you, don't make our mistakes. Family should always come first."

His words definitely struck a cord with me. Their biggest mistake was putting their jobs in front of quality time with our family, but I was in a different situation. I couldn't help but wonder if he would be saying the same thing if he knew the truth about the nature of my and Edward's relationship. I found it hard to believe they were all so blind to it and honestly thought we were nothing more than pseudo siblings, but then again, they were all so busy all the time that it was no wonder Edward felt uncared for. I didn't want to make their mistakes, and I owed Edward the truth and a chance to make his own decisions. I was just terrified I already knew what that outcome would be. Still, I had to try…

I sighed. "Fine. I'll go talk to him when I find some time, but I don't need to sleep over there."

"You staying with them while I'm gone is completely a separate issue than your friendship with Edward. I would feel more comfortable knowing you weren't alone while I'm out of town."

"So, when I'm thirty can I stay alone?" I asked sarcastically.

"I'm hoping by then you'll have a husband to keep you safe," he replied with a smirk.

"Wow. That was extremely sexist," I told him in mock offense. I knew he didn't mean it like that, but still, it did kind of piss me off.

"I'm sorry, but the majority of assault crimes happen to women between the ages of fourteen and forty five. If I can protect you, I will."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Look, I have a late shift tonight, so I'll head over there after, but I probably won't talk to Edward until tomorrow some time. I'm going wait and see how everything goes before I commit to staying any other nights. I'd rather just be here."

"Bella, please," Charlie asked frustrated.

"I will text you later," I told him before grabbing my work apron, and heading out the door.

The day was horribly long, and Mike kept following me around as if he was the one in training, and honestly didn't know if I could handle two whole shifts of that crap. He clearly didn't get the hint when I walked away from him the night before, so it seemed I was either going to have to be blunt and probably risk my job, or just put up with his stupid flirting and pretend not to notice. It was a tough choice.

But I would have rather stayed at all work all night and the entire next day than go to the Cullens. That conversation with Edward was going to probably be the most difficult thing I ever had to do - that is, if he would even be willing to talk to me at all. As much as I was dreading it, however, I couldn't put it off forever, so it was probably best just to get it over with.

I arrived at the Cullen house around eleven fifty pm, and I was grateful the only one who seemed to be awake was Emmett.

"Hey, you're just in time," he said with a smile as I walked through the living room.

I smiled back at him tiredly. "Just in time for what?"

" _Exorcist_ just started on HBO," he said excitedly. "I popped some popcorn."

I walked over and dropped myself onto the couch next to him, grabbed a handful of popcorn, and then told him - "I think I'll just let you watch this masterpiece alone."

I got right back up, but Emmett couldn't let me go without complaining. "What? Come on! If you don't watch cheesy scary movies with me, no one will."

"Sorry. Not tonight. Some kid threw up in the snack aisle today, and guess who had to clean it all up? Yep. Me. My stomach just can't handle any kind of vomit scene in a movie right now, especially not the projectile kind," I said with a laugh.

"Aww, you're weak!" he teased me.

I smiled and nodded. "Yep. Weak, and exhausted. I'm off to bed. Good night," I said before heading up the stairs.

Carlisle's home office doubled as my bedroom when I was there, which was located towards the back, so I tiptoed down the hall, hoping not to wake anyone, but that was the moment Edward opened his door and practically slammed right into me.

"Shit!" he hissed. I must have startled him.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"What are you doing here?" he asked me emotionlessly.

"My dad is out of town," I explained quietly. "Where are you going?"

"Downstairs."

"Can't sleep?" I questioned.

"Just getting a drink," he said, still refusing to really look me in the eye, but he did notice something about me. "You're working at Newton Grocery again?" he asked, obviously taking note of my uniform.

I nodded. "Pays decently."

He stared off into space for a moment, and then shook his head with incredulousness. "Figures," he mumbled before stepping around me so he could head for the stairs.

I knew what he was thinking, and even though a big part of me didn't care, I quickly decided that since we were both up, I may as well just bite the bullet and tell him what I needed him to know.

"Wait," I said, and somehow managed to grab his arm and pull him into his room without him throwing a fit like I was half expecting.

"Bella, we don't have anything to say to each other," he said, sounding completely dead on the inside.

"Well, maybe you're just fine with how everything ended… or didn't end, I should say, but… we need to talk."

"What do you want to talk about?" he asked evenly. "I'm not going to stay here. As soon as my two months are up, I'm leaving. Your life is here, mine isn't. So there isn't anything left to say."

"Really? Gosh, and to think, all this time I thought we were still a couple," I said scornfully. "We never actually broke up… Oh wait, we never actually dated either, did we? I guess it makes sense now why you didn't want anyone to know about us," I said, letting my bitterness show through.

"That…" He let go of whatever he was going to say, and just shook his head.

"It doesn't matter anyway," I murmured. "I knew it wasn't real, even when we were together."

"Well, I'm sure you're happy to know you were right then," he said carelessly. "Mike is probably thrilled to have you back. Can I get a drink now?"

"I'm pregnant," I confessed bluntly. I planned to work my way up to it, but perhaps blurting it out was best. Besides, no amount of stalling or dancing around the topic could make it any easier.

Edward didn't reply verbally, but he did finally look at me with shock written all over his face. It was a look that only pissed me off.

"Don't do that! … Don't even pretend to be surprised!" I said strongly. "We both knew this was going to happen. We may not have talked about it out loud, but we knew. I had been on birth control; my dad made me get on it the moment I started dating Mike, and I always took it despite never having sex, because I figured someday... But I jumped into your car that day with nothing. You knew that. You also didn't use any protection. We both knew it would happen, and we did it anyway. Now, you can run off and deal with your pain however you want, but I can't just sit back and wait for you anymore. I need to figure out a way to hold myself together, and… grow up. And I'm scared, but… I wasn't surprised, and I know you're not either."

He stared blankly at the wall for several long beats, and he blinked a few times, and looked back at me. "That first night we were together… it was all just kind of surreal, and I woke up in the fucking closet, but… the second night… The second night I watched you sleep for a bit… and I thought I should go out and get that morning after pill, and maybe some condoms… but then I just… didn't. I didn't because… I didn't want to. I honestly considered the idea of what it could mean, and it was like… in that moment, I almost needed it. I needed to make a new family… and I needed a way to keep you with me forever. I knew it was wrong, but at the time, it just felt so right…. It wasn't right, it was just stupid."

"We were both being stupid on that trip," I agreed. "We thought we could make it last forever, and here we are, at a place where you can't even look at me. I don't know how we got here. You were ready to take me with you, and I was ready to go, but then…"

"Bella, you don't belong out there. Trust me, you really don't."

"Neither do you. You belong here with your family… here with me… But it doesn't matter, does it?" I asked, already knowing that he still had no intention of staying longer than he had to. I knew it long before that talk, which was why I wanted to avoid him. I could feel my heart ripping in shreds once more, and I wondered how I'd find the strength to avoid the black hole I had fallen down before.

"I don't belong anywhere," he told me, pretty much confirming what I already knew. "I can't stay here. I can't pretend anything about my life is okay. I'm only alive because some sick bastard raped a little girl. I shouldn't exist. That monster's blood is running through me, and now it's running through you, and it's the most fucked up thing I could ever imagine. It's sick. Everything about it is sick. You need to go get an abortion, Bella. The world doesn't need anymore of that evil blood. It has too much of it already."

His words cut deeper than any other words I had ever heard. The amount of self-loathing running through him was excruciating, and I would give anything to be able to take it away from him, but I simply didn't know how.

I didn't realize he was waiting for a response from me about the abortion until he said "Please," but all I could to was shake my head no.

"I can't," I whispered. I didn't even know what the rules were for abortions and how long I could have waited, but it didn't matter. I had already accepted it, and I already loved it. I would have done anything for Edward… anything but that.

"You haven't told anyone about this," he stated. It wasn't a question. "Carlisle would have laid into me about it by now if he knew. If you're so… insistent on keeping it, then why have you kept it a secret?"

"I don't know. It just never seemed like the right time… Maybe I was hoping you'd come home… I knew you wouldn't, but it's still hard not to hope deep down. And I guess I wanted to have a plan, so that when they asked me what I was going to do, I'd have an answer for them."

"And your answer is working at Newton Grocery?" he asked condescendingly. "I'm sure Mike will be thrilled about that when he finds out. We both know he only hired you because he thought you'd go back to him."

"Yeah, well… What do you care?" I asked with a shrug. "You're not planning to stay, and I need to find a way to provide for my baby, so… I'll do whatever I have to."

Edward went over to his bed, where he sat down and seemed to be thinking really hard about something. He ran his hand through his overgrown hair, and then pulled up on his scalp roughly.

"I've done a lot of shit since I left here," he said carefully.

He looked at me like he was waiting for some kind of response, so I shrugged. "Okay. And?"

"Lived on the streets mostly. Made friends with some wacko loons in homeless camps… stole a bunch of shit. Thought I was going to freeze to death a few times."

I nodded. "I can see why you're in such a hurry to get back to that life."

"I tried to get you out of my head," he continued as if I hadn't spoken. "I wanted to make it so… no matter how badly I missed you and wanted to reach out to you, I couldn't. I figured if I did something despicable enough, you'd never forgive me and I would never be able to come crawling back to you and fuck up your life again."

"So… what did you do?" I asked, knowing I really didn't want to know, but needing to hear it because it was clear he needed to say it.

"I panhandled for enough money for a cheap motel. Picked up on a girl…" He paused.

"Edward, I don't care!" I cut him off. "You think screwing around could be the worst thing you could do to me? Seriously? We're not together. We were over the moment you ran off and never looked back. You would not even be here now if you weren't forced to be. I don't need you to formally break up with me. We weren't ever really together anyway. So save your confession, if that's what you're tying to do. I don't care. You can't push me away any further than I already am! I only came here because I felt I needed to tell you about the baby, but like I already knew, it changed nothing, so I don't need to be in here with you anymore."

He nodded absently, and then continued his story despite my angry protest. "I thought if I could have sex with some random chick, it would make you hate me enough to never let me anywhere near you again. It was the only way I could think of to ensure I could never beg you to take me back."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head, but instead of leaving his room the way I intended, I just stood there and waited for him to finish.

"I found a girl who was more than willing. She was beautiful. Looked like a model…"

"She was probably a prostitute," I interjected.

"I knew I could never… do anything with girls before, without… thinking about you," he said reluctantly. "But I thought… I could do that again… It didn't work. I couldn't… Nothing happened except for me vomiting all over her."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked confused.

"I'm hardwired for you. I know I'll never be with anyone else again, but… I can't stay here, and you can't leave with me. I'm not going to change my mind, and I'm not going to magically get better. I can't just pretend to be the person they all pretend I am."

"Nobody is pretending you're anyone," I interrupted him. "You may not be Carlisle and Esme's son, but you are their child, and Alice's child. You are with your family. Your blood. They're not just random people who took you in..."

"I'm no more their family than I am Marcus Aro's," he said, taking me aback. "The monster who kidnapped Alice is the only person who is responsible for my existence. He forced himself on her, and forced me inside her, and it is disgusting that Carlisle and Esme would ever think it was a good idea to bring me into this house. It's repulsive. She shouldn't have to spend her life with a constant reminder of what happened to her."

"Alice loves you!" I said as intensely as possible, because I knew just how true it was. "She cried for you every day when you were gone. The only thing you could do to hurt her is to leave again."

Edward clinched his jaw, and shook his head in denial. "I can't be what she needs me to be, and I sure as hell can't be what you need me to be. I'm never going to be a father to anyone. I don't have it in me. I wish it wasn't true. I wish I could go back to being some naïve nobody who was desperate to build a family with you. I know it wasn't that long ago, but it was a lifetime ago at the same time. Someone else's lifetime ago. I'm not him anymore. I know now I never was. I'm sorry… I really am. I'm so incredibly sorry. I'll always love you, but I can't be with you. I don't want to be anywhere, but I can't be here."

He spoke with so much pain and desperateness in his voice, that it was impossible not to feel it too. He was practically begging me to understand and to let him go, and I knew there would be no changing his mind. I couldn't force him to stay, and he couldn't force himself either, even though I knew he wished he could. It wasn't his desire to leave, it was just something within him that wouldn't allow himself to stay, and there was nothing anyone could say or do to change that. He needed to go out and find himself, and I sincerely hoped someday he'd find his way back to Alice. She would never give up on him, not the way I had to.

"Okay. I'll leave you alone for now on. You won't have to worry about seeing me while you're here," I murmured, knowing all the pain I felt from his abandonment was going to be nothing compared to this pain. I had no high hopes of changing his mind when I went in his room that night, but seeing just how much agony he was in absolutely gutted me. I had never experienced anything like it, and suddenly I became desperate.

I wrapped my arms around him quickly and securely. I was almost sure he would push me away, but instead he clung back to me and we both cried. We cried for what we were, and everything we lost. I knew he still loved me, I could feel it just as clearly as anyone could feel the wind in a storm. There was just a wall that surrounded him that he didn't know how to climb out of, and I couldn't climb in either.

I didn't know how long we held each other, or how we started kissing, but even as our clothes seemed to melt away, and he pushed into me so gently but intensely at the same time, I knew it wasn't a reconciliation - It was our way of saying goodbye. We just needed to hold each other one more time, and I was grateful to get that chance.

He didn't ask me to leave when we were finished, we just continued to hold each other, and we may have even made love a second time, but the whole thing was so surreal that I wasn't sure about any of it. Was he even there, or did I conjure him in my overactive lonely desperate mind? I didn't really know, and I didn't care. In those moments, all I needed was his touch, and he needed mine. I knew it wouldn't last. Dream or not, I knew I would go to sleep in his arms, and wake up alone.

I closed my eyes, and sometime later I opened them again, only to find the bed next to me empty like I knew it would be. It wasn't quite morning, and the room was still dark, but I knew I would never be able to go back to sleep, so I forced myself up.

Even though we said our goodbye, I couldn't help but wonder where Edward was. My first thought was that he slept walked back into the closet, but his closet doors were wide open, and he was clearly not inside. I knew he wasn't allowed to actually leave the house at that hour, so I figured he must have just gone downstairs to get some space from me. I didn't want to upset him anymore than he already was, so I would give him that courtesy; I needed to keep to my word, and leave him alone from then on out. He needed to find his own way out of the darkness, and I had to let him go.

I wouldn't tell anyone about my pregnancy until Edward was gone, because he certainly didn't need anyone trying to guilt him into staying. If he was ever going to become a healthy, active, and willing member of the family again one day, he had to heal and choose to do so. He needed more time, and even though I couldn't wait around for him anymore, I fully planned to support him as a friend in whatever he needed, whenever he needed it. Whether it be two months from then, or ten years. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that someday he would be better. I had to believe that.

I dressed quickly and headed for the door, and planned to spend the rest of the early morning in my own bed before heading back to my dad's house, but then something made me pause. I turned back around and noticed the softest glow coming from under his bathroom door. I thought it was strange, but then curiosity got the better of me, and I decided to go figure out what the glow was coming from.

I turned the knob slowly, and since it wasn't locked, I pushed open the door, and my eyes immediately zeroed in on the source of the glow. It was from his electric razor charging base, but the razor itself was in pieces on the floor... next to Edward's crumpled form.

Suddenly everything was in slow motion, and looked almost blurry in a strange way I didn't understand. There was an odd screeching noise that abruptly drowned out almost all of my other senses, but it wasn't until Carlisle came barreling into the room that I realized the screeching was actually the sound of my own screams.

I had no idea how I got into that position, but I looked down and saw Edward's lifeless body in my lap, with my arms wrapped around him securely, and we were both soaked in a red substance that my mind wouldn't let me process.

"Bella, you need to move!" I vaguely heard Carlisle demand, but it almost sounded like I was hearing him from under water. "Esme, call an ambulance. Emmett, move her!"

A pair of strong hands grabbed a hold of me, and somehow I was lifted out of the bathroom, and placed on something cushy. Getting me out of the bathroom was enough to knock some kind of sense into me, and I began to comprehend what was happening...

 _Edward was dying._

I understood it, but that didn't stop the world from spinning around me. There was a phantom darkness trying to devour me, and the last thing I saw was Carlisle, desperately begging Edward to come back as he was administering CPR. Then my entire world went black…


	21. Guilt

**Chapter 21 – Guilt**

"Bella… Bella, wake up, sweetheart," I heard Carlisle say, so I reluctantly opened my eyes.

"Is… Is Edward?"

"There's no change, and there won't be for a while at least," Carlisle said softly.

There was a sudden sharp pain in my neck from the way I had been lying in that horrible chair, so I reached up with the intent to rub out the kink, but that was when I noticed my red stained skin, and decided it was best to keep my hands down.

"Bella," Carlisle said with a sigh. "You need to go home. "You fainted a bit ago, and I know that was just from stress and… the shock over what happened, but you need to rest."

I shook my head steadily. "I can't go. Not until…"

"He's in a coma, Bella. He lost a lot of blood. We don't know how long he wasn't breathing for, so we won't know if there's any brain damage until he wakes up, which won't be for a while. You need to go home and shower. You are covered in blood. It's scaring the other visitors on this floor. Emmett just came back from showering a few minutes ago. He said he would drive you home, and then bring you back when you're ready."

I shook my head again. "I need to be here for Alice," I said in a shaky voice.

"She's still sedated," he said; his voice breaking at the end, just the smallest amount. "And she certainly doesn't need to wake up and see you like that. Esme is with her. You need to go get cleaned up."

Of all of the screaming I had heard from her in my life, none of it compared to the blood curdling shrill that exploded out of her when she walked into that bedroom and saw her father trying to revive her son. It was a pain no one should ever have to bear. Her pain wasn't just emotional, it became physical as she thrashed around in violent convulsions that were sure to only get her hurt, so they had no choice but to sedate her. We all dreaded having to wake her back up.

"Bella… go home, take a shower," he said again when I still didn't move. "I'm sure you probably need to call into work too. Emmett is sitting in there with Edward right now, but he said he's more than willing to take you home."

I meant to comply and get up so I could leave, but I found myself frozen. I just kept staring at my bloodied hands, which were currently folded in my stiff, red stained lap. The numbness and shock from the incident had began to wean, and I suddenly became so incredibly angry.

"Carlisle… Why does Edward believe you never loved him?" I asked evenly. I never thought that was true, but as I scanned through my memories, I had to admit, Carlisle in particular, definitely seemed to have been distant towards Edward over the past several years, and I needed to know why. I needed to know every little possible thing that could have added to where we currently were. We all shared some of the blame, and I just wanted to hear him admit his.

"Why do you think Edward believes that?" Carlisle asked quietly.

"Because he told me. When we were on the road together, he talked about how you never cared about him. Why does he think that? Is it true? Did you maybe… look at him, and see the man who hurt Alice?" I asked emotionally.

Carlisle let out a heavy sigh, and then took the seat next to me, looking more like a broken shadow of a man than the stoic doctor I always knew him to be.

"No, of course that's not true," he said, obviously trying to choke back his emotions. "I love that boy… so much. Maybe even too much."

"Too much?" I asked confused. When Carlisle didn't explain right away, I changed direction. "If you really do love him, then why does he think you don't?" I asked, desperate for some kind of answer.

"I didn't… I never meant for him to not know… but I guess I understand it now. We had to pull back. Maybe we shouldn't have, but at the time, we thought we were doing what was right… what we were told was right."

"I don't understand," I said honestly.

He swallowed roughly, and then took a deep breath. "When Alice first came home, and we leaned about Edward… or Teddy, as she called him…"

"If she named him Teddy, where did the name 'Edward' come from?" I cut in.

"The social workers who had him for awhile changed his name. They thought Teddy was too informal, and I guess he liked it. He asked us to call him that. Alice resisted it for a long time, but after a while, she gave in because it was what he wanted."

I nodded in understanding. "Okay… So, when you learned about Edward?" I asked, trying to get back to what he was telling me.

Carlisle took another deep breath, and then continued. "When we were first told Alice had a child, I was so scared. A part of me was hoping they'd find a reason we couldn't bring him home, because I was terrified I'd look at him and see that monster, but… nothing could be further from the truth. Esme and I fell in love with him right from the first time we saw him. He was so scared, and innocent, and beautiful. That monster wasn't inside him anywhere; all we could see was Alice, and us, and immense love. He was always meant to be in our family. Always."

"Then what changed?" I asked confused.

"Nothing changed. I still… I still love him so much, and maybe I've always tried to protect him too much, maybe I let him get away with things I would never let Emmett get away with. I always meant to treat them the same, but I was always so scared that I would say or do something that would frighten him, so I just… never wanted to discipline him. I never wanted him to be in pain, or to struggle with anything. I just wanted to give him everything because that poor little innocent child had suffered enough. It killed me just thinking about everything he endured at such a young age."

"But that's different than distancing yourself from him. He said you hardly ever talked to him anymore," I questioned, just not understanding any of it.

Carlisle nodded. "When he first came home after the social workers separated him from Alice, he was… so scared, and… angry. He didn't understand anything. He was so confused and fragile looking. Esme and I wanted to just.. hold him until all that hurt disappeared. We wanted to make him believe he was safe with us… but Alice… she needed to be the one to do that. She needed him, and because he had been taken from her so traumatically, she had a hard time… even just letting him out of her reach. She wanted to keep him locked away in her room all the time. She suddenly wouldn't trust any of us, or allow us to even see him. She made a new basement for them in her room, and it just… wasn't healthy for either of them."

"So, you separated them?" I asked angrily.

"No. God, no. The therapists all told us to give it time, and eventually she would learn to trust us with him… so that's what we did. We allowed her to keep him locked in there with her. He would hide in the closet when we would bring them food, and she… she thought that was okay, because to her, that's where he was the safest. It went on for too long, and we were starting to get worried that she wasn't getting better... but then there was you."

"Me?" I asked surprised and confused.

He nodded. "Alice trusted you. You filled the void Edward left for those months when social services wouldn't let us see him. You were about the same size as him, and you were so happy and bubbly… You made Alice's wait for him just a little more bearable. She loved you right away, so when your little five year old curious self wanted to go in to visit Alice, she let you… and when you figured out there was another kid in the house to play with, that's all you wanted to do."

"She let me play with Edward in their room," I said, suddenly remembering it as he was telling me.

Carlisle nodded again. "Edward was shy around you at first – apparently he had been bullied by some of the other kids at the group home he was in while we were waiting to bring him home, but you would sit in that closet with him for hours, and you just thought it was a game. You eventually got him to play. You would bring all your toys and games into the room, and you'd just spend all day in there with them. It was the first time he got to act like a normal kid. It was… truly wonderful. Esme and I were so grateful for you. We were starting to worry he would never get better, but you were like a miracle to us."

"I remember," I said softly.

"But you were five, and being stuck inside a room all day got old, so you tried to get him to go outside with you, but Alice… she wouldn't have it. You would still go and play with him in there, but it wasn't all day like you did in the beginning, and… he would watch you out the window, and I think he started to get… resentful. Alice was just so scared, but when he started lashing out and getting angry, she finally realized that she couldn't keep him locked up in there like that anymore. It was a hard time. She would have such bad anxiety attacks, that eventually, she had to give us a little trust so we could watch him outside, because she was smothering him, and she knew it. It was very brave of her to do that, and we finally had hope for the both of them… and that only happened because of you."

"So how did you watching him play outside, morph into him thinking you were his parents?"

"Alice's compulsion to shield him from everything was too strong, so… she made the agonizing decision to take a step back. She needed to try to control those urges, and at that point, Edward was starting to act out against her. He pulled away every time she reached for him, and he would scream when she tried taking him to her room for any reason. Alice understood it, and she felt so guilty that she withdrew into herself quite a bit… He followed you around constantly. Whatever you did, wherever you went, he wanted to go to; everywhere except when you spent time with Alice. I don't know, it was like he was just so worried she would lock him inside again."

"So… he just forgot it all?" I asked, still having a hard time comprehending it.

Carlisle shrugged. "I don't know. He pulled away from her, and she held herself back from him, and eventually he started copying Emmett and called us mom and dad, and poor Alice just sat by and watched it happen. We wanted to correct him, but those doctors… Those damn doctors had us convinced, but even worse, they had Alice convinced that it was for the best. Nobody outside the family knew he was really hers, so it was easy. We just assumed it would all work itself out, or maybe we just told ourselves that."

"So then how did you guys being his parents, change into you withdrawing yourself from him? It's like you did a one-eighty. Why?"

"It happened slowly over time. The older Edward got, the more he distanced himself from Alice, and Esme and I could see how much pain she was in. It killed us. She had suffered so much, we just wanted to fix it. We wanted to find a way to reconnect them. We decided on our own that it was best to try to pull back from our assumed roles as his parents, and hope their relationship would somehow mend itself naturally. We were trying to help her, and all that ended up happening was both of them retreated even further away emotionally. I didn't even realize it had gone that far until this past year, and by then… we were just so lost that we didn't know how to dig ourselves out."

"Why didn't you just sit him down and explain everything?" I asked bitterly.

"We thought it would make everything worse. Bella, I wish I had some kind of explanation that makes sense - that could justify everything we did and didn't do, but honestly, we just had no idea what we were doing. Every possible choice seemed like the wrong choice. If we came on too strong, it was wrong, if we backed off, it was wrong. We couldn't tell him the truth because all the doctors said it would only damage him, but not telling him ended up being so much worse. We were so clueless. It was so hard. All we wanted was to get the two of them in a good secure place, but it seemed what was good for one of them, pushed the other away, and vice versa. We were so lost… We're still so lost, and now…" he let his words cut off as he choked on his own tears.

I never saw Carlisle cry before, but he couldn't hold it in anymore, and I found myself reaching over to comfort him. I was so angry for what I thought was an obvious wrongdoing on their part, but perhaps it wasn't so black and white after all. It was easy to judge the situation from the outside looking in, but without being in their shoes, it was impossible to really know what the right choices would have been.

Carlisle quickly tried to pull himself together, and then he turned to look at me intensely.

"You can't possibly imagine how… painful it is to me, hearing you say Edward felt unloved. God knows how much we love him. I can't even put it into words…. I love Alice and Emmett as much as any parent has ever loved their child, but as much as I tried to love Edward the same, it just wasn't the same. It wasn't less or more, it was just different…. I worshiped him, Bella," he said intensely. "Right from the beginning; from the moment I first saw him. His life gave Alice a reason to keep fighting for all those years. He was the reason that horrible man even kept her alive… I worshiped him," he said again with reverence. "I don't know how else to describe how much I loved him… How much I will always love him, and it kills me knowing he doesn't feel it."

"Well, you could have at least told him you loved him from time to time. You could have given Alice a chance to get close to him, and still showed him you loved him. It has to be possible to do both."

Carlisle nodded in agreement. "I honestly, never realized he was feeling that way. I didn't realize I was pushing him that far away. I didn't realize a lot of things, and I made so many mistakes, and I don't know how to make it all right again – or for the first time, I should say. I suppose it's never been right… All this is my fault, and I don't know how to fix it," he said despairingly.

I sighed. "Its not all your fault," I told him feeling a wave of my own guilt. "I knew he wasn't in a good place, I shouldn't have pushed him. He was fine. He was just going to get a drink; I should have let him," I said, getting increasingly more upset as I realized that I was the one who set him off. He was already damaged, but I was the one who finally broke him.

"Bella, what are you talking about? You found him. He would have been beyond help if you didn't get to him when you did. By morning it would have been too late. You saved his life."

I shook my head no, and wiped the moisture from my face. "I was with him… in his room, before it happened. We were talking, and I was angry that he left. I felt like I had to confront him about it, and I needed him to know… If I had just left him alone like he asked, he would have been fine. He would have gotten his drink, and then went back to bed. He would have been fine."

"Bella, he wasn't fine. I knew he was depressed. I tried to get him help, but it was the wrong help. This is my fault; you did absolutely nothing wrong."

"Yes, I did!" I cried. "I told him I'm pregnant, and when he asked me to get an abortion, I said no. He freaked out. He said he had evil blood, and the baby would too. This is my fault. I should have just… I don't know."

Carlisle stared at me confused for a few moments, and then he must have realized exactly what I was saying. "You're pregnant?" he murmured.

I wiped my face again, and then nodded.

"And… it's Edward's?"

I nodded again.

"Oh boy," he said with a heavy sigh. "I guess we were wrong about the two of you too. It never even occurred to us that your relationship had… developed that way. My god, we've been so blind about everything… But Bella, you have to know, even if Edward was upset about this, what he did to himself is still not your fault. He must have been having suicidal thoughts before, and his therapist missed it… I missed it. This is on me, not you. Not even a little bit. If anything, you probably kept him from doing this sooner."

I shook my head in disagreement. I knew I would always carry guilt over that night, and no one could say anything to change that.

"A baby," Carlisle said contemplatively, while staring at the door in front of us. "You're both so young. It's not something you can take lightly."

"I'm not," I said assuredly. "You think I'd ever go back to work at Newton Grocery if I didn't have to? I know I need to figure out something long term, but for now I'm just trying to save as much money as possible."

"Oh, sweetheart, you know you don't have to worry about money. We will take care of everything you and the baby need."

"Why? It's not your baby, it's mine. I need to be able to provide for it."

Carlisle nodded. "You do, but maybe the best way of doing that is letting us help you for now, until you can figure out something long term. This doesn't need to stop you from going to college. The best way for you to take care of that baby, is for you to work towards an actual career. Maybe, by the time the baby is born, Edward will be able to…"

"No!" I cut him off. "I told him he didn't have to worry about it, and I meant it. He just needs to concentrate on getting better and taking care of himself."

"But eventually…"

"I can't think about what may or may not happen eventually, and I can't keep going to your house anymore. I told Edward I'd leave him alone, because that's what he asked me to do."

"But is it what he needs?" Carlisle questioned. "He keeps running away, and I know that's something I created in him by not opening up about everything, but it needs to stop. He can't heal if he's always running. You didn't make that baby on your own. He needs to take responsibility."

"He can't do anything until he gets better," I said quietly.

"You're right about that. I'm afraid it's not going to be fast or easy. People who make suicide attempts are forced to go to a treatment facility. Then he will have to finish his sentence, and I don't see them letting him continue with the house arrest program. He's going to be away for awhile," he said regretfully.

"I know."

"But you can count on us. You're not in this alone… That is, if your dad doesn't kill me," he said with a heavyhearted laugh.

"Why would he be mad at you over this?" I asked confused.

"You certainly didn't get pregnant at his house."

I bit my bottom lip. "I didn't get pregnant at yours either. I'm fairly certain it was while we were on that road trip," I admitted awkwardly.

"I see," he said quietly. "So that would make you around thirteen weeks. Have you been to an OB?"

I shook my head no.

"Bella, you need to see a doctor. Especially now since you just fainted a bit ago. I thought you were just overwhelmed, but you shouldn't take any chances. Why don't I go see if the on staff OB can give you a quick check to make sure everything is okay?"

I considered it for a moment, and then reluctantly nodded. I was terrified of the very idea of having a real OB check; perhaps that was just one more reason I was putting off telling everyone, but Carlisle was right. I needed to make sure the baby was healthy, especially after fainting, and all the stress over what had just happened. I had to believe Edward was going to be okay, so I needed to be an adult, and focus on taking care of the little life inside of me...


	22. Coming Clean

**Chapter 22 – Coming Clean**

"Good morning, I'm Doctor Kebi. Nice to meet you," a woman said as she entered the exam room, where I was currently lying on the bed naked, with nothing but a scratchy blue paper robe to cover me.

I couldn't speak, so I just forced a smile and a nod hello. My freshly washed hands were clinched so tight that they were actually starting to hurt, and Dr. Kebi noticed.

"I know this must be nerve-wracking for you. Going to any doctor can be a bit scary, but checking your pregnancy for the first time is terrifying. Trust me, you're not alone in thinking that. Just try to relax as best as you can."

I nodded again.

"So, Isabella…"

"Ju-Just Bella," I corrected her, though because I was so scared, I stuttered, and my voice almost sounded foreign to me in an odd way.

"Okay, Bella. Doctor Cullen told me a little about what's going on. He said you think you're about thirteen weeks pregnant?"

I nodded again.

"Okay," he paused for a moment. "Bella, have you ever been to an OBGYN before?"

"Yeah… a few months ago… or, I guess it was almost a year ago now – nine or ten months ago," I said nervously, unsure exactly how long it had been. "I was put on birth control."

"The daily pill form?"

"Yes."

"I see, and so… did you stop taking it suddenly, or… were you on an antibiotic that caused the pill to become ineffective?" she questioned.

"I-uh, left suddenly on a trip for about a week, and I didn't bring them, so…"

"Okay. And you haven't had a period or bled since? Sometimes an abrupt hormone change like stopping the pill can cause periods to be missed or delayed. Have you taken an home pregnancy test?"

Once again, I nodded.

"Okay. So, why don't you lie back, so I can check you out. Feet in the stirrups please," she instructed while pulling gloves over her hands. "This may feel a little uncomfortable, but it shouldn't hurt, Ok? I just need to feel your uterus."

I did as I was told, and basically bit down hard on the inside of my cheek anxiously, while trying to keep my discomfort to myself. I had an internal exam like that once before, but just because I kind of knew how it was going to feel, didn't make it any easier.

"Your uterus is definitely enlarged, and so far everything is looking good," she said before allowing me to sit up a bit. "Dr. Cullen mentioned that you fainted? Fainting can be common in pregnancy, especially early on, but we still like to check out the baby to make sure everything is okay. I'm going to do a quick ultrasound, and then you should be on your way, but you need to set up an appointment with your regular OB as soon as possible."

"Okay," I mumbled nervously, and then waited for her to get the machine set up. She darkened the room so we could see the monitor better, and then she squeezed some warm gel on my stomach.

"There it is," she said quietly as she looked at the screen. "Here." She turned a nob, and suddenly a soft but quick thumping filled the room. It was quite possibly the most amazing sound I ever heard in my life. "See it? That little peanut in the center is your baby. You can see the little flashing? That's the heart."

"I see it," I said, with my own heart racing and a tear streaming down my cheek.

Edward may have been repulsed by the idea of his baby inside me, but I couldn't think of anything more incredible. That little flashing on the screen was a human heart. A heart he and I had created out of our love. It was the most amazing thing in the universe, and I was so immensely grateful for it. Edward may have taken my heart with him when he left, but he gave me a new one in return. I wasn't sure if I could have gotten through everything that happened that day alone, but knowing he was still there with me, inside of me, it gave me all the motivation I would ever need to keep going.

"You look to be right at thirteen weeks," Dr. Kebi told me. "I don't see anything to worry about from your fainting spell. Everything looks perfect."

"Thank you," I said emotionally.

She reiterated that I needed to make an appointment with my regular doctor, and then she surprised me by handing me a clean change of clothes.

"Most of the doctors here keep clean clothes in their lockers just in case. Doctor Cullen asked around and found some stuff that should fit you."

"Thank you," I said graciously. As much as I loved Edward, and would never be grossed out by his blood, the idea of putting my clothes back on that were stiff with dried blood, was extremely unappealing, so I was grateful for anything I could get.

The doctor left, so I got dressed quickly, and was surprised to see Esme waiting for me anxiously in the hall.

"Uh… hi," I said awkwardly.

I briefly wondered if Carlisle had told her about the baby, but as I watched her face break into an emotional smile, and tears immediately poured down her face, I didn't have to wonder anymore because it was obvious she knew.

"Oh, Bella!" she cried as she wrapped me securely in her arms. She was the only mother figure I had ever known, so to be held by her in that way, in that moment, felt so good, and I broke down and cried with her. Carlisle knew I needed a mom right then, and I was so incredibly grateful for both of them.

I wasn't alone after all. It was a relief that was beyond measure.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" Esme finally managed to ask after she gained control of her sobs.

"I think I will be," I said honestly. "Carlisle told you about…?" I knew she knew, but I was just checking to be certain.

"About the baby?" She asked emotionally. I nodded, so she hugged me again. "Yes, he told me. Honey, everything is going to be okay. We're going to help you with anything you need."

"So… you're not mad?" I asked, surprised I hadn't been lectured by either her or Carlisle at that point. Then again, given the circumstance, it was probably hard to even really focus on it. Perhaps they'd be more angry if they had time to let it all sink in.

"Mad?" she replied with confusion. "Oh, no honey, of course we're not mad. We're concerned because you're so young, and knowing everything you're going to have to do without Edward makes us a little sad, but… a baby is always a blessing. I just honestly didn't know you two were… _you two_. You know what I mean?"

"Edward was so upset when I told him, and then he did this," I said while gesturing to my bloody clothes that I was carrying in a bag the doctor gave me. "Its my fault. I should have waited to tell him when he was in a better head space."

"No, Bella. It's not your fault, honey. Edward's been having a hard time lately… In fact, I think he's always had a hard time. But he needed to know. We just have to find a way to help him get better so he can be there for you and the baby."

I shook my head. "He doesn't want it. He asked me to get an abortion. I told him he wouldn't have to worry about it, and I meant it. I'm going to make sure I give him all the space he needs, for as long as he needs it."

Esme looked at me full of sadness. "We can wait and see how he feels after he gets back from the treatment facility. He may have a change of heart."

I took a deep breath in an attempt to keep myself from crying again. "I don't think so. He was pretty adamant."

"Honey, I'm sorry. He's just… so lost right now."

"I know," I murmured.

"But if there's anything about Edward that I'm sure of, it's that he loves you," she said softly. "He's always loved you. We weren't aware that your relationship had grown to the level of baby making, but we knew his feelings for you ran incredibly deep. It was always sad for us to watch you two seem to drift apart these past few years, but… we always hoped you would rekindle that special bond you once had… and I suppose you did for a while."

"I love him very much," I said sincerely. "But… he built this stone wall around himself, and I don't know how to break it down."

"Don't give up on him, Bella. He will get better. I know he will."

I nodded. "I hope so… and I'm not giving up on him, but… I can't keep holding on either. I just need to focus on doing what's best for the baby, and myself."

"That's a good thing to do. And we will help you with whatever you need. We really do love you, Bella. You've always been a part of our family, and even if that wasn't my grandbaby in your belly, we would still love you and support you unconditionally."

"Thank you, Esme. That means a lot."

She took a deep breath. "Now you're going to have to do the hard part, and tell your dad about all of this as soon as he gets back from his trip."

"Yeah, I'm really not looking forward to that," I replied with a sigh.

"He loves you even more than we do. I'm sure it'll all turn out okay. It's just a shock for any father to hear his baby girl is going to be a momma; doesn't matter if you're eighteen or thirty eight."

I giggled. "I suppose so."

"Now, go home and rest. I'll keep you posted on Edward's progress."

"What about Alice?" I asked concerned. "I should be here when she wakes up. I can get her to calm down sometimes."

"Nothing is going to calm her down until she knows for sure Edward is going to be okay… And so far, his vitals are looking good, and he has a lot of brain activity showing up on the monitors, so… we are confident he will pull through this… physically anyway."

I nodded in agreement. "I'm sorry, Esme. I know this whole baby thing is a stress no one needs on top of everything happening with Edward."

She smiled sweetly at me. "Like a said, a baby is a blessing. It's just a little light in all the darkness. Trust me."

"Okay," I said, feeling fractionally better.

She finally convinced me to go let Emmett take me home, but the ride there was awkward due to the way Emmett kept eyeballing me.

"What?" I finally asked after he almost ran a stop sign.

"Did I overhear my mom telling you something about a baby being a blessing?" he asked suspiciously.

"Wow, didn't know you were the eavesdropping type," I semi joked.

"I wasn't trying to listen to your conversation, but I couldn't help but be curious when I'm sitting in a hospital, after my little brother just tried to kill himself, and somehow you two started talking about babies. What the hell is that about?"

"I'm pregnant," I said bluntly. "Your mom was just trying to comfort me."

"Oh, god. You have got to be kidding me!" Emmett said with disdain.

"I know it's a horrible time with everything, but…"

"Is there ever a good time?" Emmett cut me off. "I mean, now you're going to be stuck with that asshole for the rest of your life. Like, seriously Bella! I don't mean to be a dick, but I was honestly hoping you were finally done with Mike. But I guess I should have known when you started working at his stupid grocery store again."

"Emmett…"

"Look, I'm sorry, okay. I love you and all, and I'll love your baby, but Mike is a douchebag with a capital D."

"The baby is Edward's," I told him.

Emmett suddenly slammed on his breaks, and then just stared at me dumbfounded.

"Surprise! You're going to be an uncle," I said awkwardly, not knowing what else to say, given the way he just kept staring at me. "Well, I guess you'll be it's great uncle. You're technically Edward's uncle, so…"

"When the hell did you and Edward, become… you and Edward?" he asked slowly.

"We've always been me and Edward," I told him, realizing just how true that statement was. Reminiscing with Carlisle about our early childhood, made me realize just how close and just how meant to be we had always been. We simply got a little lost along the way. "But, I guess we didn't really cross that line until… more recently."

I actually felt bad that everyone was finding out the truth about the baby right then, since I promised Edward he wouldn't have to worry about it. He was going to have a hard enough time trying to get better, but now he was going to have his entire family pressuring him to take responsibility for it. It was a stress I didn't think he needed at the moment. But still, lying or being dishonest about one's true parentage could only be a bad thing, and we all learned that the hard way from what happened with Edward and Alice.

"So… you're having a baby," Emmett said absently, still in shock. As he began driving again, he started rambling to himself. "First Edward is my nephew, and now Bella and Edward are having a baby together. That's so freaking weird. I feel like I'm living in the _Twilight Zone_. Everything's all messed up in an incestuous hillbilly way. Man-oh-man. As soon as Edward is better, Charlie is going to kill him. Edward and Bella are having a baby. I just can't believe it," he repeated, as if he was having a hard time letting it sink in. "Man-oh-man. What's the world coming to?"

"The world is definitely a strange place," I agreed.

"Bella… since you and Edward embarked on a wildly inappropriate relationship… do you have any more insight into what the hell would cause him to… you know?"

I sighed. "I wish I knew, Em. He wasn't happy about the baby, but... I told him he didn't have to worry about it, and then he seemed okay enough. I thought it was something I did or said, but your parents keep telling me it's not my fault, so… I just don't know."

"He never told you he was thinking about hurting himself?"

"No, not specifically. He said he hated himself, but… he's been in therapy. I thought it would help. I guess we all made wrong assumptions."

"He has to get better. We all need him; especially Alice… and now you and your baby apparently. Gah! I can't believe you and Edward even did the nasty. That's just gross. Like, why would you want to do that with him? I mean, he's a good looking kid and all, and I'm sure kissing a toad would be better than Newton, but… Edward? Thought you two were like siblings the way you are both with me. I love you, Bella, and I think you're beautiful and all, but I would never, ever, ever, even think about going there with you. Just… yuck. _Redneck – hillbilly - yuck!_ "

"Well, no offense or anything, but I'd never go there with you either. That's just…" I shook my head disturbed.

"Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You're like my sister, so why is Edward not like your brother?"

I sighed. "I don't know. We were just never like that with each other."

"But you used to be hella close back in the day. You grew up hella close, so how does that family like closeness turn into you guys screwing? Because that's just freaking weird."

"Emmett, I don't know how to explain it," I said honestly. "But my feelings for him have always been different than everyone else in your family. They just have."

"But, it wasn't even four months ago that you two were fighting like a couple of stray cats. You've hated each other for a while now."

"We never hated each other," I disagreed. "Its like… we knew we were supposed to see each other the way everyone else saw us… like siblings, or whatever, but we didn't. So it was confusing, and we sort of just… started fighting all the time because it was easier than admitting how we really felt."

"So… what you're saying is that you really like him, like him. – Like, if he was right in the head and all, you'd be a real couple. Like, you're not just two teens who were left alone with overactive hormones and you were dumb and didn't use protection so now you're knocked up?" he asked in a rush. "You would really be a real couple? Like he'd be your boyfriend, and you'd hold hands, and go on dates, and all that crap?"

I laughed once. "Uh… it definitely wasn't just a teen hormone driven thing. I love him the way your mom loves your dad. I know it's weird for you, but it's very real for me, or it was real, I should say. We were very much a couple on that road trip."

"So, even though you're both hella young, like one day you might actually get married? Like for real?"

"I do love him, and I know I always will, but as far as ever marrying him..." I shook my head no.

Emmett glanced at me with confusion. "Why not? If you're really in love with him, why would you never marry him? I mean, I get that he's a little screwed up right now, but I'm talking about in the future."

I shook my head no again. "That's not going to happen for us."

"That's kind of fucked up since you're having his baby and all."

"The reason I can't ever marry him, is because I'm having his baby," I told him. "He doesn't want it. He wants me to get an abortion, and I cant…" I let my words trail off as I tried to choke back my emotions. I couldn't even fathom the idea of getting an abortion when I first found out I was pregnant, but after actually seeing and hearing it's little heart beating, there was absolutely no way. It was an impossibility for me.

"Bella, he's just not in a good head space right now. When he's better, I'm sure…"

"I told him I'd leave him alone. Even when he gets better, he still wants to leave. After he's done with his sentence and treatment program, he's going to disappear again."

"Maybe he wont."

"He will," I said assuredly. If or when Edward did decide to return to the family, it certainly wouldn't be anytime soon.

"I'm sorry, Bella," Emmett said quietly.

"Me too," I said, though I wasn't really sure what either of us were apologizing for.

Em took me to his house so I could get cleaned up, and since my truck was still there, I told him he could go back to the hospital to be with his family. I planned to just grab my keys and head to my dad's house, but for whatever reason, I found myself absently walking up the stairs, and into Edward's room.

"My god," I said, no louder than a breath. The room was a mess from how many people had been in there - The entire family, plus the EMTs who basically knocked over everything as they rushed to get to Edward. The room sincerely looked like a storm had gone through there, and in a way, I guess one had.

Despite the fact they had a maid, I didn't want to take the chance of Alice coming home to see that, so I decided to pick up as much as possible. I cleaned up all the broken glass from various things that had been knocked over. I put his CDs and DVDs back on the shelf. I straightened out his nightstand, and rearranged his bookshelf.

But then there was the bathroom.

I almost vomited when I peeked inside. It looked like a horrible crime scene from some movie, and just knowing all that blood was from Edward was absolutely sickening. There was so much blood. I didn't even know how he could have survived losing that much.

I wanted to call their maid and ask her to help clean it up, because I honestly didn't think I could stomach it, but then I took a deep breath, and went to grab some paper towels and bleach – well, a lot of paper towels and bleach.

It took me almost two hours to get the bathroom looking a little less like a horror film, but even with how long I cleaned for, I knew they would probably still be finding small amounts of blood splattered in there for some time.

When the bathroom was as clean as I could possibly make it, I looked down at myself and realized that I was, once again, covered in Edward's blood. It was a tough thing to deal with, and I actually just stood there for several long minutes, completely frozen as I took in my blood stained image in the bathroom mirror.

"Oh, Edward. How did we get here?" I asked with a sigh.

Less than six months prior we were trying to avoid each other whenever possible, and there I was, pregnant with his baby, and cleaning up his suicide attempt. It had been a whirlwind. A complete and utter whirlwind of love and pain and total destruction. I finally understood what Socrates meant by –' _The hottest love has the coldest end.'_ It was all almost too much to bear.

I peeled off my bloodied clothes for the second time that day, but this time I did it in his bathroom while watching myself in the mirror. I stood there naked, and stared at myself for a long time, just lost in the depths of my mind. My still flat stomach would soon balloon out, and my small curves would widen. Would I even recognize my own body anymore? Would I recognize anything about myself at all? I had already changed so much since the moment I jumped into Edward's car that fateful day, and I couldn't help but wonder if it was all worth it.

Eventually I managed to force myself into the shower, and I stood in the hot downpour for a long time, as I continued to contemplate my existence. I felt so lost. I had truly believed Edward was my future. It was dumb and naïve, but it didn't make it any less real. How could I move on without him? I knew it was what I had to do, but knowing something and actually doing it were two different things.

When I stayed in the shower for so long that the hot water ran out, I finally turned it off, and because I was fairly cold by then, I walked into Edward's closet, grabbed some of his sweats, and then crawled into his bed to try to warm up. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes to total darkness, and the sound of my dad calling my name.

As hard as it was telling the Cullens about my pregnancy, I knew telling my dad was going to be ten times worse. But I couldn't put it off any longer. It was time to finally come clean about everything...


	23. Misconceptions

**Chapter 23 – Misconceptions**

I quickly jumped out of Edward's bed, and rushed down the stairs so my dad wouldn't come looking for me.

"Hey. You're back early," I said as I greeted him with a hug.

"Of course I'm back early. Carlisle called me and told me what happened. I've been trying to reach you on your cell phone. What are you doing in the dark?"

"Uh… Sorry, I must have fallen asleep a couple hours ago," I said honestly while flipping on the living room light.

"Emmett said you told him you were going home, but you weren't there," he questioned.

"You saw Emmett?" I asked surprised.

"Yeah, I went straight to the hospital. Then he told me you were going home, so I went there and couldn't find you."

"Sorry… I meant to go home, but I thought it would be helpful if I cleaned up a little so Alice wouldn't have to come home and see all the blood," I said, deciding there was no reason to not be honest anymore.

"Carlisle said you were the one who found him. Are you okay? I can't imagine what that was like to walk into."

"It was pretty horrible," I confirmed.

"So, he slit his wrists with a razor?" Charlie questioned.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, in the hopes of avoiding that traumatic memory, but it was of no use. I knew the image of Edward's lifeless form in a pool of blood would be burned in my retinas for the rest of my life.

"Dad… can we just go home?" I asked, suddenly feeling exhausted again, despite just waking up.

"Of course, sweetheart. Let's go."

I turned the light back off, and then followed my dad out the front door.

"Want to come in my car?" he asked. "We can come back for your truck tomorrow."

"I'm fine to drive. I'd rather just get it home so we don't have to mess with it."

Charlie looked at me funny, clearly confused as to why I would want to avoid returning the following day, but I did my best to dismiss it by just getting into my truck, and starting the engine.

When we got home, my heart began to race, and I seriously considered putting off that necessary talk until the next morning, but with everything that had happened, I suppose it was best to just get it over with.

"So… uh, how long are you going to be home for?" I asked him nervously, as we walked into the kitchen. I sat at the table as he grabbed himself a beer, which was probably a good thing. Having a little alcohol could only make my news a little easier on him.

"Well, I'm smack dab in the middle of this case right now, but after Carlisle called me, I just needed to come home to support them, and make sure you were okay," he said as he came to sit across from me. "But I will need to go back as soon as I can. Maybe tomorrow, or the next day at the latest."

"Well, I'm fine, so you don't need to stay for me," I tried assuring him.

"Sweetheart, I know how traumatizing walking in on something like that can be, so I'm going to see about making you an appointment with a therapist. You need to talk to a professional, otherwise it may haunt you for a long time."

"I'm still feeling a little numb to it all," I admitted.

"That's completely normal, which is why you need to talk to someone."

I nodded in agreement. "When you were at the hospital a little bit ago, did you go in to see Edward?"

"No. They only allow two visitors at a time, and I doubt Alice will leave his side any time soon, so I didn't want to get in the way."

"Alice is awake?" I asked surprised.

"Yeah. I didn't see her since she was in the room, but they said she's staying strong. She's a lot tougher than she looks. Carlisle has to keep telling her he's going to be okay, so she's trying hard to believe him. Apparently she's been glued to his side since she woke up, which is understandable."

I nodded. "Dad… I need to talk to you about something," I said, suddenly feeling like I wanted to throw up."

"Sure. You know you can talk to me about anything. What's up?"

"Okay, here it goes…" I took a deep breath, and then just let it all out in a rush – "I'm pregnant, and no, it's not Mike's. I told Carlisle, and he was very supportive and said he'd take care of whatever I needed and I should still go to college, and then he told Esme and everything is crazy right now but I'm going to do whatever it takes. I know you're probably mad, and Carlisle said you were going to kill him, but this is my decision, and I'm keeping the baby, so I don't want you to blame anyone but me."

I took another deep breath, and just held it in as I braced myself for Charlie to explode, but instead he remained calm. It was absolutely terrifying since he was never more dangerous than when he was calm.

"Dad? Say something," I begged when he did nothing except nod a few times to himself.

"Well, I don't think there's anything I can say at the moment," he said absently, before getting up, and heading for his gun holster hanging by the back door.

"Dad! What are you doing?" I asked in a panic.

"Carlisle was right. I'm going to kill him," he said slowly, before reaching for the door handle.

"Dad, stop! This isn't funny. He doesn't need you acting like this on top of everything going on with them right now."

"I know damn well this isn't funny. I'm not joking. I'm going to kill that son of a bitch!"

"Dad, you cant!" I cried out with confusion. If he was joking, he was extremely convincing.

"I can!" he shouted back at me abruptly. "I trusted him with you! After everything that happened to his daughter, I cant believe he had the sick perversion to rape mine!"

"What?" I asked, suddenly confused. I tried to think back to what I had told him that could have been misinterpreted to warrant his outlandish and erroneous reaction, and then it hit me. "Dad, no! Oh god, that's just gross. No, it's not Carlisle's baby," I said quickly.

"Its not? But you said…"

"No. Sorry, I wasn't clear. No, its… it's Edward's. Edward is my baby's father. I got pregnant on that trip we took. I've known for a little while now, but I guess I've just been too afraid to tell anyone. Edward was gone, and then he came back, and I finally told him, and then he tried to kill himself. So… I just keep thinking this is my fault. Carlisle and Esme both said it wasn't, but I'm just not so sure…" I said in a sniffling mess.

I had no idea if I was any clearer with that explanation, since I was quickly devoured by tears again, but I didn't know how else to say it. As long as Charlie was no longer jumping to the wrong conclusion and embarking on a homicidal warpath, I suppose it didn't really matter.

Charlie sighed, and then put his gun down on the table while sitting across from me again. "Bella… you and Edward were sleeping together?" he asked quietly. "How long has that been going on?"

"I just told you, it happened while we were on that road trip."

"And it never happened before then?"

"No. We were only together that week, and a few times after we got back, and that was it. He was gone, and I was here, and I've just been trying to figure out how I'm going to take care of everything."

"I made sure you were on birth control months ago. You've been on it since you started dating Mike," Charlie said, clearly still in shock, but he was definitely calmer than when he disturbingly thought I had been with Carlisle in that way.

"Yeah, but I didn't bring it with me when I left with Edward," I explained awkwardly.

"Bella… are you even sure it's Edward's? I mean, sometimes…"

"I never slept with Mike, or anyone else. It's Edward's. I'm certain."

Charlie sighed again, and then rubbed his eyes so hard I worried he'd gouge them out. "This is just a mess," he mumbled to himself. "You are way too young to be a mother, and Edward is in no position to help you with any of this."

"I know… I'm going to take care of it on my own. I don't know how I'm going to do everything just yet, but I'll figure it out. You don't have to worry about anything," I tried assuring him, while drying my face with the back of my hand. "Dad… I'm really sorry. I know this is not what you were expecting to hear tonight."

"Well, I suppose it could have been worse."

I raised my brows in surprise. "Yeah, it could have been Carlisle's baby," I teased him.

My dad huffed. "My god, Bella. You almost made me murder my best friend."

I smiled, but then quickly fell serious again. "I really am scared, dad. I have no idea how to take care of a baby."

"Oh, honey," he said while grabbing my hands over the table. "Its definitely a scary thing. This certainly isn't the path I was hoping for you, but… this is where your life is now, and I know everything is going to be okay."

"But what if I screw it up?" I asked worriedly.

"All parents make mistakes; god knows I've made my fair share. You will too, but you'll just keep moving forward, because there is simply no other choice. That's just part of being a parent. I'm going to do what I can to help you, and I'm sure the Cullens will too."

"They told me they would," I confirmed. "But this is my baby, so I need to figure out how to care for it myself."

"Bella, you just turned eighteen, and you don't have a partner. Edward isn't going to be able to help you with this."

"I know," I said quickly.

"So you're going to need help. I was over thirty years old when I became a single parent, and I still needed help. If we didn't move in with the Cullens after your mom died, I don't know what I would have done. You have to be able to count on others a little. This is going to be the hardest thing you've ever had to do. At your age…"

"It would have been hard at any age," I mumbled, but I disagreed with his statement wholeheartedly. Nothing could possibly be harder than finding Edward on the verge of death the way that I did. Becoming a single parent as a teenager would certainly not be easy by any means, but definitely not the hardest thing I ever had to do.

"And at any age, a single parent needs help," my dad reaffirmed.

"I know," I accepted.

Since it was late, and there was no changing the current situation, my dad told me I should go to bed, but as I went, I stopped and looked back and saw him with his head in his hands as if he was living his worst nightmare, so I couldn't help but go back over to him.

"Dad, I'm sorry," I said to him sincerely. "I know this is the worst thing you could possibly imagine as a parent…"

"Oh, Bella… I wish this was the worst thing I could imagine. I've actually been pretty lucky with you."

"You have?"

"After seeing everything Carlisle and Esme have gone through, I feel blessed. You're safe, and healthy, and that's all that really matters."

"I get it," I said understandingly. In comparison to a kidnapping or suicide attempt, I suppose a pregnancy was relatively minor.

Charlie shook his head. "You can't possibly get it until that baby is born. Only when you look into your child's eyes for the first time, will you truly understand what I'm talking about… and I pray the worst thing that ever happens to your kids is a pregnancy at eighteen. I'm still grateful for everything I have… but I do wish you would have waited to have a baby when you're older. It's going to be very hard for you," he reiterated.

"I know."

"No, you don't know… but you will soon enough. Now, go up to bed. I'm sure it's been a long day for you. Tomorrow I'm going to go talk to Carlisle and Esme about everything, and you need to talk to Alice. I'm assuming she doesn't know yet since she's been under sedation."

"Unless her parents or Emmett told her by now."

"Well, either way, I'm sure she would like to hear it from you."

"You're right. I'll see how she's doing tomorrow, and I'll talk to her about everything then," I decided, knowing it would be such a relief for everyone to finally know the truth once and for all.

I had a hard time sleeping that night, as my mind raced with everything that had happened over the past couple days. I suppose I was lucky to have such a supportive family, but I knew the road ahead was still going to be so incredibly hard. How was our family dynamic going to change? I would never keep the baby from the Cullens, but would it's presence in their lives prevent Edward from ever possibly returning home one day? I didn't want to give him another reason to alienate himself from his family, but what was the alternative?

 _If I was already that lost when it came to parenting, how the hell was I going to handle it after the baby was actually born?_

I tried to put it all out of my mind enough to let myself sleep, but before I knew it, the sun was rising through my window, and I felt like I hadn't slept in weeks. Regardless of feeling weak with exhaustion, however, I still dragged myself out of bed, and then got dressed and let my dad drive me to the hospital.

As we were heading towards the ICU, one of the hospital receptionists stopped us.

"Edward has been moved," she informed us. Since it was Carlisle's hospital, and everyone knew everyone in that small town, she knew who we were there to see, and exactly where to direct us to next. "He's in recovery upstairs. Room 304."

"He woke up from the coma?" I asked with a sudden jolt to my chest and a twist of my stomach. I knew he would wake up since Carlisle insisted he was stable and would be okay, but I was surprised it was so soon.

"Yeah, sometime last night. The Cullens told me to make sure you guys knew where they all were."

"Thanks Chelsea," Charlie said to her graciously.

We hurried to the elevator, but as we ascended, I became apprehensive. I promised Edward I would keep my distance, so why was I heading his way knowing how he felt?

The image of him slumped over in his own blood suddenly hit me violently again, except this time it was physically painful, and everything started spinning.

"Hey, what's wrong," my dad asked as I nearly fell into him.

"Nothing is wrong. I think I just need to get some air," I said as the elevator doors opened. I immediately went for the staircase so I could escape, and hurried down the three fights of stairs, and straight out of the building.

I couldn't get outside fast enough, and I honestly felt like I was going to hyperventilate.

"Bella? What's wrong?" I heard Carlisle's voice, so I turned around and saw him approach me from the hospital entrance.

"Noth-nothing," I forced out, completely lacking the ability to take a deep breath.

"Hold on now. Take it easy," he said slowly, clearly sensing my distress. "Sit on this bench, and just breathe for a minute. You're okay."

"Bella!" I heard my dad call as he rushed out to where we were. "What's going on?"

"I don't know. I just started getting dizzy, and my chest hurt," I managed to choke out as I continued to struggle with my breathing.

"Your pulse is a little high," Carlisle said as he was feeling my wrist. "When did the symptoms first start?"

"She started breathing heavy in the elevator going up to see Edward," my dad explained.

"You were feeling fine before that?" Carlisle questioned.

I nodded.

"Okay. Keep taking deep breaths."

I kept trying, and after a few moments, I felt like I was finally able to get enough air in my lungs, and I started to feel better.

"Should she get admitted? Is it something with the baby?" Charlie asked concerned.

Carlisle was quiet as he continued to feel my pulse, and then he sighed. "She's just about back to normal again. I think she had a panic attack," Carlisle told my dad.

"Huh?" I asked surprised.

"Renée used to get those," Charlie said with a sigh.

"Traumatic events can bring them on. She needs to rest, and get in to see a therapist as soon as possible," Carlisle told him.

"I'm sitting right here! You guys don't have to talk around me," I said, slightly bitter. "I'm fine. I just… needed some air," I said again.

"Bella, you need to go back home and rest for a couple days," Carlisle said to me. "I know it's impossible not to stress with everything happening right now, but you have to try."

"I need to go talk to Alice," I insisted. "I don't want her to be the only one not knowing about the baby."

"There's plenty of time for that," Carlisle tried calming me.

"You sure she doesn't need to get admitted?" my dad asked, still concerned.

"She's going to be fine. She just needs rest. It's been an extremely traumatizing twenty four hours, and she was already stressed out before that."

"How is Edward?" Charlie asked.

"He's okay… physically. He has a long road of mental and emotional recovery ahead of him," Carlisle said, sounding just as tired and warn out as I was feeling.

"Did he say anything? Any kind of insight as to why he did what he did?" Charlie asked carefully.

"He won't talk about it," Carlisle replied. "He's hardly talking at all. He keeps telling us to leave him alone, and he's ignoring Alice altogether."

"So… what's next for him?" Charlie then asked.

"Tomorrow he will be transferred to the mental health treatment facility where he will have to stay for the remainder of his sentence. I spent a couple hours yesterday on a conference call with the judge and my lawyer, just trying to make sure he's in the right place."

"What's left of his sentence? Six weeks, or so?" Charlie questioned.

Carlisle nodded. "Six weeks at the state mandated facility, and then I found a place in Canada that focuses on mental health for youth, ages sixteen to twenty one year olds."

"A hospital?" Charlie asked unsure.

"No, it's more like a camp up there in the woods. They do all sorts of outdoor activities, and group exercises. They sleep in cabins, and they all have to participate in cooking the food, and general maintenance of the grounds."

"Sounds like a reform school," I said bitterly. "Your answer to him trying to kill himself, is to send him away? How is that right?"

"I was actually looking into it before all this happened, and I think it's the best option for him now. Most of the kids there suffer from a variety of past traumas, so they have behavior specialists and psychologists amongst the counselors. No Wi-Fi, no internet, there's not even cell service. It's just a way for him to take some time to slow down, and focus on trying to get better."

"Oh, wait, I think I've heard of that place. It's in the Denali area, right?" my dad asked.

"Yeah, Dr. El recommended it. It's a twelve week program…"

"Twelve weeks?" I nearly spat.

"Bella, I know this is hard for you, given the situation you're in…"

"Its not about me! I told him he didn't have to worry about it, and I meant it. I just think that's a long time for him to be away at some camp."

"Its an intense program designed to completely alter his emotional and mental state. I really believe this will help him."

"I just don't understand how sending him away is going to help him?" I argued. "He's already been away. He was on his own for almost three months already. It didn't help him. He only got worse!"

"He was living alone on the streets," Carlisle disagreed. "This is entirely different."

"And he's still going to be alone," I pointed out. "Having a bunch of specialists and strangers around him isn't what he needs. He needs to know he's an important part of this family."

"Bella, he's been with us for thirteen years, and he's only dug himself into a deeper and deeper hole. We keep doing the wrong thing for him, and we've allowed him to hide from his past and himself for far too long."

"And how will sending him away help that?" I asked, honestly trying to understand.

"Because I've made special arrangements for him. Given the unique circumstance of his background, they've allowed Alice to go as well," Carlisle said, completely taking me aback. "She's older than all the kids there, but they're making an exception because of her history as well. She's going to be in the program, just like he will be. They're going together, and will be staying in their own cabin."

"But… won't that just be like when she used to lock him in her room?" I asked, trying to really consider if they were making the right decisions for them.

"She can't. Allowing them to bunk together will help reestablish the bond they once had, but she can't keep him locked up there. They have to attend the various activities, which some they will do together, and others they won't. So my hope is that it will give them a fresh start, and help both of them finally move forward in a healthy way... Bella, I don't know if this is the right or wrong thing to do; it'll probably just blow up in our face like everything else we've tried, but we have to do something. We have to keep trying. They have both been broken for a long time… long before he ran away from home. He came into the world in pieces, and all we can do is keep trying different things until finally something will stick."

I took a deep breath, and then nodded. Sending Edward away alone certainly wasn't the answer, but perhaps Carlisle was right to send him away with Alice. She was his foundation, and until their relationship was able to be repaired, Edward could never be strong or stable. He needed to discover who he really was as a person, and all I could do was hope he found some true value in his life along the way...


	24. A Hard Time

**Chapter 24 – A Hard Time**

Since Edward was being transferred to the state mandated treatment facility to finish his remaining sentence, I decided to put off telling Alice about the baby for a couple of days. I knew having him taken away from her again was going to be torture, and I prayed the next six weeks went by quickly so she could be reunited with him at that camp in Canada.

My dad and I spent a couple of days together, but then he had to return to his case, and I decided it was time for me to go back to work as well.

"Jasper will be home from Texas sometime this evening, so you won't be staying alone," Charlie assured me as we were saying goodbye.

"Well, I am eighteen, so…" I shrugged.

"And we've already established that I still don't want you home alone when we can possibly avoid it. Especially now that you're pregnant. If something were to go wrong…"

"Everything is going to be fine. Edward is gone, so I can always go over to the Cullens. I still need to talk to Alice."

"Yeah, about that…"

"What?" I asked concerned.

"Alice was having such a hard time yesterday after Edward was transferred, Esme and Carlisle decided to go rent a small apartment closer to the facility until he's released," Charlie informed me.

"Oh… so, I won't see her until after they're done with the camp? Dad, I need to tell her about the baby. Edward certainly won't."

"Well," he looked at his watch. "They haven't left yet. You can head over there and try to catch them before they go. I know Esme wanted to see you this morning, but I told her you had an early shift at the store."

"I'll just text Mike that I'm going to be a little late. I need to tell Alice before she leaves."

I hurried over to the Cullen's, and arrived just as they were loading their car.

"Oh, Bella, I'm so glad you're here," Esme said as she hugged me the moment I stepped out of my truck. "We were actually planning to stop by Newton Grocery on our way out. We couldn't leave without saying goodbye to you," she said emotionally.

"Well, that's why I'm here," I told her. "I need to talk to Alice before you leave."

"Okay. She's just grabbing a few more things out of her room."

I nodded, and then went inside to find her. "Hey," I said while knocking on her open bedroom door lightly.

"Oh… hi, Bella," she said with a forced smile.

"You have everything you need?" I asked while grabbing her pillow to help her out.

"I think so. We're going to be staying in an apartment, but I need to pack for my camping trip too. We're not coming back here before we go… and I need to get some of Teddy's things too," she said, and then walked briskly passed me and straight into Edward's room, so I followed her at a slower pace. "Do you think he'd want to read these again?" she asked while grabbing a few of his books.

"Maybe," I replied with a shrug.

"There's not going to be any computers or TV, so I'm sure he's going to be bored. He always got so bored in the basement. At least we can go outside at the camp. And they will have zip lining and canoeing to do too. Oh, and fishing! He liked fishing when your dad took him before, right?"

I nodded. "I think so. I'm sure you'll both have fun," I said, trying to be encouraging.

"He's going to hate it," she disagreed. "I'm just glad it's so far in the wilderness that he can't really run away."

"Well, I'm sure he will like it more than the place he's going to now," I pointed out.

"He always did like camping," she agreed. "Remember when all of the guys went camping a few years ago, and they were so excited because they saw a bear? I hope I don't see any bears. That would be terrifying."

"Oh, come on now, sis, bears are the coolest thing in the world," Emmett said as he peeked into the room. "Hey Bells," he greeted me, and then turned back to Alice. "You almost ready to go?"

"I'm just packing Teddy's stuff for the camp," she told him.

"Okay, but mom said we need to leave soon, otherwise we will be stuck in stopped traffic for hours," he told her.

"Ok. I'll be down in a minute."

"You're going with them?" I asked Em surprised. "What about school?"

"I'm just going for a couple days to help them get settled in, and then I'll be back. You can still stay here with me whenever your dad needs to leave."

"Thanks, but Jasper is home today, so I'll be fine."

"Okay, but this is your home just as much as your dad's house is, so even if you just want a change of scenery, I'll be here. Then my parents will be back after the six weeks, and everything."

"Thanks, Em."

"Hey, don't thank me. I'm the one who's going to be lonely, so I'll probably be begging you to come stay here with me after a couple weeks."

I smiled and nodded. "Sure you will."

"I will. I love me some Bella…. Well, not in the same way Edward loves you," he quickly clarified.

"Yeah, I get it. Love you too, Em. I'll definitely come visit, okay? Why don't you have Rose over some time so we can hang out. I want to get to know her better."

"That can definitely be arranged," he said with a smile, and then turned back to Alice. "Five minutes."

"Okay," she said, slightly annoyed.

Emmett tossed me a reassuring smile, and then left us alone again.

"So, I need to talk to you before you leave," I said to Alice carefully.

"What about?" she asked distractedly as she continued to rush around the room, grabbing things for Edward.

"Um… so, I found out something a few weeks ago, and…"

"Is it that you're pregnant?" she asked, taking me by complete surprise.

"Uh… yeah. Did your parents tell you?"

"No. I just figured it out," she said as she continued looking around the room.

"How?" I asked confused.

"You said you didn't want to eat eggs. You love eggs, but when my mom was making breakfast the last time you stayed here, you said you didn't want any. Then you looked sick. Eggs always made me sick when Teddy was inside me too."

"Oh… Okay. So… Are you alright with it?" I asked awkwardly, not knowing what else to say.

"No. I think you're way too young to be a mother," she said unexpectedly.

"Uh… well, I am young, but…"

"Did you tell Edward about this the other night?" she questioned with narrowed eyes glaring at me. "Before he hurt himself. Did you come in here, and tell him you were having a baby? I'm not blaming you for this, Bella, but I know it probably really upset him."

My stomach twisted from her words, and my breathing started to pick up again. "I… I thought he needed to know," I said, feeling like the world was spinning around me once more. Alice was the only one willing to admit the truth, that Edward's attempt on his life was probably set off because of me. As much as it hurt, I was grateful she was telling me how she really felt.

"He didn't need to know that right then," Alice disagreed. "You could have just waited. He was gone for almost three months, and the first time he saw you again, you tell him something like that? It's just cruel."

"Hey, hey, hey," Carlisle said as he rushed into the room. I had no idea what expression was on my face, but he seemed somewhat concerned. "Hold on, sit down for a minute," he instructed as he led me to Edward's desk chair. "Deep breaths, Bella."

"What's wrong with her?" Alice asked, suddenly concerned.

"She's having another panic attack," Carlisle told her. "Keep taking deep breaths until the dizziness goes away." He looked around the room, and then looked back at me. "Bella, you shouldn't be in here. I think the memory of what happened to Edward is causing these episodes for you. Come on, let's go out. Slowly now," he said as he put his arm around my waist, and walked me out of the room and down the stairs to the living room.

"Oh my god, Bella! What's wrong?" Esme asked concerned when she saw me in that state.

"Nothing. I'm okay," I tried convincing them.

"She had another panic attack in Edward's room."

"Oh, honey," Esme said while coming to sit next to me, and holding me tightly. "He's going to be okay, sweetheart. Everything is going to be okay," she cooed.

"Bella, I'm sorry," Alice said gently. "I didn't know you were sick. I shouldn't have said that."

"What did you say?" Emmett asked from behind her.

"I just… I was upset because she told Teddy she was pregnant, and I think it was mean. She knows he loves her. I just think she should have waited."

"Waited for what?" Emmett asked confused.

"I don't know. Until he was better," she said, starting to get upset. Tears started streaming down her face, but she continued anyway. "He just got home from being alone on the streets, and I know it had to have hurt him knowing she was having a baby with Mike. He hates Mike. He must have just felt hopeless."

"I'm not having a baby with Mike," I told her gently, realizing why she was acting so bitter towards me. I suppose it made sense she assumed the baby was Mike's. Everyone did, and I knew as soon as my pregnancy was made public, everyone outside the family would as well. I had been with him for over six months, and my relationship with Edward was brief and hidden - we weren't even together for two whole weeks before he ran away, which was months ago.

"Edward is… my baby's father," I clarified. The room was still spinning, but I tried my hardest to focus on Alice as she processed that information.

Alice absently started shaking her head no. "Teddy doesn't know how to... do that," she mumbled quietly.

Emmett suddenly broke out in laughter. - _The guy was actually laughing._ "Hate to break it to you, Alice, but Edward lost his virginity years ago when he was dating that Gianna chick. He told me all about it afterwards. Kind of thought he was gay for a while after that since he stopped dating for so long."

"So… when you were sneaking into his room those nights, you were…" Alice let her words trail off, and a disturbed expression crept across her face.

"She use to sneak in his room?" I heard Esme mumble to Carlisle. "We have really been blind."

"Yeah, I'm just glad she didn't get pregnant sooner," I heard Carlisle whisper back to her. "We basically suck as parents."

"If it makes you two feel better, I only snuck a girl into my room twice," Em said with a big cheesy grin while slapping his dad on the back playfully.

"Oh, my lord," Esme said while looking up at the ceiling as if she was speaking to God.

"Bella, you're really having Teddy's baby?" Alice asked, clearly still in shock.

"Yeah… I didn't mean to upset you, Alice, I just thought you should know, and I really didn't mean to upset Edward. I just thought…." I was consumed with tears once more, but the moment Alice wrapped her arms around me, I felt instantly better, and so much worse at the same time. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know he would react like that. I didn't know," I sobbed as she continued to hold me.

"Oh Bella, I'm the one who's sorry," she cried with me. "I wasn't very nice to you. I didn't realize. I thought you went back to Mike when you started working at his store, and you were just trying to throw it in Teddy's face because he left. That was so dumb of me. I should have known better."

"Its okay. I understand. You were just standing up for him."

"I was, but I was wrong. I just know how much he loves you, but even blaming you a little bit for what happened wasn't fair. I know you love him too."

"I do… and I always will. I just want him to get better."

"He will," she said confidently. "And that's why there's no reason to be sad anymore. We're having a baby!" she said while drying her face and suddenly sounding excited. "Its a happy thing. I get to be a grandma! Hey, you should be coming with us. Go home and get your stuff. We can wait for you. Right mom?"

"Oh, of course Bella can come if she wants to, but…"

"But he doesn't want to see me," I interrupted Esme.

"Oh, that's okay. He doesn't want to see me either. I just sit there and talk to him, and he hears me even if he pretends he doesn't. You can too. Oh, I know! You should talk to him about baby names, and suggest something really bad, so he will have to talk to you to say how much hates the name. How about… Bartholomew?" she suggested. "He'd really hate that."

"Alice… I can't go," I said regretfully. "I need to stay focused on taking care of this baby."

"But going is taking care of it. The baby needs Teddy too," she argued softly.

"He needs to fix himself before he can be anything the baby needs," I said honestly. "But I'm glad you're going to be with him. I know you'll keep him safe," I told her as encouragingly as I was capable of.

"Well, maybe we shouldn't be going either," Alice said full of conflict. "Bella shouldn't be alone."

"I won't be alone," I tried reassuring her. "Jasper is back from Texas, and my dad will be in and out."

"I'll be around too," Emmett cut in.

"And your dad and I will be back in a month and a half, so we will be here if there's anything she needs," Esme stated.

"See?" I told her. "I'm going to be fine. And, by the time you're done with that camp, I'll be just about ready to have this baby, and you can come back and see it."

"I want to be here for the birth," she told Esme.

"We will make sure you're back in time," Esme agreed.

She turned back to me and smiled sadly. "I'm sorry Teddy wasn't strong enough to be here with you. It's my fault. I didn't have any strength to give him when he was born."

"Oh Alice, that's not true. You're one of the strongest people I've ever known. Edward is strong too. He just got a little lost. But… you're going to make sure he gets better. I know you will," I said with as much confidence as I could muster. The truth was, I was feeling pretty darn hopeless at the moment, and I wasn't actually sure about anything I was saying. Then again, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that Alice believed me and it made her feel better, which it seemed to.

"Okay… well, I guess the next time I see you, you'll have a big belly," Alice then said while placing her hand on my flat stomach.

I nodded. "Its going to be weird, huh."

"I can't wait!" she said excitedly, before kissing me on the cheek, and then heading out the door.

I said my goodbyes to the rest of the Cullens as well, then stood alone on their front porch, as I watched their car disappear down the long driveway. Edward was gone, my dad was hardly home, and now the Cullens would be away for a while. I understood it. I really did, but it was so hard being the one who was constantly left behind, and I wondered if I'd be waiting around for people for the rest of my life.

Even though I was feeling pretty down, and suddenly extremely lonely, I decided it was best to just try to keep moving, so I finally made it in to work.

"You're late," Mike said bitterly as I clocked in for the day.

"Yeah, I text you," I said quietly.

Mike pulled out his phone, and then huffed. "Oh… Well, I didn't see this until just now. I need you here on time. Our team depends on a full staff."

"I'm sorry," I replied evenly. "Won't happen again."

I put my apron on, and immediately got to work. I was on bathroom cleaning in the rotation. Great. At least there were toilets there when I would undoubtedly get sick from the sheer disgustingness of those things.

After the stalls were all clean, I got called to mop up the chip aisle because some kid actually dropped trou and pissed all over the floor. At least it wasn't poop like the previous week. When I was done mopping, it was time to clean the bathrooms yet again, and that wonderful cycle of cleaning human waste went on.

The day dragged on longer than I ever thought possible, and when I was finally ready to clock out, I had yet another irritating run in with my favorite ex.

"You were a half hour late this morning, so you should work a half hour later now," he said pompously.

I meant to just put my apron back on and do as I was told, but after the day I had, the idea of working for even a minute longer seemed completely unbearable.

"You know what, Mike. I think I'm just going to tell you no, and leave it at that," I said while putting my time card back in it's assigned slot.

He laughed once humorlessly. "You can't just tell me no. I'm your boss."

"That's right. You are my boss when I'm working, but since I already clocked out, that would mean I'm no longer working, which means, you'll have to wait until I'm clocked back in before you can tell me what to do."

"Bella, you sure you want to go down this route? There's a long line of people waiting for your position, and there's not anywhere else currently hiring in town. Now, I've already let you slide on a bunch of stuff."

"What have you let me slide on?" I asked incredulously. I hated my job, but I did everything I was supposed to, so I was only vaguely interested in whatever lie he could come up with.

"You haven't been working here very long, and you already called in sick three times," Mike pointed out.

I raised my shoulders. "I was sick."

"Today you were late with no verified reason, and you still refuse to work later. If you can't take this job seriously, I'll give it to someone who can," he threatened.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, and then sighed. "Okay," I said in defeat, and then I grabbed my time card, and punched back in.

It just was another horrible day to cap off an excruciating week. In fact, I pretty much hadn't had a decent day since before Edward first ran away from home. Every waking hour seemed so exhausting and emotionally draining, and when I felt like I could no longer keep my eyes open, I'd go to bed, only to lie awake most of the night. On the rare occasion I managed to actually sleep, my slumber was terrorized by nightmares, and I wondered how the hell I was even able to function at all at that point.

And of course, because I wasn't having a hard enough time as it was, when I finally did leave that hellhole for the evening, my truck wouldn't start.

 _Great._

 _Just fucking great._


	25. Waiting

**Chapter 25 – Waiting**

"Crap!" I moaned as I slammed down the hood of my truck. Why I even thought I could fix whatever was wrong with it, I had no idea. My dad may have taught me how to change a tire, but when it came to engine troubles, I was at a complete loss.

"What am I supposed to do now?" I whined to myself, on the verge of panic. I quickly scanned through my cell phone contacts, but I knew everyone on that list were either out of town, or unavailable. "Shit, shit, shit," I mumbled, and seriously considered walking the ten miles home, but then…

"Something wrong with your truck?" Mike asked as he was heading to his car.

"Nope. Everything is great. Thanks," I said with a overly fake friendly tone.

"You sure? Because I can give you a ride somewhere if you need."

"Actually I have… a ton of people who can help me, so… no thanks," I replied with more bitterness than I intended.

"Okay, suit yourself," he said before heading to his car.

I stubbornly got back into my truck, and prayed to all things holy that it would miraculously just start again, but when it didn't make a sound, I huffed, and then sucked up my pride and ran after Mike. I absolutely hated doing it, but I couldn't think of anything else to do.

"So… how are things?" Mike tried to force small talk as we headed towards my dad's house.

"Great," I lied. I was sure he probably expected me to return the courtesy, but I didn't, and we drove the rest of the way in awkward silence.

"So-uh, I'm sure your truck won't be fixed by morning, so I can pick you up on my way in, if you want. We have the same schedule tomorrow," Mike offered as he pulled up to the house.

"My cousin Jasper lives with us. I'm sure he can give me a ride. But thanks for today," I said as politely as I was capable of.

"I just want to stress how important it is that you make it in tomorrow on time," he said as I was getting out of his car.

"I was only late once," I argued.

"Yeah, but you've taken quite a few sick days lately as well. Look, I'm not trying to be a dick. I know that's probably what you're thinking. I just have a lot of responsibility on my shoulders, and I can't show you any favoritisms. My dad didn't even want me to hire you after what happened last summer, but I promised him I'd treat you like any other employee."

"What happened last summer?" I asked confused.

"Oh, come on. You remember the way we kept ditching work to hit the beach and all that."

I laughed once. "Oh, and that's my fault?" I asked incredulously. "It was always your idea, and you said you'd cover for us and it wasn't a problem."

"Yeah, but… now I'm the store manager. I don't know, it's just different now. I have to be more professional."

"I never asked you not to be. I couldn't help being late this morning, but I did notify you. It won't happen again," I assured him.

"Great. I just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page, and that there were no hard feelings because I made you work late and all."

"Why do you care about me possibly having hard feelings towards you?" I asked condescendingly. "You're my boss, not my friend. People have hard feelings towards their bosses all the time. If you can't take it, maybe you shouldn't be the boss."

"That's kind of harsh, Bella. We used to be pretty good friends before Cullen got in the way."

I unintentionally flinched at the casual way Mike brought up Edward, and he definitely noticed.

"What the hell did that guy do to you? You were never this tense before. Even when we were taking one of our breaks."

"Mike… can you just… not ask me about my personal life," I said, honestly trying to keep my tone light. I had to work with him for a while at least, and I was trying like hell to not make it any more miserable than it had to be, but he was making my attempt to stay cordial extremely difficult.

"I used to be your personal life," he argued.

"You were never my life, Mike," I corrected him. "You were only a small part of it."

"Maybe that's where you went wrong with Cullen. A guy shouldn't be your entire life, because when he is, it's hard to move on when it's over," he said, actually sounding sincere and almost companionate, as if he was legitimately trying to give me relationship advice.

It only pissed me off.

"You have no idea what kind of relationship I had with Edward, so mind your own damn business!" I said while slamming his car door shut, and then storming off towards my house.

"All I mean is it's hard to break up with someone when they're in every facet of your life!" he called after me through his opened window. "You can't get away from the guy if he's part of your family."

I couldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he got a rise out of me, so I refused to stop and turn back to him. I just unlocked my house door, and slammed it shut the moment I was inside.

God, I hated that prick!

And I hated him even more because he was right. I had let Edward become my entire life. He was in my every thought, and in my every breath. Our relationship was only brief, but it was enough to impact me forever. I wish I could have just moved on the way I had after my break ups with Mike. They never hurt like that. I was never all that upset. So, I suppose, in a way, my relationship with Mike was so much healthier than my relationship with Edward ever could have been. I knew it going in. I knew it the first time Edward kissed me. If I ever lost him it would be excruciating, and I was right. Sometimes being right really sucked.

I sat in the kitchen for what felt like hours as the room grew dark around me. I knew I should probably make some dinner, but I just couldn't muster enough strength or motivation to do so. I told myself I was waiting for Jasper to arrive home, but I knew that wasn't really the truth. I was still waiting for Edward. I was always waiting for him. No one but him. And I always would be waiting for him, without any hope that he would ever actually come home.

With no word from Jasper, I decided I was simply too tired to stay awake any longer, so I headed to bed, and ended up fighting my night terrors all night. There was always so much blood in my dreams. Sometimes I'd find Edward dead, and other times he'd actually open his eyes and talk to me like there was nothing wrong with him sitting in a pool of his own blood. It was absolutely traumatizing, and I ended up being startled awake by the sound of screaming.

Of all the countless nights of my childhood when I'd hear Alice scream, I never could have imagined that one day I'd be the one screaming, and I was screaming for the exact same reason she had…

It was for Edward.

I was completely trembling after my last set of nightmares, so I got out of bed, and headed downstairs hoping to see Jasper's car in the driveway. I had no intention of waking him up at that hour, but just knowing I wasn't alone in the house would have made all the difference, but then I saw his disheartening text...

 _'Sorry, Bella. Stuck in some crappy weather and cell service is going in and out. I'm going to hunker in a hotel for the night. Hopefully roads will clear by tomorrow so I can make it home.'_

"Figures," I said, while tossing my phone to the side. Even though I had never actually stayed home alone overnight before, I wasn't really scared, I just felt completely isolated. Every member of my family was gone, and I didn't even have friends left in that town. It was just a horrible feeling, so instead of even attempting to get back to sleep, I just curled up in a ball on the couch, and stared out the blackened window as I waited for the sun to come up.

When the room was no longer dark, I couldn't put off the dreaded inevitable any longer, so I grudgingly picked my phone back up, and text Mike asking for a ride into work after all.

Mike readily agreed, and when he arrived at my house, I was grateful he didn't rub it in.

"Thanks for the ride," I said evenly as I slid into his passenger seat.

"No problem. Your house is right on my way, so I can give you rides everyday until your truck gets fixed."

"Hopefully my cousin will be able to take me tomorrow," I mumbled, trying desperately hard to sound gracious rather than irritated like I was feeling.

"Yeah, but he works at my uncle's garage, right? That's like on the opposite side of town, and his hours are pretty sporadic. I'll just swing by and pick you up until you have your own car again. It's really not a big deal, and it makes much more sense."

Fearing that he was probably right again, I sighed and then nodded. "Okay, thank you. Hopefully it won't be for long. I'm sure my dad's case will be done soon, and we can figure out a different solution for my transportation."

"Yeah, sure. Just let me know when you get other plans. Until then, I'll make sure you get to and from work on time."

I nodded, and forced out another "Thank you," before spending the rest of the short drive silently staring out the window.

Work was as horrible as ever, and the only light in my day was when I finally made it back home, after another silent ride from Mike, and saw Jasper's car, finally in the driveway.

"Hey, you're home!" I nearly cried as I hugged him hello.

"Yeah. I'm sorry about last night. I know your dad didn't want you to stay alone overnight, especially after everything he said that happened with Edward, but I just couldn't get home. They completely shut down the interstate where I was. It was crazy," he told me.

"Well, I'm just glad you're back," I told him sincerely.

"Me too. How are you doing? I can't believe all that stuff that happened with Edward. Alice must be besides herself."

I closed my eyes tightly in another attempt to ward off the violent images, and thankfully, Jasper seemed to get the hint and he quickly changed the subject. "Hey, where's your truck? I didn't hear it when you came home."

"Oh, it took a crap on me yesterday. I had to leave it in the store parking lot. Do you think you can tow it to the shop for me tomorrow while you're working."

"Yeah, of course. Maybe I should head over there right now and see if there's a simple fix," he suggested.

"No, you don't have to do that. Mike said it wasn't a problem leaving it there for a couple days. It can wait until tomorrow. Maybe you can give me a ride over there in the morning, and take a look then."

"Sure. What time does your shift start?"

I looked up my schedule on my phone. "I don't go in until ten."

"Really? Crap, I need to be in work by eight."

"Oh…" I said disappointedly, realizing I was still going to need a ride from Mike.

"I can try to take my lunch break at ten to come pick you up, and I can tow your truck then too, but if there's other customers at that time my boss won't let me leave," he said regretfully.

"No, it's okay. I'll get a ride with Mike," I said with a sigh.

"A ride with Mike, huh?" Jasper said with underlying disapproval.

"Uh, it's certainly not by choice," I told him strongly.

"You sure about that?" he asked with a raised brow.

"Of course I'm sure about that!" I said insulted.

"Okay, I was only checking. It's just, you always seem to go back to that guy, and I'd hate to see you continue to be caught up in that trap. I mean, I know first loves are hard to let go of, and all…"

"He's not my first love!" I said, repulsed by the thought. "He was my first boyfriend, but that doesn't mean I ever loved him."

"Okay, I get it. I'm just saying, I don't think that guy is good for you."

"Well, he certainly never made me hurt the way I am now," I murmured, before getting up and heading back towards the stairs. "I've had a really long day; I'll talk to you more tomorrow. Okay?"

"Sure thing. Good night, Bella," he said with a sympathetic smile.

"Good night," I replied.

The next week basically went on the same way. Mike would give me rides to and from work, and even though I tried to be grateful and polite, we hardly spoke. When I would get home from work, sometimes Jasper would be there, and other times he wouldn't. I couldn't even remember the last time I had a casual conversation with anyone that didn't involve work, and I wondered if I was slowly going insane. Although, my stagnant lonely days were still almost heaven compared to the incessant nightmares I was having.

"So, at what point are you going to take a break from all this nonsense, and actually go get some help?" Jasper asked me one morning.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said in denial.

"Look, I can pretend like I don't hear you screaming at night, but I don't think it's doing you any good to just ignore it. You're like, suffering from PTSD, or something."

"I'm fine," I insisted.

"I don't think you are. What you saw… How you found Edward…"

Once again I squeezed my eyes shut, and this time put up my hand to silently ask him to not go there. I didn't want to think about it. I couldn't. I had to just keep moving.

"Bella, you need to take a break from all that grocery store stuff, and see a therapist," Jasper said, despite my nonverbal protest.

"I can't take a break from my job. There's a hundred other people just waiting for a chance to get in there. I can't blow this."

"Why?" Jasper questioned. "This is silly. Go to college. Get a real job."

"You should take your own advice," I retorted.

"I'm a lot older than you. It would be weird for me to go to college now."

I rolled my eyes at him. "There are people of all different ages and backgrounds in college."

"Okay, so what's your excuse?" he challenged me.

"How am I going to go to college, and support my baby?" I asked frustrated.

"Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but that baby is a Cullen, no?"

"So?" I asked with a shrug.

"So, they're the richest family in the area. They're richer than the damn Newtons who own half the town. They offered to support you, so stop being so freaking stubborn, and let them."

"Jasper, you don't understand," I sighed. "I need to be able to take care of it myself, because otherwise, what the hell business do I have even bringing it into the world? I don't want to be dependent on anyone, but especially not on Edward's family when I'm hoping someday he will choose to go back there, and I don't want me and this baby stopping him."

"Bella, he has responsibilities to the baby too," Jasper said quietly.

"No he doesn't. Why is parenthood dependent on the girl? She chooses an abortion, the guy has no choice; she chooses to keep it, the guy still doesn't have a choice. I don't think that's right. We both have choices, and we've made those choices. I want to be a parent, and he doesn't, so that's that."

"Yeah, well… he probably should have thought about that before he had unprotected sex," Jasper countered. "If his family wants to help, you should let them. If having you and his child around prevents him from ever going home, then so be it. That's on him. You say you're working so you can do what's best for your baby, well, maybe what's best for your baby is for you to go to school and get a real career."

"I'm not against going to school, but it's still summer, so… I'm going to keep working as much as I can while I can. I'll sign up at the local junior college for some fall classes, but until then I need to work."

"No, you don't. It's not worth the stress," he continued to argue.

"Working is the only thing keeping me going right now," I said, becoming emotional. "I need to stay focused. I need to keep going everyday, because… because if I don't, I'm going to slip down that hole again, and I can't let that happen. I need to exhaust myself, or I'd never sleep at all. I have to stay busy, otherwise… otherwise I'll just be completely alone."

Jasper stared at me for a few moments, and then he smiled sadly and nodded. "I get it… I just wish there was a better option for you. Maybe if I talk to your dad, maybe…"

"No!" I snapped at him. "Jasper, don't talk to my dad about any of this! I don't want him to feel guilty about leaving all the time. He's worked so hard to get where he is at his job, and I'm not going to take that from him."

"But you're his daughter. If he knew you felt like this…"

"He'd ask for a different position," I finished for him. "I know, and I don't want him to do that. I'm eighteen. I don't need him sacrificing his dream job for me, and it wouldn't really change anything anyway. I'd still feel the need to keep moving as much as possible."

Jasper sighed. "It'll get easier for you. I know it will," he said supportively.

"I hope so, but…" I raised my shoulders.

I couldn't even fathom it getting any easier. In fact, I was sure it would only get harder. Much, much, harder. How was I going to give birth to Edward's baby without Edward? The thought was unbearable, so I tried like hell not to think about it, and the best way to not think about it, was to go to the worst place imaginable – Newton Grocery.

"My ride's here," I said to Jasper as I saw Mike pull up out front.

"Bella… just don't forget that guy is a jackass," he said unexpectedly.

I wanted to explode at him and tell him I'd never, ever, go back to Mike, especially while pregnant with Edward's baby, but I felt saying such a thing would just be a waste of breath. For Jasper to feel like he even had to tell me that at all was maddening, so I had to fight the urge to flip him off. Instead, I settled for just a flick of a wave, and then I walked out the door.


	26. A Few Bad Moments

**Chapter 26 – A Few Bad Moments**

My dad finally came home a week or so after my truck died, but he was still crazy busy at his local precinct, so I still didn't see him much. He paid to have the truck worked on, but the part it needed was expensive, and would take a few more weeks to come in. So, in the meantime, I was stuck getting rides with Mike.

"Good morning, Bella," he said strangely after picking me up. We didn't usually speak much, and when we did, it certainly wasn't as chipper and overly-friendly like the tone he was currently using. It made me uneasy. "I picked you up some coffee, and your favorite Starbucks pastry," he added.

"Um… thank you," I said warily, wondering if he spit in it.

As we drove, he started talking, and he talked so fast and bubbly that I was beginning to get scared. "Okay, what's going on?" I asked when my concerned conscience wouldn't shut up for a moment longer.

"Nothing is going on, why?" he asked with faux innocence. "Can't I just bring you some breakfast without there being something going on?"

"No."

When he came up to the next stop sign, he sat there for a minute, as if he was suddenly lost in thought, and then whatever occurred to him made him turn in the opposite direction.

"Where are we going?" I asked confused.

"I'm kidnapping you," he said casually.

"You're what?" I nearly spat. "Mike, what the hell?"

"Look, I just heard about what's been going on with you, and I feel like shit. I had no idea you were going through such a hard time, so I'm sorry."

"Okay, who told you what?" I asked, getting increasingly angrier the farther away from work we were getting.

"People at the store yesterday were talking about Edward's suicide attempt, and how the Cullens all left town for a while, and whatnot. They said you found him on the verge of death? Shit Bella, it's no wonder you've been like the walking dead lately. I can't believe something so horrible happened to you, and you didn't even tell me."

"Why would I tell you anything?" I asked irritated. "We're not friends. We're not anything!"

"Yeah, well, maybe that's a mistake," he said audaciously. "We used to be really good friends, and it seems to me, you don't have many friends around here left."

"And that's none of your business!"

The fact that random people were talking about Edward's incident was just one more crappy aspect of living in such a small town. I was actually surprised it didn't make the local news.

"Come on, Bella. Please don't get mad. I just wanted to hang out with you for a bit. I know you have your dad and cousin, but sometimes people need to talk to someone outside the situation. I mean, besides those first few days after all that happened, you haven't taken any time off. Have you even seen any of the Cullens since then? I'm just concerned about you."

"Okay, well you can be concerned about me when we're not on our way to work. We're going to be late."

"It'll be fine. I'll just let my dad know we won't be in today."

"What?" I spat. "Like, at all? What the hell happened to you blaming me for all the work we missed last summer, and you needing to be more responsible, and all that shit?"

"Some things are more important. My dad's not going to fire me or you. He will understand after I explain this to him."

"Explain what exactly?" I asked, unclear about what he was actually planning to do.

"We needed a day off. Well, you need a day off, and I'm just making sure you get it."

"Mike, I can't afford to risk this job," I told him.

"Like I just said, it will be fine. Bella, if you don't take a break, you're going to burn out. Trust me. I've never seen you more tense than you've been these past couple weeks. I just can't believe you've been keeping all this bottled up. I know how much you care about Cullen, and I know you must be having the worst time ever, so I'm insisting that you take a break from it all."

"Mike, really. I've been lectured enough by my cousin, and my dad, and everyone else that knows what happened. I don't need it from you too. Can you please just take me to work?"

"No. If you don't come with me now… I'm going to fire you."

"Uh, that's extortion…or blackmail… or something."

He shrugged. "Well, if you want to sue me, go ahead, but today we are relaxing."

As much as I couldn't stand him, and cringed at the idea of going anywhere with him, I found myself keeping my mouth shut, and just going along with it. Perhaps I needed a break more than I was willing to admit.

We spent the next couple hours at the beach, just sitting in the sand, watching the waves crash in. Mike surprisingly didn't suffocate me with his unbearable chatter, or any insufferable nonsense. He just sat with me, and let me enjoy the loud sound of the water as it drowned out all my other thoughts.

Since Edward went away, my silent times alone had been so deafeningly loud, that I could never have even a moment's peace, but out at that beach, with the waves rumbling, and the gulls squawking, I finally couldn't hear the horrors that had been plaguing my mind. It was just… peaceful.

"Thanks for taking me out here. I had forgotten how calming the beach could be," I said sincerely as we headed back to his car.

"Yeah, I always come out here to clear my mind too. Well, you remember that. No matter how tense I feel, this place always seems to soothe it away… at least for a little while."

"Yeah… Maybe I'll make a point to come out here more often."

"I can bring you any time you want," he offered.

"That's nice of you, but…"

"It doesn't have to be a set thing. Just let me know if you ever need a ride out here."

"Uh…"

"Hey, why don't we grab a bite? I'm starving," he said while pointing at our old favorite diner we used to frequent while we were dating.

"Mike, listen… I appreciate you trying to be nice to me and all, but… I think you should just take me home now, if that's okay."

"Okay, but… aren't you hungry? We missed lunch," he said while looking at his watch.

"Yeah, but… coming here was bad enough, we can't have lunch together," I said apologetically.

"Bad enough?" he asked confused.

"Mike… I'm never… we're never going to… be a couple again," I said, realizing that was probably the real reason he was being so nice to me.

"Look, I know you're not in the right place to date right now, especially after what happened to your pseudo-brother-boyfriend, but…"

"I'm pregnant," I told him bluntly, hoping he'd stop whatever he was about to stay. I certainly didn't want him to think there was even the slightest chance for us to ever be together again.

"Oh…" he said in surprise. He looked past me for a moment, and then he looked down at his feet as he roughed up the sand with his shoe. "Yeah… well, I heard a rumor about that."

"You did?" I asked surprised. "If you thought it was a possibility, then why would you even…"

"I know how this may look, but I honestly didn't bring you here for anything like that."

"You didn't?" I asked surprised.

"No. We were once really good friends, remember?"

I shrugged, not really agreeing that we were ever _"really good friends"_ , but I didn't feel the need to argue that point.

"It just looked to me like you needed a friend. I promise, that's all this is… And hell, I don't know what the future will bring..."

"But I'm having another guy's baby," I reiterated.

"Okay, so you can't have friends?" he questioned.

"Not if you're still hanging on to the possibility of there being a future for us."

"I'm not hanging on to anything, that's not what I meant; I'm just not closing myself off to any possibilities. All I'm saying is that I know feelings change, and people change, and I have no idea how I will feel in the future or who I will end up with. Could be you, or someone I haven't met yet, or even Rebecca from the produce department."

I raised my brows at him with a smile. "Oh, Rebecca from produce, huh?"

His face immediately reddened with embarrassment. "Yeah, well… I may have a little crush."

It was amazing how relieved I felt from his admission. The truth was that he was right, I did need a friend, and as it stood, all my other friends were long gone. If Mike truly understood we didn't have a romantic future, and he was okay with that, and even dating other people, then perhaps I didn't have to hate him so much. Any amount of stress and negativity off my shoulders was definitely welcomed.

…

I didn't think it was possible, but time kept speeding forward. I was still stuck in that horrible moment of the last time I saw Edward, but somehow I kept breathing, and life continued to move on, even without him.

Before I knew it, I was six months into my pregnancy, and hiding it from people outside my family was getting just about impossible. Of course, most people assumed the baby was Mike's, which was frustrating, but understandable at the same time. Nobody knew about my brief relationship with Edward, but even if they had, Edward was gone, and Mike was there – he was always there...

"We may have to get you a bigger uniform soon," he teased me as I clocked in one morning. Even though we had been on friendly terms since our beach excursion, I still felt awkward around him at times, and had to remind myself to not be so irritated by everything he said.

"It is getting a little tight," I admitted. "I think the apron still kind of hides it though. What do you think?" I asked as I turned to the side.

"Eh. You want the truth, or the lie that would probably make you feel better?" Mike asked in a teasing manner.

I forced a laugh since I was sure he was trying to be funny. "Just lie to me."

"Yeah, the apron totally hides the basketball under your shirt."

"Ugh," I whined. "Why am I so big? I still have over three months left."

"Its because you were so thin before. There's no fat to hide it. That's how my sister looked during her pregnancy too."

"Wonderful," I said sarcastically. "Hey, did you change the schedule for me?" I asked as I looked over the calendar hanging there.

"Yeah, you need to get off early today for your doctor appointment. Right?" he asked, just to clarify.

"Yeah. Sorry, I keep messing up the schedule, but I really do appreciate you being so accommodating," I said sincerely.

"Nah, I think it's great that you've been doing so well in school. My dad likes hiring college students anyway. Makes him feel like he's contributing to the leaders of tomorrow, or something like that."

"Yeah, but allowing me to cut back to only part time, and working around my doctor appointments. That's asking a lot, so I just want you to know I am grateful."

"You know what, it actually works out, because I was able to hire Jessica to fill in for you, so you guys are both able to work part time for the same cost as one full time employee. With jobs so hard to come by around here, I'm glad I get the chance to give some work to my buddies."

"Yeah, I felt so bad for Jessica when she came in here last month, and talked about how she needed to come home from where she was going to school abroad. She just looked so lost," I said, feeling like I could relate to that feeling. Life post–high school was definitely harder than most of us were expecting.

"Yeah, I'm sorry I can't ever schedule you to work together. Splitting one job means you're never in at the same time, and I know that sort of sucks for you both. You guys are such good friends and never get to spend any time together."

"It is what it is. We are just both happy to have jobs."

"Do you ever wonder what it would be like to leave town? You know, start over somewhere else. I'm sure it would be easy to get jobs in bigger cities. Small towns have so many drawbacks. It's like you can never be anything more than this crap," he said while gesturing towards the store.

I raised my shoulders. "You can leave. I mean, if you hate it here, just go find something else. What's keeping you?"

"I don't know. I guess I'm just afraid to go alone. Maybe if I had someone to share an apartment with, and all that. Who knows. My dad would probably disown me though."

"You have to do what makes you happy," I told him.

"Yeah… Hey, you know what would have been awesome? If you, me, and Jessica found a place together, and just… got away from all this shit," he suggested.

"Uh, in case you forgot," I said while pulling the apron tighter on my ballooned stomach so it was clearly visible.

"Yeah, I know, I just mean it would have been cool, you know, if things were different. Heck, it would still be cool. We can find like a three bedroom, and you could just keep the baby in your room for a while."

"Yeah, I don't think my dad or the Cullens would be cool with me skipping town with their grandbaby," I told him while shaking my head.

"Didn't you just say you have to do what makes you happy?" he pointed out.

"Yeah, you and me are in two entirely different situations. It's not just about me and what I want. I have to consider what's best for my baby."

"So, what is your plan then?" he asked curiously.

"I'm still not sure," I said honestly. "My dad and the Cullens want me to continue to split time between their houses, even after the baby is born, but I just don't know. That sounds so… unsettled."

"But I thought you said you haven't been to the Cullen's house much at all since everything happened, and that you still keep having anxiety issues every time you even think about going there?" he questioned.

"I know," I said quietly. "I'm working on it… but they understand. They've been coming to see me at my dad's house since they've been back in town, and Esme takes me to all my doctor appointments, but they're still hoping I'll be able to stay there again soon. So… I guess we will just have to wait and see."

"Well, like I said before, just let me know if there's anything I can do to help," he said kindly.

I smiled at him. "Thanks, but I'm already taking advantage of your help with this schedule. I can't ask for anything more than that from you."

"Sure you can. What are friends for?"

"Well, I appreciate it, but I think I'm good for now. It's been a lot better for me since my dad finished his case. The Cullens are home again too, so… I'm doing okay."

"And yet, you're still stretching yourself entirely too thin," he retorted. "You're just as busy as you were over the summer; probably even more-so, since now you have homework on top of your long hours here and at school. You should really cut back a little."

"I'm fine!" I insisted, trying not to get angry. I was so sick and tired of all the lectures. In fact, part of the reason I was staying so busy was to avoid the incessant lecturing from everyone.

Nobody understood. I had to keep moving, otherwise I was sure to drown.

"Okay," Mike said gently, clearly trying to diffuse my oncoming bitterness towards him and his unsolicited advice. "All I'm saying is that it's just about time for another beach trip."

I shook my head no. "I can't miss anymore hours in here than I already am, and with school…"

"I just so happen to know you don't work tomorrow since Jessica asked to take that shift, and there's no school on Saturdays, so no excuses. We need to get out there and decompress."

Without having a good enough reason to get out of it, I reluctantly agreed, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't secretly hope Jessica would call in sick so I'd have to work after all.

The day dragged on, but eventually it was time for my doctor appointment, so I allowed myself to feel some excitement. It was always a good day when I got to see my little peanut. It was truly the pickup I always needed to keep me going.

"Hey sweetheart," Esme said as I got into her car. "How was your day?"

"Boring," I said honestly.

"Well, hopefully it's going to be far less boring here soon. Maybe we will finally get to see the gender," she said eagerly.

"I swear it moves around all the time, but then it just refuses to cooperate for these things," I said with a light laugh.

"Emmett was the same way. He would not open his legs for anything. And then on my last appointment before he was born, we finally saw his little penis. Alice cried and cried. She wanted a sister so badly."

I smiled at her story, but then I couldn't help but think about all the horrors poor little Alice went through not long after that. Emmett was just a few months old when Alice was kidnapped, and after a couple years of torture, she had a little baby boy of her own – A little baby boy that would try to kill himself eighteen years later.

"Bella, honey… are you okay?" Esme asked when she noticed my eyes squeezed shut tightly, as I tried to fight away the violent memory.

"Mm-hmm," I mumbled, and then I tried to force my eyes open. I needed to get my mind off of it, so I tried to think of anything else. "So, how's Emmett doing at school? I hardly see him anymore since he rented that place with Rose to be closer to campus."

"Oh, you probably talk to him more than I do. He is almost as busy as you are with his job and school. I don't know how he and Rose even have time to spend together. But I do know he's been meaning to head over here to take you to lunch."

"Me?" I asked surprised. "That's sweet, but why?"

"Are you kidding? He misses you like crazy. You've always been a sister to him. Of course he loves Alice, and all, but they had a hard time connecting. Not like he always has with you, anyway. Besides, he hasn't seen you with your big belly yet. It seemed to really pop out these past few weeks."

"I know, I feel huge all of a sudden," I agreed.

"Oh sweetheart, you're only going to get bigger."

"Ugh," I moaned playfully.

When the baby refused to cooperate and we still couldn't see the gender, I figured it was probably for the best. Alice wouldn't be home from Canada for several more weeks, and I knew she'd love to find out that surprise right along with us, so I was happy to wait for it as well.

After Esme dropped me off back at Charlie's house, I got dinner prepared and in the oven, and as I waited for my dad and Jasper to get home, I did my homework. I actually had quite a bit of it for the week, so I wasn't about to put it off until the last minute. I was only taking a couple General Ed courses, so it shouldn't have been overwhelming, but I was still struggling with it all. My nightmares continued to keep me awake most nights, so I found it incredibly hard to concentrate, therefore my grades were suffering. I wasn't failing, but I definitely wasn't doing as well as I should have been.

That night my nightmares were at their bloody worst, and I was pretty burned out the next day, so I was happy to have an excuse to get out of the beach with Mike, but I should have known he wouldn't give up that easily…

"So, since you bailed on my yesterday, I'm forcing you to come out with me today," Mike said as I was finishing my work shift that Sunday afternoon.

"I still have way too much homework" I told him unwavering.

"The beach is fifteen minutes away, and I already packed a picnic lunch. You have to eat, especially for that baby," he said, refusing to back down.

"Mike…"

"Don't 'Mike' me. We need to go, even if it's only for a little bit. Come on. Clock out and get your coat."

It wasn't my first time going back to the beach with him since we decided we could be friends, but I never really felt comfortable with it, and I always tried to find ways to get out of it. However, it seemed that particular time, I was stuck.

Mike packed all my favorite snacks, and a sandwich he knew I'd like, and then we sat there and watched the waves for a while. He seemed to thoroughly enjoy himself as he kept blabbing on and on about a bunch of crap that I was regretfully not listening to. I wasn't trying to be rude, but it was hard for me to focus on his problems when I had a million things on my mind.

Finally, after an hour and a half, he agreed to take me back to the store, so I could grab my truck and go home.

"Thank you, for forcing me out today," I said graciously as he walked me to where I was parked. "Sorry I wasn't better company "

"Nah, I had a blast. I think we should make a habit out of it. Once a week. We can do every Sunday afternoon."

"Uh, there's no way I can commit to that," I said while opening my truck door.

"Okay, but at least once a month," he suggested.

I shrugged. "Maybe. We will have to play it by ear."

He nodded. "Okay. Well, we will plan something in a few weeks then."

"Okay, great. I don't work again until Wednesday, so I'll see you then," I told him while turning to my opened truck door so I could get in.

"Bella, wait," Mike said, and then everything was a blur as he grabbed ahold of me, and kissed me hard and fast.

I didn't even realize what was happening until I heard someone say "What the fuck?"

His lips were only on mine for a second, but it was enough to change everything. I pulled back, and turned to see Emmett standing there looking seriously pissed, and then I felt all the heat rush from my face. He quickly turned and stormed away, so I tried to follow him, but Mike grabbed my arm.

"Bella, I need you to know…"

But he didn't have time to finish his words because I quickly punched him on the jaw - which I was sure only hurt me more than him. "What the hell, Mike!" I shouted, just as I saw Emmett's car speeding out of the parking lot. "Damn it!" I screamed. "Why did you do that? Why couldn't you just be my friend like you said you would?" I cried.

"I am your friend, but I love you. I love you so much, and no matter how hard I try, I cant turn it off. You're freaking pregnant with some other guy's baby, and I don't care. Bella, I promise you, I will love that baby like it's my own."

I shook my head angrily, so he added – "Look, if you're still not ready, I understand, but someday… someday you might be, and I'm going to be here waiting for you."

"I thought you understood," I said with a huff. "It doesn't matter how much time goes by, I'll still always… wish Edward was here with me. Even if he never came back, it just wouldn't be fair to anyone else, so I'm not dating at all. You said you understood that. You said you just wanted to be my friend. I needed a friend, Mike! Now it's all just ruined," I said with tears streaming down my face.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I won't do that again. I just thought maybe you were feeling it too. We will just forget it ever happened, okay?"

I shook my head. "I cant," I said before getting into my truck, and driving as fast as legally possible to see if I could catch up with Emmett.

He may have been like a brother to me, but Em loved Edward with a fierceness, and he was the only person in our family that was confident we were going to end up together. I didn't share in his optimism that Edward would even ever come home at all, but I hated knowing he got the wrong idea from what he saw, and I was determined to explain what really happened.

The truth was that Edward didn't want me, and he was gone, and I was single, so if I wanted to kiss someone I had every right to, but that didn't change the fact that I absolutely hated the idea of Emmett even thinking that was something I wanted to do. Maybe a part of me needed Em's unyielding faith in Edward's love for me, because he was the only one who had it left, and he was the only one who gave me even the slightest sliver of hope, but I knew that was all washed away in that one stupid moment. I suppose my life was always going to be defined in horrible moments, and it just made me sick.

But the worst part of it all was knowing it was, once again, entirely my fault. I should have known Mike would do something like that. I knew he still had feelings for me, but I was living in such denial because I was so desperate for a friend, any friend, and it came back to bite me in the ass.

Why did I keep putting myself in those horrible situations?

I only wished that horrible situation was the worst one I found that day.

My mind was so clouded by what had just happened, that I didn't notice the stop sign until it was too late. The last thing I saw before everything went dark, was the front of a full size van as it slammed hard into the side of my truck...

 **…**

 *****A/N: This is me hiding from all your rotten tomatoes. Lol. I know this chapter probably made a lot of people angry, but try to have a little faith. Some things are necessary for story and character development ;-)**

 **Thanks!**


	27. Wakeup Call

**Chapter 27 – Wake-up Call**

Everything was dark, but occasionally I could hear strange muffled noises, and what almost sounded like people talking, but I couldn't seem to understand any of the words.

I had no idea how much time passed, or what was even going on. I just felt so disoriented and confused. Was I awake, or stuck in one of those bewildering dreams? I simply didn't know.

Sometime later I started seeing flashes of light. I tried to force my eyes open, but it almost felt like there were weights attached to my eyelids. I tried to move, but my body felt stiff and heavy, as if I suddenly weighed eight hundred pounds.

Eventually the confusing haze began to thin, and I was able to slightly comprehend what had happened. My very first thought was…

"My baby," I heard my voice mumble. I may have even repeated it a few times, but I wasn't quite sure.

"Its okay. Try to relax and stay calm," I heard a voice say. The voice was familiar, but I couldn't quite place it through the confusion.

Everything was dark and silent again, but after a while longer, finally I was able to open my eyes, and I realized I was in a hospital. Even though my arm still felt heavy, I was able to move my hand to my stomach, and I was so incredibly relieved when I could still feel the large bump that my baby was currently calling home.

Somehow I found the strength to move my neck so I could see the monitor that was reading my baby's heart rate, and thankfully there was a steady sequence of beautiful little spikes.

"Baby is looking good," that familiar voice said, so I turned towards it and saw Carlisle in his white doctor's coat. "Welcome back," he said to me with a smile. "Are you in any pain?"

My first reaction was to shake my head no, but as I did so, a throbbing ache seemed to shoot right through my brain.

"Headache?" Carlisle assumed from whatever expression I was wearing. I must have nodded or confirmed it somehow, so he called in a nurse and told them to give me some kind of pain relief. I didn't want it.

"No, I don't want to take anything," I was able to tell him.

"Bella, he wouldn't give you anything that would hurt the baby," I heard another voice say. I turned towards the sound and saw my dad, sitting there in one of the chairs, and he wasn't alone - Esme and Emmett were both sitting beside him, and though Charlie and Esme looked concerned, Emmett was an absolute mess. His face was all puffy and blotchy like he had been sobbing for days.

"The pain medicine I want to give you is perfectly safe to take while pregnant, but if you're uncomfortable with it, I understand. It's completely up to you," Carlisle told me.

I instinctually looked towards the only other mother in the room, and Esme nodded back at me with a smile of encouragement, but I just couldn't do it, so I looked at Carlisle and shook my head no. "I don't want to take anything."

"Bella, you have a concussion," my dad told me. "You should take something so you can relax and heal."

Once again, I shook my head no.

"You are just as stubborn as your mother was," he murmured with a heavy smile.

"As long as the baby is okay, I'll be fine," I told them.

"Fortunately, the van that hit you slammed hard on their breaks," Carlisle informed me. "The impact wasn't too severe, so you weren't tossed around much. You probably would have made it out of it with just a few bruises and a seatbelt laceration if you didn't bang your head into the window."

"So the baby isn't hurt at all?" I questioned.

"Not that we can see. You'll need to stay in here a couple days for monitoring though, just to be safe," Carlisle told me. "Now, I know you just woke up, but you need to try to get some more sleep."

"Shouldn't we be trying to keep her awake with a concussion?" my dad asked full of concern.

"That's mainly when someone is away from the hospital. We'll keep a close eye on her. She'll be fine," Carlisle said while patting my dad on his shoulder. "Come on, let's let her get some rest," he then told Esme and Emmett.

They followed him out, but my dad stayed in the room with me, and of course, it was time for more lecturing.

"Hey kiddo. Are you really feeling okay?" he asked gently. I nodded, so he smiled. "Thank God! For a minute there, I thought you were leaving me to go be with your mom."

"I'm okay, dad," I told him.

"I know. You're the toughest person I know… What were you doing, sweetheart? There were a couple witnesses that said you ran straight through the stop sign. I'm just so glad that van was able to slow down before it hit you. It could have been so much worse."

I sighed. "I don't know what happened. I didn't see the sign until it was too late."

Charlie huffed. "That's it! I'm going to call that grocery store, and tell them you won't be back."

"Dad, no…"

"Bella, you need to take a step back and do what's best for yourself. You can't keep going on like this. If this isn't a huge wakeup call for you, I don't know what is. You were so incredibly lucky. That accident could have been so much worse. The baby could have died. You could have died. I know you want to be self sufficient, but this has to stop."

"If I leave my job, I'm going to have an incredibly hard time finding another one within forty miles," I argued feebly. Deep down I knew he was right, but I was scared. If I had too much time on my hands, I knew my nightmares would be constantly leaking into the day time, and I worried they'd swallow me whole.

"Your future is not in that grocery store," my dad said intensely. "You don't need to work. I will help you financially, and the Cullens will help, and everything will be okay. It's not an option, Bella. You have to do this for your health."

"Okay," I whispered. It wasn't even really about the job itself for me, not completely anyway, it was about staying busy, so I figured I would just pick up more units at school, and hopefully that would keep my mind occupied enough to ward off the horrific images.

Charlie was satisfied by my agreement on he matter, so he sighed with relief. "I need to do better too. I've been leaving you alone far too much…"

"Dad, I'm an adult. It's not your job to babysit me all the time anymore."

"You will always be my daughter, no matter how old you get. I'm going to cut back my hours and make sure you get everything you need, and I'm going to insist you see that therapist Carlisle recommended for you."

"No. I told you before, I don't want to go to a therapist. They're going to make me talk about it, and I can't. I don't want to even think about it," I said, starting to get worked up again.

"Bella, not talking about it certainly isn't helping you. You're never going to heal if you keep it all buried all the time. Eventually, it's going to come out one way or another. It's better if it's in a secure place like a doctor's office. It's necessary, or it will haunt you forever."

"It will haunt me forever anyway," I murmured. "Dad, I'm actually really tired," I told him, hoping he'd give me some time to myself.

"Okay, but..." He looked behind himself towards the door that opened to the hall. "Emmett's waiting to talk to you. I can tell him later if you want."

I took a deep breath. "Actually, I really need to talk to him too."

"Alright, I'll go tell him you're ready for him," my dad said before leaning down, and kissing me on my forehead. "I won't be far."

"Okay."

My dad left, and Em came in looking horrible. His face was still all puffy from crying, and he had the saddest look in his eyes as he walked over to me and sat in the chair my dad left vacant.

"You don't look so good," I told him with a little laugh, hoping to break the ice just a bit.

"Are you really okay?" he asked emotionally.

I nodded. "I think so. Besides this terrible headache, I feel okay."

"Jesus, Bella. I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have run off like that. You were trying to catch up with me, weren't you?"

"I didn't want you to think…"

"You know what, it doesn't matter what I thought. It's not my business who you date. I was just being stupid. Gah! I don't know why I do that. It's like I'm some little kid that just wants his parents together. I just… I hate that you're back with that guy because I think he's a jackass, but it's not my business. I'm really sorry, Bella."

"It wasn't your fault. I wasn't paying attention. I've been really distracted lately. And no, it's not your business who I date, but I still want you to know that was a split second thing. What you didn't see was me slapping him afterwards. He knew I wasn't ready to date, and he kissed me anyway. It's just so screwed up. I really honestly just thought we could be friends. It was stupid of me."

"Well, I'm still sorry," Em told me. "I would have never forgiven myself if you were more seriously injured. Thank God you're going to be okay."

Em promised to make more time to spend with me as well, and also to back off when it came to my romantic life, and then he left me alone so I could sleep. Thankfully I quickly drifted off quickly, and wasn't plagued by my nightmares. Perhaps my head just hurt too bad to conjure anything.

I woke up a few times when the nurses would come in to check on me and the baby, but I was able to fall right back to sleep. As dawn approached the following morning, however, I was suddenly wide awake as I noticed a particular and completely unexpected visitor sitting next to me.

"Alice?" I nearly shouted. I wasn't even sure if she was really there or if I was dreaming. "What are you doing here?" I asked, knowing she had several more weeks left at that camp.

"Are you kidding?" she replied, almost sounding insulted I would ask such a question. "You were in an accident. How could I be anywhere else?"

"Didn't your parents tell you it was minor, and I'm only in here as a precaution?" I asked, hating she left for nothing.

"There's no such thing as a minor accident," she told me. "You're in the hospital, so this is where I need to be too."

"But the program? You shouldn't have left Edward there. He needs you so much more right now."

"I didn't leave him," she said, taking me aback. "He wasn't about to stay there with you in the hospital either."

"Edward is here?" I asked as my heart just about jumped into my throat.

"Of course. We've been here for the past couple hours as you've been sleeping. He was sitting right there until about five minutes ago when I practically begged him to go get me something from the cafeteria. I'm not really hungry, but he was badgering the nurses so I figured he needed a break."

"Badgering the nurses?" I asked confused.

"They said you've been sleeping for the past twelve hours, so he freaked out and said they weren't doing their jobs right. He even yelled at one of the girls saying your IV looked crooked." Alice giggled.

My heart was racing from even the idea of being that close to Edward again, and I wasn't sure if it was excitement, or panic. The last image I had of him continued to haunt me, and I wasn't sure how that would affect the way I'd see him now. I couldn't even picture him awake and healthy anymore, and it terrified me.

Suddenly I felt like I couldn't catch my breath, and I was quickly overtaken by a soaking of cold sweats.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Alice asked concerned.

"I'm fine, I just…"

The monitor started beeping as my heart rate shot up, and then the pounding in my head felt more like a jackhammer.

"I'm, I'm going to go get someone," Alice said anxiously, before quickly leaving the room.

Less than a minute later, Carlisle rushed in, and immediately started taking my vitals.

"Bella, this is another anxiety attack. You need to try to calm down." He turned to Alice, who had followed him back into the room. "What were you talking about when the symptoms started?"

She shrugged. "I was telling her Edward was being mean to the nurses, and then…" she pointed at me.

"All her attacks are centered around him," Carlisle speculated. "I thought it was just about how she found him in our house, but now I think it's him himself."

"No, I…" I wanted to argue with him, but we both knew he was right. The very thought of even just seeing him again freaked me out, I only wished I could figure out how to control it.

"Alice, why don't you go get something to eat?" Carlisle suggested.

"Edward is getting me something from the cafeteria," she told him casually.

"Alice, please," he said while gesturing towards the door.

"Oh, you mean you need me to go out so you can talk to Bella alone, right?" she asked, suddenly understanding his not so subtle meaning.

"Just for a little bit," he said with a smile.

"Okay," she told him before looking back at me. "I'll be back soon."

I nodded, and then watched her leave, before turning to look at Carlisle questionably.

"Bella, I want to bring in the on-call emotional therapist. I think she's actually already in the building with another patient. These panic attacks have been going on too long now. It's affecting your overall health. But I can't bring her in here unless you agree to it."

"I just don't want to talk about any of it to anyone," I told him.

"But you must. I know Edward wants to come in here, but I'm not going to let him if it's going to cause this kind of reaction from you. Do you even want to see him at this point? I know you two have a… complicated relationship, but I do think there are important things for you to discuss with each other."

"To be honest, I really thought he'd finish the camp, and then disappear again. He told me he'd never come back here."

Carlisle nodded. "And I think he meant that at the time. But… perhaps he's had a change of heart… and perhaps not. I don't know, but what I do know is that he rushed back here as soon as he heard what happened. Nobody forced him, or even had to convince him. It was his choice. You won't know how he feels or what he's thinking until you talk to him, and you can't talk to him if you're having panic attacks from just thinking about him. You need to find a way to work through the issue, and you need help doing it."

I took a deep breath, and reluctantly nodded in agreement.

I wanted to get better, really I did, I was just terrified. If I let him back in, even just a little, how would I survive losing him again? I wasn't sure if I could, but Carlisle was right, I needed to find a way to be stronger than I currently was. I needed to take back control of my life, and my emotions. I needed to find a way to finally move on from that horrible moment, and perhaps facing it head on was the only way to do it.

"So, is that a yes?" Carlisle asked unsure. "I can't bring the therapist in here unless you agree," he reiterated.

"Yes, I would like to talk to her," I said as confidently as possible.

"Good," Carlisle said. "I'm going to see if she's available now, and I'm going to tell Edward he needs to give you a little space."

I wanted to tell him that I've had plenty of space already, and a major part of me wanted nothing more than to jump out of that bed, and run out there to find him and never let him go, but the part of me that was scared refused to let any of that happen. Instead, I just stayed still, and kept my mouth shut.

Carlisle headed towards the door, and for whatever reason, my eyes followed him. When he walked out of the room, I could see through the window that he stopped suddenly, and then he raised his hand and placed it on someone's shoulder. Even though I couldn't see his face, I knew immediately it was Edward. He was really there. He really came back. And now he needed to stand there and listen to Carlisle tell him he wasn't allowed to come into my room.

It was utterly heartbreaking…


	28. Letters

**Chapter 28 – Letters**

"So then there was this huge beetle, and all the girls started screaming… even some of they boys were screaming, but Edward just walked right up to it, and picked it up with his bare hands, and carried it out of the mess hall. I guess the years of chasing roaches in the basement helped him with that kind of thing. I'm just glad he didn't eat it like he used to when he was little," Alice said with a giggle.

I had been home for a little over a day and a half, and finally, after incessant begging on her part, Carlisle brought Alice to visit me. She wanted to see me the day before, but he had insisted that they give me a little while to settle back in.

My therapy session had been intense, and it completely drained me, so I appreciated the extra time to decompress, but I was over the moon excited to have Alice be able to come visit that day. She was absolutely in love with my stomach, and she kept talking to the baby in the hopes it would recognize her voice after it was born. I thought it was very sweet, and I actually loved every minute of it.

"So… I noticed you started referring to him as _Edward_ again?" I questioned hesitantly.

She looked at me confused. "Didn't you read any of the letters I sent you?"

"Um… I wanted to," I admitted reluctantly. "I just… couldn't."

Alice had sent me at least two dozen letters since she had been gone, but after the first one, I was too much of a coward to open the rest. I had been trying so hard to avoid anything to do with Edward, and I knew she had written all about him, so I just couldn't go there. I had also written to her a few times to keep her up to speed with my pregnancy and all, but other than that, my life had been so monotonous and dull, full of nothing but work, so I never had anything else to tell her about. Now that she was sitting in front of me again, I realized just how wrong I was. She had taken the time to write, the least I could have done was to read them, and now I felt like crap.

"I saved all of them though," I told her, as if that would make it any less offensive.

"Oh, well you should read them," she said casually, and I was so grateful she didn't seem upset with me.

"I will… So, you wrote to me about why you stopped calling him _Teddy_?" I asked awkwardly.

She sighed. "He asked me to stop calling him _Teddy_. I didn't want to, but I didn't want to make him uncomfortable even more. I guess it doesn't really matter what I call him, I'm just glad he's actually talking to me now."

"Do you know if he's remembered anything from your time in the basement?" I then asked carefully, and seriously hoped it wouldn't upset her. We were at a strange time. Alice had been so fragile in the past, but the Alice sitting in front of me currently didn't seem like she was sensitive about any topic. It was almost disorienting, but absolutely incredible at the same time.

"Actually, he has remembered little things. He'd ask me if certain stuff really happened, or if he just imagined it. He told me it was mainly just little blips - whatever that means. Sometimes I just don't know what he's talking about. It's like we speak two different languages."

"I think that's true in most parent-child relationships," I told her.

"You're probably right. My dad makes no sense to me either. He starts talking in medical terms, and I'm just so confused."

I laughed. "I think sometimes your dad confuses just about everyone with his big technical words."

"Really? Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one."

"You're definitely not the only one," I assured her.

"Hey, when's your next doctor's appointment?" she asked eagerly. "My mom said she's been taking you, but I want to go to one."

"Oh, I just had one, so not until next month. I'm sure you'll be back at the camp by then. When are you planning on leaving?"

"We're not going back," she said unexpectedly.

"You're not? But you still have like two months left, or something like that, right?"

"Yeah, but my dad said it was our choice if we wanted to go back, and after everything that happened, I don't want to go so far away again," she said casually, as if it wasn't a big deal. However to me, it was the biggest deal ever…

"I don't understand. How do you even have a choice? If that camp was a choice, then Edward would have never gone in the first place," I said confused. "He's eighteen, so unless it was part of his sentence…"

"It wasn't part of it. He completed his sentence at that facility," she told me.

"Well, how did you guys get him to go then?"

"We had to convince him. During those six weeks in that facility, we would talk to him about it every time we visited. I think that's the real reason why my dad wanted to rent that apartment to be closer to him. He knew he couldn't force him to go to the camp, so he needed to use every opportunity he could to try to talk to him about it before he was released. But, you know what? It actually didn't take too long for him to decide he wanted to get better for you, so he agreed to the camp after just a couple weeks."

"Wait, he wanted to get better for _me_?" I asked, as my heart felt like it dropped into my stomach.

"He knows he screwed up. He went to that camp to fix it. He said he wanted to talk to you even before he was sent to that mandated facility, but you never visited him in the hospital."

"I… I didn't think he wanted me to. He said he couldn't be with me. We were together that night, and he told me it was over, and then he hurt himself, so…" I let my words trail off as I was lost in bewilderment. I just didn't understand any of it, and I began to question everything that I had thought I was so sure of before.

"Bella, are you having one of those panic thingies again?" Alice asked me concerned. I didn't even realize my breathing had spiked, but somehow I was able to force myself to calm down.

"No. I'm okay," I assured her. "Alice… was he… was he upset when your dad told him he couldn't see me in the hospital?"

"Yeah. He was pretty upset."

"Like angry?"

"No, he said he understood, but he was really sad about it. He loves you a lot, but I think he doesn't know how to be a good boyfriend. I should tell Jasper to talk to him."

"Jasper?" I asked perplexed.

Alice shrugged. "I just think Jasper would know how to be a good boyfriend. He wrote to me twice a week when I was gone, and then he brought me flowers when I came home. Oh, I know, I'll tell Edward to bring you flowers!" she said excitedly.

"Uh…" I didn't know how to respond to that. Was Jasper really romancing Alice? I just couldn't even imagine her dating anyone. I sincerely hoped he wasn't just giving her the wrong idea, because that would be a horrible blow to her fragile emotions. Then again, it was clear to see that Alice was so much stronger than any of us ever gave her credit for.

"Don't worry about it, Bella. Once Jasper talks to Edward, I'm sure he will be a much better boyfriend, and you guys can make up," Alice added.

"Um… I'm not sure flowers will fix our issues," I told her, wishing beyond wishes it was that simple.

"It may not fix it, but it can't hurt," she replied sweetly.

Alice and Carlisle hung out with my dad and me until dinner time, and then they went back to their house. I hardly touched my food that evening, so my dad became concerned.

"Bella, what a wrong?" he asked me

"Alice and Edward aren't going back to the camp," I said absently.

"Yeah, Carlisle said he can't force them, so I'm not exactly sure what they're going to do. He mentioned Edward getting a job. He said he needs to help provide for the baby, so that'll be a good thing."

"Where is he going to get a job at?" I asked, choosing to ignore the _"providing for the baby"_ part. Even if Edward still loved me, I knew he adamantly didn't want to be a father, so I wasn't about to believe that one for a second. Perhaps it was only wishful thinking on Carlisle's part.

"Uh, actually he's going to be an EMT," Charlie said, seemingly out of left field.

"What?" I asked in disbelief. "How?"

"Apparently the facility he was at, and the camp, both had job training. He first got his high school diploma, and then he started in on the basic EMT intensive course, which I guess he did really well at. I suppose growing up around all that medical stuff made it a little easier for him. They said all he has to do is put in some hours with a real ambulance crew, and then pass the test, and he will get his certificate and be able to start working. Carlisle knows all the local EMTs, so he should be hired right away. I also hooked him up with Harry, down at the res, and he's going to be doing some part-time handy work with him when he needs some extra help, which lately he's needed a lot of extra help."

I was speechless.

It all sounded almost too good to be true, so I was wary. I couldn't allow myself to be hopeful when it all could still come crashing down. With my luck, none of it would ever come into fruition. The universe just wasn't that good of a place.

I had no idea if Edward would actually be around for the long run, but I couldn't allow myself to count on it, at least not yet. But what I did need to do, was try to make the thought of him hurt less so that he could be in the baby's life if he so chose. I still couldn't imagine it, but on the off chance it was true, I needed to be prepared emotionally.

So I turned in for the night, and then braced myself as I opened Alice's first letter…

...

 _Dearest Bella,_

 _I cant even describe this place to you properly. It's like six grade camp on steroids. There are far too many bugs here. I only hope Teddy doesn't try to eat any…_

 _..._

The letter continued in length about their accommodations, and how Edward hated everything about it and was very grumpy, but her tone was nothing but hopeful. The next couple of letters were much the same, as well as a detailed account of the way Edward asked her to stop calling him _Teddy_. However, when I got to the fourth letter, I was absolutely shocked by its content. It wasn't even from Alice, it was from Edward…

...

 _Bella,_

 _I don't know if you've given up on me, or if you just have nothing to say, but I keep waiting for some kind of word from you. Any word at all. I guess I'm just waiting for some hope…._

 _..._

My heart began to speed, and I could feel the panic threaten to take over, but shockingly, my curiosity somehow overpowered it. The fact that he had written to me at all was surprising enough, but it almost read like it wasn't his first letter, which only confused me even more.

I quickly scanned through the rest of the letters, and then realized that while most of the return addresses were from that camp, a few were from an address I didn't recognize. I looked closer and saw that the envelopes had been opened and resealed with tape, and then I understood. They were from the mental health facility he was in before he went to the camp. I was sure I never got a letter while he was there, so they must have been held up in the system since technically he was a prisoner at the time.

He had been writing me all along, and I ignored him.

 _I freaking ignored him!_

Once again, I wronged him in such a hurtful way, and I didn't know how I would ever fix it.

I immediately started crying. Just knowing he didn't forget me, and he cared enough to take the time to write, meant the entire world to me. I also cried for the pain I know I caused him from not writing back. It absolutely gutted me. How could I have been so stupid, and so ignorantly heartless?

I fought my tears so I could see enough to read his words, because I absolutely owed him that. I owed him so much more, but that was the very least I could do, and it was the most I could do at the same time.

I figured out which was his first letter, and decided to read that one first.

 _…_

 _Bella,_

 _I hate this. I hate every minute of this hell hole, but I hate what I did to you more, so I suppose I deserve far worse._

 _I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for what happened. I wish I could explain it to you. I wish I could somehow make you understand, but I don't know how I'd even begin. I tried putting it into words, but as I wrote down exactly what I was feeling when I did what I did, it just seemed so hollow and insincere. I need to tell you in person. I need you to know my truth. I promise you, no, I swear to you, as soon as I'm done with all this, I'm going to explain it to you, and then I'll fall to my knees and beg you to forgive me…._

...

I had to pause because my tears were clouding my vision to the point of blindness, so I wiped them away, and fought through them for the rest of the letter.

…

 _The things I did and said to you were unforgivable, and I know that, but someday I'm going to ask for your forgiveness anyway, because I don't know how to function in this world without you. I love you so much, and I know I did my best to prove otherwise, but it's always been true. I only hope I'll find a way to deserve your trust in me again someday._

 _I know you probably hate me for everything I did, but please write back to me. I just need to hear from you. I need to know you're okay. If you want me to leave you alone, just tell me. Tell me anything you want, just tell me something._

 _I love you,_

 _xEdward_

…

I was going to be sick. I never felt so low about anything in my life. He needed me, and I let him down. How could I do that to him? I had been so wrapped up in my own issues, that I completely missed those vital letters. I could only imagine how that made him feel.

It took me most of the night as I struggled with the heartbreak – both his and mine, but eventually I read each and every letter. Out of the twenty four letters I thought were from Alice, twenty of them were actually from Edward, and each one was more lonely and disheartening than the last. With every letter, I could actually feel his loss of hope as I continued to not respond to them… but he ended every letter with an _'I love you.'_

I was an absolute mess of emotions that night. I could never find the words that properly described just how deeply grateful, and relieved, and hopeful I was from learning he still loved me and was fighting to be with me after all that time, but I also felt overwhelming guilt and fear as well.

My anxieties weren't cured, and the thought of seeing him again was still freaking me out. In fact, I was terrified that my panic attacks were going to grow tenfold just from knowing how badly he had wanted to see me. What if I still couldn't face him? It was never about my heartbreak, it was about the blood, and the realization that it had been my fault - I told him he was adopted, so he ran away. I told him about the baby, so he tried to kill himself. It was all my fault, and I didn't know how to fix it within my own mind.

But I had to do something, so I took a deep breath, and picked up my phone. I stared at it for a really long time, and then my baby kicked me hard in the ribs.

"You're right. I just have to get it over with," I told my stomach while running it tenderly.

My hands were shaking, so I had a hard time punching the right letters on my keyboard. After the fifth attempt, I was finally able to spell everything right, so I took another deep breath, and sent the text…

 _ **B~** Hey. You awake?_

After five minutes passed of nothing, the angry butterflies in my stomach almost made me give up, but then I saw those little bouncing dots, which signified that he was typing, and my nerves spiked.

.•°•..•°•..

 _ **E~** Hey beautiful. I'm always awake it seems. Are you okay?_

I smiled at the screen, and immediately felt like I could breathe again for the first time in such a long time.

 _ **B~** You should probably see someone about your insomnia_.

I felt like an idiot after writing that, but I honestly didn't know what else to say. It was awkward, but it wasn't awkward at the same time. It was definitely uncharted territory for us. We had known each other since we were five, but our relationship had been on a rollercoaster ever since. We started out as closer than best friends, and then we pretended to hate each other, only to fall into such an intense obsessive love that it could do nothing but combust. I just wanted to figure out how to start over in a healthy way.

 _ **E~** Believe it or not, but I actually have been seeing someone about my insomnia. I've been seeing quite a few quacks as of late._

 _ **B~** Anything helping?_

 _ **E~** They all suggest that I make time for friends so my mind can busy itself on other things, but unfortunately my only friend seems to pretty much hate me right now._

 _ **B~** Why does he hate you?_

 _ **E~** SHE hates me because I fucked up one too many times. Can't say I blame her. I'd hate me too. I do, in fact._

I sighed.

 _ **B~** I could never hate you._

 _ **E~** No? Just strongly dislike then?_

I smiled. I could almost see his crooked smirk, as if he was saying that to me in person… but then that image morphed into the last image I had of him –unconscious and covered in blood – and I threw my phone across my bed….


	29. Close Encounter

**Chapter 29 – Close Encounter**

I sat there still for a few moments, and just listened to my phone beep from his texts. After it went quiet for several long minutes, I tried to force myself to pick it back up, but suddenly I was overwhelmingly drained. I closed my eyes, only for a second, and the next thing I knew, it was morning.

My phone was still lying next to me on the bed, so I grabbed it quickly, and read his last few messages…

 _ **E~** Bella?_

 _ **E~** Bella, you there?_

 _ **E~** I'm sorry. I know it will never be enough, but I truly am._

 _ **E~** I don't want to push you, so I'll stop bugging you now. I hope you find a way to get some sleep. Good night_

 _ **E~** I love you_

One again, I left him hanging, and I felt like shit. Why did I keep doing that to him? My stomach twisted as I thought about him lying awake that night, and waiting anxiously for me to get back to him, but I never did. It made me nauseous.

It was probably too little, too late, but I had to let him know I didn't do it intentionally…

 _ **B~** I'm sorry. I must have fallen asleep last night_

 _ **B~** I read your letters… finally. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you had written to me sooner. Thank you for them. It means a lot you were thinking about me._

I waited for a response from him, but there was nothing. I watched my phone for over an hour, hoping he would get back to me, and when he didn't, I got scared.

What if something happened to him?

What if he took my lack of a response the night before as some kind of confirmation that I really did hate him, and as a result he did something drastic like hurt himself again?

"Come on, Bella," I said to myself. "He's probably just busy. Stop being paranoid."

But it was easier said than done. I worried about him for the entire morning, and of course I had new subject matter to discuss at my therapy appointment that day.

I absolutely loathed therapy. I was currently scheduled for twice a week, and I was dreading every last one of them. There was nothing worse than talking about my issues with a virtual stranger, and then I basically spent the rest of the day shaking and freaking out from the subject matter. I didn't understand how it could possibly be helping, but I was determined to keep going. Perhaps eventually I would be able to discuss everything a little more easily, and that was my ultimate goal.

When my session was done for the day, I went back up to my room and just hid in the darkness as I fought off all the violent images. I wanted to scream, and I was screaming within my own mind, but I kept it silent to the outside world. The last thing I wanted to do was disturb my dad and Jasper, who happen to both have the day off of work that day.

After a couple hours the pain lessened and I was able to think a little more clearly, and the first thing I saw coming out of the darkness, was my phone, which was flashing with some kind of notification.

I quickly turned on the screen, and my heart jumped from seeing that Edward had text me back at some point that day. I couldn't open it fast enough, and I found myself smiling at his words, even though they weren't funny…

 _ **E~** Most of those letters were pretty stupid. I don't blame you for not reading them sooner._

 _ **B~** Maybe I didn't read your letters after all, because I certainly didn't read anything stupid._

It only took a few moments for him to respond…

 _ **E~** Well, I guess they weren't stupid if you're interested in rambling nonsense._

 _ **B~** I hope it wasn't all nonsense. They actually meant a lot to me_

 _ **E~** I meant every word. Still do._

I smiled as the butterflies in my stomach tried to break free, but before I could think of a good response, he text again…

 _ **E~** How are you? My dad mentioned that you had therapy today. That sucks._

 _ **B~** Yeah, it was pretty much torture._

 _ **E~** It gets easier though. At least is has for me._

 _ **B~** Yeah, it was only my second one, so I'm hoping it will. If every session is like today's, I don't know how I'll keep going._

He didn't respond for a good five minutes, and when he finally did, it just about broke my heart again…

 _ **E~** Bella, I know I'm the reason you have to endure all that crap, and you'll never know just how sorry I am. If there was a way for me to do that entire night over again, I would. Actually, I wish I could just do the past six months over again. I'm so sorry. I want to see you so freaking bad it hurts, but I know I'm not good for you right now. I only hope someday that will change. I miss you, more than you could ever imagine. I'm so sorry._

I wiped the tears from my face, and agonized over how to respond. I hated that he felt so guilty about everything. I would have given anything to take that burden from him, but I was plagued with so much guilt of my own, and I just didn't know how to move forward.

Since I didn't know what to say to make either of us feel better, I wrote the only truth I was sure of…

 _ **B~** I love you_

 _ **E~** I know_

That did it. Somehow, someway, Edward's response had me laughing and crying at the same time. It was actually a _Star Wars_ reference. We grew up watching the original trilogy, and he had always loved that Han Solo responded to Princess Leia's declaration of love with an "I know". He always said he was determined to use that line one day, but I had bet him he couldn't, or at least wouldn't. I guess he won the bet.

…

For the next couple of weeks, I was forced to deal with some pretty traumatic stuff in my therapy sessions, but the bright light through all that darkness was the fact that Edward and I were basically texting each other regularly. We started every day with a _Good Morning_ , and we would send each other quick little messages throughout the afternoons. We usually tried to keep most of our texts casual, but we always ended the nights with an _I love you_.

I cherished each and every one of his words, but even with continued therapy, I was still having a hard time even imagining what it would be like to see him in person again. I ached for him, but I feared being with him. It was such an impossible situation.

"I don't know what I'm going to do," I said one particular evening. I had been cleaning up the dinner mess, but Edward kept texting me about how he was being forced to watch "some stupid movie", and then I got a text from Alice asking me to come over to watch a movie. I figured she was just trying to get us back together, and I was dying to do that as well, but my nerves just wouldn't allow it.

"Maybe you should just bite the bullet, and make a plan to see him," Jasper suggested.

"Of course you're going to say that. You'd say just about anything Alice wanted you to."

"Um, I do have my own brain. I just think you should rip off the band-aid and get it over with. It'll be easier that way."

"I wish I could. Jazz, just thinking about it is petrifying. I can't even breathe when I think about it."

"Aren't the therapy sessions helping you?" he questioned.

"Don't seem to be. I mean, it has been getting slightly easier to talk about it, but I still can't even think about seeing him again without getting all sweaty and anxious."

"Maybe that's not a bad thing," he said with a smirk.

"No, it's not like that. I wish that's all it was. I feel like I can't breathe, and I start shaking. I can't seem to control it, no matter what I do."

"Well, I don't know. I still think it's best to just get it over with. Maybe your issues will solve themselves after that."

"Maybe. I'm trying to talk myself into just going over there, but obviously I haven't been successful yet."

"When you're ready, you'll know," Jasper said supportively, and then he grabbed his car keys, and headed for the door.

"Where are you off to?" I asked, knowing he just got off work a few hours prior.

"Movie night at the Cullens," he said sheepishly.

I huffed.

"I can give you a ride," he offered.

I sighed. "Not this time. Thanks anyway."

Rather than watch some "stupid movie" – as Edward had called it, I settled in with my dad on the couch, and we watched Jeopardy.

 _Wonderful_.

The next couple of days dragged on, but when I came home from one of my two remaining courses at the local junior college, I was surprised to see a huge bouquet of flowers sitting on the porch.

 _Sweet Alice_. I smiled at the thought. She must have convinced Edward that flowers were the answer afterall. If only it could be that simple.

I pulled out my phone, intent on sending Edward a thank-you text, but something made me pause. For whatever reason, I just had a weird feeling suddenly, so I decided to read the card before I did anything else.

My intuition was right.

The flowers were from Mike.

"Seriously?" I said to myself out loud just as my baby decided to echo my frustrations with a swift kick to my bladder. "And now I have to pee."

Deciding my bathroom visit was of the utmost important thing in that moment, I decided to leave the flowers and rush inside to relieve myself. When I was finished, I walked back out front just as Jasper was arriving home from work.

"Wow, those are extravagant," he said teasingly.

"Jasper, if I asked you to torch the garage you work at, just to send a message to the owner's nephew, would you?"

He chuckled. "Those are from Mike, huh?"

"How'd you guess?" I asked sarcastically.

Mike had also text me several times since he forced his lips on mine the day of my accident, but as I kept telling him, I wasn't interested, and we couldn't even be friends anymore. I appreciated the time he supported me, but that relationship wasn't healthy for me either, and unlike with Edward, I didn't have any reason to fight through all that to fix it. I didn't want to fix it. All I wanted was to wave casually when I passed him by, and leave it at that. Perhaps it was rude of me after the fact that he was my only friend for a time, but I still couldn't help how I felt.

"Are you going to be home tonight for dinner?" I asked Jasper as I grabbed the flowers to toss into the outside trash bin.

"Uh, yeah, I think Alice is planning to go out to eat with Edward and her parents tonight, so I'll be here."

"Its getting kind of serious with her, isn't it?"

His face flushed, and then he smiled. "Is it weird? I don't know. I just always feel so happy when I'm around her, and I miss her like crazy when I'm not."

I smiled back at him. "Well, you better not hurt her. I love you, and all, but she's my baby's grandmother, so I'll have to take her side and pretty much never speak to you again," I threatened lightly.

Jazz chuckled. "I wouldn't have it any other way. And trust me, I have no intentions of ever hurting her. She's like… everything to me."

I raised my brows. "Everything to you, huh? That's so sweet, you ol' granny lover," I joked.

"The fact that Alice is your baby's grandma is really freaking weird," Jasper admitted. "But I don't care. Maybe the baby can call me _grandpa_. I'll be it's hillbilly cousin-grandpa."

I laughed, and just shook my head. "Hey, since you're going to be home for dinner, I'm going to cook something. What do you feel like?"

"Let your dad pick."

"You know he will just tell me not to cook and insist we order out again. I can't stomach anymore fast food or Chinese takeout."

"Pizza?" he suggested.

I pointed my finger inside my mouth, and made a gagging noise. The very thought of pizza made me want to barf.

"Okay, how about spaghetti? That's not hard to cook, right?"

"Alright. I'll run and get the stuff," I told him. He offered to go instead, but I was going a bit stir crazy sitting at home so much, so I was more than eager to go myself. Of course, as a way to avoid certain people, I went all the way across town to a smaller store, which wasn't very well stocked.

"Crap. How can they be out of garlic bread?" I asked myself as I searched the entire tiny bakery. "I guess I'm just going to have to make my own," I mumbled before throwing a loaf of white bread into my cart.

As I headed towards the pasta aisle, I turned the corner a little too quickly, and I rammed my cart right into someone else's.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," I said quickly, but then I immediately froze when I realized who's cart I had hit.

"Hey," Edward said with forced casualness.

I wanted to speak, really I did, but I was completely paralyzed. _Was I even still breathing?_ I couldn't be sure.

Surprisingly, however, it wasn't fear or panic that I found myself stuck in, it was complete and utter astonishment.

He literally took my breath away, in every way shape and form. From the perfect way his hair was styled, to the sexy as hell EMT uniform that clung to his body in all the right places. His skin was more tan than I had ever seen before, and his face, which had looked so skinny and sunken in the last time I saw him, had chiseled and matured in the most wonderful way. Above everything else, he just looked so healthy. So healthy and beautiful. It was by far the most incredible sight I had ever seen.

When I could do nothing but gawk at him, he grew noticeably uncomfortable.

"Are you okay?" he asked concerned.

Somehow I managed to nod, and when I tried to speak again, actual words found their way out. "Yeah, I'm just surprised to see you."

"Yeah, it's a little awkward without a couple of cell phones and several miles between us, huh," he said with the most adorable crooked smile I had ever seen. "I actually came to this particular store so I wouldn't run into you."

"You did?" I asked, feeling my stomach twist painfully.

"Yeah, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I figured I should steer clear of that other store as much as possible."

"I don't work at Newton's anymore," I said quickly. "In fact, I pretty much avoid it whenever possible as well, which is why I'm here."

"It's hard to avoid Newtons in this town," he pointed out.

I shrugged, not really wanting to talk about Mike in any way. "You look really good," I couldn't help but tell him.

"You look amazing," he replied without hesitation.

"Ugh! I look like a beached whale," I disagreed.

"I've never seen you look more beautiful," he said, with his striking emerald eyes piercing right through me.

I wanted to jump into his arms and beg him to take me somewhere, anywhere at all, as long as he never let me go, but my feet remained firmly planted in place.

I cleared my throat. "Your uniform suits you," I said while I continued to just soak in his glorious sight.

He smirked. "You would not believe how many elderly ladies hit on me while I'm wearing this thing. Just this morning a woman walked right up to me, and pinched my butt. No shame. Just a good hard squeeze of my ass. She was like ninety years old!"

I giggled. "Can't say that I blame her."

"Well, I wouldn't mind so much if you did it," he told me.

I smiled at him, but then something in his cart caught my eye. "Are those diapers?"

"Oh, yeah," he said embarrassedly with a shrug. "My mom said they were pretty expensive, and suggested that I start buying them whenever I'm out, just to make it a little easier."

"Your mom?" I questioned. Trying to focus on anything other than the bewilderingly remarkable sight of Edward actually buying diapers. I was sure to melt into a puddle at his feet if I let my attention linger on that for much longer than I already had.

"Esme," he clarified. "I've never called Alice… _mom_ ," he said uncomfortably. "That would just be weird. She doesn't mind though, I guess I never called her that when I was little either… not even before we... came out of… that place."

I nodded in understanding. "Well, that makes sense," I told him.

We stared at each other for several long moments – having so much to say, and yet, nothing at the same time. Just seeing him again, and not being overcome by my panic from that horrible image, was so unexpected and amazing that words weren't even needed right then.

I wanted to hold him.

I wanted to find an island somewhere, so we could be alone forever, and never have to let any cruelties of the rest of the world come between us again, but for some reason, he still seemed to be just out of my reach.

"I'm really glad I got to see you, but I should probably get going," he said after a few more moments. "I was just asked to pick up a few things on my way home from work. If I take too long, I'm sure Alice will send out a search party."

"I wouldn't put it past her," I agreed.

"Hey, feel free to say no, but… can I come over your house tomorrow? I just need to talk to you about something, and I don't think I should text it."

My stomach dropped.

"Its nothing bad," he added quickly.

"Um…"

"Listen, if you decide it's too much, I won't come. Just text me tomorrow if I can. Okay?"

"Okay," I agreed quietly.

"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow then… well, hopefully."

I smiled and nodded at him, but my stomach was in knots. It was so incredibly hard to watch him walk away again, when all I wanted to do was wrap myself around him and never let go. But was I ready for that? Were _we_ ready for that?

I had been stressing about the idea of seeing him again, but Jasper was right, just doing it was exactly what needed to happen. I was so grateful for that unexpected encounter, because I didn't have time to freak myself out, and actually seeing him again was vital for my healing process. I only hoped that beautiful healthy image of him was strong enough to ward off the nightmares…


	30. Sink or Swim

**Chapter 30 – Sink or Swim**

 _It had been such a beautiful night of nothing but his perfection. Every touch, every kiss, it was all so magical. I almost forgot how amazing it felt to fall asleep in his arms, but I knew I'd never be able to sleep alone again. When I woke back up, however, he wasn't in the bed with me._

 _I got up slowly, and put on a robe, and then I saw it… The blood was seeping out from under the bathroom door._

 _I immediately started screaming, but the next thing I knew, I was sitting up in my bed, and I realized it had only been a nightmare. It was so disorienting that I knew I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got dressed and went down stairs, where I was surprised to see my dad already awake._

 _"What time is it?" I asked him with a yawn._

 _"Late. Ten thirty," he replied distractedly._

 _I looked at the TV to see what he was watching so intently, and then I rolled my eyes after seeing it was only just a Seahawks game._

 _"Bella, can you move a little?" Jasper asked me. "You're like standing right in the way."_

 _"Oh, sure. Sorry," I mumbled._

 _I headed for the kitchen, but then I almost slammed into someone as they were rushing into the living room…_

 _"Edward!" I nearly shouted. "I wasn't expecting you until later."_

 _"Oh, yeah. I hope you don't mind. Your dad invited me over to watch the big game, and since my dad hates baseball, I figured it would be better to watch it here," he said casually._

 _He leaned in, and unexpectedly kissed me on the cheek, before walking passed me to sit on the couch next to Jasper._

 _"Um… I thought you needed to talk to me about something?" I asked him confused._

 _"Oh, that's right. I should do that now." He stood and walked back over to me, before standing awkwardly close. "Bella, I love you. I think we should go back to Florida," he said strangely._

 _"What's in Florida?" I asked perplexed._

 _"Vegas," he said, as if I was dumb for asking. "We should get married."_

 _"Vegas is in Nevada," I told him absently, but before I could fully comprehend what was happening, his beautiful chiseled face started sinking in, and then blood began violently squirting from his wrists._

 _I gasped, and looked to Charlie and Jasper for help, but they just kept fixated on the TV. Not even when I was screaming did they divert their attention. I looked back at Edward, but his deathly pale face just kept smiling at me like there was nothing wrong._

 _"No! STOP!" I shrilled, but the blood kept squirting, and Edward kept smiling until he crumpled to the floor in a empty shell of what he once was._

 _"Its my fault. It's all my fault," I kept crying, until my dad started yelling at me to be quiet._

Suddenly everything around me disappeared, and I was swallowed by darkness. I couldn't see anything, but I could still hear my dad trying to hush me, except this time it was in a much more gentle tone.

"Shhh… Its okay, sweetheart," he cooed.

"Dad?" I cried.

"I'm right here," he murmured.

"Is this… real?" I asked, unsure if I was still stuck in the nightmare.

"Its real, but you were definitely having a bad dream before," he told me. "You were screaming, and now you're trembling. What's going on, honey? I thought you were getting better?"

"I thought I was too," I admitted. "I saw Edward at the store, and I didn't panic. It was so good to see him, but now…" I let my words trail off.

Charlie sighed. "You're still scared he's going to crash again," he said simply, and it was like someone turned on a lightbulb. That was exactly what I was scared of. I honestly believed that I had set the entire ordeal into motion by first telling him he was adopted, and then, when he was already so emotionally weak and fragile, I dropped the pregnancy bomb on him.

What if I said or did something that caused him to fall again? How could I ever live with myself if I was the reason that he ultimately succeeded at taking his own life? There would be no coming back from that. They would just have to bury me along with him, and where would that leave our child? The thought sent me on yet another shallow breath panic.

"Come on, Bells. Just try to take deep breaths. Everything is okay," Charlie tried calming me.

"Its not okay," I said with tears streaming down my face. "It was my fault. Edward tried to kill himself because of me."

"Bella, that's not true," he tried convincing me.

"Yes, it is! If I never told him he was adopted, none of this would have ever happened," I cried.

"He would have found out eventually," Charlie said softly. "The truth will always come out one way or another. He would have remembered something, or found his adoption papers. Something. Be proud that you were such a good friend to him when he needed you the most. You stood by him, and made him know he wasn't alone. And you were the one who found him. He would have died without you. Always remember that! None of this was your fault."

I nodded, and I understood what he was saying, but understanding it and truly believing it were two entirely different things.

Because going back to sleep was impossible, dad and I went downstairs and decided to play a game of _Scrabble_. My competitive side forced me to keep my mind busy as I hunted down words and refused to let the old man win. Lucky for me, my dad was a horrible speller.

"And I won again!" I said excitedly.

"That's it! I'm never playing this game again! Why do we even own such a horrendous game?"

I laughed. "A little bit of a poor sport, are we?"

"Maybe just a little," he admitted. "In all seriousness, I've had a really good time with you this morning. I feel like, everything is about to change, so I'm glad we got this chance to spend some time together."

"Me too," I agreed.

We cleaned up the game, and since the sun had finally risen, I figured it was a suitable hour to make breakfast. Dad and I ate together, and I teased him about Ms. Clearwater, who was definitely more than a little sweet on him. But he was a firm believer that there was only one person meant for him, and she was waiting for him on the other side. I hated the idea of him spending the rest of his life alone, but I also understood it. I too would have rather been alone than ever force something with someone other than Edward. It just wouldn't have been fair to them.

"Any plans for today?" my dad asked as I was heading back up the stairs.

"Right now my only plan is for a shower," I told him.

He waved me off, and then I spent the next twenty minutes or so, just letting the hot water wash away as much tension and pressure as possible.

I needed that time. I had to figure out what my next step would be. Seeing Edward in person was incredible, and I wanted nothing more than to see him again, but my sequential nightmare had been the worst one in a while, so perhaps I just wasn't ready.

However, after I got dressed and made it back down to the kitchen, I was caught completely off guard when I saw a certain Volvo in the driveway. I took a closer look out the window, and my heart jumped at the sight of Edward and my dad embracing.

I felt a panic begin to approach, but with my dad leading Edward into the house with his hand on his shoulder, I just didn't have time to allow myself to freak out. There was absolutely no way I could ever let Edward see something like that. Somehow, by some miracle, I managed to hold myself together as they entered the house.

"Hey," Edward said sheepishly when he saw me. His beautiful face was such a welcomed relief from my nightmare, but unlike when I saw him at the store, I couldn't focus on it. I knew he was there for a very specific reason, and I was so incredibly nervous to learn what it could possibly be. "Sorry. I know I told you I'd text first, but I was driving by and thought I'd take a chance…. I can come back later if it's a bad time," he offered.

I took a deep breath. "No. It's fine. I don't want you to go," I told him awkwardly.

"I'll let you two talk," Charlie told us. "I'm just going to be out front cutting wood."

I nodded at him, and then Edward and I stood uncomfortably quiet in the foyer for a few unbearably long moments.

"Uh… can we…?" he eventually asked, gesturing towards the couch.

"Yes," I replied, feeling stupid for not inviting him in to sit right away. Things had never been that strained between us before; not even when we pretended to hate each other. It was just so awkward.

"Do you want a drink or something?" I offered like a good hostess would. "Coffee?"

"No thanks, I actually can't stay long. I was just on my way down to the rez to meet up with your dad's buddy Harry. He needs some extra help with his handyman job he's doing today."

"Oh, you're not working as an EMT today?" I asked curiously.

"No, it's my day off, but I don't want to just sit around all day, so I figured I'd do something to earn a little more cash before I go."

My heart dropped. "Before you go?"

"Yeah. That's actually what I needed to talk to you about."

"Uh… okay?" I said anxiously.

"Um, yeah, so… I'm going on a trip tomorrow. I'll probably be gone for… I'm guessing a little less than a week," he said while wiping his nervous hands on his legs. The fact that he was so nervous about whatever he was trying to say only made my nerves spike.

"Where are you going?" I asked when he took too long to explain.

He took another deep breath. "Well, as it turns out, I have a couple of sisters."

"Sisters?" I asked surprised and confused.

"Yeah, well half, I guess. Uh, they both live in Chicago, so I'm going to drive up there and meet them."

I nodded once, but since I wasn't exactly in the best headspace, I was stupidly baffled.

"How do you have sisters?" I asked without taking the time to think it through myself.

"Uh… well, I guess they lived above Alice and me while we were in that… um… basement thing."

"Oh," I said as understanding hit me like a freight train. "So, you…"

"My therapist actually suggested that I go and meet them before the baby is born… you know, to help with… all my crap."

Once again, I was lost. Thankfully, he could see it on my face, so he explained without having to be asked.

"The whole, _I hate my evil DNA_ , thing. I mean, the reason I freaked about the baby was because I didn't want to pass on that monster's bloodline. I don't know, my therapist thinks if I meet others who share that DNA, maybe I won't freak out about it so much anymore."

"Oh, well… do you think that will work?" I asked with a tornado of mixed emotions. He was doing whatever he could to fix his issues, and he was doing it for our child's sake, but what would a meeting like that really do to him?

"To be honest, I don't know if it will help or not, but I'd definitely rather freak out on two adult women than our baby, so I'm willing to try."

I nodded. "Well, that's good then," I told him quietly. I was so proud of him for facing his issues head on like that, but I absolutely hated the idea of being that far away from him again. It was definitely a tough spot to be in.

"Is your entire family going with you?" I then asked, sincerely hoping he wasn't planning on going alone.

"Uh, no… it's not really a situation I want Alice in. I don't know, the whole idea of her being around them is just unsettling to me. I mean, one of them is older than she is. It's just…" He shook his head. "I mean, I know it's not their fault, and I'm not scared of them being evil or anything, but I just need to meet them myself before I let Alice anywhere near them."

"Your parents aren't going either?"

He shook his head. "I asked that they don't. This is not about them, and I know my overly friendly parents will just take over the entire thing. It's something I just feel like I need to do myself."

"I don't think Alice is going to handle you leaving very well," I told him honestly.

"Yeah, she wasn't happy about it when I told her, but… then I said I was going to ask you to come with me, and she relaxed a bit."

"What?" I asked, taken aback. "You want me to come with you? But you just said you wanted to go alone?"

"No, I said it was something I needed to do myself… I pretty much consider you my other half, so it's still true…"

"Um…" I had no idea how to respond to that. It was so completely unexpected.

"Look, I know I have no right to ask this of you after everything I put you through, but I'm asking anyway. Maybe I'm just a selfish prick, but I need you with me. I was in such a shitty place last time I was gone, but I'm trying to fix it all, and now I can't even imagine being that far away from you anymore."

"But… I have therapy," I said absently as I tried to come to terms with exactly what he was asking me to do.

"I know, and I know that's my fault. I messed you up, and I'll never forgive myself for that, but… I still think the best way for us to heal, is to do it together. I'm nothing without you. I've always been nothing without you. You are everything good about me, and you're the only reason I even want to get better… I promise, I won't pressure you into anything you're not ready for. I don't need anything more than just having you by my side."

He was saying all the right things, and I almost wondered if I was still dreaming, because I never thought we would be back to a place where either of us would even consider such a thing, but I still had reservations. "I…The baby…" I stuttered, having a hard time articulating my hold up.

"You're barely in the third trimester," he said quickly, already knowing it would be a source of concern for me. "My dad said that as long as you get out of the car every couple of hours and walk around, you should be fine. And if anything were to go wrong there's hospitals every ten miles or so. We're not running off this time. I'll have credit cards, and cell phones, and we will stay in decent hotels every night."

It actually sounded like heaven. We had finally admitted our true feelings for each other during our last road trip… and then we conceived our baby. I knew leaving with him again could, and would, only bring us back together once more, but I was scared….

Actually, I was terrified.

What if I couldn't handle it?

What if _he_ couldn't handle it, and meeting his sisters only threw him off the deep end again? What would happen if there was no one else around to help me if he tried to hurt himself like before?

He must have sensed my hesitation, so he sighed. "Maybe this isn't the way for us to reconnect, but what if it is? I know why you would be scared, and I'm scared too, but I know we can get through it if we just stay together. My biggest mistake was leaving you… Even when I was arrested and forced back here, I wasn't really back. That wasn't me. I let go of your hand, just for a second, and I fell faster than I ever thought possible. I was so freaking lost, and I don't want to make that mistake again. If you come with me, I know everything will work itself out," he said with such optimism, that it was hard not to believe it too.

"Just think about it," he added. "If you decide to come, have your dad bring you to my parent's house tomorrow morning by eight... If you're not there, I'll understand."

He didn't wait for any further response, he just shot me his most adorable half smile, and then he left me alone to consider what he was asking.

It should have been an easy choice, but nothing about our relationship had ever been easy.

I spent most of that day considering all the potential outcomes of my decision. I was absolutely scared to death, but when I thought about the possibility of him going without me, suddenly I realized _that_ was the greater fear. I couldn't let him go alone, and whether or not we were ready for such a drastic step didn't really matter.

Seeing his sisters was vital for his healing process, and I fully understood why that crucial meeting needed to happen before our baby was born. So, for the sake of my family, I needed to find whatever strength I was capable of, and fight through my trepidation so I could go with him. He needed me, and unlike the previous times I had let him down, I refused to fail him again.

Sink or swim, Edward and I were going on a road trip…


	31. Discomfort

**Chapter 31 – Discomfort**

My nightmares were probably the worst they had ever been, but when I woke up the next morning, I realized something far worse than a few bad dreams….

I overslept.

If I hadn't been tossing and turning and screaming through half the night, it never would have happened. I even set my alarm for six thirty, but somehow the incessant beeping had been sucked into my dream, and I didn't even think it was real.

But what was real, was the fact that now I had my eyes opened, and it was seven fifty eight.

The only thing that could be scarier than my worst of worst nightmares right then, was the thought of Edward thinking I stood him up. I was supposed to be at his house by eight. I wasn't going to make it.

I couldn't get my cell phone turned on fast enough, and I flubbed up the text five times before I could manage to type something legible…

 _ **B~** I'm sorry I overslept. I'm coming. Please don't leave without me_

"Come on, come on. See it," I murmured to myself as I waited for some kind of hope Edward would check his phone before he left.

Five whole long minutes passed before I saw the little bouncing dots indicating he was typing.

 _ **E~** I'm waiting for you out front_

I took a sigh of relief. "Thank god," I whispered to myself. But then a thought occurred to me – When he said he was _"waiting out front_ ", did he mean at his house, or…

I peeked out my window, and sure enough, Edward's Volvo was sitting in the driveway.

I couldn't help but smile at his boldness.

 _ **B~** I thought I was supposed to meet you at your place? What if I was heading there and we passed each other?_

 _ **E~** I've been here since 7:15_

 _ **B~** What? Why? You said 8_

 _ **E~** Yeah, but I didn't want you to have to suffer through some big long drawn out scene. Alice has been crying all morning_

 _ **B~** Maybe you should just let her come. She doesn't have to meet your sisters. I can wait with her at the hotel_

 _ **E~** No, she's okay. I promised her you were coming, and you'd make sure I came back_

 _ **B~** But I never gave you an answer on if I was actually coming. You said you'd understand if I didn't show_

 _ **E~** I knew you would come_

I smiled.

 _ **B~** How, when I didn't even know for sure?_

 _ **E~** We both know you can't resist a good road trip_ **;-p**

I giggled.

 _ **B~** Very true. Let me just grab my things and I'll be right out_

 _ **E~** No rush. Take as much time as you need. If you want a shower, go ahead. I'm not in a hurry_

 _ **B~** You sure?_

 _ **E~** Of course. Is your dad awake? I'll just come in and endure a bunch of awkward silences_

I laughed again.

 _ **B~** I'm not sure if he's awake or not. I haven't been down stairs yet. But I'd assume he was. He rarely sleeps late. I'll take a quick shower so you won't have to suffer in that awkwardness for too long_

 _ **E~** Really, it's fine. I know he has some questions for me, and I wouldn't be satisfied unless he issued out a few threats. I'm taking notes_

 _ **B~** Taking notes?_

 _ **E~** For when our daughter has some little shit face trying to take her somewhere. Your dad is pretty much my idol_

I smiled so widely my cheeks felt like they were going to rip.

 _ **B~** Daughter, huh? What if it's a boy? Are you going to be that protective of our son?_

 _ **E~** I don't think scaring the shit out of a little girl trying to date our son would be an appropriate thing for me to do. I'll leave that one up to you. But if the baby isn't a girl, I'm sure we will have one eventually, and my dad's not the best role model for parenting a daughter. Alice never dated. You should see him with Jasper. He is completely lost. He doesn't even know they're a thing. I'm perfectly happy having your dad's not so subtle threats. I can't wait to be just like him _**:-D**

I smiled yet again.

 _ **B~** He is pretty great… when he's home_

 _ **E~** You don't have to worry about that with me. I'm going to be around so much our kids will get sick of me._

 _ **B~** Promise?_

 _ **E~** I swear_

I just couldn't stop smiling.

 **B~** Good. I'm taking a shower now

 **E~** Thank God! I can smell you from here

I giggled to myself once more, and then set my phone down so I could finish getting ready to go.

Even though Edward assured me I could take my time, I still couldn't get out of the shower fast enough. I was still nervous about the trip, but I was suddenly extremely eager and excited as well. I wanted nothing more than to get out of our current rut, and finally move on with our lives.

"Here, let me get that," Edward said while he rushed to grab my bag from me as I was coming down the stairs.

Sure enough, it looked like he and my dad had been engaged in a serious conversation full of warnings and threats, so I was glad I could rescue him from that.

"You sure you have everything you'll need?" my dad asked concerned as we followed Edward out to his car.

"I think so," I said, slightly anxious.

"I have three credit cards just in case there's anything she forgot," Edward assured him while placing my bag in the back seat.

"Three credit cards?" my dad asked surprised.

"Well, two are my dad's," Edward explained. "Which of course he gave me permission to use."

"Good," Charlie replied. "And you're only staying in safe hotels, right? Nothing shady just to save a buck?"

"You have met my parents before, right?" Edward joked, but the serious expression on my dad's face made him reconsider his tone. "Of course I won't let Bella stay anywhere unsafe. My mom basically mapped out our entire route, and told me where we should stop each night."

"Alright." Charlie turned to me. "You have your phone and charger, right? And the car charger I gave you? And your credit card? ID?"

"Dad, yes. I have everything I need."

"And no tossing phones out the car window this time, right?" he asked worriedly.

"Everything is going to be fine," I tried convincing him, but I was actually trying to convince both of us. I never felt such a mix of emotions before. Excitement, fear, worry, hope, it was overwhelming, but I refused to let it control me. Edward needed me, and that was the most important thing.

I hugged my dad goodbye, and then we were off towards the unknown once again.

"I'll pull over so you can walk around every couple of hours or so, but just let me know if you need to stop sooner," Edward told me as we got on the freeway.

I nodded, and we spent the next hour in silence.

I wasn't sure why neither of us spoke, but we did keep glancing at each other, and every time our eyes would meet, we would both smile. After a while, Edward must have gotten tired of the silence.

"Its funny that we seem to have so much to talk about when we're texting, but now that we're sitting next to each other, it's like…nothing," he said with a half grin.

"I'm not sure why it's so awkward," I told him honestly.

"I don't know why either, but I hope it changes soon," he said, and I couldn't agree more.

I loved him more than any other human being on the planet, and I just wanted to move passed everything that had happened. We were finally actually with each other, breathing the same air, after I truly had believed we never would again. It was surreal, and incredible, and I didn't want to waste a moment of it.

"You're wearing your Cullen Crest again," I pointed out as I noticed the cuff on his wrist that was attached to his hand on the steering wheel.

"Eh," he shrugged indifferently. "Covers the scar."

His words were like an immediate dagger to my heart. He said it so casually, but he was talking about the single most traumatic event of my life, and I had to fight that image with every last bit of strength I was capable of.

Thankfully, Edward must have sensed my struggles, so he grabbed my hand, and suddenly I could breathe again. I needed to know he was okay - that he wasn't lying in a pool of blood somewhere - because even though he had been sitting safely next to me, my mind still put him in there. Just that simple connection of our hands was all I needed to bring me back into the current moment. He was okay, and we were okay together, but I still wanted to get my mind on anything else…

"So… in your text this morning, you mentioned something about Alice and Jasper. How are you feeling about that?" I asked him.

He shrugged. "I don't see how their relationship is any of my business," he said without a trace of concern.

"But… she's your mother," I told him carefully. I didn't know if he was still super sensitive on that fact or not, but thankfully my comment didn't seem to bother him.

"If Charlie was dating someone, would you feel it was any of your business?"

"It's a slightly different situation," I pointed out. "You grew up thinking she was your sister. I'm sure even Emmett has concerns about Alice dating, especially given her history."

Edward shook his head subtly. "Maybe I'd be concerned if Jasper was an asshole like the guy you were dating, but I know he's a cool dude, so I'm not worried."

"Mike actually wasn't really an asshole," I said, feeling guilty I had ever leaned on him. As much as I hated what happened, it really wasn't his fault, and he had been a good friend when I needed one.

"I was actually talking about that other asshole you were with," Edward said, taking me aback.

"I wasn't with anyone else," I said confused.

"I meant me," he clarified.

"Oh."

"But…. I still say Mike is an asshole too. You really have a poor taste in guys."

"Mike was only an occasional asshole. But, then again, everyone is an asshole sometimes. I know I've been one…. For the most part though, Mike was actually a pretty good friend. He even offered to…" I let my words trail off as I realized that was probably the last thing I actually wanted to tell Edward.

Of course, Edward refused to let it go. "He even offered what?"

"Nothing. Just, never mind."

"Its obviously not nothing if you thought it was important enough to bring up right now," he pressed.

"It doesn't matter anymore. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Fine, don't tell me. I'm sure I can guess anyway," he said, with an edge of bitterness to his tone.

"How could you guess when you have no idea what I was about to say?" I asked, slightly annoyed.

"Its not hard to figure out exactly what he offered you," Edward grumbled as his hand left mine, and returned to it's previous position on the steering wheel, where his protruding white knuckles showed just how tense he was about the topic.

"So, now you're a mind reader?" I asked, but then I couldn't help but wonder why the hell I was even continuing with the conversation. Arguing with him was the very last thing I wanted to do, but for whatever reason, neither of us could just let it go.

"You don't have to be a mind reader to understand what goes on in other guy's heads. I'm assuming he offered to help you raise the baby, right?"

"Wha… How do you know that?" I asked quietly.

"Because he's in love with you, and you're pregnant with some other guy's baby - a guy who walked away from you - so of course he offered. I would have too if the situation was reversed."

"You would have?" I asked in disbelief. "But you hate Mike, so why would you ever offer to raise his baby?"

"For of the same reason he offered, because the baby is yours. It's not about whatever guy's sperm helped make it, it's about the fact that the baby is in you, and it comes from you, so how could he or I ever not love it. Took me a while to realize that, but I'm glad I did, because it's true. I can love that baby despite it's horrible paternal bloodline, because everything good about you cancels out all that nastiness."

"So… you mean you will only ever love this baby because it's mine? You're not going to ever look at it, and see your baby, and love it because it's yours?" I asked, unsure how I actually felt about that.

"I'm glad the baby is mine," he said, unexpectedly quiet. "But only because Mike doesn't have the ability to kick me out of its life, but… genetically, I wish it was his so it wouldn't have to be plagued with my disgusting DNA."

"So, you're saying the baby's father doesn't matter to you at all? Whether it was Mike's, or yours, or some random one night stand's… its all the same to you. You love this baby no matter what because its mine?" I asked, just trying to clarify exactly what he was saying.

Edward nodded. "You're amazing, so there's no way your kid won't be amazing as well."

"So… why isn't the same true for you then?" I asked carefully.

"What do you mean?"

"I just mean, Alice is pretty amazing, so why does it matter who the father of her baby was? Her son should be loved just because he's hers as well."

I watched Edward's face as understanding of my question hit him, but it only seemed to agitate him.

"That's not the same thing," he said evenly.

"Why not?"

"It just isn't. Alice was raped, so…"

"So if I got pregnant after being raped, and then chose to keep the baby, you'd hate the baby?" I asked, probably pushing him way too far, but I couldn't back down, not right then.

"Its not the same thing," he repeated.

"Why not?"

"Because I'd never hate anything that came from you… No matter what."

"Why?" I pressed.

"Because I love you," he said full of frustration.

"And you don't love Alice?" I continued.

Edward huffed, and then visibly clinched his jaw, and refused to comment further.

After several more minutes of heavy silence, Edward huffed again, but he redirected the conversation away from Alice.

"Look, if you want to go back to Mike, I get it. I left you, and he was there for you. It's no one's fault but mine. But…"

"I never said I was back with him," I cut him off. "Or that I ever wanted to get back with him. I said he was a friend when I needed one."

"But you also admitted he offered to help you raise the baby, so that doesn't sound very platonic," he argued.

"He said that, but as I told him, I don't want anything other than friendship from him."

Edward scoffed. "So how does your _friend_ feel about this trip you're taking with me? The last road trip we went on together didn't end well for him."

"I haven't talked to Mike since my accident."

"Why not?"

"Because I know he will never stop hoping for more, and that's not fair to him."

"Maybe you should reconsider," Edward said unexpectedly, making my heart drop. "You were so much better off before I came between you. Your life has been nothing but a shit storm ever since."

"It has been much harder than I ever expected," I agreed quietly. "But… when we were together, even if it was really just a few days, I was happier than I ever was before. I'd rather have just one of those days again, than a million days with anyone else," I said sincerely.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore," he whispered.

"Then don't… And for the record, I love this baby because it's _yours_. There's no way I'd love it like this if it was someone else's."

He didn't respond, and I didn't say anymore on the topic either. We both already knew we loved each other, that was never even in question, but there was still some unknown invisible wall between us.

We continued to drive for a few more hours, and most of the time we stayed quiet, or forced shallow small talk. I hated our strained discomfort so incredibly much, but I didn't know how to fix it.

When it finally came time to stop for the night, I grew nervous. What would happen in that hotel room? Would we just break through our barriers and reconnect physically? We're we even ready for that? I couldn't help but think back to the last time we made love in his bedroom, and all the blood and chaos that followed, and suddenly I found myself absolutely petrified….


	32. New Normal

**Chapter 32 – New Normal**

When we got into the hotel room, the first thing I noticed was how big and fancy of a room it was, and the second thing I noticed was that there were two bedrooms…

"This is…" I was going to say that the room was nice, but I became completely fixated on the king sized bed in one of the rooms as I walked in to check it out. I began pushing on the memory foam mattress, and felt extremely awkward.

Why were there two rooms? Did he not want to sleep with me? That thought was almost even more worrisome than the idea of sleeping with him too soon. Maybe he just wasn't attracted to me anymore. A lot of guys were grossed out by pregnant women's bodies.

"Yeah, this is a bit extravagant," Edward said as he found me in the room. "My mom doesn't know how to book normal hotels," Edward replied. "The other bedroom is even bigger than this one."

"Oh, your mom booked the room?" I asked, slightly relieved, and perhaps a bit more nervous. Maybe Edward expected us to sleep together after all, which suddenly made me terrified. He had tried to kill himself after the last time we were together, what if being together again caused him to relive those emotions, and he became suicidal once more?

It was one of those instances that seemed horrible either way. If he wanted me, I was worried, if he didn't want me, I was devastated. It was a lose-lose situation.

"I wasn't planning to book ahead of time, because I wasn't sure how far we'd get, but you know my mom," Edward explained with a shrug.

"She likes everything planned out," I agreed absently.

"But if we don't make it to one of her pre-booked hotels for whatever reason, it's not a big deal," he told me. "In fact, I kind of think we should take our time on the drive tomorrow, so that we won't make whatever ridiculous room she has planned for us next."

I smiled at him. "That's not a bad idea."

"Okay. Hey, why don't you take the other bedroom over there. It's a little bigger than this one, and there's an attached bathroom."

"I don't need so much space," I mumbled awkwardly after realizing he did, in fact, plan on us sleeping apart.

"Well, I certainly don't either. I went from living on the streets, to being forced into a tiny room with straps on the bed, to a cramped cabin I had to share with an overly hyper pixie like woman-child who doesn't believe in personal space. So this is a bit overwhelming for me. I'd feel more comfortable sleeping in the car."

"We can do that," I said, perhaps a little too eagerly.

"Well, not really. I said it would be more comfortable, not that we should actually do it. I promised your dad I wouldn't let you sleep in the car overnight. Besides, don't you have to pee like five times a night?"

"Oh… right," I saw his point.

"Come on, I already put your bag in the other room."

"Great. Thanks," I said, trying my best to feign excitement.

"Are you going to stay awake and watch TV for a bit?" I asked hopefully, as we passed through the living room area on our way to the other bedroom.

"Nah. I think I'm going to just turn in. I'm pretty beat. Here you go," he said as he showed me the room. "Bathroom is right through that door there."

"Oh… cool," I said, pretty much sounding like an idiot in my own head.

"Okay, well…. Goodnight," he said casually, and then he patted the door frame, and then left me alone.

I sat on the bed for probably a good half hour, just staring at the wall, and wishing he'd come back into my room, but then I sighed and went into the bathroom so I could get cleaned up and ready for bed.

I found it extremely hard to sleep that night. I slept alone every night at home, but having him that close, and that far away at the same time, left me feeling dreadfully lonely. But even more than that, I worried I'd have another of my nightmares, and I'd absolutely hate to freak him out by one of those the way I freaked out my dad, so I fought off sleep.

Eventually, I just couldn't sit in that room any longer, so I decided to go to the living room area, and watch some TV. When I got out there, however, I was both relieved and anxious to see the couch already occupied.

"I thought you were tired?" I asked Edward as I hesitantly approached him to sit on the couch next to him.

"I was, but then I couldn't sleep," he said with a half smile.

"Didn't you say you were seeing someone about that insomnia?" I teased him.

"Yeah, well I guess he's not helping… Or maybe I just don't feel like waking up in the closet right now," he admitted sheepishly.

I bit my bottom lip as I considered my response. "Well, there couldn't be a better time for you to sleep-walk into there. I was always the best one at finding you."

I wasn't sure how he would take that comment, but when he smirked at me, I relaxed a bit.

"Yeah, I guess you have always been pretty good at dragging me out of my shell… in more ways than one."

As if it was scripted in one of those cheesy made for TV movies, the baby picked that moment to start doing somersaults in my abdomen.

"Here, feel this," I said to Edward, and I grabbed his hand, and placed it on my belly.

"Whoa, is that the baby?" he asked excitedly.

I nodded. "It does this all night."

"Gah! That's so weird. Bella, you have a human being inside you!" he said in amazement. "Its like… really in there."

"I know. It's kind of freaky, huh?"

"Its incredible," he said without a trace of humor.

He kept moving his hand around my stomach, trying to feel every little movement, but because I couldn't seem to let a good moment be good, I just had to open my big fat mouth and ruin it…

"So… um… I was thinking, this trip is a good opportunity for us to discuss an arrangement for the baby… after its born," I said nervously, looking for some kind of clue as to what his ideas for the future were.

"Arrangement?" he asked confused.

"Well, you didn't want to be it's father until recently, so I wasn't planning on dividing it's time, but since you want to now… I guess we have to figure out a schedule so we can both take care of it," I said in a rush of discomfort.

Edward looked at me like he still didn't understand my question. "A schedule? I figured we'd just kind of… wing it. Like, the books I read said the baby will put itself on a schedule."

"You read baby books?" I asked, unsure of anything else that he was talking about besides that tidbit.

"Yeah well, there's actually so many more hours of the day than I ever really realized before. I mean, at that camp I was able to get my schooling done, and whatever stupid group activities they had planned for me, and then there were still like three hours left of daylight every day, so I read baby books. I just wanted to be prepared."

My heart literally skipped a beat.

"Well, I'm glad one of us knows what to expect," I murmured.

"You didn't read the books?" he asked with a laugh.

"I tried. Your mom bought me a bunch of them, but after I read the first couple of chapters on the first one, I was pretty terrified, so I stopped."

Edward chuckled. "Well, I read all of the ones she sent me. Don't worry about it. I'll tell you what to do when it comes time."

I smiled widely, but then I became serious again. "Everyone says nursing is best. Seems so weird to me. And if I'm feeding the baby like that, how will you take care of it without me?"

"Why would I take care of it without you?" he asked, still confused by the topic I was trying to work out with him.

"Well, we have to share the baby, right?"

"Oh, you mean when I take the baby overnight so you can sleep?" he asked unsure.

"Um… we don't live together," I said, deciding perhaps I just needed to stop beating around the bush. "So, we need to figure out a schedule of when the baby would be staying with you, and when it will stay with me. I'm just worried about the nursing thing when its with you."

"Oh," he said quietly while removing his hands from my stomach. "I guess I never really thought about that."

We both just sat next to each other for a while, and didn't speak. Those heavy silences seemed to be becoming our new normal, and I hated it. I hated that I ruined the beautiful moment he was having with my stomach, but even more than that, I hated that I even had to ask the question in the first place. I couldn't let the strain and confusion continue. We needed to get everything worked out for our baby's sake.

"Well, what were you thinking would happen after the baby is born?"

He sighed. "My parents said we could stay in that apartment above the shed. That way we're still close to everyone, and Alice won't freak too much, but we would still have our own space. I was going to start working on fixing it up as soon as we got home from this trip… I'm sorry, I guess that was stupid. I never even considered you staying with your dad. I just assumed…"

"You just told me earlier that you would understand if I went back to Mike, but you assumed we'd live together?" I questioned, having a hard time concealing my grin. He wanted me and the baby to live with him! It was hard not to be excited about that, even if it was a huge terrifying step that we probably weren't ready for.

"I guess I just haven't put much thought into all of it. I mean, I've basically thought about nothing else since you first told me you were pregnant, but… I guess I never considered those specific details. I just thought… I don't know, we're family first, so I assumed… but I want you to be happy. It's all just so fucked up. I really ruined everything, didn't I?"

I took in a deep breath. "It's nothing we can't fix," I whispered, before swallowing my fears, and leaning in to kiss him. He was clearly surprised by my brazen move, but it only took a moment for him to catch up, and he was just as eager for that connection as I was.

His lips on mine were nirvana. It was like someone had pressed the pause button on my life after he had left, and only now was it on play again. It was everything. He was everything. Every pain, every heartbreak, every joy, and also every fear.

Perhaps it was too much, too soon, but I needed to feel his body against mine, even if only for a moment.

I pulled his shirt off first, and I marveled over his smooth skin and body that had been chiseled to perfection. That camp not only had succeeded in altering his emotions, but also his body.

As I ran my hands over the incredible planes and valleys his muscles made in his torso, I couldn't help but be in awe over how far he had come since the last time I saw him in that way.

Suddenly, like the shadowed assailant in a horror film, the vision of his pale, sickly frail body from the last time I was that close to him, chased away the beautiful healthy image before me…

"No, no, no, No!" I screamed out in terror.

"Bella? Hey... What's wrong?" Edward questioned as he pulled back.

I expected to wake from the nightmare, but I realized I wasn't even sleeping to begin with.

"You're trembling," Edward murmured full of concern.

I was so startled and confused by the entire thing. He was really there. I was really in his arms, and we had really been kissing, so why were those disturbing images now invading my consciousness?

As I blinked away the horrible memory, I was able to refocus on his perfection before me, but it was too late. The damage had been done. I wasn't successful at hiding my dark thoughts from him for a moment longer.

"What's going on?" he asked intensely, as if he thought I was in some kind of grave danger that he was prepared to protect me from. He even looked around to room, probably wondering if I had been spooked by something.

I took a deep breath, and when I finally let it back out, I found myself emitting an emotion I certainly wasn't expecting – anger.

"Why?" I said with hot tears pooring down my cheeks.

"What?" he asked concerned and perplexed.

"Why did you do that?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't… I thought you wanted…"

"Why did you try to kill yourself!" I cried out, cutting him off, and rendering him speechless as he stared at me in shock. I honestly didn't want to burden him with all that, and I didn't know what it would do to his state of mind, but I just couldn't hold it in for a moment longer. It completely busted out of the seams and I was powerless to stop it.

"How could you do that to your family? To Alice?" I continued as I teetered between sobs and bouts of anger. "How could you do that to me? You can't even fathom what that's like. To see the person you love most, lying lifeless in a pool of their own blood. You were dead. Dead! I had to watch your dad desperately trying to restart your heart while he begged you to come back. Your mom was crying as she held Alice back… I never heard screams before like Alice's that night. I can still hear it, ringing in the back of my ears."

"Bella, I…" he started to say, but I wasn't finished yet, and I couldn't stop even if I tried.

"And the blood…. There was so much blood. I still see it on my hands, and my arms, and all over me. When I close my eyes, that image of you, lying there, so still, and white, and empty… it's always there in the darkness if my mind. I'm afraid to sleep, because it invades my dreams every night. It will never go away. Its going to haunt me for the rest of my life. And I've been so afraid to see you, because I'm terrified it will happen again. I'm so scared I'll say the wrong thing, or do something to send you back over the edge, and I know I won't be able to survive that again."

"Hey, shhh. Its okay," he cooed as he wrapped his arms around me. He kept whispering how sorry he was as he held me tightly, and rocked me back and forth in an attempt to comfort me in any way he could.

And I was comforted. He was there, and he had heard me. I only prayed it didn't send him over the edge like the last time I had confronted him. The thought sent me into a whole new frenzied round of sobs.

He held onto me for hours, and just let me cry. He let me get all of it out of my system, and when I didn't have anymore tears left inside me, I was finally calm enough to hear his words as he spoke his truth…

"I can't imagine what that was like for you," he murmured. "And it's something I will always live with as well. The guilt of knowing I hurt you like that is… so incredibly hard…"

Suddenly he paused, and then he gently guided me back, so I could really look at him, and he took in a deep breath.

"You know, I was in that psychiatric hospital for a month and a half, and I met… a lot of people. Suicidal people who… tried to take their own life in so many ways… I talked to a lot of them, and asked… why they did that. Most of them came from good families, they just…" he shook his head. "They couldn't see beyond their own depression and darkness. They couldn't see everyone who loved them, everyone they were hurting. None of them could give a real reason why. It was just… all consuming pain."

He reached up to caress the side of my face. "But Bella, that's not what happened with me. I was in a dark place, but… I could always see you. Even when I said those horrible things, even when I swore I'd never come back… I still couldn't imagine being somewhere that I could never get to you if I had to."

"I don't understand what you mean," I mumbled honestly.

"I never tried to kill myself," he said, completely shocking me to the core.

"So, you accidentally broke apart that razor, and accidentally cut yourself?" I asked in disbelief.

"No," he said softly, but firmly at the same time. "No, it wasn't an accident that I cut myself." He took another deep breath. "When I was living on the streets, I fell one day, and cut my hand. See the scar?" he asked while showing me a thin white line on his palm.

I nodded.

"It was completely by accident, but as I stood there, and watched the blood coming out, all I could think about was that… that blood… was his blood. That monster that raped Alice. His blood was in me…and when I saw it, I just… slipped into this trance. Like, I just wanted to get it out of me. I couldn't think straight, I just wanted his blood out, so I started squeezing it. I wanted to get as much of it out as possible, and I probably would have ended up bleeding to death right then if a group of people didn't pass by and asked me what the hell I was doing."

"So… you..?"

"I snapped out of it then. It happened twice after that, and each time I was able to bring myself out of it one way or another," he explained.

"So, that night I found you?" I questioned, still in shock.

"I had just told you that I wanted nothing to do with our baby. The baby I knowingly conceived and wanted more than anything. I was in a real shitty place, Bella, and I was so angry… angry that I was hurting you, and angry that I wasn't strong enough to just suck it up and deal with my shit so I could live the life I so desperately wanted…. I just… fell in that daze again. I wanted him out of me. I wanted to be free of his demons, so… I cut myself. It was actually the first time I did it intentionally. The other times I freaked over my blood were from random accidents. But that night I was just so… fucking angry. Not at you, or my family, it was me and my stupid shit."

"So, you cut yourself, and … the bleeding didn't stop?" I began to comprehend.

He nodded. "I never meant for it to go that far. The blood was just supposed to go down the sink, and I was going to wash it away so no one would ever know… I would have never, ever, done something like that if I knew you would had to see it. I would never do that to you. I know that might not make it better, but you have to know, I never wanted you to see that. If I was really going to kill myself, I certainly wouldn't have done it with you sleeping in the next room."

I swallowed roughly. "Did you know? Did you know you were bleeding too much?"

He nodded again. "I didn't realize how deep it was at first, but… the blood was coming out so much faster than the times before, and it started getting places other than the sink… and then I got dizzy and fell."

"Why didn't you call out to me?" I asked, somehow finding a way to make even more tears. "I could have helped you stop the bleeding."

He shook his head. "I didn't want to scare you. I thought it would stop. I thought I could handle it, but like so many other things, I was wrong. I was so incredibly wrong, and now I messed you up irrevocably. Bella, I'll never be able to tell you just how sorry I am. When I woke up in that hospital, and I realized what happened, I was… embarrassed, and horrified, and I was so freaking worried about you."

"You were?"

"It was definitely… a wake up call for me. My dad told me you found me like that, and… I had hit rock bottom, and I knew I had to fix it somehow. I had to find a way to make myself better for you and for our baby. I wanted explain to you what happened, but… you never came to see me, and then I had to go to that facility. I just kept thinking that if I could get better, somehow I would find a way to… earn your forgiveness…. someday."

"And… are you better now?" I asked carefully.

"Not completely, but I'm working on it. That's what this whole trip is about. I need to meet my sisters so I can… hopefully get passed all this once and for all. I don't want to hate myself so much that I can't even look at my own child."

"Why didn't you tell me about all of this sooner?" I asked him, just trying to fully understand everything.

"I couldn't tell you over text, and my parents said you were having a hard time, so I thought it would only make it worse for you. I didn't know you were so worried about me… trying to kill myself. But I need you to know, I never even considered that. I never wanted to be… gone completely because I always thought you may need me… someday. I don't know. Its dumb, because I kept telling you I was never coming back, but still, I couldn't even fathom the idea of not being able to reach you if you needed me."

"So… you're not going to try to take your own life… ever?" I asked with even more tears.

"No. No, and I'm done with the blood shit I was doing too. I've basically been in some intensive therapy to try to fix that, and seeing my sisters is like the climax of that. Its my final test. I mean, I might always have thoughts and struggle with it, but I'm not acting on those thoughts anymore. I even cut myself accidently at work the other day, and… I handled it. Just cleaned it out, and stuck on a bandaid, and moved on. I refuse to be a danger to our child. I don't want anyone to worry about me freaking out when it gets a cut on its knee. I'm fixing it, Bella. I promise you, I'm fixing it," he said emotionally.

"I believe you," I whispered. "I believe you," I repeated while wrapping my arms back around him securely, and we just held each other as we both cried.

"I'm so sorry," he began repeating again. "I'm so, so, sorry."

"I know," I assured him, while rubbing the back of his neck as we continued to hold each other. And I did know. I finally understood, and it was both a relief, and an even bigger heartbreak.

He never tried to kill himself. That was such an important revelation to me; knowing he wasn't suicidal made all the difference in the world, but at the same time, hearing he hated his own blood so much that he almost died for it, was absolutely gut-wrenching. I couldn't even imagine that amount of self-loathing, and I just wanted to hold him until all that pain was washed away from him forever - I only wished that was a possibility. Sadly, I knew he would probably carry a level of that pain for the rest of his days.

We spent the rest of that night, and half the next day, just holding each other. We slept in each others arms, and for the first time since that horrible day, I didn't have any nightmares, and with my arms around him securely, Edward didn't sleepwalk into the closet. We stayed right there together, right in the moment.

It was so cathartic and beautiful, and I was infinitely grateful we were able to spend that time alone together. I knew we weren't fully healed, but we were on our way, and for the first time in a long time, I was truly optimistic about our future together….


	33. Impulsive

**Chapter 33 – Impulsive**

"So where's our next stop?" I asked Edward as we got back on the road.

We ended up staying two nights in that extravagant hotel room, and took that time to just reconnect on an emotional level. We talked a lot. Pretty much about everything and nothing at the same time, but mostly we just held each other, and cherished the fact that we were finally reunited.

"I really want to make it to at least Billings," Edward replied. "Our parents are going to freak if we take too much more extra time."

"Well, one of our parents in particular will freak," I said with a smile.

"Your dad?" he asked.

"No. Alice," I said like that should have been obvious.

Edward locked his jaw.

"What?" I asked, concerned by his troubled expression.

"Nothing. I just… I thought she would back off a bit with Jasper being around so much, but she still can't let me go more than an hour without texting me. I swear I'm going to go insane."

"She just got you back. Give it some time. I'm sure she will relax a bit soon enough," I tried encouraging him.

"I sure hope so," he said with a sigh.

We had woken up that morning to about thirty texts from Alice, and all of them conveyed just how much she missed him and wanted him to hurry home. I thought it was sweet, but I also understood why Edward was feeling a bit overwhelmed by her.

We drove for a few hours, and spent that time continuing to solidify our bond. We had so much we wanted to talk about, and we were both so grateful to be given the chance.

Whenever we stopped for breaks, we would cling to each other like magnets, and even spent much of that time making out like the teenagers we were.

"Maybe we should stop a little sooner than Billings," I suggested as I had to pull away from him, just to catch my breath.

Since we finally talked everything out, I felt so incredibly close to him; even closer than we were before, and closer than I ever felt to anyone else in the world. However, despite those two nights together, we had yet to have sex. We weren't purposely waiting for anything, we had just needed to hold each other, but now that need was growing into a much more physical need…

Edward smiled. "I guess we can spare some more time to stop early," he agreed eagerly.

We got back into the car, and headed to the closest decent hotel we could find.

"I don't think my mom would approve of this," he said as we opened the door, and walked into the fairly tiny room that only had one queen size bed and one little bathroom.

I giggled. "Its perfect."

I threw my purse on the little table, and then I jumped at him, which I guess he wasn't expecting, because we ended up falling onto the bed.

"Are you okay?" Edward asked me with a little chuckle. "I have no idea what just happened. I guess I lost my balance."

"That's okay. This is where I wanted to be anyway," I told him, suddenly feeling a bit nervous and oddly shy. I had felt a great many things towards Edward Cullen in my life, but shyness was certainly never one of them. It was a little disorienting.

"We don't have to do this if you're not up to it," he said softly, but his kind chivalrous words only made my nerves spike. What if he wasn't attracted to me in my current bloated state?

"I want to," I told him with as much confidence as I could muster. "But… only if you want to too," I added, a little less confidently.

He stared at me for a moment, and then a goofy expression crossed his features. "Only if I want to?" he asked incredulously. "When have I ever not wanted to?"

I shrugged embarrassedly. "My body isn't like before. You may not like it."

"That's not even possible," he said tenderly. His hand ran up my leg, and caressed that spot between my thighs, before unbuttoning my pants. "You could be nine hundred pounds, and covered in a scaly pus-filled rash from head to toe, and I'd still want you," he said softly.

I giggled at him. "That's really gross."

"But it's true. I've always wanted you. I will always want you. No one but you," he said without a trace of humor. "I've never even fantasized about anyone else, and it kills me knowing there's so much more to you that I've never seen or touched," he said as he rubbed my rounded stomach above my shirt.

"Well, we can't let that go on for a minute longer then, can we?" I told him, still feeling nervous, but excited and eager at the same time.

"Can I?" he asked while grabbing the hem of my shirt.

I nodded with a smile, and then sat up on the bed so he could pull my shirt off over my head.

"Wow," he murmured, and then he began rubbing my stomach tenderly.

"Its huge, right?" I asked uncomfortably.

"I want to see all of you," he whispered.

Suddenly I wasn't bashful anymore. He looked at me with so much awe and love, but there was definitely still a healthy amount of lust there, that just made me feel beautiful and desirable. It didn't matter what shape I was, his words were more than just words, he meant every last one of them. He still wanted me, and I couldn't wait to give myself to him once again.

I unsnapped my bra, and he immediately let out a low moan and mumbled something about how big my boobs had gotten, before his lips crashed back to my skin, and he did his best to make sure there wasn't an inch of me he hadn't kissed.

When he finally pushed himself into me, however, it didn't exactly go as expected.

"Crap!" he hissed.

"What's wrong?" I asked worriedly. My body was still so tense from the buildup, and I was beyond desperate for the type of release only he had ever given me, but his abrupt stillness inside of me was concerning.

"I… uh.. I don't know what happened," he said awkwardly.

"Are you hurt?" I asked, trying to control my panic.

He laughed once. "Maybe my pride."

"What?" I asked confused.

"I'm sorry. I guess I was just a little... overly excited," he said sheepishly.

"Oh…" I said as understanding washed over me, and I couldn't help but giggle.

Thankfully, his little early climax, and my sequential laughing, didn't seem to get him down, and he only chuckled with me.

"Just give me a minute and I'll get it done for you," he said casually.

"Well, you better get it done soon, otherwise I may have to bring my hand into the equation."

He raised his brows at me humorously. "Oh really? I mess up one time and you're down to threats?" he said, trying to keep a straight face, but completely failing.

"Hey, I have needs too," I said playfully.

We began messing around – kissing, and tickling, and even biting each other, and somehow I ended up straddled on top of him. That position change, along with his new view of my extra curves, was all it took for him to be ready for another try, and I took full advantage.

This time, he had me coming apart all around him quickly, and that release had to have been the best, most amazing physical feeling I had ever experienced. It literally took my breath away, and left me gasping for air as the explosive tingles touched every part of me.

"Wow! The books weren't kidding when they said sex is amazing during pregnancy," I managed to choke out as I continued to pant.

Edward laughed. "I thought you didn't read the books?"

"I only read the first part of one of them… that was part of the part," I explained.

"I did rather enjoy that aspect of the books as well. I can't wait to be at your beck and call to fulfill all your horny pregnancy needs."

"Well, that was definitely a good start," I said, feeling like all my bones and muscles had turned into Jello.

"Is it weird that I have this… like… primal urge to want to get you pregnant again? Like, I honestly can't wait for you to have this baby so I can put another one in there. It's like this hella strong innate drive, or something."

I laughed. "That's cute… It's not going to happen, but still cute."

"What do you mean, it's not going to happen?" he said, jokingly offended. "We need to have another baby right away…. And then another one right after that…. And probably another after that. I'm like a lion. I need to breed."

I laughed again. "Oh really. Just the other day you were telling me you wished this baby had different DNA, and now you feel the need to breed?"

"Yeah, but that disgust with my genetics is all in my head. This is a physical, animalistic, deep yearning to keep procreating. I just want to smack you with a club, and drag you back to my cave so I can keep putting my spawn into you."

"Wow. Well, how about we get through college first, and then we can talk about reproducing some more. Until then, I'll get on some birth control and we can just practice a whole lot."

"Yeah, but I already have a job, so no need to wait that long," he argued.

I shook my head. "But I don't have a job, so I need to go to college. And you said you wanted to take more classes to get to the higher level of EMTs," I reminded him. "We need to finish schooling, get where we want to in our careers, and then I'll let you put another baby in me."

I Edward smiled his biggest Edwardy smile. "I guess that could work. But after all that, I want to make baby after baby after baby."

"Uh, we need to see how we handle caring for this one first."

"Eh, we'll be fine. Let's plan the next one for next year. We can have everything situated by then, right?"

"No," I told him, but to wipe that adorable pout off his face, I climbed back on top of him, and let him pretend like we were making babies.

"Okay, maybe just practicing is more than enough for a while," he finally conceded as the feeling intensified.

"Uh-huh," I agreed before reattaching my lips to his.

After we both reached the top of our peaks once again, we did what we did best, and just rested in each others arms, and cherished the peace together.

"You know, this is still just so surreal to me," Edward said after a while.

"What?" I questioned, unsure exactly what he meant.

"This… Us. Being here with you. Being anywhere with you, for that matter. I have been in love you for… as long as I can remember. Even before I knew what it meant, I just… loved you so much, but… I never thought you'd love me back."

"Why?" I asked, absolutely hating that he would ever feel that way.

"I don't know. I just always thought… you were so far above me. You were always way too good for me, and you still are. And we were supposed to be… family, I guess. I don't know, I just always thought you were beyond my reach."

"Now look at us," I laughed while rubbing my stomach.

"I can't help but wonder if we would have ever… crossed that line if…"

"If we didn't set off on that journey to discover where you came from?" I finished for him, already knowing where he was going with it.

He nodded. "Its weird to feel grateful for that. It's weird to… even be happy at all considering the fact that my very existence was dependent on a little girl being brutalized. I don't know, I guess I may always struggle with that. I want to be happy, and I am with you, but I still feel guilty about it."

"Well… I guess in a way, my existence was dependent on Alice's ordeal too," I said, suddenly coming to the realization of that truth.

"How do you figure that?" he asked confused.

I shrugged. "My dad was a workaholic. Didn't have any desire to settle down and have a family. He was even working towards a transfer that would move him across country… But then he decided to take that one last case…"

"Alice's kidnapping case?" he questioned.

I nodded. "He took the case, not thinking it was going to last long. Met your parents, became very close to them over the years. Esme is the one that introduced my dad to my mom. She was a nurse at Carlisle's hospital whom she was friends with. They would have never met and gotten married if Alice hadn't been… taken. My dad would have left town, and I never would have been born."

"Yeah, but… that's not really the same thing. I mean, your parents could have met a different way. I literally would have had no chance of being born if Alice wasn't violated."

"My parents maybe possibly somehow could have met another way, but they didn't," I told him. "So, regardless of the particular circumstances, we both only exist because of that horrible event, and somehow, someway, we were both brought into the Cullen home, and we found each other. We're even the same age, so tell me it's not fate for us to be together?"

He was quiet as he considered what I was saying, and then he smiled. "Yeah, I guess it is fate. You, me, and our fifteen kids are all fate."

I giggled. "There is no way we are having fifteen kids."

"You're right, that's too many. Ten would be perfect."

"No. More like two."

"Seven?"

"No way. Two," I maintained.

"Hey now, where's the compromise? I'm going way down on my number, and you're not going up at all."

"When you find a way to be the one who carries and pushes out the babies, then you can determine the number we have. Until then, I'm sticking with two, and that's only if I survive this first one. I may decide I never want to do it again."

"Or you may decide you want five."

"Don't count on it. I'm sticking with two… Three max."

He smiled widely. "Hey, we're up to three now? I'll take it. Then after the third, I'll figure out a way to convince you to keep going."

I smiled back at him, and just shook my head. Edward was definitely impulsive. He wasn't about taking anything slow, and I loved that about him, but I was also a bit wary. His abrupt changes in moods and desires gave me a serious case of whiplash. Going from purposely wanting me to get pregnant, to him telling me he would never be a father and leaving, to coming back into my life like a title wave, and telling me he wanted fifteen kids. It was all overwhelming.

I wanted to believe he was in it for the long haul, and I truly believed he truly believed he was, but until he faced a few more traumatic obstacles, like meeting his sisters, I couldn't be completely confident in him. It was something I didn't feel the need to even admit to him, but in a way, I think he already knew.

We were both eager to see our relationship grow beyond that trip. It was surely a test, and I prayed harder than I ever prayed before that we would pass that test, and make it out stronger as a couple...


	34. One More Step

**Chapter 34 – One More Step**

"Are you nervous?" I asked Edward as we neared our destination. He had become noticeably more quiet as we entered Chicago, and the atmosphere in the car seemed to get heavier the closer we got.

He shifted his weight in his seat, but still clung to the steering wheel as if he would float into outer space if he let go even for a second.

"I'm not nervous," he lied horribly.

"Scared?" I asked. He didn't even amuse me with a response to that question. He just glanced at me with an annoyed expression.

"Well, I'm nervous," I told him. "They're probably going to think I'm just some random ho their long lost little brother knocked up."

He laughed at me. "If you're a ho, what the hell does that make me? I never understood why people got down on chicks for sleeping around, but guys are allowed to have as many sexual partners as they want. The more the better, right? It's so stupid."

"It is a stupid sexist double standard, but people still do feel that way, and I don't want to make a bad impression on them."

"If they feel that way about you they can go fuck themselves," he said strongly. "I'm not meeting them to look for approval, and I don't want or need any type of relationship moving forward. I have siblings…. Well, sibling I guess - Can't really keep calling Alice my sister. But regardless, Emmett is all the sibling I can handle. This is just… a way to help with this disgust I have about my DNA."

"Okay, but it would be nice to have a relationship with them, don't you think? A person can't have too much family."

"Just remind yourself that when I'm trying to convince you to have our tenth child," he joked - at least, I hoped he was joking.

"Still not having ten kids," I told him.

A few minutes later we pulled up to a nice, mid-sized house, and we both just sat there and stared at it for a while.

"Are they expecting us right now?" I asked after a bit.

"Yeah. I text them while you were using the bathroom a little while ago."

"They're both here? Or are we just meeting one of them right now?" I questioned.

"Uh… I think they're both here. I know one of them lives in another part of the city, but they wanted to be here together to meet me."

"What about their families?" I asked.

"They said something about it being just them at first, and then they wanted to do a barbecue or something with everyone else tomorrow. I guess they're both married, and one just had a baby a few months ago."

"Oh, that's cool. Our baby already has a cousin," I said, trying to break the tension he was exuding.

"Yeah, it's awesome such a great guy like Marcus Aro is going to be a grandpa of two," he said sarcastically.

I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I simply said – "I love you."

His entire demeanor automatically softened, and he smiled at me. "I love you too."

"Okay. Let's get this done then," I said encouragingly.

"I want you to know… I wouldn't have come all this way if you didn't agree to come with me. I said I would, but it wasn't true; I would have canceled the entire thing. You're all I care about. Meeting these people is just a way for me to make sure I'm strong enough for you. That's it. I failed you before, and I refuse to do it again."

"I know," I tried assuring him gently. "But don't close yourself off from letting people care about you. You don't have to dislike these people just because of who they are. They can be more than just a means of testing yourself."

"I'm not closed off, I'm just… not expecting some kind of family connection to them. My only link to these people is a disgusting pedophile kidnapper."

"All I'm saying is to try not to be so judgmental of them before you've even give them a chance. I feel like you've already decided you don't like them, and don't want anything to do with them beyond this trip. Just try to keep an open mind."

"Okay," he said, as if it was nothing more than a simple request.

"Okay?" I questioned.

"I'm here for you, so I'll do whatever you want."

I wasn't sure if he was being facetious or not, but I choose to take it seriously.

I finally convinced him to get out of the car, and then we grasped hands as we approached the door.

I had no idea what I was expecting, but when the door opened to the single most beautiful woman I had ever seen, I couldn't help but be a little flummoxed.

"You must be Edward," the woman said with tears in her eyes. Her perfect makeup didn't even run or smear as a tear dropped down her flawless face. "I'm so happy to finally meet you," she added emotionally, before surprising him with an embrace.

"Uh… this is my… Bella," Edward introduced me awkwardly.

Standing in front of the blonde statuesque beauty, made me suddenly feel frumpy and self-conscious. If I didn't already feel like a blimp, I definitely would have after seeing her.

"Your beauty?" the woman questioned. It wasn't a snide comment, she seemed genuinely confused by his introduction.

Edward laughed once uncomfortably. "She is that, but no, Bella is her name," he explained. "She's my… better half," he said, unsure what else to call me.

"Your girlfriend?" she concluded with an understanding smile.

Edward grimaced. "I suppose," he replied.

I wasn't surprised by his annoyance with the word 'girlfriend'. He had already told me in the hotel the night before that he hated that term. "Its just so insignificant. You're so much more to me than a meaningless girlfriend," he had told me. So, I just squeezed his hand as a way to tell him I understood, and to show him my support yet again.

"Well, Bella, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm Tanya," she said while unexpectedly hugging me. "Oh, you have a little hitchhiker there," she said surprised, while looking down at my belly.

"Oh, yeah. I'm huge," I mumbled.

"Huge?" she questioned with a laugh. "I couldn't even tell until I hugged you. You are tiny. What are you, like three or four months?"

I laughed once. "Just about seven months," I corrected her.

"Seven months?" she said astonished. "You are tiny! I was that big when I was only three months."

"Well, I feel huge," I mumbled, thankfully feeling a little less uncomfortable for some reason.

"Oh, that's just because you're already so small. Gah! I would have given anything to be that little when I had my baby. I gained seventy five pounds! I'm still working on getting off the extra weight."

"You look a pretty amazing to me," I assured her.

"You are too sweet. Please, lets go inside so we can talk more comfortably."

Edward and I followed Tanya into her house, and then we stood awkwardly in the foyer.

"Make yourselves at home, and help yourself," she told us. There were trays of hors d'oeuvres and drinks already set out for us, but the house itself had to be one of the cleanest and fanciest decorated houses I had ever seen - and that was saying a lot after being raised with the Cullens.

"Your house is beautiful," I told her.

"Oh, thank you so much," she said graciously. "I wanted to make sure Edward was comfortable. I know his home is very… um… well kept."

"We have a housekeeper, but she was never able to keep up with my and my brother's messes," Edward told her.

"Oh, so… you aren't so… formal?" she asked with a level of relief I wasn't expecting.

"No. Not at all," he replied. "In fact, my parents basically told our housekeeper to stop cleaning up our junk. They hoped we'd eventually do it ourselves, but basically the house just ends up a complete mess."

"Wow, well it must still be nice to have a housekeeper. I literally have been cleaning this place for a week straight. Kate thought I was insane for being so meticulous with it. I just really wanted you to be comfortable."

"Probably would have been more comfortable if it was a little less…pristine," he said with a light laugh.

"Well, that's great. I won't be so anal about everything the next time you come visit then. It is so hard keeping everything perfect with an infant. I'm sure you'll find out soon enough. I'm so excited to be an aunt soon. I've been trying to convince Kate to have a baby for a while, but she's just too focused on her career right now."

"Where is Kate, by the way?" Edward asked her.

"Oh, she got held up. She should be here any time now."

As if on cue, there was a light knock on the door, and then in walked another drop dead gorgeous woman that I was sure had to have been a super model.

"Here she is now," Tanya said before getting up to introduce her sister. "Kate, this is Edward, and his very lovely girlfriend, Bella."

Like Tanya, Kate also was very excited and nervous to meet their little brother. It was awkward for a few minutes, but we all relaxed soon enough, and they were eager to hear anything and everything about us and our baby.

Perhaps it wasn't completely truthful, but we weren't exactly forthcoming about the fact that Edward and I just recently reconciled. All that drama certainly wasn't necessary right then. We were just happy, and they were happy for us.

All and all, we kept that initial meeting casual. There was no mention of Marcus Aro, or anything about the state of which Edward was brought into the world, and I think the three of them were grateful. They just needed to get a little more comfortable with each other before any of that, and I was shocked by just how easily they all seemed to get along.

Edward was a Cullen, through and through; in fact, he resembled Carlisle more closely than Alice and Emmett combined, but as he stood with his gorgeous sisters, I could honestly see just enough similarities in their features to recognize them as natural family as well. All three of them were beyond beautiful, and they just seemed to fit well with each other, which just gave me a smidge more hope – Perhaps Edward would see some value in that half of his DNA after all.

After a couple of hours or so, we headed to our hotel room, with the plan to meet back up for a big family barbeque the next day.

"Well?" I asked Edward as we got settled in for the evening. He had been super quiet on the way there, so I was a bit anxious.

Edward shrugged. "They seem nice enough."

"Why do I get the feeling there's a but?"

He sighed. "I don't know. The entire thing is still weird for me. I just don't want to hang out with them or be all chummy. And something definitely felt off. You didn't feel like something was off?"

"Not really. How did it feel off?"

"I don't know, like they were hiding something. I just have an uneasy feeling about them. I mean, these women were raised by a psychopath, and they're just… normal? I mean, at least I was mostly raised by the Cullens."

"Maybe they're just good people despite their upbringing," I suggested.

"No, I don't buy it. What about the whole nature verses nurture thing? My "nature" is evil due to that monster, but I was "nurtured" right by the Cullens. They were nurtured by that prick and have his evil DNA, so…." He shrugged.

"So why didn't you ask them about him if you're this worried about it?" I questioned.

"What was I supposed to say? – _'Hey, why are you normal with a dad like ours?'_ \- The whole thing is just super weird."

"Well, I understand why you're wary, but they really seem like nice people to me."

"So did Marcus Aro," Edward countered. "I asked my dad if he knew the guy before Alice was taken, and he said yes. He said he was always respectful and friendly to everyone on staff. He told me how shocked he was when he found out he was the one who had Alice all that time."

"Okay, so maybe your sisters were shocked too," I suggested.

"Come on. Even if he could hide all his disgusting tendencies outside of the home, how the hell did he keep it hidden from his family? They lived with him, Bella. They lived above me for five years. They lived above Alice for three years before that. How could they have been clueless to our existence?"

"I think that's something you need to ask them."

"I know, I should have talked to them today. It's just… I don't know. It's so awkward. Now, their families will be there tomorrow, and I don't want to make some big scene."

"Then why don't we stay a little longer and talk to them about everything after everyone leaves?"

"Have you seen the number of texts Alice has sent me in the past couple of hours alone? Staying any longer is going to be too freaking difficult for her."

"So, what's next then? We just go home without any answers? Kind of defeats the whole purpose of coming here in the first place," I pointed out.

He took a deep breath, and then nodded. "No, you're right. We can't go back home until I talk to them about… him. Let's just plan on staying a little later after the barbecue tomorrow."

I nodded in agreement.

…

The next day couldn't have come fast enough. We loved our time alone together, and cherished every moment, but we were both anxious to get the that event over with so Edward could finally get some answers, and we could be on our way towards a more healthy future.

Tanya and Kate both had very nice families, and Tanya's baby girl was absolutely adorable. They kept gushing over my belly, and telling me how excited they were to be getting a little niece or nephew. Nobody commented on how we were too young to be starting a family, which I was grateful. All in all, they seemed like a very normal and loving family, so I didn't understand Edward's distrust of them.

However, as I was heading upstairs to use the bathroom, since the one downstairs was currently occupied and my big pregnancy belly refused to let me wait, I happened to stumble upon something rather odd.

"Uh… okay," I said to myself quietly. It was clear that the dresser-like cabinet in the hallway was supposed to be shut, but for whatever reason it was wide open, and the numerous amount of framed pictures stuffed inside were exposed. I would have never even looked further had one picture not been clearly visible, and it was a picture of a very familiar looking man.

"Hey, did you get lost?" Edward said as he came up to find me. He completely startled me, so I jumped, which only made him suspicious. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," I said, not wanting to draw attention to the pictures in the cabinet behind me. I wasn't successful…

"What's all that?" he asked. "You going through their things?" he asked with a mischievous grin. "Find anything cool?"

"No, I wasn't going through anything. It was already open, I…."

"What the hell are all of these?" he asked with a mix of shock and anger. He was nowhere near as respectful of their privacy as I was trying to be, and he automatically started taking the pictures out.

There had to be at least a dozen old family photos that looked to be recently taken off the walls, and each of them had a particular man in them.

"Is this who I think it is?" Edward asked slowly as he looked through them, and then he found one that made him pause - It was a picture of a very adult Tanya, standing next to that same man, who was also holding her baby. It had to have been a very new picture.

"So… not only do they keep pictures of that monster in their homes, but it looks like they still have a relationship with him," Edward said evenly. "Its good to know they're all extremely fucked up. I think it's time to leave now," he told me.

I didn't argue. I simply took his hand, and let him lead me down the stairs. We headed straight for the front door to leave, but we happened to cross paths with Tanya, and she could clearly tell by the look on Edward's face that something was very wrong.

"Hey, what's going on?" she asked concerned.

"We're leaving," Edward told her angrily.

"What? Why? What happened?" she asked as Kate walked into the room behind us.

"Nothing happened, I just don't want to associate with psychopaths," Edward replied evenly.

"What are you talking about?" Kate asked confused.

"You know, I thought coming here would help, but you lunatics only proved you are just as wacked out as dear ole' dad."

"Edward, what happened?" Kate asked again.

"You found the pictures," Tanya assumed. "I knew I shouldn't have out them in there with the drawer broken."

"Pictures?" Kate asked perplexed.

"Of us with dad," Tanya clarified.

"Us with dad?" Kate questioned. "Tanya, I told you to get rid of those!"

"Why do you even have them?" Edward asked full of disgust. "How could you even stand to look at him after what he did?"

"He's our father," Tanya said quietly.

"He's a murderer and child rapist!" Edward snapped back.

"He's still our father," Tanya defended herself. "And he's mentally ill. I know you can't possibly understand this, which is why I put all the pictures away before you came, but we had a lot of good years with him. We never even knew what he was capable of. He was a really good father, and we were so incredibly shocked…"

"He was a good father?" Edward asked incredulously. "He had a little girl imprisoned in his basement! A little girl younger then you!" he said to Tanya. "I don't give a shit how great you thought he was. He's a disgusting evil monster, and I don't understand how you could hang pictures of him in your house, or even worse, how the hell you could ever bring your daughter to see him? That is one of the most fucked up things I ever heard!"

"You brought Bree to the prison to see him?" Kate asked surprised.

"It was his birthday. He asked to see her. It was the first and only time," Tanya said with tears in her eyes.

"But you just had to snap a pic, and then frame it for your wall," Edward said bitterly.

"Edward, I'm sorry," Tanya told him, but he didn't want to hear it.

"No, you're not sorry. You're just sorry we found the pictures."

"Edward, you can't possibly understand. I can't just turn off my feelings for him. I absolutely hate everything he did, but despite it all, he's still my father."

"He's my father too, but you don't see me hurrying over there to meet him and form any kind of relationship. I mean, that's seriously fucked up. How can you not see that?"

"I understand, and I agree with you," she said, with more tears in her eyes. "But its so hard to morph the good memories I have of him, with the monster I know he was. He was… a really good father," she repeated. "He was at all our functions, he read to us every night, he cooked dinner, we played family games. He was the one we turned to when we were upset. Our mother worked long hours, it was our dad that was there for us…."

"That man… your ' _good father_ '," Edward seethed, "he kidnapped my mother, a nine year old little girl, and tortured her for… _years_. Over eight years, she lived in that dark, dingy, basement. Never able to breathe fresh air, or see the sky. Not knowing if she was going to die, or ever see her family again... After he was done _reading bedtime stories_ to you two, he went down there and raped her over and over again. She gave birth alone, at only twelve years old. She was terrified, and brutalized, and was never shown an ounce of kindness or compassion. And you have the fucking audacity to put up happy smiling pictures of that bastard in your house? Its sickening!"

"Edward, I never meant to offend you, or upset you in any way," Tanya cried.

Edward ignored her. "My very existence should be all the proof you need to know, without a doubt, what a repulsive and disgusting, shit excuse for a human being that monster is. Its impossible to be a ' _good father'_ and do what he did to a child. They can't exist together, therefore your good father never existed and is only a figment of your imagination."

Tanya was quiet for what felt like a long time, but just as Edward grabbed my hand again to lead me outside, she finally spoke up…

"You're right. Everything you said is absolutely right. He is evil, and he doesn't deserve my sympathies. I guess…. I guess I was just… desperate to see some good in him… because I didn't want to accept that I came from such a horrible man," she said with more tears streaming down her perfect face.

"Yeah, well… it's just something you need to deal with. Trust me, I went from thinking I was the son of the most well respected man in the county, to finding out I was nothing more that the result of a little girl being tortured. It's fucking tough, but its still better to accept the truth than living in some fantasy lie."

Tanya nodded, and cried harder while she kept repeating her apologies. Then Edward did something quite shocking and almost miraculous – he forgave her.

I was half expecting some horrible setback and for him to withdraw into himself again, but his inner strength was on full force that day, and he proved just how far he had come in just a few short months.

As he agreed to sit back down so they could all talk some more, I couldn't help but just stare at him in awe. I was beyond impressed, and so incredibly proud of him. It was just one more positive step forward on his path to be fully healed, and it gave me that much more hope for our future….


	35. Strength

**Chapter 35 – Strength**

"We weren't home… when it happened," Tanya said quietly.

The four of us were sitting in her living room, and finally discussing the specifics of the horrible things Marcus Aro had done, and thankfully, Edward seemed to be handling it fairly well. Of course it was a difficult subject matter, but he was showing his strength and maturity, and I was so proud of the man he was becoming.

"I was a senior in high school at the time, and Kate was a freshman," Tanya continued. "Our mother picked us up from school that day, which was unusual since I had my car there, but she made me leave it, and we took off right away for our grandmother's house, here in Chicago. We never went back home, and we weren't told exactly why until later."

"She just kept telling us dad was in trouble, and he did some very bad things," Kate added.

"Did she ever say how she found them?" I asked carefully. We already knew it was their mother who called the police after discovering her husband's basement prisoners, but they hadn't gone over how in particular, and I couldn't help but be a little curious.

Tanya shrugged. "She didn't like talking about it, but she did tell me once she had heard a child crying several times, but it was only when she was alone in the house and everything was quiet. She brought it up to our dad, and he'd just dismiss it and say it was an old house or that perhaps it was haunted. He'd scare her by telling her stories about a kid who died there years before we moved in, so… she honestly thought she was hearing ghosts. She was terrified to be alone there for a long time."

"Why didn't she ever try to go down to the basement?" Edward questioned.

"Our dad kept it locked, and he had the only key with him at all times. He claimed it had his illegal vintage gun collection in there. We had no reason not to believe him," Tanya explained.

"Mom did tell me how she found out," Kate said hesitantly.

"What? When?" Tanya asked surprised.

"A few years ago… right before she died."

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't she tell me?" Tanya said upset.

"You were always closer to dad than I was. You took everything so much harder. I think she just never wanted to talk about any of it with you," Kate told her.

"Well, how did she find out then?" Tanya pressed.

"She said she had the day off from work, and was coming home with some groceries that morning, and then she finally saw the 'ghost'."

"Wait, she saw Alice?" Edward asked confused.

"No… she saw you," Tanya replied shockingly. "The basement had one small rectangular barred window, no bigger than a vent, that faced out the front, but it was so close to the ground, and tinted, and usually quite dirty with the lawn growing half way up… I'm sure dad just figured it was too small for anyone to ever see what he had inside."

"If the window was so dark and dirty, how did your mother see Edward?" I asked, trying to understand.

Kate shrugged. "She just said his little face was looking out between the bars. I guess she was pretty startled when she saw him. She even screamed and dropped the bag she was carrying. Her first thought was that he was the ghost she was convinced lived there. She ran back to her car, but something made her stop and go back to take a second look. She got down on her hands and knees and looked in that little window, and she must have seen enough to realize the police needed to intervene right away."

"Well, I'm glad she called them," Edward said, clearly at a loss for words.

They spoke a little more about it all, but it started getting late, and Edward and I were both anxious to get back on the road, so we said our goodbyes, and they promised to keep in touch. There was still so much that needed to be discussed, but we were all confident we would get that chance in the future. For the time being, they said enough, so we were on our way.

Edward stayed quiet for the first leg of our journey, assumedly lost in his own thoughts, and I gave him that time he clearly needed while still sitting next to him. He didn't want physical space, as evident by his firm grasp on my hand, and I was eternally grateful he wasn't pushing me away like I had feared.

When we finally stopped that night in a hotel, his introspective silence continued, but he held onto me as if his life depended on it, which only further reaffirmed that his distance was not directed towards me in any way.

Words weren't necessary, and without needing any type of discussion, we slowly eased in to one of the most incredible nights we ever had together. It was painful as he used my body and soul as comfort, but it was the most incredible type of pain – the kind where you felt it in every fiber of your being, as if it was cleaning out all the open festering wounds that were invisible to the naked eye. It was raw and intense, and I truly felt there was nothing left we couldn't handle together.

However, as we neared home a few days later, it seemed Edward's inner strength would be tested one more time…

"Not ready to go back just yet?" I asked as he turned onto the junction leading to Port Angeles.

"I need to make this one last stop," he replied. "Do you mind? I know you're anxious to get this trip over with."

"I'm not anxious to get the trip over. I could travel around with you for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy," I told him sincerely. Then again, my back was hurting quite a bit, and my ankles were swelling. Still, it was heaven sitting next to him, and I truly loved every minute of it.

Edward raised our conjoined hands to his lips so he could kiss my knuckles. "We will make sure to take yearly road trips somewhere," he promised.

I smiled at him. "Can't wait. I hope the baby likes car rides."

"Most do."

He drove another ten minutes or so, and then he pulled up to a particular house in a nice suburban neighborhood.

"Visiting more long lost family?" I joked, but I didn't know just how close my guess was.

"Not exactly," he mumbled before getting out of the car. I followed his lead and got out as well, but then he just stood on the perfectly manicured lawn, and stared at something.

"What…?" I was about to ask where we were, but as I followed his line of sight, I immediately understood. "Is that?"

He nodded. "Tanya gave me the address. Apparently they know the people who live here now. They couldn't sell it because of what happened, so it was either tear it down or rent it out to people they know who were willing to still live here despite what happened."

"So… we're going inside?" I questioned.

He nodded absently. "If you're uncomfortable…"

"If you're going in there, so am I," I told him confidently.

He looked at me full of love, and then kissed me tenderly on the lips. "I love you," he murmured.

"I love you too."

We both took one more look at the small rectangular window towards the base of the house, and then we walked up the steps, and Edward knocked lightly.

The elderly woman that answered the door knew exactly who we were since Tanya had warned her ahead of our arrival, so she ushered us through the house, but chose to stop at the door leading to the basement.

"In the twelve years I've lived here, I've never gone down there, and I never will," she explained in her raspy voice as she used a small silver key to unlock that basement door for us.

Edward squeezed my hand, and then he took a deep breath before we descended the dark rickety stairs. Half way down, Edward reached up and pulled on a skinny chain, thus illuminating a singular lightbulb above us. The dirty bulb was enough for us to see the stairs below our feet enough, but we still couldn't see the rest of the basement well; until, that is, Edward walked straight to a spot in the corner, and flipped a switch.

I coughed twice from the dust, but after waving the air in front of me, I was able to focus on our surroundings. The space still wasn't bright by any means, but there was enough light to see, and what we were seeing was as heartbreaking as it was sickening.

The first thing I noticed was how low the cobweb covered roof was - Edward could hardly stand up straight, and the second thing I realized was just how small of an area it was. No bigger than my bedroom at my dad's house, it consisted of a twin sized mattress on the floor, a wooden rocking chair, and the smallest kitchenette I had ever seen. There was also a miniature children's table covered in papers and books, a filing cabinet, and what looked like a small closet. That was pretty much it.

"There's actually a bathroom through there," Edward said while pointing to a narrow door that I didn't even see before he mentioned it.

I looked at him surprised. "You… remember?" I asked carefully.

"Yeah," he reluctantly admitted. "It's- uh, all starting to come back. Not sure if that's a good thing or not."

"It is a good thing," I whispered while hugging his side and rubbing his back supportively. "You can't really move on if you don't know what you're moving on from," I told him, probably sounding like an idiot.

"I guess you're right," he mumbled. He took another deep breath, and then opened the little bathroom door. "Wow… I remember it being a lot bigger than this."

"Well, you were smaller then, so that makes sense," I told him.

The so-called bathroom looked more like it was originally a storage closet, that was so tiny I could literally touch both walls at the same time without having to stretch far. There was basically a deep hole with a toilet seat on top in the farthest corner, and adjacent to it was a water spout, and across from that was what looked like a small water trough.

"I used to take cold baths in here," he added before reaching inside the trough, and pulling something out. It looked like an old chip bag that had been taped up to resemble a boat. "Alice tried hard to entertain me," he whispered, mostly to himself.

"She is pretty incredible," I agreed quietly.

I then followed him back out of the bathroom, where I stood by and watched him go through various things in the room.

"These are mine," he told me while holding up a little picture of a bird that was drawn by tracing two little hands. "I actually remember when we made these," he said while looking back down at the mess of scrap papers on the tiny kid sized table besides the bed. "These are Alice's," he said while holding up the picture of a heart that was drawn by racing two slightly bigger hands. "Her hands weren't much bigger than mine."

"She's still so tiny," I agreed.

"My dad told me a couple weeks ago that they think her growth was stunted since she was locked down here malnourished for so long. He said when she was rescued, she hadn't grown much since she disappeared at nine years old."

"You were pretty small too," I remembered. The first time I ever saw him I thought he was much younger than me. It was no wonder Alice liked to brag about how big he had grown.

"Yeah, I guess a lack of a healthy diet and fresh air will do that to you."

Edward then walked over to the little minuscule kitchenette, where there was a one burner camping stove, and a tiny fridge, and then he opened the filing cabinet that was next to it . "Hey, Pop-tarts!"

I stepped forward to get a closer look, and sure enough, that little filing cabinet was actually a makeshift pantry. Inside was an opened box of Pop-tarts, what looked like a half empty jar of peanut butter, and some gram crackers that had long turned to dust.

"Isn't it a little weird that none of this was cleaned out?" Edward asked.

I shrugged. "The crime scene crew probably swept through and took pictures, but its not their job to clean up. If Tanya and Kate's mother didn't do it, and the woman living here now didn't either, then…" I shrugged again.

"Still seems odd," he mused.

Next, he walked over to the small closet, where he had spent so much time in his early childhood hiding from that monster, but after taking a quick look inside, he simply closed the door again as if it was nothing more than an empty closet.

Then something must have grabbed Edward's thoughts, because he abruptly looked at the floor, and bent over to lift the scratchy rug that was covering the cement ground. What was exposed underneath was almost too much for my heart and stomach to bear…. It was a large red stain.

"Is that blood?" I asked, choking on the words as they came out.

"Yeah… There wasn't always a rug here. It was just… cold hard ground. Alice tried to clean this up as much as she could with the limited supplies she had, but… When I got old enough to ask about it, she just told me that it was the exact spot we met…. I was born right here."

My chest felt like it was going to cave in from the pain of that thought. It was almost unbearable, but somehow, someway, Edward remained strong, and he actually placed his hand on the stain.

"I used to sit on here… I don't know, I guess I thought it was something good since she said it was where we first met, but I was messing around once, and I fell and hit my head really hard. I guess it bled quite a bit, and Alice freaked. She started screaming and screaming…. I can't remember exactly what happened. I think I blacked out… The next thing I knew, the carpet was here. I don't know how she convinced Aro to bring one down. Actually, I don't even want to think about what she had to do to convince him…"

I swallowed roughly, trying to hold in my own vomit as well as my tears, and then I chose to point out the only positive thing I could think of in that horribly heavy moment.

"So… that stain… it's from Alice's blood, and yours…" I pointed out quietly. "You can't even tell them apart. It's the same blood."

He took a deep breath, and thankfully understood my meaning.

"Yeah, that's what she kept trying to tell me when we were at that camp. She said it's her blood that's inside me, not… Aro's. I tried arguing with her that I had his blood too, but she was insistent. She just kept telling me that I was only hers… I didn't get it until right now… Doesn't matter what the truth about my biology is… I was always just hers."

"Edward, you were never a burden to her, or a consequence of what happened, you were her reason to keep going; to keep fighting and surviving…. And I know that because she told me. Her blood, your blood, it was the exact same to her. She never saw Aro in you, and for you to only focus on that…."

"Yeah, I guess I can see how that would be hurtful to her," he admitted. "I did a lot of hurtful things to her since we came out of this place."

"Its not too late to make it all up to her," I said encouragingly.

He nodded in agreement. "Bella, how the hell are we supposed to protect our kids from shit like this?" he asked, suddenly getting angry. "My dad was… a rich, powerful man in our community, and his daughter was still preyed upon. A father is supposed to protect his children, but if Carlisle Cullen couldn't do that, with all his power, and money, and resources, what chance do I have? I'm not that strong, Bella, I don't think I could survive losing our kid like that."

"You would… if you had to," I disagreed with him softly. "Carlisle had your mom, and Emmett to be strong for. He and Esme were strong for each other. They took turns breaking down, and holding the other one together. They survived it as a team, when so many other couples suffering from tragedies would fall apart. They survived… And look at them now. If they gave up back then, they wouldn't have such a beautiful life now. No matter what happens in the future, as long as we keep fighting for each other, we will survive anything too."

"Bella, I promise you… I won't ever give up on us again," he said intensely.

"I won't either," I said in return, with as much conviction as I was capable of.

"I know you won't. You're so much stronger than I could ever be. You would have never run away like I did. I was such a coward, but that's never going to happen again."

"I know," I tried assuring him.

"Do you?" he asked skeptically. "I know I can't just walk back into your life and expect everything to just be okay and forgiven…"

"I do forgive you," I interrupted him. "You were hit with the last thing you ever expected. You didn't just learn you were adopted. This," I gestured to our surroundings, "would be a terrible blow for anyone to discover. Maybe you could have handled it better, or maybe you handled it the best way possible for you. What matters is you fixed it. You're facing your past, and you're going to finally be able to move forward."

He nodded. "I really think I can now."

"I know you can, and that's exactly what you're doing right now."

"Speaking of moving forward, I think it's time we head out of here," he suggested.

"Okay," I agreed. The truth was I was starting to get a little claustrophobic in such a small dark place. I honestly didn't know how Alice survived there for so long.

"There's just one more thing…" Edward said unexpectedly. He looked towards the brightest light in the room, which happened to be coming from that small, vent - sized barred window in the upper far corner, and he approached it.

"I remember looking up at this window… and just wondering what it was. I had memorized every square inch of this place a hundred times over… every inch except this. It was so high… or at least it seemed high to me at the time."

"How did you finally get up there?" I asked, knowing that was the way they were ultimately rescued.

"Alice must have been warned and threatened to never try to look out there, because every time I'd ask her about it, she would dismiss it and try to divert my attention to anything else. Obviously, I didn't know what a window was. I didn't even know there was more to the world than what was in this basement… but the light coming through it would dance sometimes, which… just made me curious I guess."

"So… you were being mischievous?" I figured with a smile. Edward did always have a disobedient side to him.

He smiled at the memory. "I waited until she was in the bath, and I stacked those little chairs on top of the table… and then I must have jumped. I'm not sure how I managed to pull myself up enough to actually look out, but…"

Since he had grown up away from the basement, he had certainly grown tall enough to look out the tiny window just by standing there, so that's what he did - he looked out that window as if he was fulfilling some childhood dream.

"I remember thinking it was so strange, and confusing, and…amazing," he continued as he stared outside. "There was so much going on out there. So much movement. I don't recall seeing Tanya and Kate's mother, or her car; I guess I was too lost in the wonderment of it all to really focus on anything in particular… It was later that same day that the people came in and took us away."

"Well… it sounds like you're the reason you were both rescued," I told him emotionally. "Your defiance was a good thing that time."

"I know Alice thinks I was mad at her for not… being stronger and making sure I was never taken away from her when the people came down here and separated us for those months, but…." He shook his head. "I've never been mad at her. That's not why I closed myself off."

"You know why you… suppressed all those memories?" I asked surprised.

"I thought… I thought it was my fault that we were ripped apart. She told me to stay away from the window, and I didn't listen. I spent the next couple months with strangers in a world I didn't understand. Nothing was ever the same again, and I think I was just… mad. But that anger I had was always directed towards myself… and it never really went away. I came to understand why the basement was wrong, and I certainly never wanted to go back, but… that feeling… that feeling of knowing I did something that resulted in my entire life being flipped upside down… it just… ate away at me."

"I can't even imagine how hard that was for you both," I told him.

"Instead of facing my anger head on like a man, I ran away from it. I retreated so deeply within myself that… I couldn't remember any of this."

"Edward… you couldn't face it like a man because you were just a little boy. You were five years old, and you were terrified. You didn't do anything wrong," I told him strongly.

"And yet, I did it again when I was old enough to know better. When I had to face the truth, I ran away again, except this time I physically left. I left Alice, my family, my home… and I left you. I was never a complete person without you. From the time we met, you have always been everything good and strong inside of me, but because I didn't want anything good at that time, I left you. I flipped my world upside down again, and I didn't have the benefit of blaming my innocent ignorance anymore. I should have faced it all head on like a good man would, but…. I ran away."

I nodded in agreement. "You did run away… but you sure are facing it like a man now. Look at where we are. You knew coming here would bring back so many painful memories, but you still came. That's not just being a man, that's being a strong human being."

"If I do have any strength, it's because of you," he replied without hesitation.

"Its not just because of me. You were born with strength, Edward. Alice made sure of that. She gave you her strength, you just needed to dig it out of yourself and use it. I think you finally know how to do that now."

"I hope so," he murmured. "I'm going to need it moving forward. I need to be strong for you, and our baby, and… I won't fail you again."

"I believe you," I assured him. "We will be strong for each other," I said without a doubt. Then I reached my hand out towards him. "Let's go home."

"Home sounds pretty freaking amazing right about now, doesn't it?" he said with his most adorable crooked smile.

I smiled back at him. "It sure does."

After going so far, and all the stress and emotions of that trip, the idea of home was like heaven, even if I wasn't exactly sure where home would be at that point - At my dad's house? In the apartment at the Cullen ranch? Somewhere else entirely? It didn't really matter. As long as we were together, I was sure we would make the perfect home for ourselves and our child, and I couldn't wait to finally get there...


	36. Home

**Chapter 36 – Home**

"So… where is home?" Edward asked me as we entered our hometown border.

"Wherever we can be together," I answered without hesitation.

"Well, the apartment on my parent's property isn't ready to be lived in yet, and I don't think I can stay with you at your dad's place, so…"

"So… what's our third option?" I asked, getting slightly anxious. I really didn't want to separate from him, especially not right then considering all the traumatic memories running through his head. I'd never be able to sleep without him as I spent all night worrying about his frame of mind. Deep down I knew he was so much stronger than he was before, but still, I couldn't even fathom the thought of being away from him right then.

Edward sighed. "I already asked my parents if you can stay with me at their house, and they said yes but that you had issues with my bedroom."

"Oh," I said with a sudden sharp pang shooting right to my chest. I had been so focused on Edward facing his pain, that I almost forgot that I still needed to face mine. "Yeah… I haven't been back there since… that day," I choked out. "I've hardly been back to the house, but I certainly haven't been in your room since I was in there… cleaning."

Edward locked his jaw. "I don't think I'll ever understand why you went there and cleaned all that up. You should have let the housekeeper do it. Or my mom."

"I didn't want to risk Alice seeing it," I mumbled.

"Well, I appreciate that, but still. Now you can't even stand going in there. I honestly don't know where else we can live until the apartment is ready."

I inhaled deeply, and then let it go slowly.

"If you can face that basement, then… I can face your bedroom," I said softly. I meant to sound confident, but I wasn't sure how successful I was.

"Bella, I don't want to stress you out," he replied strongly.

"Well, what's the alternative?" I asked, matching his tone. "Its either we stay together in your room, or we split up until the apartment is ready, and splitting up would be much more stressful for me."

"Are you sure?" he asked skeptically.

"One hundred percent."

"Okay. I'll drive us to your dad's house first so we can explain everything to him, and you can grab anything from there you may want for now. Then we'll head home."

I nodded. "Sounds like a plan."

The moment we pulled up to my dad's house, however, someone was there waiting for me on the porch steps with a big bouquet of flowers, and it wasn't my dad.

I sighed. "He just doesn't give up," I grumbled. "Let me get rid of him," I practically begged Edward. It had been a rough enough day already, I certainly didn't want it to end with an altercation between the two of them.

"Don't worry about it," Edward said, surprisingly calm. I hoped he would just stay in the car until Mike left, but he got out quickly, and before I could get my big fat self out of my seat, Edward was already approaching him.

"Wow! I can't believe you remembered my birthday. I mean, you're a bit late, but it's still a nice gesture. Thanks man!" Edward said to him while taking the flowers out of his hands. "So sweet. Now I feel like shit for all the times we argued in the past," he added before looking back and me and winking. "I'm going to go inside and put these in some water," he said, before surprisingly leaving me alone with Mike.

Mike looked at me just as stunned by the peaceful encounter as I was. "So… uh… I guess you're back with him then?" he said awkwardly.

"Yep… Mike, I told you…"

"I know," he cut me off. "I just had to try one more time. "He better treat you right this time, or he'll have to answer to me."

I laughed once, and then looked at the ground uncomfortably.

"You look beautiful, but the way," he told me while gesturing to my bloated belly. "Just like I always imagined you would at this stage. Of course, I always hoped it would be my baby in there, but still…"

"Uh… thanks," I said, not knowing how else to respond.

He nodded absently. "Okay, well… good luck… with everything... And I do mean that sincerely."

"Thanks," I said again. "Good luck to you too… in whatever your future brings… And I mean that sincerely too."

"Okay… well…" Without warning, he leaned in and kissed my cheek, before turning around and heading straight to his car.

In a way, I was actually glad he had come. We hadn't spoken since my accident, and I knew he was still out there somewhere carrying a torch for me. It was good for him to know we were over once and for all, and for us to both have some closure. Despite not being a good boyfriend, he had been a really good friend for a while, and I truly appreciated that.

Once inside the house, my dad greeted me with a big hug. "I missed you, Bells," he said lovingly.

"I missed you too," I told him.

"Hey, sorry for the ambush out there. Mike text me yesterday asking when you'd be home, and I told him you weren't interested, but he wouldn't quite, so I finally told him you'd be back today sometime. He was here earlier this morning, but I turned him away. I guess he's been out there waiting for a while," Dad explained.

"Its not a problem," I assured him absently as I noticed Edward in the kitchen behind him, placing the flowers in a vase. "What are you doing?" I asked confused.

"What?" Edward asked equally confused.

"What are you doing with the flowers?" I clarified.

"Putting them in a vase of water," he said slowly, clearly unsure what my issue was.

"Why didn't you just throw them away?" I asked, thinking that was the obvious thing to do with unwanted flowers.

"These are good flowers. Why throw them out?" he replied without a hint of sarcasm. When I just stared at him for a moment, he shrugged. "Its not like he went out of his way to buy you some expensive flowers. These are from his grocery store. They're probably yesterday's leftovers."

I laughed at him. I couldn't help it. Edward's reasoning was so funny, but even more than that, I was just so dumbstruck and proud of how mature he was handling everything.

"I love you," I told him as I continued to watch him adoringly.

He smiled back at me. "I love you, too."

When Edward was finally finished arranging the flowers and placing them on my dad's table, the three of us went into the living room to discuss the trip, and what we had decided for our living situation moving forward.

Charlie was understandably concerned by the idea of me moving in full time with Edward and the Cullens, but he was also supportive. He knew it was in our child's best interest to have it's parents living together.

"As long as you promise to bring that baby over here to visit it's old grandpa every once in a while," he told us.

"I promise, dad," I assured him.

I was relieved to have my dad be so understanding about it all, but on our way to the Cullen house, I started to get nervous again. "Are you sure your parents are cool with this?"

"Yeah. Bella, you've practically lived there your whole life already. Hell, you lived there before I did."

"Yeah, but that was different," I pointed out. "They thought we had a different type of relationship."

Edward laughed once. "Well, we did."

"Exactly! So how are they okay with me staying in your room now?… Or are they expecting me to still sleep in your dad's office?" I asked anxiously.

"You're staying in my room with me until the apartment is done," he reiterated. "Look, we're both eighteen, and we're having a baby. They get it, trust me."

"Its going to be super awkward, isn't it?" I whined.

He laughed at me. "Only if you let it be."

"Ugh!" I huffed at him, but he just continued to laugh at me.

I was nervous the rest of the way to the Cullen house, and when we finally pulled up, I was surprised to see their entire family waiting on the porch to greet us - which was a much more welcomed welcoming than what had been waiting for us at my dad's house.

"How did they know we would be getting here right now?" I asked as he parked the car.

"Oh, I text them before we left your dad's," Edward explained. "Don't worry, I warned my mom not to give you any sex talks."

"Har-har, very funny," I grumbled, before following his lead and getting out of the car.

"Well, look at that, he actually came back," Emmett said like a smartass, as Edward began walking towards them.

"I had to. I missed you too damn much," Edward replied, echoing his smartass tone.

"I bet you did. Welcome home, little bro!" Em said while jumping off the porch steps to meet him half way. They hugged each other hello, but Alice was right behind him, and she basically squeezed herself between them before they even had a chance to separate.

"Emmett is cute and all, but I know you missed me more, right?" Alice asked Edward, but despite her funny choice of words, she actually sounded serious, as if she was legitimately worried he missed Emmett more than her.

He smiled at her. "Of course I missed you more," he told her while wrapping his arms around her in the biggest hug I had ever seen him give her before. She had a huge smile on her face as he held her, and she may have even been crying happy tears, which only made the rest of us cry as well.

"I brought you something," he told her after she finally released him.

"You did? Is it gummy bears?" she asked excitedly.

He looked at her with a mix of confusion and humor. "Um… no. Here," he said while pulling a piece of thick paper out of his back pocket, and then handing it to her. She looked at it surprised, and then she unfolded it and immediately started crying again. "You went to the basement?"

I took a step forward to get a better look at what he gave her, and I realized it was the hand print pictures we had found on that little children's table. I didn't even see him take them, but I was so incredibly glad he did. It was a very sweet and beautiful gesture for him to bring them back to her.

"Look how little your hands were," Alice cooed as she marveled over the pictures. Esme approached quietly behind her and looked over her shoulder, and then cried too.

Alice hugged herself against Edward's torso once more, and Esme hugged the both of them, and then Carlisle wrapped his arms around them as well. Of course Emmett wasn't about to be left out of that big family group hug, so he wrapped his arms around them too.

It was so very sweet to see them all together like that; they were finally a whole family again, or perhaps they were actually whole for the first time, since it was only then that everyone was able to finally accept and embrace their true place in the family dynamic.

I wanted to get my phone out and take a picture to capture the moment, but before I was even able to reach for my phone, Emmett grabbed my arm and pulled me into the huddle.

"You're a member of this family too," he told me.

"She certainly is," Esme agreed emotionally.

"She's actually my favorite member," I heard Alice say from somewhere in the group.

"Uh. I'm offended by that statement," Edward's voice grumbled.

"Sorry, it's the truth," Alice defended her words. "I love you most, but I like her better. She's nicer, and far less moody than you."

I couldn't help but smile at that one.

"Alright, well that makes sense," Edward conceded.

"It certainly doesn't!" Emmett protested. "How can you like Bella more than me?"

"You stink," Alice said simply.

"I do not. I smell like roses," Em argued.

"We don't want to hear you talking about smelling like Rose's anything," Edward joked crudely, which pretty much just offended Esme.

"Inappropriate," she scolded him lightly.

"Sorry," Edward apologized.

"How about we all just agree that everyone loves everyone?" Carlisle insisted.

"We do, dad," Alice agreed. "I just happen to like Bella best."

"Okay, okay," Carlisle appeased her, and then everyone let go of each other so we could head into the house.

On our way in, however, Carlisle pulled Edward to the side, placed his hand on the side of his face, and said – "I'm really proud of you, son." It was just another sweet moment, and I could tell it meant a lot to Edward as well.

Thankfully, nothing about the rest of that day was awkward. It was really the first time Edward and I had been a real couple around his family, but nobody seemed to care or get weirded out when he would reach for my hand, or kiss me sweetly on the lips.

The only thing left that I was really concerned with, was going up to Edward's bedroom that night.

"Oh honey, you look exhausted. Why don't you head up to bed," Esme suggested.

"Uh…"

I was about to deny my fatigue, just because I had been stalling my reintroduction to his room since we got home, but Edward refused to let me put it off for a moment longer.

"Come on. Might as well get it over with," he told me encouragingly. He knew I was scared of his room, but he also knew facing that fear was the best way to move forward. He got up from the couch, and then he kissed his two mothers on their cheeks goodnight, before holding his hands out towards me to help me up off the couch.

"Just let me know of you need anything," Esme told me.

"Me too!" Alice added. "Don't worry, Bella, my room is just down the hall. I'll be right in there if you need me. And Edward promised not to cut himself again, so everything should be fine this time."

Edward grimaced at her words, but I knew her heart was in the right place, so I smiled at her, and then let Edward lead me up the stairs.

My heart began to race the closer we got to his room, but right before he opened the door, he paused and looked back at me. "Just take deep breaths," he instructed. "Its not worth you having a panic attack over. We can both sleep in my dad's office if it would make you feel better."

I looked into his deep green eyes, and I must have found the strength I needed, because suddenly I wasn't afraid anymore. "No. As long as you don't disappear on me, I'll be fine."

"I promise I'll never leave you again," he murmured.

"Okay, then let's go inside."

Edward nodded, and then opened the door for me. I took one last deep breath, and then I went inside. That room had been the source of my nightmares for the past several months, but walking back into it with Edward's hand firmly in mine, I immediately realized that it was just a room. The same room it had always been. It wasn't the place that Edward had left me behind anymore, it was the place we would start our new lives together. It wasn't just his room either, it was our room, and our first home together.

"Are you okay?" he asked concerned as I quietly sat on his bed, and looked around wide eyed.

I nodded. "We can put the crib right there," I decided, which made him smile widely.

"Well, hopefully I'll have that apartment finished before its born."

I shrugged. "I know it's a lot of work, and you have a job, and more classes you're taking, so… we will make it work in here. No need to rush."

"You sure?" he asked skeptically.

I nodded. "Positive… Oh, and we can put my mom's rocking chair in that corner," I told him with a twinge of excitement.

"Your mom's rocking chair? Charlie is really willing to part with that?" Edward asked surprised.

"Of course. He bought it for her to rock me in when I was a baby, and he said it was only right that I have it to rock my baby with."

He smiled and nodded. "Okay then. I think it would be perfect right there too."

Suddenly something occurred to me, and I couldn't help but bite my inner cheek as a response.

"What's wrong?" he asked concerned.

"I need to use the bathroom," I said hesitantly.

Edward glanced at the closed bathroom door behind him, and then he looked back at me. "Want me to go in there with you?" he asked, knowing that bathroom had scared me most of all, since it was where I had found him and all his blood.

There had been so much blood.

Even though I was the one who had scrubbed it from top to bottom, I still couldn't even imagine that bathroom without the blood at that point.

"Edward, I love you, but I don't want you in the bathroom with me while I pee," I told him with a mix of humor and fear.

"Uh, I know you didn't read those baby books, but I assure you, in just a few more months, I'm going to see way worse stuff than just your pee."

I giggled at him. "Uh, I think not. You are going to stay up by my head the entire time I give birth."

"What?" he asked with a laugh. "No way! I want to see it all. Your poop coming out as you push…"

"Huh?" I asked disturbed.

"The baby's head ripping everything up down there..."

"That's gross."

"All the puss and blood that comes out with the baby. The afterbirth…"

"Okay, who the hell are you, and where did the real Edward go?" I asked him confused. The Edward I grew up with was a germ-a-phobe that would freak out if he even found a stray hair in the house.

He chuckled. "Nah, I can't wait for all that. I mean, it was all pretty disgusting in the videos I watched, but nothing about you could ever gross me out."

"You watched videos?" I asked confused.

"Yeah, in one of my EMT classes. In the next level of EMT that I'm working towards, I get to actually learn how to deliver a baby. So, I'm thinking about asking your doctor if I can deliver our baby. It would be awesome training. Don't you think?"

I just stared at him in fear and bewilderment.

He raised his brows while shooting me his most adorable crooked smile. "I don't think any other pregnant woman would let me experiment with delivering her baby. I have to do it with ours," he added. "Imagine the great hands-on training I'd get… oh, and you know, bonding with our baby and all that."

I opened my mouth to try to form some kind of response to him, but no words would come out.

"Speechless huh?" he said with laugh. "I know. I'm that excited about it too," he said before kissing my forehead. "Its going to be the best day ever… for me anyway. I'm sure you'll be in a ton of pain."

I stared at him for another minute, before finally deciding what to say next – "I'm going to go in there and use the bathroom before I pee my pants, but… thank you for disturbing me more than I was before. It definitely helped take my mind off of it," I said before getting off the bed, and walking quickly towards the bathroom.

Without giving myself a chance to freak out, I opened the door and flipped the light switch, but then I froze in place…

"Oh, my god," I whispered. The state of that bathroom was so shocking, that I honestly couldn't even move for a moment.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked as I felt him approach from behind, and then he peeked over my shoulder. "What. The. Hell?" he said slowly.

I covered my hand with my mouth to prevent myself from smiling too big. I may have even been crying a little.

"Oh, I just love your family so much," I said as I looked around at the freshly remodeled, and very girly looking bathroom.

Everything was new in there from the tub and sink, to even the tiles on the floor, and it was all painted and decorated in hues of my favorite color. I would have never even guessed it was the same bathroom if I didn't know any better, and I knew the Cullens had done all of it just for me. It was one of the sweetest and most loving gestures I had ever experienced before, and I truly felt like a cherished member of the family.

"Okay, that was cool of them to redo the bathroom for you, but I'm not exactly sure why it had to be so purple."

"Because they know it's my favorite," I said while wiping my tears.

"Yeah, but you're just one person. Two men have to use this bathroom too?"

"Two men?" I questioned amused.

"Yeah, me and our son. I don't think it's very healthy for our son to be stuck using such a girly bathroom. Even if it's only temporary until I get the apartment done."

I giggled. "I think he or she will be okay no matter what color the bathroom is," I said before kissing him tenderly on the lips, and then pushing him out of the room so I could pee in peace.

That night I was relieved and grateful to have a restful night sleep in Edward's arms, and when I woke up in the same exact position the next morning, I knew I had found myself in the best living arrangement possible. It didn't matter that we didn't have our own private house or apartment; we were together, and surrounded by people who loved and supported us unconditionally, and I couldn't think of anything better than that….


	37. Back to You

**BACK TO YOU**

"Hey…. Wake up, I think its time," I mumbled, still half asleep myself, but I couldn't ignore the sharp pains in my back and lower belly any longer.

"What?" Edward asked groggily.

"Its time," I repeated through gritted teeth as another contraction hit me.

"Time?" he asked confused, but then it must have finally occurred to him. "The baby!" he shouted excitedly, before getting up so quickly that he ended up tripping on something and fell straight to the ground.

"Wow, that was graceful," I laughed at him.

"I'm okay," he said while jumping right back up to his feet.

"Well you won't be okay if you don't go wake up Alice before we leave," I warned him.

"It's the middle of the night," he argued. "I'm sure it'll be hours before the baby actually arrives."

"You promised her," I reminded him.

He huffed. "Yeah… and I think she was serious with all those threats she issued out."

"She was definitely serious," I agreed.

"Alright. Let me just help you down the stairs, and then I'll run in to wake up Alice."

"And Esme," I added.

"She can wait…" he started to argue again, but I just gave him that stern look I so often gave when I wasn't kidding around, so he huffed and then nodded in agreement.

It was almost funny how our family dynamic had shifted since I had moved in with the Cullens. Esme had always been the only mother figure I had ever known, but since living with them full time, and Edward turning to Alice for more and more of his motherly needs, Esme had truly become more like my mother than his. It was as if we both had our own moms there in a way, and yet, we were all still very close.

Edward walked me out to the car, and helped me get in, before racing into the house to wake up the moms to let them know it was time to leave.

Less than two minutes later, the three of them emerged from the house, each looking more excited than the last. It figured I was the only one nervous. They all got to just sit by and enjoy the process, whereas I had the wondrous joy of all the pooping, and ripping, and all the other nastiness that went along with the excruciating pain. I was definitely the least excited out of our bunch. Hand me a healthy baby after all the pain was done, and then I'd be excited.

"Bella, you do not look happy at all," Alice commented as Edward began driving us to the hospital.

I forced a smile through my next contraction in an attempt to lie about my nerves. It didn't work…

"That had to be the worst fake smile I've ever seen on your face," Alice said in almost a scolding tone.

"Sorry. I'm trying," I told her.

"You don't have to pretend to be happy for our benefit. We both know first hand how giving birth sucks," Alice said supportively, and then she grabbed my hand so I could squeeze hers through the pain.

"Actually, you and your brother were both born by C-section," Esme reluctantly admitted from the front passenger seat.

"What?" Alice nearly shouted. "Why am I just finding out about this now? It's no wonder I have emotional issues. I was robbed of the opportunity to be brought into this world naturally."

"Alice, somehow I don't think any of your emotional issues are from your birth," Edward told her evenly.

"What else can they be from?" she deadpanned, and I could see Edward's humorously confused expression reflecting in the rear view mirror. "Traumatic births can carry a lifetime worth of emotional issues, even if they can't remember the experience," Alice continued.

"Look, if you want to blame all of your anxieties and insecurities on your unnatural birth, rather than your years of torture and captivity, then I'll support you," Edward told her casually.

"Thank you," she said, seemingly sincere.

"So basically, all your problems in life are my fault, because I couldn't fit your big head down my birth canal?" Esme grumbled.

"If you want to apologize, I could be ready to forgive you," Alice told her straight faced.

 _'Is she joking?'_ – I mouthed silently to Edward in the mirror.

He shrugged. "Who knows," he said out loud.

"Who knows what?" Alice asked him perplexed.

"Who knows if you're actually serious with all this mystic mumbo jumbo," he told her.

"Its not mystic mumbo jumbo," she said defensively. "The soul remembers even before the body is born. Just because your brain can't recall certain things, does not mean your inner self can't. I can even read your pre-birth story in your aura."

"Okay, Obi Wan, the force is real, I believe you," he teased her.

"Edward, your child is sensing your disbelief as we speak. You could be doing permanent damage to him if you're not careful," she scolded him.

"Alright, alright, I yield. My aura is calm, okay? Why don't you stop worrying about me, and concentrate all that healing power onto Bella right now," he said, trying to appease her.

In the past few months or so, Alice had started reading books about mystic healing and aura reading. The rest of us thought it was all nonsense, but she was super into it, so we all just went along with it. It was at least somewhat entertaining. I only felt bad for poor Jasper, because he definitely had to suffer the brunt of Alice's crystal and aura babble, and freaky mystic experiments. Of course he just took it all in stride, and still looked at her like she sun rose out of her eyes, so I didn't feel too bad for him.

By the time we made it to the hospital, the pain was getting so bad, and so close together, that I wasn't at all surprised when I was determined to already be at an eight after I was first checked.

"Wow, that is very impressive," Carlisle said when he walked in and read my chart. He had already been at the hospital doing some rounds that night, so he was glad to get the opportunity to be there when otherwise we would have left him at home to sleep.

"Hey dad, guess what?" Edward told him excitedly.

"She's actually going to let you do it?" Carlisle replied with a smile on his face, clearly already knowing what Edward was going to say.

"Do what?" I asked confused.

"Deliver the baby myself," Edward said eagerly.

I huffed. "Really?" I asked, lacking the proper strength to actually care in that moment.

"Oh yeah. I already spoke to your OB, and she's all for it," he told me with an enthusiastic grin.

"Ugh, whatever!" I shouted as another contraction hit me full force.

"This baby is coming fast," Edward said while going over to the sink to wash his hands.

"Carlisle, please go see if her doctor is here yet," Esme instructed. "She's going to freak if Edward tries to check her without her here."

"Edward, wait for the doctor," Carlisle demanded before heading out to hopefully find my obstetrician.

"You people are paranoid. I'm trained for this," Edward said unfazed.

"You might be trained to catch a baby when its born in an emergency setting, but I don't think you're trained for Bella's death glare as she cusses you out while trying to kick you in the face, because that's what's about to happen," Alice warned him.

"I wouldn't disrespect your mother by cussing like that," I told Alice calmly.

Two minutes later my strongest contraction yet hit me hard, and I was certainly cussing like a trucker stuck in heavy traffic. Thankfully, Esme wasn't offended, or at least she pretended not to be.

A few minutes after that, my OB finally arrived, and she checked me again. I was so close, so she didn't go very far for the next small stretch of time.

When I was finally ready to start pushing, Edward was ready to be the one to catch it. I knew if I really minded he would have backed off, but I also knew how important it was to him, so I allowed it. He wanted to be the first one to touch and hold our child, not some doctor, and I did understand that, and actually thought it was rather sweet.

"I see him, baby!" Edward told me as the head slowly emerged. After the head, came the shoulders, and then Edward pulled the baby the rest of the way out of me. He did it all by himself - well, I suppose we did it together. It was such a beautiful moment, and we were all crying.

"Charlie, say hi to mommy," Edward cooed as he tearfully placed our beautiful baby on my chest, while kissing me tenderly on my forehead. "You did so good, babe," he murmured to me.

"So did you," I told him emotionally, before tilting my head up so he could kiss my lips. Then I looked down at the precious new life on top of me. "Hi, sweetie!" I cried as I tried to focus on his little face. "Oh, he does look like a Charlie, doesn't he?" His pink chubby cherub cheeks made him look so much like my dad, that I knew we picked out the right name for him.

"Oh, Bella, he's so perfect," Alice sang before bending over to kiss his little head.

"Your dad would be so honored to have him carry his name," Esme told me gently.

I nodded with more tears rolling down my cheeks. "I wish he was here to see him."

"He is, Bella," Alice assured me. "He definitely is."

My dad had passed away suddenly of a heart attack, just two days after my last ultrasound where we discovered I was having a boy. It was right after the funeral that Edward and I decided that our son would carry his name. It was a difficult time, but I was also so incredibly grateful to be surrounded by such an amazing supportive family to help me get through it. My grief was still raw, but the birth of our baby was a welcomed blessing that certainly helped me in the healing process.

"Honey, Emmett is texting. He really wants to come. Are you up for it?" Esme asked gently as I was attempting to nurse little Charlie for the first time.

"Of course," I said with a smile.

"Are you sure? It's totally understandable if you want to try to get some rest first," she told me.

"No, I'd really like him to be here. I want our whole family together," I assured her emotionally.

"Okay, I'll tell him," she said before kissing my forehead, and stepping out of the room to call Emmett.

By the time they got there, Edward was holding little Charlie again on the rocking chair, so my arms were free to receive what had to be the biggest hug I ever got before.

"I've been so worried about you," he cried in my arms as I held him back securely.

"Oh, baby, I told you mommy was going to be okay, right?" I cooed as I tried to comfort his sweet little body as he trembled.

He wiped his tears and nodded at me. "I just didn't know you wouldn't be there when I woke up this morning."

"I know. We didn't want to wake you up that early. But that's why you were sleeping in the big house with Uncle Emmett, remember? Because we weren't sure when your baby brother would be here," I reminded him.

"Is he here yet?" he asked while looking around the room.

"Pssst," Edward tried to get his attention.

"Daddy!" he said excitedly. He ran across the room to Edward, but then paused when he saw the baby in his arms.

"Hey buddy, this is your baby brother, Charlie," he told him while pulling him on his lap so he could see him better.

"He does look like Grandpa Charlie, huh?" he said with a smile, which only made me cry again.

"Yeah, he certainly does," Edward agreed.

"Do you think Grandpa can see him in heaven?" he asked his daddy.

"I think so," Edward said quietly while looking over at me.

Alice approached them, and then got down on her knees so she could be closer to their level.

"Teddy… nobody is ever truly gone. Your grandpa will always be with you… in here," she said while pointing at his heart. "As long as you remember him, and love him, he will always be with you."

"I know," he said with a sad smile, and then he reached his arms around her neck, and hugged her tightly.

Teddy was just five years old, and like me, he was still processing my father's death. It was tough on him, but he was a strong little boy, and he was handling it so bravely.

...

 _The day Teddy was born, Edward and I had yet to come up with a name for him, since we didn't even know if we were having a boy or a girl at that point. Edward got to assist in his birth, but mainly he had just watched and learned from it. He too had been a beautiful healthy chubby little guy, but there was absolutely no mistaking who he looked like…_

 _"Oh, Teddy!" Alice cried the first time she held him._

 _"Uh… we agreed you'd call me Edward," Edward told her lightly, somewhat shocked she had called him Teddy again after so long of calling him Edward._

 _"Not you," she told him. "Well, I guess yes you. He looks just like you did when you were born," she told him with tears streaming down her face. "Sorry, he just reminded me of that moment when I first held you."_

 _I knew right then what our first son's name had to be. It took Edward some convincing, but eventually he agreed to let us name our baby boy after him. His name was formally Edward Cullen Jr., but everyone called him Teddy. It just fit, and Alice was over the moon excited about it._

 _So much had happened in the five years since we first became parents. We got married when Teddy was six months old. It was just a small backyard type wedding, with mainly just family there to take part of our special day. My dad gave me away, and Alice and Esme took turns holding our baby throughout the festivities. It was simple and perfect, just like we had wanted it._

 _We spent the next few years happily adjusting to life as parents, and with the help of our family, we both managed to finish school. Edward reached the top level paramedic, and after I took a few years to figure out what I wanted to do with myself, I finally got licensed to become an emotional support therapist for PTSD patients. I actually split time between a few different physical and psychological rehab centers, but my dream was to open up my own practice, where I could help patients find some peace through working with animals. It was still somewhat of a pipe dream, but I truly believed one day I could make it happen._

 _..._

"Can I hold Charlie?" Teddy asked after a few minutes.

"Yeah, of course. Why don't you go sit up on the bed with mommy so she can help you, okay?" Edward told him.

Teddy smiled widely, and looked so much like his daddy that it was nearly impossible for me to not smile at him as a response. He pushed himself off of Edward's lap, and then raced back over to me.

"Here, let grandpa help you up," Carlisle told him before lifting him up onto my lap, and then Edward brought baby Charlie over to us.

"Okay, you have to support his head," Edward told him.

Teddy smiled, and nodded excitedly as his daddy placed his new brother in his arms.

"I love you, Charlie," Teddy whispered, and then leaned over so he could kiss him on his head.

Of course we were all crying. It was just about the sweetest thing any of us had ever seen.

Adjusting to being parents of two was actually not nearly as hard as I was expecting. We were already used to being busy, and thankfully little Charlie was an easygoing little guy. However, our apartment on the Cullen property was getting pretty cramped, but any time we even remotely brought up the idea of moving to a bigger place, Alice would just about have a heart attack and beg us to let her come. Edward and I weren't upset by her reaction; we didn't really want to leave either, so we just put a smile on our faces, and dealt with the chaotic mess of not having enough space for our growing family.

...

Time continued to move quickly, and before we knew it, we had a seven year old and a two year old, and the main house was in full swing as Alice, and Emmett's new wife Rosalie, put all the finishing touches on a huge twenty fifth birthday bash for me. I still hated parties, but it made Alice so excited that I just went with it.

"How many people are going to be here again?" I asked wearily as Alice was setting up the numerous tables on the back lawn.

"Forty five, or so," she replied distractedly.

"Forty five?" I asked surprised. "Do I even know that many people?"

"We invited all your friends, and some of the patients you've worked with over the past couple of years," Alice explained.

"Oh… that's sweet," I told her, but I was a little confused as to why any of my patients or former patients would want to come to my birthday party. Sure, working closely with people over a stretch of time often formed more personal relationships, but it still seemed a little odd.

"Oh, hey Teddy, want to help?" Alice asked as my oldest son came skipping up to us. He nodded with a smile, so she handed him a big stack of napkins. "Can you put these on the tables, please?"

"Okay, Alma," he agreed, happily eager to help her with anything she needed. Teddy had been calling Alice 'Alma' since he could talk. It was the name Alice chose for herself as a combination of Alice and Grandma, and I think they both loved that special connection. " _Not everyone gets an Alma,_ " he had told me once, and he was definitely right about that. Of course Charlie followed his lead and called her Alma as well, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

"I want to help too!" Charlie squealed excitedly.

"Of course you can help too," Alice told him with a big grin and a kiss to his chubby cheek. "Here, take these, and go follow your brother," she instructed.

"I do it?" Charlie insisted.

"Yes, you can do it, but listen to brother. Okay?" Alice said sternly, but with a smile on her face.

"Okay. Me a big boy now!" Charlie said happily as he ran off after his brother while carrying a much smaller stack of napkins.

"So… why are we having a big party again?"

"You only turn twenty five once," Alice replied as if it was self-explanatory.

"But…."

"Oh, Bella, just go with it," she told me.

"Alright," I said with a sigh.

People started arriving, so I put on a brave face, and mingled to the best of my capabilities.

Once everyone was settled with some food at the tables, I was surprised to see Carlisle stand and address everyone.

"I'd like to make a toast to our beautiful daughter in law, Bella, on her twenty fifth birthday," he said while holding a glass of champagne.

"I'll never forget how happy your parents were on the day you were born," he continued. "Two hard working people who finally took a moment to find real happiness for the first time in their lives. Bella, you made them so happy, and even though both of their lives ended far too soon, I know they are extremely proud of the woman, and mother, you have become. You have touched the lives of everyone here so positively, that we just want to celebrate you," he told me, and then everyone clapped in agreement.

"Thank you," I replied with tears in my eyes, despite the fact he probably couldn't even hear me from where he was.

"Now, time for gifts," Carlisle announced.

"Uh…"

"Don't worry, we know you hate opening gifts, so the invitations that went out stated not to bring any, but we still have something for you from us. Here," he said while handing me an envelope.

I looked at him confused, and then shot the same expression to Esme.

"Just open it," she encouraged.

I opened the envelope, and was flabbergasted by what was inside. "Uh… why are you giving me the deed to your house?" I asked slowly.

"Not just the house, but the entire property, and the pink slip to the new work truck and horse trailer we bought you, which is right over there."

My mouth literally fell open from shock. "I don't understand," I said after a minute.

"Oh, this place has always been too much for us to handle, so it's time for us to finally move on, and who better to take care of it all than you," Esme explained.

"Now you can actually turn this place into that therapy ranch you always wanted," Carlisle added. "And look, you already have customers," he said while gesturing out to all my patients there.

Everyone started clapping again, and then I finally understood. They were all actually there to support my dream and make it into a reality. It was absolutely incredible.

"But… you're moving?" I asked them, unsure if I was understanding everything.

"We found a beautiful old Victorian that we just fell in love with on the other side of town," Esme told me. "We're already moved in. We just have a couple things left here."

"But this is your home," I argued.

"There's too much land here. We know you will put it to some good use," Carlisle said with a warm smile.

I looked to Edward, and he was smiling at me, but not at all surprised.

"How long have you known about this?" I asked him.

"Since they bought the other house," he admitted.

"How could you keep this a secret? You're horrible at keeping secrets from me."

"I know. It was really hard… but the look on your face right now made it all worth it."

People started approaching me to congratulate the start of my new career, and every one of my patients there said how excited they were to soon have access to a real therapy ranch. I realized then that my dream was actually becoming a reality, and judging off of everyone's excitement, it was a service that was greatly needed, so I couldn't have been more eager to get it started.

After all our guests went home for the evening, I was surprised yet again when Carlisle and Esme were also heading out.

"Where are you two going?" I asked as they came to hug us goodbye.

"Home. We don't live here anymore," Esme told me with a smile and a kiss to my cheek.

"You're moving out tonight?" I asked confused. I thought we'd be spending a few more days with them at least.

"Everything is ready for us there, and everything is ready for you guys in here," she said while gesturing to the main house behind her.

"It is? How?" I asked surprised.

"We've been moving stuff little by little without you knowing for a week now, and we hired some people to finish it tonight during the party," Carlisle explained as he came out of the house carrying one last box.

I honestly didn't know how to feel about all of it. It was incredible and a dream come true, but I couldn't help feeling guilty, as if I was kicking them out of their home. Of course they sensed my ambivalence, so they hugged me again and reassured me how happy they were to move into their "dream home".

"Let them go," Edward said as he came up behind me, and rubbed my arms tenderly. "Its about time we get some space from them," he added in a joking but encouraging manner.

"And it's time for us old folk to have a little peace and quiet," Carlisle said in the same light hearted tone Edward was using.

Tears started flowing down my cheeks, which only made Edward playfully annoyed. "They're only moving across town. They'll be here annoying us all the time, trust me."

"All the time," Esme echoed with a giggle.

"Thank you," I told them again, before they gave us one last hug, and got into their car to leave.

"Don't worry, Bella, you'll always have me here with you," Alice said casually from where she was sitting on the porch swing.

I turned and smiled at her. "I wouldn't want it any other way," I said sincerely as I skipped over to where she was, so I could hug her tightly.

"She's moving into the apartment," Edward clarified.

Alice smiled mischievously, and then leaned in to tell me a secret. "What he doesn't know, is that Jasper is moving into the apartment with me."

"Oh," I said with a laugh.

"What is she mumbling about?" Edward asked curiously.

"Nothing," I said with a wink.

"You know, it's super annoying when you two put your heads together and start whispering crap," Edward said, humorously frustrated.

Alice and I just giggled at him, so he huffed. "Whatever. I suppose that's one battle I'll never win."

"You won't, so stop trying," I told him.

"Alright, alright. Come on, let's go inside. I want to show you something," he said with his most adorable crooked smile.

"Hey bro, we're heading out," Emmett said as we walked into the living room.

"Kids are both snuggled up tight in their new beds, waiting for you two to go up and say goodnight," Rose informed us.

"Their new beds?" I asked in shock. "They already picked out their bedrooms?"

Edward shrugged. "They wanted to share for now, but I'm sure they'll want their own rooms eventually, and they actually can do that in this house. Right now they're in my old room, and they're actually super excited about it."

"Super excited," Rose agreed.

"Thanks for everything," I said while hugging my favorite sister in law.

"It's our pleasure, really," she said sincerely.

"Yeah, we love putting the kids to bed, even though Charlie is a little hellion," Emmett said, brutally honest. He refused to sugarcoat anything, but I honestly loved that about him.

"Oh, they've been perfectly fine," Rose argued.

"Perfectly fine?" Em scoffed. "Teddy was good like always, but I actually thought Charlie was possessed by some demon with the way he was running around and screaming."

"Terrible twos," Edward said with a shrug. Little Charlie was definitely a handful, even if Rose didn't want to admit it.

"Yes, but we love every minute of spending time with them both," Rose finally admitted reluctantly.

"That is true. I do love that little hellion," Em conceded. "Even if he's even worse than his dad was," he said while playfully smacking Edward's chest.

"Um… I beg to differ," Edward disagreed with his statement. "I was an angel, just like Teddy is now. That's why he was named after me."

Alice laughed. "No way. Little Charlie is tame compared to how you were."

"I was locked in a tiny basement at his age," Edward argued defensively. "I'm sure even the most mild mannered child would go crazy without room to run and blow off steam."

"That's true. Caged animals are always worse," Alice agreed casually.

Edward smirked at her, and then just shook his head.

"Come on, we have an early day tomorrow," Rose told Emmett, and then the two of them took off for the night.

"Tomorrow we are moving all my bedroom stuff to the apartment, right?" Alice asked Edward.

"Yes. The sooner we get you out of here, the better," he teased her.

She just smiled at him. "Good. I'll text Jasper that you will be at his place after that to move his stuff too."

"Okay… Wait, what?" Edward asked perplexed.

Alice just giggled, and then skipped up the stairs to her room.

"What was that about Jasper?" Edward asked me.

I shrugged. "They've been together long enough," I said dismissively.

"Yeah, but…"

"Just show me whatever it is you wanted to show me," I said quickly, trying to change the subject.

"Alright. Up to the boy's room."

I followed Edward up to his old room, and I nearly cried after seeing the way it had changed from the last time I was in there.

We had bought a new bed when we moved into the apartment all those years ago, so his old bed had been in there all that time, and it had been used as a guest room, but that was all gone now. Two twin beds were in it's place, and everything was decorated with airplanes and trains. There was even a big blue sky painted on the ceiling.

"See, momma?" Charlie asked excitedly as I was looking around. "Planes!"

"I see, baby," I assured him.

"When did they do all of this?" I asked Edward emotionally.

"When was the last time you've even been up here?" he asked with a laugh.

"Uh… it's been awhile," I realized.

"They started painting it a couple weeks ago," he explained.

"Is the bathroom still purple?" I asked with a giggle.

"Not anymore. Thank god."

"Mommy, do you like our new house?" Teddy asked from where he was lying in his new bed. "Grandma and grandpa said it's ours now."

"I think it's wonderful. Do you like it?" I asked him. "This is a much bigger room than what you guys had in the apartment."

"This is daddy's room!" Charlie said excitedly.

"I tried explaining to him that this used to be my room, but he doesn't really get it," Edward said with a quick chuckle.

"Its our room, now," Teddy tried clarifying.

"And daddy's!" Charlie insisted.

"Daddy is sleeping down the hall," Edward told him with a kiss on his forehead. "Goodnight, buddy."

"Nigh-nigh, daddy," Charlie said happily.

I kissed him as well, and we both took turns kissing Teddy, and then we turned off the light, and left them in the room to sleep.

"Are we really sleeping in your parent's room?" I asked Edward as we headed down the hall.

He froze mid step. "I didn't think about that. Ugh! I don't want to sleep in the same room my parents have been screwing in for the past two decades."

I laughed at him. "Well, I'm assuming they took their bed with them to their new house, so it's not so bad."

"Yeah, but still…" he shuddered.

"Come on," I told him. I opened the door to the master bedroom, and was pleasantly surprised to see that all our clothes and my mom's rocking chair had already found places in the room, but everything else looked brand new. "Wow," I said in awe.

"Nice stuff, huh?" he said with a nod while patting the new king sized bedframe. "Rose did a good job picking it all out. You should have seen the gaudy crap Alice suggested for this room. You would have hated it."

"But what about all the furniture downstairs?" I asked, just realizing the living room and kitchen were never changed. "What are your parents using in their new place."

"They bought all new stuff….Just like we will here. I wanted you to be able to pick out what you wanted down there, and it would have been too hard to surprise you if it was all changed ahead of the time anyway," he explained.

"This is all…"

"Pretty awesome, right?" he said with his big grin.

"But…" I sighed.

"What?" he pressed, realizing I probably wasn't as happy as I should have been.

"I just… this is all incredible, but I hate that we didn't do anything for it. I'm so excited to start the therapy ranch, but I don't feel like I earned it since this was all just given to us."

He shook his head in disagreement. "You have been working hard for the past several years. We both have. We could have moved a while ago, but we stayed here and sacrificed the space we needed, and a little of our sanity, to stay close to Alice. My parents didn't just give us this place anyway, we're buying it from them."

"We are?"

"Yeah. They bought you that new truck and horse trailer as a gift, and they wanted to just give us this place too, but I insisted we pay them for some of it. It's not market value, but…" he shrugged. "And we still have to buy the horses ourselves too."

I nodded. "So… it's like we really just bought our first house?"

"Its not 'like' we did, we did. We are buying this place. Not any different than anyone buying a house with a loan. We're just paying my parents instead of a bank. But listen, if this isn't what you want, or if you'd rather we buy something else, we totally can. My parents will just put this place on the market, and we can buy whatever we want ourselves. I just thought with this land here…"

"Its perfect!" I said wholeheartedly. "I don't want to move anywhere else."

"So… we're home for good then?" he asked with his crooked smile.

"Home for good," I agreed. "And, it's a good thing we finally have some more space."

"I know. The boys were so cramped in that little apartment. I'm actually surprised they still want to share a room. One of them can have Alice's room when she moves into the apartment."

"Or we can make it the baby's room," I told him casually.

He nodded, and then looked at me questionably.

"I've been a little worried about where we were going to put the baby in that cramped apartment since I found out yesterday. Now that problem is solved," I added.

"We're having another baby?" Edward asked with hesitant excitement.

I smiled and nodded at him. "And I really hope this one is a girl."

His smile spread across his entire face. "We're going to have a baby!" he cheered, while wrapping me in his arms and hugging me tightly. "Who else knows?"

"No one. You really think I'd tell anyone before you? I would have told you as soon as I took the test yesterday, but you've been so busy getting this party together. Gosh, I cant tell you how stressed I've been since then, thinking about how we were going to fit three kids in that apartment. I was awake all night last night thinking about it."

"Three kids - going on five!" he said eagerly. "I can't believe you're actually going to let me have ten kids. And here I thought you were planning to stop us at two."

"Still not having ten kids," I told him evenly, as he continued to jump around the room celebrating.

"But we're getting closer," he replied unconcerned.

"I think three is good. It's just about time to make you an appointment to get snipped."

"No way! We have seven more kids to go," he maintained.

I just smiled and shook my head at him.

…

Life on the ranch moved even quicker than I ever thought possible. The horse therapy was a hit, and I immediately started gaining clients and patients the moment we brought the horses home. Everyday was so full of wonder and excitement, that time just flew by, and before I knew it, I was back in the hospital welcoming our third baby into the world.

Elizabeth Renee Cullen, named after Alice's middle name, and my mom's first name, was born happy and healthy. She was everything I could ever hope for in a daughter, and I truly felt our little family was complete – convincing Edward that we were done having kids, however, would take more time.

If someone would have told me ten years prior that one day I'd be married to Edward, and we'd have an amazing life with three beautiful kids, I probably would have laughed and called them crazy. We had started out as closer than best friends, but it took a long and bumpy road to get us back to a place where we could actual admit the love that we always had for each other.

It had been a journey of stress and devastating heartache, but we faced our demons, and we were truly stronger for it. Edward had found his way back to Alice, and we found our way back to each other, and I knew, without a doubt, we would never take a moment of our happiness for granted.

…

 *****A/N: Yes, tis be the end. Lol.**

 **Like with most of my stories, I'm never quite sure when they will end since they tend to write themselves, so I apologize if you weren't quite prepared for this ending just yet (I was a little surprised myself). Hopefully I wrapped everything up well enough for this alternate version. It ended up being so much longer than the original, and I enjoyed letting it all play out, but I do have to say, I still liked the other version better ;-)**

 **Thanks for taking this ride with me. I really do appreciate everyone supporting my crazy insane stories. XOXOX**


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